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“Dude, what are you doing? You’re going the wrong way!”
“Get your head in the game!”
I groaned. I’d heard that several times already today, and we were barely half an hour into practice. I was laying under a pile of heavy football players, and the weight on my chest was making it a little hard to breath. I was grateful when they pulled away quickly, and someone, Ted, held a hand to me to help me up.
“Thanks,” I said, taking his offered hand.
I winced when I stood up, and it got me a pat on the back.
“Are you okay? That looked a bit rough, but I think you might have tripped before anyone even landed on you.”
“I’m fine.” I stretched the muscles in my body, and there didn’t seem to be anything wrong, just a bit of ache in my back from the fall. “I’m good, the guys were just heavy.”
“If you say so. Try to keep focused, though, okay? No one wants you to get injured in the middle of practice before we even get to our first game.”
I huffed out a humorless laugh. “Believe me, it’s the last thing I want, too.”
Ted ran off to retake his position in the field, and I got into position, too. I heard Calvin’s voice as he started the set, and I waited to receive the ball. My job was pretty simple. I just had to run as long as I had the ball in my hands, and I had to know who to pass it to. There was more to it than that, of course, but this much I could do subconsciously, since I’d been doing it for years.
The trouble was that when I had the ball, my concentration went, and I did something stupid, just like now. Instead of cutting left and passing the ball, I ran forward with it in my hands. By the time I got the shout of warning, it was already too late to avoid it. Ted was right, though, I’d tried to make the run anyway and tripped on my feet.
Damn.
I was really off my game today, but this much was just ridiculous. I’d never been clumsy in my life, but suddenly I was tripping over my feet in the field. I was lucky I didn’t accidentally twist my ankle when I went down.
“Hey,” the guy beside me asked. “Are you sure you’re okay? That was quite a fall you took.”
I winced and tersely muttered, “I’m fine.”
Then the ball went flying, and everyone burst into motion.
When I made the first mistake, there were looks of concern. Not over the mistake, instead focusing on whether I was okay or not. My clothes had grass and mud stains from the many times I’d taken a dive to the ground. I hadn’t broken anything major yet, but if I continued being careless, then it wasn’t completely impossible.
The concern started flowing easier the more mistakes I made, but then there were some guys getting annoyed. When I made mistakes, I was ruining practice for everyone else. They needed to focus, but they couldn’t, and if I kept ruining it every time, they’d just lose the motivation to continue.
It wasn’t that I’d even made that many mistakes. I could count them all on one hand, but they were big mistakes that no one could ignore, and a couple times there I could have gotten myself injured because I was absent minded.
The others were wondering what had me so out of it that I wasn’t playing well anymore. No one had asked me directly, and I wondered if anyone had figured it out. It wouldn’t be that hard.
Where was Zoe?
I knew I wasn’t the only one thinking it. For the last few days, she hadn’t been anywhere in sight. Even when we didn’t get to talk, I always saw her around on the days we had practice. It wasn’t enough for me, not by a long shot, but at least I could see her.
Then, for some reason, about six days ago, we had practice but Zoe didn’t show up once. I actually didn’t notice until our morning practice for the day was out of the way. Since she was always there, I figured she had to be somewhere even if I didn’t see her, but up until the afternoon practice, Zoe didn’t show.
What was going on? Why hadn’t she been around? I hadn’t asked, but some of the other guys had, and no one seemed to know, not even her dad. These questions were the reason why it was so hard for me to concentrate.
I didn’t think anything had happened to her. We would definitely have known after six days, right? That was nearly a whole week. But I’d tried texting and calling and gotten no response from her, so getting worried was normal, wasn’t it?
Because I was so busy worrying about her, I couldn’t get myself to focus on the game.
“Howard!”
The shout of my name was my only warning. There were guys behind me, and I hadn’t even noticed how close they’d gotten. I held the ball in my arms, but there was a guy across the field, waving his arms and waiting for me to throw the ball at him.
Dammit!
The problem was that it happened unconsciously. I definitely wasn’t doing it on purpose, I just found my mind wandering on its own, and while I could do certain actions without thinking about it, I couldn’t play a perfect game without concentrating. I tried to make the pass. I didn’t trip this time, at least, but I’d panicked and the ball didn’t go the right direction. The other guy had to run to catch up with the ball, and I still got a bunch of guys throwing me to the ground and piling up on top of me. Probably because they were so close and they couldn’t stop in time to follow the ball.
“Ugh.”
When everyone pulled away, I remained on the ground for a few seconds before slowly sitting up. Even though I’d messed it up still, at least this time my team technically won the game. Some of the heat coming my way went down a bit because of that, but I knew I’d be walking on thin ice if I kept doing this.
“Howard!”
I was just about to run off the field to get some water. Sweat slicked my forehead, ran down my temples, and I wondered just what I’d done to feel this exhausted when we weren’t even done with the first hour yet.
The person calling my name was Grady, and he ran up to me from the other side of the field.
“Hey, there,” he said, falling into step beside me as we both headed to the refreshment table. “Are you doing okay? You took a couple bad falls there, don’t want to break anything.”
I flexed my shoulder, the only part of me aching bad enough for it to be uncomfortable. I’d fallen against my shoulder in that last tackle, but I’d managed to twist at the last minute, so I didn’t fall right on it. Nothing was broken, after some relaxing and stretching, it would feel fine.
“I’m okay enough to keep playing.”
I managed to get some water, while Grady got himself an energy drink. We spent some blessed seconds in silence as I quenched my thirst. I felt like dropping down to sit for a bit, but in the end decided against it. I was afraid that if I sat down, I wouldn’t be able to force myself to get up later.
