Start Fresh—Live “Off the Grid” and Avoid All the Stuff … At Least for the First Month
You read that right! I know it sounds preposterous, but for the first month after delivery, you don’t need a lot of stuff for your baby. Toys, clothes, cribs, and even strollers are things that get in the way of loving, experiencing, and enjoying your newborn.
During this same short period of time, parents would also do themselves a favor if they put all their stuff aside too. For the first month of your baby’s life, things like cell phones and baby apps become distractions.
Think of it like this: the first four weeks with your newborn ought to be a monthlong, skin-to-skin love-in—a super-bonding, thirty-day extravaganza. Do everything in your power to make it so.
The uniqueness of giving birth and the precious and evanescent first days with your newborn are so special, I shudder when I see the experience marred by things—and that includes anything that will compete or interfere with those tender first moments that never come back to you.
There are few times in life like it. Parents need to savor every minute and bask in the sunshine of the treasure they have been given, so my plea is this: don’t let material things get in the way.
Toys, clothes, cribs, strollers, and cell phones are all things. Turns out, they are wonderful and utilitarian things that, in their proper time and place, are necessary, but if you’re not careful, they will interfere with the first-month honeymoon with your baby. As time trickles into weeks and then months, these items will again regain their necessary status, but not now.
A Glut of Gifts
That said, it’s hard to keep the avalanche of material things under control. And no matter what your intentions might be and what you do to keep it to a low roar, the plethora of baby items that come your way can be astounding. When you have a baby, your family and friends are going to be very happy for you. As a gesture of their happiness and their generosity, they will want to give you lots of things. That’s how people show their love. I regard this as a positive thing, but sometimes, it’s too much! Young parents find themselves drowning in gifts, and unfortunately, many of these gifts go unused.
So how is it possible to turn off the deluge without offending those who love you? There’s no perfect answer to this “good problem to have,” but maybe you can ask a close friend to get the word out to your well-wishing friends and family that your immediate needs have been met, but gift certificates that can be used later to buy diapers and other child-related articles would be appreciated. Gift certificates, of course, are boring. They don’t carry the pow and pizzazz that some gift-givers like to create, but in the end, they often prove to be more useful and more appreciated by young parents.
An even more wonderful gift is good, old-fashioned cash. Money doesn’t make the world go round, but as Jimmy Stewart’s character said in the movie It’s a Wonderful Life, “It comes in real handy down here.” Truer words have never been spoken.
Sometimes, for example, finances are not there for parents to take either extended maternity or paternity leaves. This is where a financial gift would make a big difference. Money talk can produce a bit of awkwardness with people, but if you can get over that and if you have family or friends who feel comfortable giving a financial gift that would allow either Mommy or Daddy to stay at home longer with your new baby or address a pending financial obligation, this would be an invaluable, timely gift that would be forever treasured.
Six Unbeatable Gifts for a New Mother
There are some gifts that are greatly appreciated by a new mother, and I assure you, these gifts will be used!
1. Having her partner or a loved one (like her mom) at home with Mommy for the first couple of weeks after delivery.
2. Hiring a mommy’s helper to do errands, laundry, household chores, share in some baby care, and cook food for the month.
3. Securing for Mom a comfortable chair in a cozy spot for nursing.
4. Get Mom new slippers and a new nightgown or a new postmaternity outfit—comfy pants or nursing tops.
5. Providing housecleaning for a month.
6. Give Mommy a day at the spa and babysitting to help her get there.
Some Thoughts About Toys
I know families with young children who can no longer sweep their living room floors, they rake them. Why? Because they have allowed their homes to become so littered with toys that a simple broom won’t do the job. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t turn your home into a toy box—and a hazardous place for bare feet—just because you had a baby. And by the way, the majority of these toys will never be played with by your baby in the manner that they were meant to be used. Instead, they are thrown around the room like missiles, employed as hammers to pound on other toys, or simply ignored.
Good toys are objects that bring interest or joy to your baby. For infants, this is usually some sort of colorful article that is soft to touch, safely chewable, and makes noises in response to their touch. As babies grow, good toys engage your child’s interest, expand their world, and tickle their imaginations. (See breakout box for a list of true toys for babies.)
Your face is your child’s first toy.
