Celebrity

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties they think it is their fault.
Henry Kissinger

Being famous is like having dementia. Everyone knows who you are, but you don’t know who they are.
Michael Douglas

Anyone enquiring: ‘Do you know who I am?’ is effectively asking: ‘Do you know who I was?’
Marina Hyde

Celebrity is just obscurity biding its time.
Carrie Fisher

Beware the celebrity who refers to himself in the third person.
Jemima Khan on Julian Assange

When I read the lives of celebrities in our newspapers I sometimes wish we had a Freedom From Information Act.
Theodore Dalrymple

I’d rather have a rectal examination on live TV by a fellow with cold hands than have a Facebook page.
George Clooney

Malibu is the only place in the world where you can lie on the sand and look at the stars – or vice versa.
Joan Rivers

To people making mean comments about my G[olden] G[lobe] pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night. #JK
Gabourey Sidibe, actress, on Twitter

I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.
Coco Chanel

A whole family of women who take the faces they were born with as a light suggestion.
Amy Schumer on the Kardashians

When someone asks me, ‘What do you do?’ under my breath I want to say, ‘Ask my fucking bank account what I do.’
Kim Kardashian

You know why she’s the most Googled person? Because she was Googling herself.
Khloe Kardashian on her sister Kim

If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.
Bette Midler on Kim Kardashian, after the latter had tweeted a nude selfie

A walking X-ray.
Oscar Levant on Audrey Hepburn

A vacuum with nipples.
Otto Preminger on Marilyn Monroe

It’s like kissing Hitler.
Tony Curtis on kissing Marilyn Monroe

Her body has gone to her head.
Barbara Stanwyck on Marilyn Monroe

Like a condom full of walnuts.
Clive James on Arnold Schwarzenegger

He has turned alarmingly blond – he’s gone past platinum, he must be into plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth.
Pauline Kael on Robert Redford

His skin looks like a child’s sandpit after heavy rain.
Lynn Barber on Robert Redford

His ears make him look like a taxi-cab with both doors open.
Howard Hughes on Clark Gable

If you say ‘Hiya, Clark, how are you?’ he’s stuck for an answer.
Ava Gardner on Clark Gable

A face unclouded by thought.
Lillian Hellman on Norma Shearer

Jeremy Clarkson is like Marmite. Disgusting.
Peter Serafinowicz

What is she peddling, anyway? Sex repeal?
Mae West on Twiggy

She looks like she combs her hair with an egg-beater.
Louella Parsons on Joan Collins

In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.
Woody Allen on Diane Keaton

I’d rather have a cup of tea than go to bed with someone – any day.
Boy George

That big blob … too bad there’s not a closet big enough for him to hide in.
Rupert Everett on Boy George

Boy George is all England needs: another queen who can’t dress.
Joan Rivers

@PIERSMORGAN: I currently air in 200 countries/territories – how you getting on? #SmallPondMinnow
@GARYLINEKER: I think the 2 world cups I played in probably edged that
Exchange between Piers Morgan and Gary Lineker on Twitter

What a monumental twat this man is.
Jeremy Clarkson on Piers Morgan

Being called a ‘monumental twat’ by a pot-bellied pig @ JeremyClarkson who wants nurses executed is the purest definition of irony.
Piers Morgan responding to Jeremy Clarkson

Ghastly simpering thespian toad.
Piers Morgan on Rupert Everett

The definition of countryside is the murder of Piers Morgan.
Stephen Fry

Basically a slug.
Tony Blair on Piers Morgan

If name-dropping were an Olympic sport, Yentob would be suspected of doping.
Henry Mance on Alan Yentob

The shit hits the fan.
Headline suggested by Kenneth Tynan after Rex Harrison punched an autograph hunter