CHAPTER 4

BACK ON THE BEAM

“Sofia, glad you’re back,” Coach Jackson said a few days later. She glanced up from her clipboard as the other gymnasts crowded around.

Sofia stood next to Rana, who was wearing her new leotard, which was loose, with long arms and legs, and a matching hijab.

“You look so pretty,” Sofia whispered to her. Rana rolled her eyes. Sofia could tell she hated having to wear it. But her parents wouldn’t let her compete in a regular one.

“All recovered?” the coach asked briskly. She glanced at Sofia’s doctor’s note.

“Yep!” Sofia said, forcing a perkiness she didn’t feel. “Dr. Berman says I’m all clear.”

Physically, at least, Sofia thought to herself. She wasn’t so sure about mentally. The nightmares had been particularly bad last evening. This morning at breakfast, Tia had asked why she looked so pale.

I can’t avoid the gym forever, Sofia told herself. Once I get back on the beam, I’ll be fine. I have to be strong.

“Well, good. We’ve got the meet with Forest Hills on Saturday,” her coach reminded her. “I need you in top form.”

Sofia’s stomach dropped to her feet. She had forgotten all about the Forest Hills meet—probably because it was no big deal. Or at least, it used to be no big deal.

She nodded and tried to avoid looking at the beam in the corner of the gym. It was like a monster waiting to swallow her. Nausea rose up in her belly. She imagined her head hitting the wood.

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine, Sofia said over and over, trying to convince herself.

“Once you’re warmed up, get on the uneven bars and let’s see a little workout, OK?” Coach said. Without waiting for an answer, she strode off to where some of the younger girls were trying handstands.

Sofia picked a spot on the mat and got to work. She tried to ignore the stiffness in her shoulders and hamstrings when she stretched.

I just need a little workout to loosen me up, she told herself. She went through the warmup, then jogged toward the uneven bars.

Coach Jackson looked up. “Go ahead!” she called.

Sofia nodded and took a deep breath. The bars looked so high. They’d never looked that way before.

Stop being weird, Sofia scolded herself. She dipped her hands in the chalk near the bars. Then she took her spot in front of the lower bar and jumped up to grab it.

But the moment Sofia’s hands hit the bar, something felt wrong. She wobbled, hoisting herself up, her arms shaking with the effort.

What if I fall? Sofia thought in a sudden panic.

It was a thought she’d never had before—not once in six years of training. She let go of the bar and let herself fall back to the mat.

“What’s wrong, Sofia?” Coach called. “Head feeling OK? You’re not dizzy, are you?”

“I’m OK!” Sofia called back.

She hoped the anxiety in her voice wasn’t obvious. She remembered what Coach Jackson had said to one of the other gymnasts when she’d been scared to try a front-handspring entry on the vault: “There’s no room for fear. You have the skills. Now you have to let your body take over. If you’re afraid, you’re not cut out for gymnastics.”

Sofia swallowed back the sour bile that had risen in her throat at the memory.

“Well, listen, get on the beam, OK?” Coach called. “Rana’s done.”

Sofia nodded, not trusting her voice. She turned to face the beam, standing alone on the blue mat. It had always been her friend. But now her hands shook just looking at it.

I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t, Sofia thought in a sudden panic.

For a moment it was as if her body really couldn’t move. But then she was hoisting herself onto the beam. She was up, balancing.

“Let’s go through the routine from before you fell!” Coach Jackson called. “This is going to be your opening event at the Forest Hills meet. Ready?”

Sofia’s chest was so tight, her heart seemed to be trying to hammer its way out of the tight bands around her ribs. Her breath was coming in little choking gasps as she stared down at the four-inch-wide beam in front of her feet.

She couldn’t do this. But she couldn’t get Coach Jackson’s words out of her head: “If you’re afraid, you’re not cut out for gymnastics.”