—JILL STAMM, BRIGHT FROM THE START
Playing with Your Baby
Even from the very moment your babies are born, you can play with them. Playing with babies doesn’t require any kind of object, however. It simply involves interacting with them with facial expressions, gestures, and touch.
Author Jill Stamm, in her book Bright from the Start, put it well when she wrote, “Your face is your child’s first toy.” Babies are naturally drawn to faces. When offered a choice between faces or other items to look at, from the first moments of life, children always choose faces. Your face is the one thing that they want most to engage, the one object that holds their interest most.
So give your baby her heart’s desire: your lovely face. For with your face comes your open and attentive eyes, filled with joy, excitement, and love. And with your face comes smiles, coos, and soft, assuring words that speak to the heart of your newborn baby.
After her first month of life, your newborn will benefit from a handful of simple, cheap, and educational toys like a plush toy to hug, a vivid mobile to follow, and a textured cloth animal to reach out for with her fingers.
But there is no need to fill your house with baby toys, especially toys that are intended for the first month. That said, how many toys does a baby need? The answer is: not as many as you think. Every year, the average family in the United States spends $371 per child on games and toys. In contrast, families in Spain spend an average of $176 per child per year. Three percent of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40 percent of the toys consumed globally. The English aren’t any better than the Americans. A British study found that the average ten-year-old in England owns 238 toys—but plays with only 12 on a daily basis!
So, if we choose to believe the numbers, we are overwhelming our children with too many toys, toys that they frequently don’t appreciate, toys that they don’t use, and toys that clog our homes. My recommendation is this: buy toys for your children only after their first month. Find simple toys that fuel their imagination and engage their senses, and above all, avoid toys that require batteries to make them work.
True Toys for Baby—After One Month
1. Rattles
2. Unbreakable mirrors
3. Hardback or cloth books with simple, bright pictures
4. Soft, washable, colorful stuffed animals or dolls
5. Small stuffed fabric balls
6. Bath toys
Beware of Batteries
Small batteries are a choking risk for young children. In addition, they can lodge in a child’s esophagus or stomach and cause serious mucosal erosions.
No Clothes Either?
Humans need clothing to protect them from the elements. Babies, particularly, have a higher body-surface-area-to-weight ratio than adults and therefore are more likely to become either too cold in cold weather or too warm in hot conditions than adults.
So children do need some protection from the environment—but like toys, clothes can also be a distraction. I’m talking about those cute ballerina outfits, the shirts, the jeans, and the frothy dresses, all those outfits that are so delightful for babies to don.
I understand that dressing up your baby can be fun, but when parents are fumbling and futzing with innumerable snaps, zippers, and buttons dressing their just-born babies, their energies are diverted from loving and caressing to an unnecessary task.
By the way, dressing a baby is a challenge for anyone. Little babies are in constant motion. When you push, they pull. What you put in, they take out. And their spiderlike, pencil-thin, but amazingly strong little fingers cling to everything—and they don’t let go. Just disengaging those fingers from the sleeves of a shirt is a challenge. My point is this: dressing your newborn babies is an effort that requires a lot of your attention—attention that is better directed to loving and cherishing them.
There is another more practical reason why I recommend no fancy clothes for the first month. Your baby is going to plump up and grow a lot faster than you think. Purchasing clothes for newborns is a waste of resources because they are going to grow out of them—you guessed it—in one month or maybe even sooner.
So resist the temptation to buy those cute newborn clothes and get your just-born baby a couple of warm blankets, some receiving blankets for swaddling, a sleep sack, and a handful of onesies. Your baby will be just fine, and he will never know the difference. After the first month, you clothes hounds can then go for it. You’re free to start dressing him in all the clothes that you got from your friends.
SURPRISE EXCEPTION: Grandmothers and Aunties Get a Pass
I learned early on in my doctoring career not to pick fights with grandmothers and aunties.
I already know that your mother, your mother-in-law, and all your baby’s aunties are going to abhor my “no clothes” policy. So here’s my consolation. Let ’em have their party, and let ’em dress up your baby to their hearts’ content. I know this is fun, and frankly, there is nothing cuter than seeing your newborn daughter in cowgirl duds. Grandmothers and aunties love doing this, so far be it from me to interfere with family traditions.
