Secret #5: Moms and Dads Are Equally Important When Raising a Baby
Child rearing is an immersion in caring for the needs of another, very helpless individual. It’s a time when men and women, by necessity, must dive into the task of caring for their new love. It’s a time for selfless giving, and both moms and dads have unique roles to play in this great adventure of the first year of life with baby.
Mommies
Let’s start with the mother. She has just gone through one of the most challenging and life-altering experiences that life delivers up. After a baby comes, a woman’s goals, focus, emotions—even her body—will be different.
The changes in a new mother start in her brain, which undergoes actual physical alteration during gestation. As writer Adrienne LaFrance put it, “Pregnancy tinkers with the very structure of [a mom’s] brain.” Reconfigurations occur in the prefrontal cortex, midbrain, and parietal lobes. These changes can be seen when functional MRI studies are done. We have already learned that feeling “maternal” isn’t an illusion. The emotional changes that a mother feels are a consequence of both hormonal and brain architectural alterations that take place during pregnancy.
The amygdala is a structure in the brain that processes memory and originates emotions like anxiety, aggression, and fear. After delivery, the amygdala grows and increases its number of binding sites for oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which surges during pregnancy. With this increase in size, the amygdala, under the influence of oxytocin, becomes the epicenter for maternal-infant bonding.
Writing about oxytocin, Erica Komisar, the author of the book Being There, calls oxytocin the “trust” and “bonding” hormone. “The more a mother engages with her baby, the more oxytocin she produces; the more oxytocin she produces, the more she bonds with her child; in other words, the more you love your baby, the more you can love your baby.”
The Changes in a Woman’s Body After Delivery
As well as the brain, physiological changes before and after childbirth affect virtually every organ of a woman’s body, from the heart to the kidneys to the skeletal system.
The first step toward postdelivery recovery is the uterus shrinking back to its pre-pregnancy size. As soon as the placenta is delivered during the “third stage” of labor, involution of the uterus begins. The postdelivery uterus is about the size of a softball and weighs two pounds. In a little over six weeks, it squeezes down to its pre-pregnancy weight of two to three ounces and tucks itself back into a woman’s pelvis below the pubic bone.
Many women experience pain in the postdelivery period, especially if an episiotomy (a surgical incision that more readily allows for the delivery of the baby’s head) was done or if there was perineal tearing. The greater the injury that occurred, the more bruising, swelling, and tenderness is present. Walking, sitting, urinating, and defecating may be painful. Sexual activity is generally not recommended before six weeks after delivery.
Breastfeeding!
During pregnancy, many changes are occurring in women’s breasts that gear them up to provide the perfect food for their babies at the exact moment it is needed. Within the first two months of pregnancy, the newly pregnant mother’s breasts begin to enlarge as blood flow increases and glandular tissues enlarge. A mother’s nipples become tender and larger, and the areolae (the surrounding pigmented area around the nipples) expand and darken. By the end of the first trimester, a mother’s breasts are proliferating with new milk ducts and milk-producing glands, which replace the fatty and supportive tissue of the nonpregnant breast.
After delivery, estrogen and progesterone decline quickly, while prolactin, the hormone that stimulates breast milk production, increases. The more the infant suckles, the more milk is produced. A mother’s milk production works along the simple principle of supply and demand. Milk supply increases as her baby’s stomach volume increases.
Q: What happens to prolactin levels when a mother is not breastfeeding?
A: Non-breastfeeding mothers see their prolactin levels return to normal (non-lactating) levels within one to two weeks after delivery, and menstruation will resume seven to nine weeks after delivery.
Breastfeeding delays both ovulation and thus menstruation as well. If you breastfeed exclusively for the first six months of your baby’s life, you are unlikely to ovulate or become pregnant—but caution is advised. It doesn’t always work out that way!
