Did a Sewer Tank Explode, or Did You Just Fart?

(Gas)

My poor poor husband. He has always enjoyed the real side of Jenny—after all, he knew something about me before we got together—but I don’t think he ever expected this.

Now, we’ve all eaten something bad and suffered the consequences, especially while driving in a car with the windows rolled up, but a pregnant woman’s farts can truly bring a man to his knees. Things start getting bad in the first trimester. Unfortunately, when you don’t look pregnant (only fat) you don’t get too much sympathy; no one cuts you much slack. But even if you don’t look like you have an excuse, you have no control either. You just kind of have to hope that a sweet little smile and an “oops” will get you off the hook.

The worst time for me and my gas was when we were out in public. I would feel the gas building up, and I’d run to an empty aisle in the store and pray no one decided to come along when I released my poison. Another effective but risky strategy is to do the ol’ walking while you’re farting routine hoping that the stench dissipates as you move. But come on, you know that there will never fail to be some poor bastard who will walk directly into your line of fire.

Obviously, the main reason behind the alluring odor of these precious bursts of air is constipation. If you try to stay away from gassy foods and/or simply not gorge yourself, you might have an easier time than I did. But either way, I highly suggest carrying a little air freshener spray in your purse. And for the home, invest in some scented candles. Your husband might think you’re trying to be romantic, so just go with it if you can stand it. Remember, he doesn’t need to know that you’re trying to cover the smell of death. And if anything escapes accidentally, at least you’re trying!