Poopin’ on the Table

(The Dark Side of Delivery)

NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT THIS! Or should I say no one ever told me about this. I want to talk about it. I want you to know about it: You might just take a crap on the delivery room table. Yes, right there in front of the crowd of doctors and nurses who have gathered for the blessed event. The blessed crap. Clearly, there is no justice in this world.

I freaked out when my mother once said in passing, “I hope you don’t poopie on the table, dear.” I was astonished. I was like “What the hell are you talking about, Ma?” She went on to tell me that when you are pushing during delivery, you “bear down” just like you do when you’re going Number Two and that sometimes you push out a little poopie. I handled back pain and rib popping and nasty red face rashes and more, but this I couldn’t handle.

I proceeded to ask every woman who had ever given birth if she had pooped on the table, and I was horrified to learn that almost every woman I asked had actually had it happen. I was freaking out at the thought of this. My friends couldn’t believe how worried I was about this, considering that under different circumstances, poop is one of my favorite topics. Under different circumstances is the operative phrase there, folks!

I continued to bug my mother about this, and she kept assuring me that it’s no big deal because they whisk it away so quickly (now there’s a job for ya . . . Do the nurses know this will be one of their tasks when they sign on to work in labor and delivery?). And by that point in delivery, she said, you could really care less. She had given birth to four girls, she had pooped on the table almost every time . . . and she had never mentioned this. Ah, but now that she’d opened the floodgates, she shared another beautiful detail with me: Hers were like logs. I was like “MA, NO WAY! Stop scaring me.”

So, as with all my concerns, off I went to my gynecologist and shared my big fear with him. He kind of smiled and told me he could understand my worry. This told me that yes, indeed, it could happen. He’d seen it before. He suggested that if my water hadn’t broken by the time I was ready to go to the hospital, I could give myself an enema. He also told me that when women go into labor, the body anticipates the problem and sometimes cleans itself out naturally. You know, kind of like a self-cleaning oven (my comparison, not his). Indeed, he continued, it can be a warning that labor will start soon if your bowels become more active.

Well, I was hoping my bowels would be on full alert and very cooperative, but just in case, I had an enema under the sink ready to go. Keep reading to find out if I needed it or if I pooped on the table. Believe me, one way or another, there’s more shit to come.