Another significant change that happens in the body of a postdelivery mother is weight loss. There is an immediate weight loss of ten to thirteen pounds with the delivery of the baby, placenta, amniotic fluid, and blood loss. Shortly after birth, a natural diuresis (excess urine loss) results in another five to eight pounds of weight loss. Finally, another two to three pounds are shed within a few weeks due to the uterus shrinking. Younger mothers with lower pre-pregnancy weights lose weight quicker than older moms. Adipose (fat-storing) tissue gained during pregnancy is lost more slowly, usually over a period of three to six months.
Mom’s First Task: Recovery
In the first days and weeks after delivering a baby, a mother’s hair may be thinner due to hormone changes; she might be sweating more as the body deals with excess fluid; her uterus has not shrunk yet, and a baby bump will still be visible. Her body has changed, and it will take some time for her pre-pregnancy body to return.
So one of the very first responsibilities a mother must accomplish after the birth of her child is recovery. Yes, it’s also a mother’s job to nourish and care for her baby, but if she pushes herself too hard too fast, it makes recovery from birth longer and more difficult.
The physical and mental changes that a new mommy experiences make for a wild ride. They are difficult to negotiate and contend with for any new mom, but this is where new dads come in!
Daddies
While all this is happening with Mom, Dad may be watching and wondering where he fits in. For some men, the process of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding is a fully feminine and foreign phenomenon. Many men engage the process with mixed emotions. They see that their partners—and with this, their lives together as a couple—are changing quickly.
“Baby making” happens when men and women find each other and fall in love, but actually making a baby is a task for a woman’s body. For the guys watching their partners going through the process, it’s like seeing the aurora borealis, a harvest moon, and a total eclipse of the sun all rolled into one human, double-rainbow experience. So, while moms are going through the nine months of this star-spangled, gestational extravaganza, dads are charged with the much less dramatic role of being supportive.
Dad’s Hormones Are Raging Too!
But there’s a lot more to it than men know. There are also unseen hormonal changes happening in men that most guys (and gals) are completely unaware of. Like the hormonal changes that happen in women, men—at least those men who live together with their partners during gestation—undergo an internal hormonal storm that is preparing them for their future role of being daddies. Referred to in the neurobiology field as biobehavioral synchrony, the contemporaneous hormonal changes that occur in both men and women during gestation represent a stealth mother-father codependency that is important for child rearing in biparental, monogamous animal species.
Things hormonally begin changing for men around the end of the first trimester into their partners’ pregnancies. God, in his infinite wisdom, surreptitiously built into pregnancy an arrangement between men and women, ultimately for the health and well-being of the newborn on the way. In biblical terms, “the two shall become one flesh.” In medical terms, men begin to hormonally look a little more like women.
The hormonal changes that men experience start with the ultimate male hormone: testosterone. Known as the “macho” hormone, testosterone is associated with sexual partner seeking and aggressive conduct in men. These classical male behaviors are not necessarily conducive for good fathering, and thus, unbeknownst to most to-be daddies, testosterone levels begin to tumble during pregnancy, especially during the final trimester. They continue to be low for several months after delivery. Researchers studying this phenomenon suggest that this reduction in testosterone results in less risk-taking (a daddy is going to be needed by both Mommy and the baby, so this is not a great time for Dad to die) and an increase in what most would consider more “feminine” behavior—namely, nurturing. Men are clearly capable of nurturing, but they do a better job of it when they are not under the influence and taunted by elevated testosterone levels. So nature solved the puzzle and helped men out by slowing down the factory.
Another hormone, one that we are well acquainted with as affecting mothers, also shows up to change the nature of men too. The famous “love” hormone, oxytocin, that so positively influences nursing mothers to bond with their babies also increases in the serum of fathers, and, as it does in women, oxytocin prods men to bond with their babies. For men, the oxytocin increase is minuscule compared to that of a nursing mother, but even a slight boost in oxytocin levels in men intensifies their sense of devotion toward their baby. Oxytocin increases as a graded response; the more involvement a dad has with his child, the higher oxytocin rises. As one might expect, dads who spend minimal time with their newborn children don’t get this oxytocin bump and sadly will therefore not have the same intensity of closeness with their newborns. For dads, inducing an oxytocin bump should be worth fighting for! (Stephanie Pappas, “The Science of Fatherhood: Why Dads Matter,” NBC News, June 19, 2012.)