When It Comes to Baby Clothes, Make Yours a Hand-Me-Down World
Clothes for young babies that have already been used by other children make wonderful hand-me-down gifts. Young infants don’t spend much time in the dirt or even on the floor, so their hand-me-down clothes are often in perfect, off-the-shelf condition. Take advantage of this opportunity to save your family some money.
Cribs and Co-Sleeping
When you sleep, your every dream will be filled with thoughts of this new love in your life. So don’t put your baby down the hall in another room or even on the other side of your bedroom in a crib that looks like a clunky, wooden cage. Instead, keep them close by your side in a co-sleeper or bassinet.
Cribs will be needed later when it’s time to sleep-train your baby, but not in the first month. A simple bassinet (or even the proverbial dresser drawer or cardboard box) next to your bed will do the trick for your newborn baby who undoubtedly will be up frequently at night for feeds and attention.
By definition, co-sleeping means sleeping next to your infant either by having your baby share your bed or sleeping near your baby, who is in a separate space (like a bassinet) but within arm’s reach. Pediatricians recommend parents not to sleep in the same bed as their infants. We do recommend, however, that parents sleep next to their babies, especially during the first six months. We refer to children who sleep next to their parents as near-sleepers.
There’s good evidence that near-sleeping makes good sense. The research on the physiological effects that near-sleeping has on children is, likewise, fascinating. For example, it has been shown that an infant sleeping close to her mother or father will be exposed to the carbon dioxide her parent exhales during sleep. Carbon dioxide acts as a respiratory stimulant for a baby, and thus, this exposure decreases the risk for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Near-sleeping babies also spend more time sleeping on their backs or sides in a ready-to-feed position, which again decreases the risk for SIDS.
Some studies even suggest longer-term benefits of near-sleeping for a child, including less anxiety, higher self-esteem, being more comfortable with affection—even better behavior in school.
No Bed Sharing
Actual bed sharing with newborns is dangerous, especially if smoking, drugs and alcohol, obesity, waterbeds, or couches are any part of the picture. I prefer parents of young babies to use a bassinet or similar sleeper beside their beds, but within reaching distance of the mother. Here are the immediate advantages:
• Better sleep—near-sleeping infants startle and cry far less during sleep.
• Stable physiology—babies sleeping beside their parents have more regular temperature, heart rhythm, and breathing.
• Overall decrease in SIDS—in countries where near-sleeping is the norm, SIDS is rare.
Instead of Strollers, Wear Your Baby
Strollers give moms and dads the liberty to get out of the house and into the neighborhood. But they also take young babies out of the arms of their parents.
For moms and dads who want to stay close to their babies and get some fresh air during the first month, wearing your lightweight, snuggly newborn in a sling around your chest is the best solution. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it keeps your baby as close to you as possible.
The advocacy group Babywearing International defines baby wearing as “the practice of keeping your baby or toddler close and connected to you as you engage in daily activities [while utilizing] one of a variety of types of baby carriers.” While this form of baby transport has been the norm for centuries in many cultures, baby wearing is now growing in popularity in industrialized countries as well.
From ring slings to Mei Tais and woven wraps, there are several low-cost and easy-to-use carriers available that can be utilized to keep your baby close, warm, comfortable, and happy while you carry on with your daily activities.
FOUR BENEFITS OF BABY WEARING FOR PARENTS
Here are some of the reasons why moms and dads all over the world wear their babies.
1. Hands-free living: Wearing your baby can make the life of new parents easier. With your baby held tight to your chest, your hands are free to do life’s basic tasks.
2. Getting out of the house made easy: Compared to toting and folding up strollers, folding up a wrap or soft structure carrier when you’re on the go is simple.
3. Parents feel more confident: When your baby is right under your nose, it’s easier to sense when he is frightened, hungry, or restless, so it’s easier to accommodate his needs before his complaints disturb other people around you.
4. Easier to keep up with older children too: Parents with older toddlers can keep up with them better outdoors when their new, younger sibling rides along in a sling.
FOUR BENEFITS FOR BABIES
1. Babies stay content longer: When babies are worn, they get to enjoy looking at their surroundings and learning about the world around them while having Mommy or Daddy close, feeling their womb-like warmth and hearing their heartbeats.
