DESPONDENCY BOGGED CHRIS’S STEPS AS HE REENTERED THE harness shop and slowly walked toward the work area. He was grateful the only other person there was Onkel Hank, and both the customer and Leroy were gone. He sat on his stool and stared down at the wallet he’d been creating before Emily arrived.
Although his eyes were focused on the wallet, his mind was stuck on the torment and betrayal he’d witnessed in Emily’s eyes before she took off running toward her house. He shuddered. How could he hurt her that way? She didn’t deserve it. It would’ve been better if he’d never met her at all. He’d broken her heart. He’d been nothing but a detriment to her and her family.
I’m nothing but a failure.
Chris closed his eyes and sucked in a shuddering breath as agony dug into his shoulders and clamped down on his chest.
“Leroy went to get supplies.” Onkel Hank broke through Chris’s mental tirade. “He won’t be back for a while.”
Chris cleared his throat and took a tremulous breath.
“We sold the last of your wallets and coin purses earlier. That means we have to get busy making more.”
“Oh.” Chris’s voice was shaky.
“Christopher.”
He turned toward his uncle, who was looking at him, sympathy in his brown eyes.
“Talk to me, son.” Onkel Hank placed his tools on the table.
“Emily didn’t take it well.”
Onkel Hank gave him a bleak smile. “I didn’t expect her to take it well. It’s obvious she cares about you. I would even go so far as to say she loves you.”
“I never meant to hurt her.” Guilt soured in Chris’s stomach like curdled milk. “I was just honest with her and explained I can’t be with her. I’m not worthy of her.” He stared at his hands. “I didn’t tell you and Aenti Tillie this last night, but I don’t think I’m worthy of the church either, and that’s why I can’t be baptized. I don’t know where I belong.” He hated the desperation resonating through his distraught tone. He stared down at the unfinished wallet, hoping he could keep his threatening tears at bay.
“I understand how you feel.”
Chris’s gaze flicked up to meet his uncle’s. “What do you mean?”
Onkel Hank touched his long beard as a faraway look overtook his eyes. “I met Tillie when I was nineteen, and I wasn’t yet baptized. She’d been baptized for two years. I was feeling pretty lost and confused until I met her and my life fell into place. I was baptized, and we married a year later.”
Chris let his uncle’s story filter through his mind. It was too easy, too straightforward. “What do you mean, you felt lost?” He touched the piece of leather on the worktable.
Onkel Hank leaned an elbow on the table. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you I have an older bruder who left the Amish church and was shunned.”
“Ya,” Chris said. “Onkel Naaman. He lives in Baltimore and works as a police officer.”
“That’s right.” Onkel Hank’s bushy brown eyebrows rose. “I’m surprised mei schweschder shared that with you.”
“Why wouldn’t she tell me about your bruder?” Chris asked, still tracing his fingertips over the leather.
“I know how strict your dat is, and I assumed he wouldn’t want to discuss someone, especially a family member, who had left the faith.”
“That’s true. I don’t think Dat has ever mentioned his name, but Mamm has.” Chris tilted his head. “What did Onkel Naaman have to do with your confusion?”
“I always looked up to Naaman, so it was a real shock to me when he left the church. Even though my two younger schweschdere had been baptized, I wasn’t certain if I should join the church or follow Naaman to the English world. When I met Tillie, I realized I belonged here with her.” He paused, looking at Chris for a moment. “Do you feel Emily pulling you toward the church?”
Chris shrugged. “I don’t know what I feel. I’m sort of numb.”
“Do you love Emily?”
Although his heart responded with a resounding yes, Chris couldn’t say the word aloud. “I’m not sure.”
Onkel Hank sighed. “You’re confused, and you shouldn’t be baptized if your heart isn’t right with God.”
“I know.” Chris ran his hand down his face as misery took root deep in his gut. He’d come to Bird-in-Hand to start a new life, but now he was just as tormented as he had been back home in Sugarcreek.
“That doesn’t mean I think you should give up on the community, Emily, or yourself. You’re still young, Chris. You still have time to be baptized.”
His uncle’s encouraging words did little to stop the pain twisting in Chris’s gut.
The door to the harness shop opened, and Leroy’s voice sounded from the front of the shop. “How about you two get off your behinds and help me unload this truck?”
Onkel Hank chuckled. “We’d better go help him.”
“All right.” Chris stood, and Onkel Hank patted his shoulder.
“It will all work out, son. And you’re always welcome here with us. You can stay as long as you like, even if you decide not to join the church.”
Chris followed his uncle out to the driveway, still agonizing over what his future would bring and where he belonged.
“HOW ARE YOU FEELING?”
Emily peeked up from the quilting magazine she’d been thumbing through. Rachel was clad in a white nightgown, her thick, dark hair hanging loose to her waist as she stood in the doorway. Her pretty face and dark eyes were tense with concern.