Another hormone, prolactin, known to induce milk production in women, also increases in men. Made in the brain, this hormone in men causes them to become more alert and responsive to the cries of their babies.
Finally, still yet another hormone is active in the postpartum daddy. Vasopressin, sometimes known as the “monogamy” hormone, causes men to bond more fervently with their partners, become more jealous for the mother of their child, and thus more apt to guard and defend both mom and baby in the case of emergency.
Couvade Syndrome
Scientists have described a rare but unique constellation of symptoms that occur in some men who are cohabitating with a pregnant woman. Called Couvade syndrome or sympathetic pregnancy, it is regarded by most doctors as psychosomatic. Men with this syndrome mirror their partners’ pregnancies with weight gain, morning sickness, and disturbed sleep patterns during pregnancy.
What’s a Dad to Do?
Since breastfeeding occupies a big portion of caring for a newborn, biology dictates that mothers end up doing the bulk of the work with their babies early on. However, there’s still plenty for dads to do to help care for babies, though some men feel ill at ease with the supporting role into which they’ve been cast. As one comedian quipped to his wife when she asked him to watch their newborn baby, “Just because you gave birth to a baby hardly qualifies me to start caring for one!”
But dads do have work to do. It’s different work because moms and dads are uniquely different. As one writer put it: “Gender equal, but gender different.” This becomes abundantly clear to any couple who has ever parented a child together.
But for those who ask, “Am I up for the job?” I assure them that they are and there are plenty of important reasons for dads to want to play their part.
Researchers who study families show clearly something that we all know intuitively—namely, dads who are intimately involved with their children have a huge influence on their children throughout life. Ronald Rohner, director of the Center for the Study of Interpersonal Acceptance and Rejection at the University of Connecticut, says, “Knowing that kids feel loved by their father is a better predictor of young adults’ sense of well-being, of happiness, of life satisfaction than knowing about the extent to which they feel loved by their mothers.”
Dads’ involvement in the lives of their children also increases their overall “stick-with-it-ness”, a trait that Brigham Young University researchers called persistence. Fathers’ involvement with their children increased this quality in their children.
So here are a couple of ways dads can make a difference the first year of life with their babies:
• Encouragement: The first thing you can do for your partner is applaud! Tell her how proud you are of her and how honored you are to have a partner like her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Encourage her to breastfeed, and make yourself available to do whatever needs to be done—from getting a glass of water to making a meal. Studies show that dads who encourage their partners to breastfeed see exactly that. Their partners breastfeed their babies at higher rates than moms who don’t receive support and encouragement from their partners—and this makes for happier and healthier babies!
• Spend Time with Your Baby: Do your half of the parenting workload by spending time with baby. Pick up your baby, hold him skin-to-skin, and enjoy lots of time with him. Look him in the eyes and tell him that you love him, but remember too that his focal length is short, so stay close to his face.
• Baby Dates: Dates don’t have to be reserved only for your significant other. You can also “date your baby.” Plan to spend one-on-one time with your little one as much as possible. This could be a daily walk around the block, a trip to the park, or simply a special time to cuddle. These “baby dates” give your partner some precious moments to rest and will further bond you with your newborn.
• Diaper Changes: Studies of postdelivery couples show that dads who share the dirty duty of diapers enhance their marriage in the long term. Not only will changing your baby’s soiled diapers help take some of the pressure off Mom, it gives Dad more time to connect with baby through caring for him or her. One mother I know told me that she never touched a dirty diaper until her daughter was walking! Here’s how she put it: “I was at the beck and call for breastfeeding. He was at the beck and call of what came out the other end!”
• Feedings: If possible, help your partner with feeding the baby by using pumped breast milk in a bottle or formula if she has chosen to supplement. Share the burden of nighttime feedings this way; parenting is a twenty-four-hour-per-day job for everyone.
