I Can’t See! I’m Bleeding! I Can’t Stand It!

(Weird and Painful Bits and Pieces)

Obviously, this whole book is devoted to all the strange things that happen to you while pregnant. Let me take a minute to horrify you on some of the finer points in the “Did you know?” category.

Did you know that leg cramps can be really frequent, especially in the last trimester? Wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-in-a-cold-sweat leg cramps? Leg cramps feel just like growing pains if you can remember back that far, you old fart. For me, about the only thing that helped was to try to walk through them. As in get my fat ass off the couch and walk around a bit. But when they were really bad, I would beg my husband to rub them out when I could stand to have him touch them at all. Note: Have that massage oil standing by.

And are you expecting blurred vision? Brace yourself. Blurred vision does not happen to all pregnant women so don’t freak out. But for all of you who wake up and can’t see your hand in front of your face, I just want you to know that this IS a side effect of pregnancy. My doctor told me that some women need to get their eyeglass prescription changed during their pregnancy because their vision is radically different. For what it’s worth, mine went back to normal after delivery.

Remember what I told you about the snail trail discharge and the likelihood that your nose would play the same game? Yes, it’s true: Runny noses usually happen early in the pregnancy and could last the whole damn time. I had sneezing attacks that would go on for hours because of my softening nasal membranes. Wait, it gets better: Bloody noses are also big in pregnancy, so keep that Kleenex box next to your bed.

Speaking of blood, know this: Bleeding gums are not necessarily a sign of gingivitis. Pregnancy can make that toothbrush turn pink. Because nothing about my pregnancy was half-assed, I looked like a vampire that had been sucking someone’s neck all night long. Needless to say, I went through a few toothbrushes.

And speaking of veins, the dark line on your belly isn’t one. A vein, that is. It’s officially called the linea nigra and it’s just a line. That’s all. Doctors don’t seem to know why some women get it and others don’t. It doesn’t hurt, of course. But I don’t think it’s terribly attractive! As with all things in this department, there’s no way to get rid of the line, but it does go away after you give birth. Fair warning: If you’re brave enough to sport a bikini while pregnant, know that exposing your belly to the sun might make the linea nigra darker.

Believe it or not, the one and only symptom or side effect I did not have the pleasure of living through myself while pregnant was spider veins. I got everything else, so I have no idea why God stopped here. I did get one varicose vein that I thought was both nasty-looking and seriously uncomfortable, but after hearing my friends talk about their spider veins, I stopped complaining about my little varicose vein and shut my trap.

It turns out (I asked) that spider veins are caused by an increase in estrogen in your system. And I’ve also heard that people who stand a lot have a better chance of getting them. I asked my girlfriend about them, and she told me that hers started to spin their webs in the fourth month and got progressively worse from there. She said that her beautiful model legs (her description, not mine) started to look like the grandma who got run over by a reindeer. They were puffy, purpley, and squiggly, and she was mortified. She cried at her doctor’s office, and he told her she had actually been lucky because he had seen some women with spider veins that looked like grapes hanging off a vine—gnarled and crisscrossed and bulbous. I’m so sorry if you ever get them that bad, but rest assured that they almost always disappear after delivery. My friend’s did. She’s back to wearing short skirts and heels. See, you, too, will be back skanking it up in no time at all!