So You Got Knocked Up?

(Getting Pregnant)

Though as a warning we were always told that getting pregnant was an easy thing to do, most of you know that trying to get pregnant can be a grind—not always nearly as easy as they told you back in sex ed. Still, you did the nasty and got the job done. Congratulations and welcome to the club! You’re finally going to get the opportunity to fully utilize your uterus and get to know your vagina in ways that you’ve never imagined.

As most mothers will tell you, pregnancy is a roller-coaster ride full of laughs, cries, aches, pains, and love the likes of which you’ve never experienced before. But because they’ve either conveniently forgotten with time or they’re trying to be supportive, most mothers won’t tell you how hard pregnancy (and then childbirth) can be. Let me tell you, it is. It’s brutal sometimes! But, if I did it, ANYONE can do it. I mean, I always knew I was meant to do something really BIG in life, and now I know that this was it. Screw winning an Academy Award someday . . . I GAVE BIRTH! In my eyes, women should be adored and thanked on a daily basis for their strength, endurance, and willingness to give birth. If it were up to men to do so, Adam and Eve would have been the only humans to ever walk the face of the earth.

If you bought this book, you are already aware of my frankness when it comes to certain things—anatomy and bodily functions among them. If someone gave this book to you as a gift and you’ve never heard of me, apologies to you! Because pregnancy took my frankness to a whole new level. I found myself revealing things about what was happening to me that most women are way too embarrassed to talk about. But what I found is what I hope you’ll discover, too: It’s a huge relief to know that other women are going through similar gross and smelly things. And girl, are they ever. No pregnant woman has entirely escaped the rough waters that lie ahead of you. Some got off easier than others, of course, but in one way or another, we’ve all been there. And having been there grants all of us membership in our own massive club. (Though he may be supportive and understanding, not even your male gyno can get access to our club. I mean, he’s seen the process up close and really personal, but has he squeezed a watermelon through the hole in his penis to approximate the pain his patients feel? I don’t think so.)

Bottom line: Brace yourself. The only silver lining to the horrific things I went through is that I can relay them here for your reading pleasure. You are going to hear me tell it like it is. Sometimes I’ll make you laugh and sometimes I’ll scare the shit out of you, but know this . . . I think it’s in your best interest to know the full range of strange things that might happen to you. And what’s more, I would do it all over again in a second, and when all’s said and done, I’ll bet you’ll want to, too.