CHAPTER 5
“GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!”
“Go, Sofia!”
Rana’s voice cut through the fog in Sofia’s head. She looked over at her friend, her purple hijab framing her face. She held on to the encouragement in Rana’s eyes and forced her body to move backward into the first backflip.
But in an instant, she could tell she was going to fall. There was nothing she could do.
Sofia felt her foot slide down off the beam. A moment later, she smacked down, banging her pelvis on the beam.
She found herself straddling the beam, her hips aching and one fingernail bleeding where she’d ripped it trying to grab on.
Sofia leaned over, trying to catch her breath. A moment later, Coach Jackson’s face swam into view, her brow creased.
“Up you go!” she said, thrusting her hand out.
Sofia took it shakily, climbing to her feet. There’s no room for fear, she told herself. If you’re afraid, you’re not cut out for gymnastics.
“All right, back on the stick!” the coach said, pulling her hand away long before Sofia was ready to let go. “Come on! Get out of your head!”
It was something Coach said a lot when the girls were psyching themselves out over a hard move. It meant not overthinking things, letting your muscle memory take over.
Sofia was an expert at just shutting out the world and turning off her mind. The trouble was, now it felt like the spigot was broken. She couldn’t seem to find that “off” handle in her mind. She couldn’t stop thinking.
“You’re OK, Sofia!” Rana called. A few other gymnasts chimed in.
Sofia cringed. She had an audience now. There was no choice. She braced herself on the beam, all her muscles tense.
I can’t, I can’t do it, I can’t, I’m going to fall, I can’t, her mind chanted. The beam looked about an inch wide. The floor on either side dropped away as if she were fifty feet up instead of four.
“I-I’m going to throw up,” Sofia choked out. “I think I ate something bad.” She scrambled off the beam, stumbling awkwardly to the mat.
As she ran for the locker room, she saw her teammates’ shocked faces. But worse than that, she caught a glimpse of Coach Jackson, her lips pressed together, shaking her head.
* * *
That night, the nightmare came again. “Go!” Coach Jackson shouted.
Like always, Sofia’s body whirled off the beam. The fear filled her. She clawed at the air as she pinwheeled, her head aiming for the beam.
Sofia woke up gasping, her cheeks wet with tears. She lay back in bed, her heart hammering, and stared up at the ceiling above.
What is happening to me? she thought desperately.
She’d broken fingers in a floor routine. She’d sprained her ankle at least three times on vault and on the uneven bars dismount. She’d barely thought about those injuries, except to be annoyed at how long she was out of training.
But now she couldn’t stop reliving that awful moment when everything went so out of control. All she could think about was falling, knowing the worst was about to happen.
Sofia threw back the covers, suddenly coated in sweat. The Forest Hills meet was the day after tomorrow. One thought kept running through her mind: How am I going to win when I can’t even get on the beam?