EMILY WAVED AT CHRIS BEFORE DISAPPEARING INTO THE house. Chris was walking on clouds as he made his way back to Onkel Hank’s place. He was approaching the steps when he heard the phone in the shanty ringing. His shoulders clenched with apprehension. Phone calls late at night usually meant bad news. Had something happened to his parents?
He rushed into the shanty and snatched the receiver from the cradle. “Hello?”
“Christopher?” Mamm’s voice was soft and unsure in his ear.
Fear shot through his body, freezing him in place. “Mamm? Is everything all right?”
“Ya, I want to wish you a happy birthday. I didn’t want to bother you earlier, so I thought I’d give you a call before heading to bed.”
“Oh.” Chris blew out a sigh of relief as he sat down on the bench inside the shanty. “Danki.”
“Did you have a nice birthday?” Her words were hesitant.
“Ya, I did.” Chris leaned his elbows on the small desk where the phone sat. “Mei freind planned a surprise party for me, and I wasn’t expecting it. I just walked her home.”
“Her? What’s her name?”
“Emily Fisher. She lives next door.”
“Oh, that’s so nice. I was praying you would find some happiness in Bird-in-Hand.”
Chris was almost certain he heard a hitch in her voice. Was Mamm crying? “Mamm?” He sat up straight as alarm swept through him. “Are you all right?”
“Ya, ya.” She sniffed. “I’ve been so worried about you. It’s so gut to actually speak to you and have a conversation. Tell me about Emily.”
“Ah, well.” Heat drenched his cheeks. “She’s schee, and she’s schmaert. She makes quilts and cooks, and she also works in the harness shop.”
“Are you in love?”
Chris cringed, unsure how to respond to the question.
“I had a feeling God sent you to Bird-in-Hand for a purpose. I suppose it was to fall in love. I’m so froh for you.”
Chris gnawed his lower lip. Was Mamm right? “How is everyone?”
“Gut, gut. Paul and Rosanna visited today and brought the kinner over. Betsy is trying to talk more, and Mamie wanted to help me cook.” Mamm chuckled a bit. “They are so sweet. Everyone asked about you, and they told me to tell you happy birthday.”
“Even Dat?” He immediately regretted the question. Why did he have to ruin this good conversation?
Mamm hedged. “We all miss you. It’s not the same without you.”
She was avoiding the question, and his temper flared. “Did Dat say he misses me, or are you assuming he does?”
Mamm sighed, and he could picture her face in his mind. “Christopher,” she began, her words measured, “you are our son, and we both miss you very much.”
“If Dat misses me, then why hasn’t he called me?” He longed to curb his emotions, but his voice shook as he asked the question.
“I could ask you the same question. Why haven’t you called your dat and tried to talk to him?”
Chris was stumped.
“You both are very stubborn. The only way you can work out your problems is to sit down in a room together and take turns talking. That would mean keeping quiet while your dat talked and then he would have to do the same for you. Is there any chance this could happen?”
“I doubt it.” Chris shook his head as if she could see the motion through the phone line. “He never listened to me.” He was defensive, but it was the truth.
“That’s what you both say.” She clicked her tongue. “Let’s not argue, all right?” She sounded drained, as if the conversation was physically exhausting, and guilt swamped his frustration. “So how is mei bruder doing?”
Chris was grateful for the subject change. “He’s doing great.” His mood brightened. “I really enjoy working in his shop. In fact, I’ve designed products that are selling well.” He launched into telling her about his work and thirty minutes passed quickly.
“I suppose I should let you get to bed,” Mamm said. “It’s getting late.”
“Ya, I guess so.” Disappointment and regret washed over him. He longed to talk to her some more. “Danki for calling.”
“Gern gschehne. It’s so gut to talk to you.”
“You too, Mamm. Please give everyone my love.”
“I will.” She paused, and he could almost feel her contemplating something. “Christopher, would you consider coming home?”
He sucked in a breath.
“I’d love to see you,” she added quickly. “We all would like to see you even if you only came for a short visit. You left so quickly, and I feel as if there is so much to be resolved. If you came home to talk to your dat, I know you two could work things out.”
Chris swallowed and silence stretched between them like a great chasm. He didn’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings after the pleasant conversation they’d shared, but he also didn’t believe a simple discussion in the barn or over coffee would erase the pain his father’s accusations had caused.
“I don’t know,” he said finally. “I’ll have to think about it.”
“All right. Will you at least promise to call me again soon?”
“Of course I will. Take care, Mamm.”
“You too, Christopher.” Mamm sniffed. “Ich liebe dich.”
Chris’s eyes squeezed shut as homesickness wafted over him. “I love you too, Mamm.” They both said good night and disconnected the call.