“Seriously, is there something up with you?” Grady said in concern. “You didn’t have something for lunch that didn’t agree with you or anything, did you? We’ve been practicing together for some weeks now and I’ve never seen you as bad as today.”
“No, my stomach isn’t the problem.” I barely ate at lunch, I just didn’t have the appetite. The little I did eat, I forced down myself, because I knew I couldn’t play on an empty stomach, my body would just run out of energy quicker. “Sorry, captain. I’m just having a bit of an off day, I didn’t mean to negatively affect the team.”
“I know you didn’t, that doesn’t matter. We still have plenty of time to practice, but are you okay? Is there anything that’s bothering you? I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but if you don’t mind someone to talk to, I’m willing to listen.”
I chuckled. “Is that one of your jobs as captain, to take care of the other guys on the team? That has to be exhausting.”
He grinned. “It’s not in the job description, but I’m the oldest on the team, in terms of how long I’ve been in it and in age, so I act like everyone’s big brother when there’s trouble going on. Having one of the players would be bad for the team, but losing a few games wouldn’t kill anyone as long as they can pick up and try again next time. This isn’t something that’s going to make you give up, is it?”
I almost smiled. Whether he knew it or not, he was giving me ideas not just about football, but my relationship with Zoe as well.
“Of course, I’m not going to give up, captain,” I said, meaning it in every possible way.
“Good,” he said. “Are you sure you’re okay, though? You weren’t like this in the morning, and we really need you pulling your best in this. Even if not today, you need to sort yourself out for the next practice, okay?”
Grady was a great team captain. I even understood why he was considered the team’s big brother, he was good at acting the part. He didn’t try to be condescending or to pry into my business, even though as team captain, he deserved some answers if I was going to make things hard for everyone else. Already, I felt a little better.
“Thanks, Grady,” I said quietly. “I’ll give it my best shot, promise.”
“If you’re as good as you were for morning practice that would be fine.”
“Sure. Let’s head back in.”
I wasn’t exactly fine in morning practice, though. Grady and the rest of them probably just thought that way because I hadn’t made nearly as much mistakes, and when I did, it wasn’t anything that obvious unless someone was paying close attention. Thankfully, we didn’t have anyone looking in on practice today. We’d done this several enough times that Grady as the team captain was left to handle us. Not until the last weeks to the first games before they’d go back to monitoring us as tightly.
It made Zoe’s absence that much more apparent, though. She’d have been there no matter what, she wasn’t analyzing and assessing the team’s capabilities, or not just that. She genuinely enjoyed watching the team play. This morning, I’d come in with hope that Zoe might come in today, only I waited until lunch, and still she didn’t come. It was when I realized she’d missed another day that got me distracted.
Something is wrong.
There had to be something wrong. In the short weeks since I’d started practicing with the team, this was the first time when she didn’t show up at all when she usually appeared for every single practice, even if all she got to do was cheer everyone on in the sidelines. One day was nothing, a couple days was curious, but this many days in a row with no word? Something was definitely up, but if she didn’t say anything, there was no way I would know. I didn’t know where I could find her to talk, either.
We played for another hour or so, and I was a bit better for the second half of practice. It wasn’t my best, but it was good enough. I got a grin from Grady for mostly pulling myself together, and most of the other guys seemed like they’d already forgotten it.
Not everyone, though.
“Dude, what the hell is going on? You were a mess out there.”
I winced. We were in the locker rooms, and I’d already showered and was getting changed. I supposed it was too much to ask to be able to get away without someone asking questions. They had every right to ask, too, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone about this.
“I know, okay? I’m sorry, I’m just a little out of it. I’ll try to be better tomorrow.”
Somehow, I’d have to keep my baggage at home when I came in to practice. I planned to try. The guy didn’t seem like he’d be appeased with just that, though.
“It’s only your fourth week practicing with us, and the week has only just started. If you’re like this now, how are you going to be when we do a practice game?”
I scowled at his persistence. Someone spoke up for me before I could say anything, which improved my mood a little bit. At least some of the guys still trusted me.
“Hey, let it go already. I’m sure he’ll be back to himself later.”
“There’s no way I can’t say anything! We’ve been waiting for a good running back, but if he’s just going to hold the team back, then wouldn’t we be better without him? Howard, stop acting like a lovesick teenager already, all right?”
I froze, then looked up with a frown. “Excuse me? What did you just say?”
“I said, stop acting like a lovesick teenager. I swear, this whole thing reminds me of high school, only without the cheerleaders...”
“What the fuck do you think you know about me that gives you the right to say that?”
He looked taken aback, and I didn’t really blame him. I had a bit of a temper, I just wasn’t so easily triggered, but how could I not get angry because of those words? My feelings for Zoe weren’t something so trivial. I did get what he meant, but I’d been fooling around even in high school.
This was something entirely serious, enough that it affected my playing when I’d managed to keep up before with my overindulgent habits, so I couldn’t stand someone making it sound so trivial.
“Whoa, man. Calm down, I was just–”
I cut him off. “You were just running your mouth about shit you know nothing about. We might be a team now, but that doesn’t give you the right to butt into my personal life.”
“I do if you’re going to be messing up practice for the rest of us!”
I could only grit my teeth, because I knew that was true. I didn’t mean to be so distracted, I’d just been worried after the last time Zoe spent the night in my place. It didn’t help that I hadn’t seen her much since, and she seemed to have disappeared recently.
In the end, I decided starting a fight would be a quick way to get myself kicked off of my team. I didn’t want to be out, not yet, at least. I finished getting dressed and left quickly, not pulling away when my shoulder knocked into the other guy’s. There were some grumbles behind me, but I completely ignored them.