2. Increased trust in parents: When babies know they can easily communicate to their parents when they are hungry, sleepy, wet, or bored, the trust in their parents increases.
3. Ability to see Mom or Dad’s face: When babies are held close, they can easily see your face. And they love your face!
4. See and learn from what Mom or Dad is doing: Babies love to watch their parents. Whether you are preparing food or folding laundry, your baby is watching and learning while seated in a carrier, at eye level with your actions.
Styles of Carriers
• Ring slings: Worn over one shoulder with baby in front, ring slings are a popular choice for newborns and infants and can also be used for toddlers.
• Pouch carriers: A simple tube of fabric that is worn over one shoulder like the ring sling.
• Mei Tais: A modernized version of the traditional Asian-style baby carriers, a Mei Tai is made of one panel of fabric with two long shoulder straps and two shorter straps that go around the waist. While Mei Tais are ideal for older babies and toddlers, they can also be used safely with newborns.
• Long or short woven wraps: With a wide variety of fabrics and lengths to choose from, woven wraps are the simplest and most traditional of all carriers. Learning to wrap may seem intimidating at first, but anyone can master and enjoy it with a little practice! Since they have no hardware, woven wraps are great for snuggling newborns, but they can also be used for toddlers of any age.
• Soft structure / buckle carriers: With a thick, padded waistband and shoulder straps, soft structure carriers (SSCs) can easily be worn with baby in front or in back. The straps are adjustable for a custom, comfortable, ergonomic fit, making this the most popular type of baby carrier on the market today.
Before I leave this topic, let me say that strollers are wonderful, marvelously engineered tools that will make your life easier and more doable as your baby grows. But for the first month, keep things simple and save your money. Hold your baby close in your arms and wrap her snugly to your chest.
Mobile Phones Take You Away from Your Baby
Mobile phones are one of the most astounding inventions of our modern world. As a pediatrician, I live on my cell phone, and with the never-ending number of apps available, my cell phone has become the most useful tool I own.
In a word, like a lot of other people I know, I am irredeemably addicted to it. I know this because I once lost this trusted friend, and the confusion and total bewilderment that I felt for days after the loss underlined my dependence on it.
When we go to a concert or a movie, however, the audience is reminded to turn off their phones before the music begins. There is nothing more irritating to a conductor or fellow viewers than to have cell phones sound off like roosters in the middle of a musical piece.
Cell phone use during the first month of a child’s life also needs to be conquered. Like a musical performance that shan’t be interrupted, the first days of your baby’s life are sacred, and cell phones represent a disrupting distraction.
So say goodbye to your wonderful electronic friend for a month after your baby is born. Put it on the shelf and let it rest.
Don’t lose it, but don’t use it either.
Apps Have Gotta Go Too!
Along with your phone, you’ve also got to park all your apps. There is an amazing array of baby apps that have parents documenting the number of feedings, the frequency and quality of every stool, daily weights and sleep patterns of a child … all on a moment-to-moment basis.
Of course, these apps are cool, but they aren’t needed in the least. Moms and dads who forgo this blow-by-blow record keeping—whether they use an app or whether they write it down—are going to save themselves hours of logging data that, in the big picture, have almost zero value.
When your pediatrician asks you about your baby’s daily habits, she is not expecting a computer-generated spreadsheet, nor is she looking for a robust dissertation about every poo and pee your child has ever passed. She’s looking for generalities. If you child is not urinating, this is a problem, and you will know it. If your baby has not passed stool for the past week, you won’t need an app to answer the question. You will know, and you will be able to give an excellent answer to all your pediatrician’s queries. So save your time for more productive tasks, like kissing your baby’s toes.
New Parents Only Want the Best
I know that young parents want to do the “right” thing by their children more than anything else. All dads and moms want to get off on the right foot and to provide their babies with the best opportunities they can, right from the beginning. Achieving these goals and knowing what really is best for their babies, however, is often confusing in our consumer-based, media-saturated culture.
That said, leveraging this natural desire parents have to do the best they can for their children translates into selling opportunities for those who have products to market. I have nothing against people selling things, but when it comes to babies, most of these things that companies tell parents they have to have are unnecessary, especially during the first month. Too much stuff during the first weeks of life only gets in the way of what is important.