He carried the lantern into the house as regret, longing, and homesickness roared through his mind. His attachment to Emily was blossoming, and he didn’t know if he should laugh or cry. He was relieved to have spoken to his mother but also frustrated with her request for him to come home and talk to Dat. He hung his hat on the peg on the wall in the mudroom and yanked off his boots.
Chris entered the kitchen and was surprised to find Aenti Tillie and Onkel Hank still up. They were sitting next to each other at the table. “Hi. I thought you had gone to bed.”
“We were just talking.” Onkel Hank pointed to a chair on the other side of the table. “Have a seat, son. Join us.”
“Okay.” Chris dropped into the chair across from them.
“Did you enjoy your party?” Onkel Hank asked.
“Ya. It was fantastic. I was really surprised.” Chris looked at his aunt. “Danki for all you did to help plan it.”
“Gern gschehne,” she said. “All I did was pick up the ice cream and give Emily suggestions for gifts.”
Another wave of astonishment rushed through him. Emily had gone to great lengths to plan this party for him. “Danki.” He paused for a moment. “I just talked to mei mamm.”
“Really?” Aenti Tillie’s eyes widened.
“Ya.” Chris’s fingers traced the hem of the blue tablecloth as he spoke. “The phone was ringing when I came back to the haus. She said she wanted to wish me a happy birthday. We talked for quite a while. She said everyone is doing well.”
“That’s great.” Onkel Hank glanced at Aenti Tillie and a silent conversation passed between them. He turned back toward Chris. “There’s something we want to discuss with you.”
Although his aunt and uncle’s faces were pleasant, apprehension stiffened the muscles in Chris’s back, causing him to sit up straight. “What’s on your mind?”
“Tillie and I have both noticed your friendship with Emily has grown lately.” Onkel Hank folded his hands on the table.
“It’s apparent you care deeply for her,” Aenti Tillie said. “And I know the feelings are mutual. I could tell when she visited me earlier this week and asked for my help with the party. She was both excited and nervous about planning this party for you. It meant a lot to her.”
“I care very deeply for her.” A weight lifted from his shoulders when he admitted the truth aloud. His happiness, however, deflated like a balloon when both his aunt and uncle frowned in unison. Something was very wrong.
“While we’re froh you’ve become freinden, we’re also concerned.” Onkel Hank folded his hands on the table.
“Was iss letz?” Chris asked. “Why are you concerned?”
“Christopher,” Aenti Tillie began, “you’re our nephew, and we love you very much, but we’ve also known Emily all her life. We’ve watched her and her schweschdere grow up, and they are all steadfast in their faith.”
Chris swallowed against a swelling lump as dread clamped down on him. Where were they going with this conversation?
“Emily is baptized,” Aenti Tillie said slowly. “Are you?”
Stunned, Chris stilled, shock stealing his words for a moment. This was not where he’d imagined the conversation would steer. “No.”
“I didn’t think you were, because your mamm mentioned you weren’t baptized when I spoke to her a few months ago.” Her tone was gentle but firm. “You do realize Emily is forbidden from having a relationship with you since you aren’t baptized. In fact, she could get into trouble if anyone finds out you and Emily are seeing each other.”
Bile rose in his throat. Of course he was aware it was forbidden for a baptized member to date a nonbaptized member of the church. Emily was probably already baptized since most Amish youth were baptized by the time they turned twenty. Chris had been living in a fantasy world where he believed he could have a relationship with Emily without even considering his status in the church.
He should have known having a relationship with Emily was too good to be true. Why had Chris allowed himself to become so attached to her?
Because she’s beautiful and perfect in every way.
“We’re not officially seeing each other,” Chris said lamely. “I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend.”
“Were you planning to ask her?” Aenti Tillie’s dark eyes challenged him.
“Ya.” Chris ran his hand down his face as his body shook. His life was coming apart at the seams.
“I’ve been concerned all week, but I didn’t know how to approach you about this,” Aenti Tillie continued, seemingly oblivious to his inner turmoil. “I almost said something to Emily on Monday, but I didn’t know what to say. I also didn’t feel it was my place to tell her you’re not baptized.”
“Have you told her?” Onkel Hank asked.
Chris shook his head. “No, I haven’t. It hasn’t come up in our conversations.”
“You need to tell her,” Onkel Hank said gently. “And you have to tell her as soon as possible.”
Chris frowned. “I know.”