• Baby Massages: Give your baby a gentle massage! When you do, not only does he feel loved, studies show that massages benefit his sleeping and digestion as well.
• Household Chores and Meals: While this one is perhaps a rather obvious suggestion, it’s important to take seriously. Prepare a meal for Mommy, do the dishes, and fold the laundry, even if these aren’t usually on your to-do list. It’s all hands on deck. While you may not be directly interacting with your baby through these chores, you are making sure the household runs, and that is good for everyone.
The Dreaded Baby Blues and More
In addition to helping to care for the new babe, dads also need to take special care of their partners during the newborn stage. Along with the biological fireworks that women experience, the period immediately after delivery can be an emotionally volatile time for many new moms. Nearly 70 percent of postpartum mothers go through a period of emotional letdown, otherwise known as the “baby blues,” and up to 13 percent of recently delivered moms have significant depression. Fortunately, for most moms, postpartum blues passes within two weeks.
During these days, however, dads must be the emotional rock their partners need if they are being hammered by whacked-out hormone surges. I have many amazing women in my practice who shoulder great responsibility and are highly accomplished yet find themselves overwrought with emotion and brimming with tears in the postpartum days. This is not a rarity.
I think most postpartum mothers recognize how painfully vulnerable they are. The days after delivery are some of the most exposed and raw moments in the life of a woman. How their partners react during this time is important. Even though a postpartum mother may not act quite like herself, she nevertheless will remember every word spoken to her. For many men, this is a baptism by fire into the art of nurturing, and many times, the best thing a guy can do is exude kindness, maintain a calm spirit, and, to employ a biblical injunction, “be quick to listen and slow to speak.” For the great majority of mothers, the situation is temporary, but how dads support and help their partners during this period is important both in the short term and in the long term as well.
Postpartum Depression
Postpartum blues are different from postpartum depression. Up to 70 percent of new moms suffer from the “baby blues.” This emotional state peaks between two and five days after delivery and shows itself in excessive weepiness, sadness, mood lability, irritability, and anxiety. Symptoms do not seriously impair the ability of the mother to care for her newborn and generally resolve spontaneously by two weeks.
Postpartum depression, on the other hand, is more recalcitrant and includes symptoms such as pervasive depressed mood, diminished interest or pleasure in all or most activities, either significant weight loss or weight gain, insomnia or excessive sleeping, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, excessive guilt, and suicidal ideation. Postpartum depression is estimated to affect 6–13 percent of women. Sleeplessness in the postpartum period plays a significant role in the cause of this phenomenon.
Postpartum depression is a serious medical issue and should be reported to a mother’s obstetrician during postpartum follow-up appointments.
One Postpartum Mother with the Baby Blues
One mom in my practice, a successful lawyer, was hit particularly hard by the postpartum emotional roller coaster. Every morning when I saw her on my rounds, no matter what I said to her about her baby, she would burst into uncontrolled sobbing. When I told her she had a lovely baby, she sobbed. When I explained why her baby had a rash, she wept. When I shared with her that I thought her baby looked like the daddy, she welled with tears.
Since she had had a cesarean section delivery and thus was in the hospital for a longer period, this weeping scenario went on for several days. Finally, on the day she was scheduled to go home, I came into her room and said with a broad smile, “Don’t cry!” She laughed momentarily, understanding the humor of my “command,” but then, without another word from me, her lower lip drooped and began to slowly quiver. Seconds later, the tears were flowing. We both—she through her tears—laughed aloud. Here was a mother, wise in a worldly sense, accomplished in every way, totally in love with her baby and yet emotionally bereft!
SURPRISE: Postpartum Depression Can Happen with Dads Too
Q: Can dads experience postpartum depression?
A: Surprise! The answer is yes. Ten percent of men experience postpartum depression too. Financial stress, feeling like a third wheel, temporary loss of their sex life, a change in their relationship with their partners, an altered lifestyle, and sleep deprivation all contribute to their slumps. Others feel a sense of jealousy toward their child when they are required to share the attention of their partner with the baby.
