Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Prettiest Pregnant Lady of Them All? Clearly Not You, Lady!

(Face Acne and Rashes)

Even women blessed from birth with flawless skin can have a hell of a time with breakouts when they’re pregnant. My skin has always been a problem, so I knew I was in trouble. Add to my genetic predisposition the fact that I quit smoking the second I found out I was pregnant. The combination of lack of nicotine and hormonal surges made me look like someone in a bad teenage horror flick.

Not yet understandably afraid of specialists (see page 31 to refresh your memory), I went to the dermatologist desperate to get help. Even he jumped at the sight of me. Unaware of my delicate condition (pregnancy, that is), he offered me a barrage of cool-sounding drugs. But once I informed him of my condition, he laughed and said, “Suck it up, sister.” NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!

Let me break it down in a little more detail for you. My entire face was filled with little zitty bumps. There wasn’t one open space of good face. To top it all off, I had a red rash that circled each side of my nose down to the middle of each cheek. I was afraid that people who always saw me airbrushed for work would faint at the sight of me. Now, you might be thinking, “That’s so vain.” My answer to that is “Bite me.” I’m human, and no one likes to be pointed to and laughed at. Because people really were pointing and laughing!

You think that movie critics are harsh, but I find that the public is worse than critics. I’ve actually had people walk up to me on the street and say, “God you look SO much better on TV.” Even though that might be true, no one wants to hear this kind of thing! This just multiplied my fears.

The infamous “pregnancy mask” (called melasm . . . I know because I actually looked it up) is another thing to be feared among pregnant women, though I think stretch marks would win the vote for most feared skin problem (see page 77). The rash that I had was called rosacea. I’m sure you’ve seen the commercial about it. The medicine you take for it causes wet farts. Lovely.

Whether you get the mask or my particular rash, the key to hiding it is obvious: Wear a shitload of make-up or stop caring. Yeah, right. As if that’s easy to do. Still, and as always, there’s a bright side: These things definitely go away after your little chicken hatches. As a matter of fact, my skin totally rocks right now. If you see me on the street, you can make fun of my jiggly ass, but not my smooth skin.