“I’m all right.” That was a bald-faced lie, but she didn’t want to add to the anxiety already stiffening Rachel’s shoulders. Emily had spent the day trying to come to terms with her loss, but her chest and head still ached with the reality of Chris’s painful words. After dinner she’d taken a shower and then headed to her room, where she’d looked through magazines by the light of her lantern and a pumpkin spice–scented candle.
Rachel pointed at Emily’s bed. “May I join you?”
“Ya.” Emily patted the quilt beside her.
Rachel climbed in next to her, and they both snuggled down and stared at the dark ceiling. The shadow from the candle flame danced there, and the scent of pumpkin sweetened the air, mocking Emily’s grim mood. Memories of staying up late while talking to her sisters engulfed Emily, and the reality of Rachel’s wedding punched her in the gut.
“I can’t believe you’re moving out soon.” Emily’s words were thick with the grief flourishing inside of her.
Rachel turned toward her with a sad smile. “Ya, that’s true. It’s coming fast.”
“Too fast.” Tears stung Emily’s eyes, and she tried in vain to swallow them. She’d lost her first love and now her second sister was going to move out. It was too much for her to process at once.
“I won’t be far away.” Rachel touched Emily’s arm. “I promise we’ll visit all the time.” She grinned. “You’re a better cook and seamstress, and I’ll need your help all the time.”
Emily gave her a watery smile. “You know I’ll always help you.”
“I’m going to miss seeing you every day.”
“Nah.” Emily shook her head. “You won’t. You’ll have Mike and John to keep you busy, and I imagine you’ll have more family members soon.”
“I hope so.”
“You will.” Emily squeezed Rachel’s hand.
They stared at the ceiling in an amiable silence for a few moments. Despite Emily’s efforts to keep her thoughts focused on her sisters, her mind betrayed her, and she recalled the feel of Chris’s warm lips as they brushed her cheek last night. Why had she allowed him to get so close and then steal her heart?
“I think he loves you,” Rachel said as if sensing her thoughts.
“What?” Emily rolled to her side and looked at Rachel. “Why?”
“It was so obvious at the party last night. I could tell by the way he smiled at you and the pure adoration in his eyes when he opened the tool set you gave him. It was written all over his face.”
Emily should have been thrilled by her sister’s words, but instead they seemed to drive the knife deeper into her soul. She flopped onto her back and looked up at the ceiling.
“Em? I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s not that.” Emily rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “I just don’t know what to do. Really, there’s nothing I can do. If he doesn’t join the church, we can’t be together. I thought I found the man I would marry. Now I’m worse off than before I met him because all he’s given me is a broken heart coupled with broken dreams. I never imagined this would happen.”
“I’m sorry, Em.”
Rachel was silent for a few moments as the shadow of the candle’s flame sputtered across the ceiling.
“What do you think Mammi would say about this situation?” Rachel asked.
Emily turned toward her again. “I don’t know. What do you think?”
Memories of Mammi rushed over Emily. She recalled sitting at her grandmother’s kitchen table with her sisters, eating grilled cheese, drinking chocolate milk, and talking. She could almost smell the aroma of her grandmother’s house now—vanilla infused with freshly baked bread . . . and happiness.
More tears threatened Emily’s eyes. Life was so simple when she was a little girl. She didn’t have to contend with the pain of broken relationships and confusing feelings.
“Well, I think Mammi would tell you to pray for Chris,” Rachel said. “She’d say only God can heal Chris’s heart and help him see he not only needs the community, but he belongs in the community. If we pray, maybe Chris will realize he’s already a part of the community even though he doesn’t see it yet.”
A tear traced Emily’s cheek as she looked at Rachel. “You’re right. Danki.”
“Gern gschehne.” Rachel squeezed her hand, and Emily silently thanked God once again for her sisters.
CHRIS LEANED HIS ELBOW ON THE ARM OF THE CHAIR AND stared out across his uncle’s pasture as he sat on the porch Sunday afternoon. He slumped back, breathed in the brisk fall air, and then yawned. He hadn’t slept much at all last night, but it wasn’t nightmares about his brother that had kept him awake. Instead, it was the haunting memory of the pain in Emily’s eyes. An icy shudder moved up his spine as he recalled their conversation yesterday morning. He hated that he’d hurt her so badly, but he couldn’t accept her insistence that he belonged in this community. She had to be wrong. She just had to.
Instead of facing her at church this morning, he’d told his aunt and uncle he wasn’t feeling well, and he stayed in his room all day, flipping through books and trying to nap.
You’re a coward, Christopher Hochstetler.
He scowled and ran his hands down his face. As usual, his gruff inner voice was right. He was a coward, but running away was the only way he knew to deal with his heartache.
Chris rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as confusion clouded his thoughts. His heart told him to listen to Emily and talk to her bishop about joining the spring baptism class. His head, however, told him to stay away from Emily and allow a more deserving man to ask for her hand in marriage and build a life with her.
Which answer was the right one? Where did he belong?
An ache started behind his eyes, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. He was a mess. He was no closer to figuring out his life than when he’d first arrived in Bird-in-Hand.