Dad, if you think you may be experiencing postpartum depression, don’t be afraid to seek out help and express the feelings you have. You are not weak or alone in your situation. Having a baby is one of the biggest experiences of a lifetime, bringing lots of drastic changes that are hard to adjust to. Getting the help you need at this time will allow you to be the best dad you can be to your new child.
Dads Continue to Be Important Beyond the Newborn Period!
The benefits of having an involved father are legion. Study after study demonstrates the value of having a dad who is responsive and actively participating in the lives of his children. In the biblical book of Malachi, it’s considered a great blessing for a family and a culture when “a man’s heart turns toward their children and the hearts of the children [turn] to their fathers.”
Involved fathers during the newborn period and beyond enhance the quality of their children’s lives in many ways: from cognitive, emotional, and social development to a sense of well-being, a decrease in negative child outcomes, and even physical health. Here are just some of the ways the presence of a father can positively impact a child.
Cognitive Development: Studies show that children with dads who are actively involved in their lives (measured by amounts of interaction, levels of play, and caregiving) are more cognitively competent at six months of age, scoring higher on the Bayley Scales of Infant and Toddler Development tests. Specifically:
• At one year of age, their developmental advanced prowess continues.
• At three years of age, they have higher IQs.
• School-aged children with involved daddies have better quantitative and verbal skills, score higher on achievement tests, and have higher grade point averages. They even enjoy school more!
Emotional Development: Infants whose dads are actively involved in their lives have a deeper sense of security, handle strange situations better, are more resilient in stressful situations, exhibit greater curiosity, and show more eagerness to explore their environments. These are all positive findings that bode well for these children.
Social Development: Fathers who are engaged with their children also produce offspring who are more socially developed. They demonstrate better social competence, social initiative, and social maturity, and they have a capacity to relate better with others. These children have more positive peer relations and tend to be more popular and liked by their peers.
Decrease in Negative Child Development Outcomes: Children with involved dads have reduced potential for future episodes of depression and sadness as well as reduced engagement in antisocial or adverse behaviors later in life, including substance abuse, delinquency, truancy, stealing, and lying.
Benefits for Physical Health: Children raised in a father-absent home are twice as likely to suffer from obesity, and infant mortality is twice as high too. “Present” dads also indirectly influence the health of their children by optimizing the health of mothers. Moms with supportive partners enjoy a greater sense of well-being and a more positive postpartum period than single mothers or mothers where the father is not involved at all. This translates into healthier children as well.
Stay-at-Home Dads and Paternal Leave
Aside from breastfeeding, men can learn the ropes of early childcare and do an amazing job. The number of families opting to have Daddy at home is increasing. These fathers who assume the role of caretaker reap the rewards of the job: they get to bond with their children and enjoy watching their young ones change daily in front of their eyes.
These are all reasons why a dad should take paternal leave if it is available to them. Dads play an important role throughout the newborn stage and beyond. Don’t miss out on it! The experience and presence brings goodness to you, your baby, and Mommy too.
Moms and Dads Are Equal Players
Parents form a lovely, woven-together, complementing team. Like a teeter-totter, when one member of the team is down, the other is up, but if one goes missing, the whole program is thrown off. Moms and dads are both needed, and you need each other to raise a child successfully. And since children love both of their parents with equal intensity, “Dad time” is as important to them as “Mom time.”
As we have seen, there are a slew of hormones that affect and prepare both moms and dads for the job of child raising. Yes, mothers are endowed with a greater share of these hormones and may thus have a natural advantage over the fathers, but dads, when your babies start fussing, you don’t need to immediately hand them back to their mothers. Figure out how to comfort and help your child as handily as its mother. It can be done, and it is important that these skills be learned.
Raising children is a gigantic investment of time and energy, but if moms and dads do it together as a team, raising children is fun! And everyone wins, especially your baby.
So enjoy the experience of parenthood together as each parent plays a unique and critical role in the life of the child.