“It was apparent tonight that you and Emily have become attached to each other,” Aenti Tillie continued. “I spoke with Mattie earlier, and she’s delighted Emily met you. She told me Emily has always put her sisters’ needs before her own and never made an attempt to date. Now that Emily has become your freind, she seems much happier than ever before. Mattie is elated to see those changes in Emily.” She frowned. “I didn’t feel it was my place to tell her you’re not a member of the church. It’s your business, and you need to be the one to tell Emily. But you need to tell her soon, Christopher. You can’t let this friendship go any further. She has to know the truth.”
Chris swallowed a groan as he placed both hands at the back of his neck. This was going to hurt Emily deeply. Veronica asked him to be careful with Emily’s heart. He squeezed his eyes shut. Veronica would be disappointed with him too. Why had he allowed his friendship with Emily to go this far? Why hadn’t he been smart enough to push her away?
Because I fell in love with her.
“Christopher,” Onkel Hank said. “It’s not the end of the world.”
Chris opened his eyes to his aunt and uncle looking at him with sympathy.
“You realize you can fix this problem easily, right?” Onkel Hank gave him a tentative smile. “You can join the baptism class in the spring in our church district. Join the church and then date Emily. Your aenti and I have plenty of land. We can help you build a haus, and maybe someday you and Emily can make it your home together.”
“No.” Chris shook his head. “I’m not ready for that.”
“What do you mean?” Aenti Tillie tilted her head to the side.
“I’m not ready to join the church,” Chris said. “It’s not the right time.”
“I don’t understand.” Aenti Tillie squinted at him. “Joining the church is a personal and private decision, but I have to ask you why. You live like an Amish man. You haven’t gone out into the world to live like an Englisher. Why don’t you want to join?”
Chris licked his dry lips, considering his answer. Chris’s relationship with his father had been precarious for a long time, and since his father was the bishop, he’d never felt comfortable joining the baptism class in their church district.
Then when Dat told Chris he was responsible for Gabriel’s death, Chris began doubting his relationship with God. And that made Chris wonder, would he have to confess his sins before the church district before the members would allow him to join the church? He couldn’t imagine standing in front of the congregation and detailing all the mistakes he’d made that day that led to Gabriel’s accident. It would be too painful.
Onkel Hank and Aenti Tillie stared at him, their brows wrinkled. Chris didn’t know how to explain his complicated feelings to them.
“I’m not sure when I’ll be ready or if I will ever be ready to join.” Chris spoke softly, then cleared his throat against a dry knot as his trembling fingers pulled at a loose thread at the seam of the tablecloth. “I will tell Emily I’m not baptized, and I’ll tell her we have to stop seeing each other.”
He looked up to see that Aenti Tillie’s eyes had misted, and Chris held his breath, hoping she wouldn’t cry.
“Christopher, I don’t understand why you won’t join the church.” She twisted a paper napkin as she spoke. “Onkel Hank and I are so froh you came to live with us. We’d love to see you make a life here. Emily is a wunderbaar maedel, and you two would be so froh together.”
“I know she’s wunderbaar.” But I’m not good enough for her. Or the church. He only deserved to be alone.
Aenti Tillie’s face darkened. “Does this have something to do with your father?”
Chris felt as though his stomach plummeted. He did not want to discuss this with them.
“It’s late. I think we need to get to bed.” Chris pushed his chair back and stood. “Danki again for everything. I’ll see you in the morning.” He collected his birthday cards and gifts and exited the kitchen. He heard his aunt and uncle speaking in hushed tones as he climbed the stairs to his bedroom.
Chris changed into shorts and a T-shirt and then dropped onto the bed. In the low light of the lantern, he stared at the birthday card from Emily, running his fingers over her neat handwriting.
Cold knots of despair and shame tightened like a rope around his chest. Since he’d arrived in Bird-in-Hand, Emily had weathered his rudeness and his moods just to be his friend. Emily had broken down all the walls he’d built up around his heart, and she coaxed Chris out from behind them with their meaningful talks and her encouraging notes. She’d shown him love when he didn’t deserve it. Now he would repay her kindness with the bitter pill of his honesty, which would shatter her precious heart and her trust.
A dull ache pierced his temples. Why hadn’t he even considered the issue of his baptism? The answer was clear—he’d been too blinded by Emily’s unwavering friendship and acceptance of him that he never took a step back to consider where their relationship might lead or how the rules of their community affected their future.
And now Chris had to find a way to tell Emily the truth. He couldn’t bear to see pain in those beautiful blue eyes when he admitted he wasn’t baptized—and wouldn’t be anytime soon. She didn’t deserve the heartache he was going to cause her.
Chris rested the card on his chest and closed his eyes. He was certain he wouldn’t sleep tonight. All his wonderful memories of time with Emily would torture him, as would imagining what life could have been like if they’d married and started a family.