So don’t go there. Save yourself loads of cash and become a minimalist. Get the basic items you need and no more.
Ten Things Your Baby Doesn’t Need
As a new parent, you will be inundated with suggestions on what to buy. Much of it is not necessary at all!
1. Changing table—diapers are most often changed on the fly: in the bedroom, the living room or the local park. Buy a simple waterproof pad that you can put down where and when you need it, or choose a changing table that incorporates a set of drawers or shelves for storage if that is something you need.
2. Baby baths—a large washing-up bowl will do the trick, or even the kitchen sink or even a bucket!
3. Diaper disposal system—most parents want to get used diapers out of the house just as fast as possible, so a pack of diaper sacks and the household trash can solve all your problems.
4. High chair—not only do they take up room, they quickly become encrusted with all kind of food matter. Instead, find a booster-style seat that attaches to a regular chair. Choose the simplest design with the fewest nooks and crannies for food to lodge in.
5. Changing bag—those specially branded diaper bags come with a high price tag. A simple tote bag does the job just as well.
6. Crib—I recommend a bassinet beside the bed for the first six months. After that, a crib that can later be transformed into a bed will last longer and ease the transition to a real bed.
7. Pram, or the traditional baby buggy—this is only useful for the first few months, and then it ceases to have any value at all. I recommend carrying your baby in a sling during those early days. So skip the pram and buy a stroller when you need it.
8. Nursing chair—yes, you need a comfortable chair with good back support for feeding baby, but it doesn’t need to be a specially designed furniture item.
9. Playpen—another cage-like device that you don’t really need. Babies should explore; just make sure your home is child-safe.
10. Baby food processor—once your baby is ready for solids, steaming and mashing vegetables and fruit doesn’t require specialized equipment. All it takes is a fork and a strong arm.
What Babies Really Want
I am not making these “anti” recommendations just to be contrary. Instead, I am giving young parents the liberty to say no to the distractions, to save a bundle of dough, and, as a bonus, to free them to cocoon themselves away from our gadget-strewn world for the first month with their babies.
Toys, clothes, strollers, cribs, and yes, even cell phones are just some of the more obvious distractions that divert parents’ attention from their babies. There are many others. But for one month—one very short month—I hope moms and dads will step back and do nothing else but relish their babies. That they will value those ephemeral moments to enjoy, appreciate, and bond with the new love of their lives in the most intimate, deep, and quiet way they can, unencumbered by the whirl and whiz of material stuff.
Each minute of your baby’s fresh new life is infinitely precious, and once they slip past, we never get them back. Treasure the riches of each day, and do not commit the common error of getting lost with things.
I am also making these recommendations as an advocate for your baby. What they need and what they want more than anything is you!
You without any competition. You without distractions. You without the muddle of extraneous stuff. Just you.
Off-the-Grid Living
Finally, in recommending that parents go without lots of stuff and live an off-the-grid existence for the first month after your baby is born, I’m hoping that some of this simple lifestyle sticks. If you can adjust to leaner living—not only for the first month but for the months and years ahead—you and your family will enjoy deeper and fuller lives. Acquiring and having things has never satisfied the souls of human beings anyway. We know this in our hearts, but the temptation to have things is almost impossible to overcome, especially if we deem these things to be of value to our children. We all want the best for our children, but the “best” for them is usually not more stuff.
I am far from a neo-bohemian, nor do I advocate returning to hippie life. I once lived on a commune and know firsthand the shortcomings of “back to the earth” idealism. I also know that I am unlikely to single-handedly push back the materialism and hyperconsumerism that has infected our world. And really, I am not interested in engaging that battle. I’ll leave that to the preachers and others to sort out. I know the nature of human beings. We are jealous creatures who envy what others possess and want what others have.
But there are elements of the monastic, simpler, Walden Pond lifestyle that are meritorious. And maybe some readers who take my minimalistic “no toys, no clothes, no strollers, no cribs, and no cell phones” prescription for the first month of their babies’ lives will come out on the other side of that first month and keep going. To some, minimalism may sound unpleasant or even impossible, but it is eminently doable. So, new dads and moms, you have permission to live a simpler and easier life, free from chaos and clutter and full of familial love and meaningful interactions.
In the world we live in, it’s worth a try.