Hands Off, Dude!

(Strangers Touching Your Belly)

It would be great if we lived in a world where strangers weren’t so strange. In civilized society, people don’t just come up to you and touch your stomach. If they did, you might have them arrested! So why do people think it’s okay to come up to pregnant women and pet their bellies?

Now, I know most people mean well, but I would imagine that you’ll feel as protective of your belly as I did mine. And as a general rule, I think they should all ASK FIRST, don’t you agree? I remember a couple of times when I was wearing a tank top that showed a bit of my bare belly, and total strangers (once a completely greasy guy) would think that the exposed skin was okay to touch. No, off limits! Back off. The people who touched me are just lucky that I didn’t bite their hands off like a guard dog. Woof! Woof! Stay away.

One particular encounter with an old Jamaican lady gave me the willies on top of making me angry. I was walking down the street and she stopped me, placed her hand on my belly, and began chanting a voodoo-like prayer. I was in such shock that I couldn’t move. Maybe it was wandering mind syndrome (see page 95), but before I had time to kung-foo her, she was already gone. I was so freaked out afterward that I got my ass home and scrubbed my belly, saying my own Catholic prayer.

The one exception to my rule of ASK FIRST was when other pregnant women touched my belly. I think you’ll agree that there is an unspoken camaraderie between all pregnant women and you want to share the moment every time you see each other. There’s that knowing look and smile we give each other as we pass. So I say, if another preggie wants to touch the belly, she can go right ahead. But the door is only open to those of us in the knocked-up club.