Chris heaved a deep sigh that seemed to bubble up from his toes. He had just looked out toward the pasture again when the phone rang in the shanty. He frowned. The phone continued to ring, and he stared at the shanty for a few moments longer.
Finally, inquisitiveness shoved him out of the chair and pushed him down the porch steps. Once in the shanty, he picked up the phone’s receiver and held it to his ear. “Hello?”
“Christopher? Is that you?”
“Ya, ya.” Chris dropped onto the bench. “Mamm. How are you?”
“I was hoping to reach you.” Her voice wobbled. “I was afraid you were at church or visiting.”
“No.” Chris shook his head as if she could see his face. “I stayed home today, but Aenti Tillie and Onkel Hank went.”
“Oh.” She paused. “Are you ill?”
“No.” He needed to change the subject. “Is everything all right?”
“No.” Her voice was thick. “Paul had a fire at his haus last night.”
“What?” Horrific images slashed through him. “Is he all right? How are Rosanna and the maed?”
“They’re all fine. Praise God. I can’t imagine losing them after . . .”
Chris swallowed hard, following her train of thought. He shoved a shaky hand through his hair.
“Rosanna had a pot on the stove when she heard Mamie scream and rushed to see what was wrong. It turned out the girls had gotten into some markers and Betsy was chewing on one. She had green marker all over herself, head to toe.” Mamm clicked her tongue. “Rosanna was cleaning her up in the bathroom when she remembered the pot. Back in the kitchen she found flames already spreading to the curtains above the sink. She thinks she dropped a potholder too close to the burner when Mamie’s scream scared her.”
“Ach, no!” Chris gasped.
“She got the kinner out and screamed for Paul. He ran out of the barn and called nine-one-one. Thankfully, no one was hurt, but the haus is a mess. They’re going to stay with us for a while. The men in the community are going to start helping with the haus tomorrow. They have to replace two exterior walls in the kitchen, along with the appliances and cabinets. There’s also quite a bit of cleanup, and repainting is needed because of smoke damage.”
“It sounds like a lot of work.” An image of his brother’s large, white clapboard house filled his mind. The two-story home included five bedrooms, a spacious kitchen, and a large family room, evidence of the success his brother enjoyed from his growing horse business. He imagined smoke pouring from the kitchen at the back of the house.
What a nightmare for Paul and Rosanna, and their little girls must have been terrified. Sadness slid over him as he imagined his nieces sobbing in their parents’ arms as the firefighters put out the blaze.
“While the men work, the women are going to have to wash all the linens and clothing,” Mamm continued. “It may take some time, but your dat and Paul think they should be back in the haus by Christmas. It could’ve been much, much worse. Thank God they are safe and the damage is minor.”
“I’m so relieved to hear that.”
“I wanted to call you last night, but it was so late. I thought you might have been in bed already, and I didn’t feel right leaving you a message and running the risk of worrying you. I thought it would be better if I talked to you so I could explain that Paul, Rosanna, and the girls are okay.”
“Danki. You called at a gut time. I was just sitting on the porch when I heard the phone ring.”
“Is everything okay, Christopher?”
“Ya,” he said, a little too quickly.
She was silent for a few moments, and he imagined her winding the phone cord around her finger while contemplating what to say to get him to open up to her.
“Why did you stay home from the church service?”
The question was simple, but the answer was too painful for him to share. “I just felt like being alone today.”
“Is everything all right with your freind Emily?”
Chris cringed, wondering if Mamm could read his emotions over the phone. “Ya, Mamm,” he fibbed. “Everything is fine.”
“Oh, gut.”
They were both silent for a few moments, and an ache radiated through his rib cage. He missed his family.
“I’ll let you go, Christopher. I just wanted to tell you about the fire and let you know everyone is okay.”
“I’m glad you called.” The words sprang from his lips.
“It’s always so gut to talk to you. I’ll call you soon. Give my love to Hank and Tillie.”
“I will. Good-bye.” Chris hung up the phone and then leaned back in the chair, resting his head against the wall of the shanty. He closed his eyes and visualized the men in the community working on Paul’s large farmhouse.
And then he recalled Paul standing in the hallway outside their bedrooms the night of his wedding. “You know, Chris, we may argue sometimes, but we’re still bruders. I’ll miss you.”
The urge to help rebuild Paul’s house clamped down on his shoulders, digging into his muscles like a hundred sharp knives.
I need to go home and help. I need to be there for mei bruder.
The notion caught Chris off guard. He tried to push it away, but the idea remained, echoing through his mind. Yes, he did need to help Paul, because if the situation were reversed, Paul would help him.
Was that why Mamm called? Did she expect him to come home and help?
Or is Mamm hoping this event might be the catalyst to bring me home?
Chris stood and exited the shanty, and his gaze moved to the Fisher family’s house. A vise clamped over Chris’s stomach and twisted. He needed to go home as soon as possible.
Was this the sign Chris needed to find the strength to walk away from Emily and give her the chance to find a man who deserved her love? Emily didn’t need Chris, but his family back in Ohio did.
But if that was true, why did the idea of leaving Emily cut him to his core?