The McRib Sandwich

(Back Pain)

You might be lucky enough to escape back pain. God, I hope you are. For me, back pain was more painful than delivery. And it certainly lasted longer!

My back pain really got out of hand in the sixth month. I woke up in the middle of the night with what felt like pulsing, piercing knots in the middle of my back. I kept slapping my husband to get up and rub my back, but at three o’clock in the morning he was as good as my dog. Sack of potatoes. No help at all. I know that most back pain in pregnancy is called sciatica and the pain runs down your leg (from your sciatic nerve . . . hey, I have the books too!). Mine was different but pain is pain, so hear my cry.

After a week of misery I decided that our soft-top, body-conforming mattress was the problem, and I figured that buying a new one would solve it. So off I went! I waddled into a mattress store with my credit card in one hand and a big ol’ “Won’t you help me, please?” smile. Of course, the combination of a ready credit card, a belly as big as a house, and an attempt to flirt basically tattoos “sucker” on your head. Live and learn. I rolled on and off a few mattresses and found one that seemed right-on. The problem was that I knew my husband, and I knew this mattress had divorce written all over it. If I got this one, he would either leave me or sleep on the couch indefinitely. But I bought it anyway. I was desperate.

When my husband came home, he saw the new mattress and decided to test it out. He took a running start and flew through the air toward it. I tried to warn him, but he was already airborne. Too late. Ka-klink! He looked like he had hit a solid piece of concrete. He reminded me of the Roadrunner cartoon where the coyote rams into a stone wall. He just lay there, completely still, and it looked like he was now in as much pain over the mattress as I had been when buying it. I couldn’t help but giggle. And of course, things only got worse before they got better.

Once again, at 3 a.m., I woke up in horrific pain. I was howling like a dog in heat. I was crying and shaking my husband; I could hardly breathe. Bless him, he helped me get through the night with heating pads and a shitload of love (not that kind, you pervert).

The next morning we went straight to the chiropractor. I know, I know. You’d think I would have learned my lesson with seeing specialists, but this guy turned out to be a savior. He determined that my pain was due to bad posture. Once he said it, I understood immediately. To hide my pregnancy for so long I had been hunching over to hide my growing belly. Posture I could fix.

The next diagnosis was a surprise. I had popped out two ribs. TWO RIBS! Popped out?! I knew that my hips had to widen to make room for the baby; I didn’t know my ribs did, too. But okay, so as my ribs were widening, some were popping out. And popping out is painful. This made sense. And ever the optimist, I kept telling myself that because I was suffering so much in my pregnancy, my delivery was going to be a cinch. (No such luck . . . read on.)

So the doc popped my ribs back in. Sounds painful but it wasn’t too terribly bad. And once the ribs were back in, the back felt better. Unfortunately I had to continue to see the chiropractor every day that month because those damn ribs kept popping back out. Once, I even had to go to his house at 2 a.m. for a fix.

Of course, my husband started seeing the chiropractor because of our new mattress. The poor guy would moan all night. In a selfish way I kind of liked it. Why should I be the only one in pain all the time? Maybe husbands should have to gain all that weight, too. You know, sympathy weight.

My advice for back pain would be to get help. And I don’t mean help from a mattress salesperson. Ask your doc; that’s what he or she is there for. Also, pregnant massages are not only a nice treat, but they really get some of the kinks out. So treat yourself. A massage is a lot cheaper than a new mattress!