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Somewhere in the back of my mind, I could tell I was dreaming. Something about the blurry edges of the scenery just didn’t seem real, I was probably close to waking, too, since I could tell I was dreaming.
In this dream, I found myself in the middle of a party. This wasn’t anything strange, because I’d been to lots of parties. It was someone’s house, though I had no idea who. The lighting was dim, but someone had set out some strobe lights. There were a lot of people around. I didn’t recognize any of them, though more importantly, I couldn’t even see their faces. Everything was blurry, but I could smell alcohol and sweat in the air, the sensory memory feeling so real.
This was pretty much what my life used to be, before. Before I fell from grace and decided on changing myself. I would never go back to that. There were women everywhere, surrounding me, grabbing into me, too many. Back then, it was a situation I would have liked, but it could have been a nightmare right then.
The hands on me felt uncomfortable, and I tried to get away from them, but it felt like trying to get away was just bringing more attention to me, because even more women showed up, trying to grab me. I was looking at each of the faces, and I didn’t recognize them.
Zoe. She was the person I wanted to see the most, but she was nowhere to be seen.
Hands, small and soft, caught my face. A woman was in front of me, enough to distract me from the others who still pushed up against me. I even felt the tough of hands sneaking into my clothes. The woman was leaning in, tugging me slightly down with her fingers on my cheeks. I was close to kissing her, but then I realized she wasn’t Zoe, either.
My eyes slid open as the edges of the dream blurred even more, squinting in the morning light.
Why would I have a dream like that? I’d left that life behind already, and I had no intention of picking it up again. What I hoped for now was a future with Zoe. I hadn’t heard word from her yet, but I wasn’t impatient anymore. Now that I knew what was troubling her so much that she had to run away, I just had to wait for her to show up.
My decision had already been made a long time ago, it wasn’t even something I had to think about. Zoe wanted that GM job, and I wasn’t going to let her lose it because of me. Neither was I going to let her go. The hiding, I got tired of that a long time ago, too. I didn’t plan to keep hiding our relationship like it was some illicit affair.
Even if it meant giving up my position on the team, I wanted Zoe, and I wanted her to be happy with me.
Rolling off my bed, I checked my phone. No new message, text, notification, anything. Even though I’d resigned myself to wait, I was still disappointed. I dragged my body to the bathroom and got under the shower. I jumped as the cold water poured on me, though it slowly warmed up to a bearable temperature.
After I was showered, I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around my hips, another drying out my hair. I chose comfortable sweats and a t-shirt, pulling them on after I dried up. Then, I went to the living room, dropped into the couch, and grabbed the remote to turn the TV on. I flipped uninterestedly through the channels, looking for something to distract myself with, even if only for a moment.
There was a knock on my door that made me look up. Hope threatened to rise, but I stomped it down. Still, I practically jumped from the couch and flew to the door, pulling it open without checking to see who it was. Of course, it wasn’t Zoe there.
It was Jackson, my agent.
Sighing, I slumped against the doorjamb. “What do you want?”
“Um, there was an important matter I wanted to speak to you about,” he said slowly.
I sighed and walked back inside, leaving the door so he could come in. I was disappointed, but I should have known Zoe wouldn’t make things easy for me. I sat back down on the couch, and Jackson came and took the other seat. He had his usual briefcase with him. He glanced around the room, then turned to me.
“What, this is the first time I’m in your apartment, and you won’t even offer me anything?”
“If you want me to play good host, you’re out of luck. If you’d like water or something, the kitchen is that way. Go get it yourself.”
He sighed, shaking his head sadly. “Even though I know you’re like this, somehow I still work for you.”
“What the hell are you even doing here, Jackson? You’ve never come to my house before.”
“Well, it is something important, and I didn’t see the point in pulling you from your home just for that. Anyway, there’s something you seem to have forgotten, so I came to remind you.”
“What? Something I’ve forgotten?”
“Yes. The contract, remember? You didn’t sign it before, and until you do, you’re not officially part of the Southern Eagles. You can practice with them right now, but when the season starts, you won’t be able to play in any official games if this isn’t taken care of. So, I brought the contract with me.”
He settled his briefcase on his lap and pulled out some documents, then set them on the table and returned his briefcase to the floor. From the inside of his coat pocket, he pulled out a pen, laid it on top of the documents, and pushed them towards me. I could only stare at them as if they’d jump at me and try to bite me.
“The contract?” I muttered.
“Yeah,” Jackson said, sarcastic. “You know, that official paper I told you a while ago that you needed to sign, and you said to wait a bit and see? Well? I heard practice has been going well with the team, so it should be fine now, right? Just sign it so I can take it to the team owner. We need a few signatures from their side as well, and then...”
I’d stopped listening to what he was saying. For now, this wasn’t important. I needed to talk to Zoe before I made any kind of decision. Well, I had some time, still, so Jackson just had the worst timing.
“You can go ahead and take this back with you for now,” I said, cutting him off. “I’ll look at them some other day.”
He blinked at me in surprise, then frowned. “Howard, these are papers you need to sign. You’ve put it off long enough, already. Just sign them so I can go.”
I lay back on my couch and stared at the TV, a clear dismissal.
“You and those papers can just fuck off for now, Jackson. I won’t be signing anything just yet, and I want to be left alone, please.”
He couldn’t argue with me. He worked for me, and he also knew me. When I decided on something, it wasn’t easy for me to change my mind, and since I didn’t say I wouldn’t sign at all, he would be appeased for a while.
I’d completely forgotten about the contract, actually.
It was kind of funny, because I’d chosen that contract in exchange for keeping Ben’s condition to stay away from Zoe, and now that she was the one completely avoiding me, I regretted it. Would things have been better if I wasn’t offered the contract?
Zoe, I swear it doesn’t matter to me. Not nearly as much as you do.
If only there was a way for me to convey those words to her. I could only hope that Kayla had managed to give her my message, anyway, but I wanted to tell it to her face. That I would give up anything even my position in the Southern Eagles if it meant she would be happy, and she would be with me.
Jackson sighed, but went to put the documents away. “Since that’s your decision for now, I guess I can give you a few more days–”
“Actually, can you give me a week?”
I didn’t know how long it would take for Zoe to come back, but a week was a good estimate. If Kayla did manage to send her my message, she would hopefully be back soon.
“Howard, it’s already been weeks–”
“Then I need one more,” I cut in. “Has anyone come asking for the contract? Not yet, right? Then you can keep a hold of it for a while longer, can’t you? That’s the one thing you can do for me right now.”
Jackson rubbed his creased forehead, looking frustrated. I wouldn’t quite say he and I were close. I could call him a friend, but I’d never actually hung out with him when he wasn’t giving me talk about work. I did feel sorry for giving him so much trouble.
“Howard, I really don’t understand you,” he said. “This is something you wanted, right? You badgered me over it for days until I finally agreed! And now, when you finally get what you want, you don’t want it anymore? I’ve already told you, at your age it’ll be hard getting another good team. Even I was skeptical of these guys, but I think it’s a great opportunity. Give it a serious thought, Howard.”
I had given it serious thought. Ever since I left Kayla’s apartment, I’d thought a lot, and I didn’t think Jackson was going to be impressed with what I’d come up with, but it was my decision.
“It’s still important to me, but things have changed,” I said after a while. “I promise I’ll let you know what I plan later, just let me think things through. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone.”