Natasha woke with a headache and sore throat. Her pillow was wet from her tears. Memories of her fight with Stewart filled her mind. The pain in her heart intensified. Never, in all their years together, did she ever think Stewart would get hurt. He was to move on, leaving her with a broken heart. That was her plan from the beginning. They had never discussed marriage or a future together. Then her mind drifted to the experience they shared. She would cherish that on her death bed.
She crawled off her bed, lit her oil lamp, retrieved her diary, and began to write:
Dear Diary,
We shared an incredible experience….
After sharing her emotions with her diary, an image of Stewart filled her mind. She needed to speak with him. She owed him an explanation. An apology.
She stepped in front of her mirror and gazed at her reflection. She barely recognized the person staring back at her. An exhausted young woman with rumpled hair and puffy red eyes.
Natasha ran her fingers through her hair and splashed some water on her face. She lit a travel lantern and left the room, locking the door behind her. The main door to the men’s residence was open. It took three rounds of tapping on his dormitory room door before she got any response.
“Wha-a-t?” It was a gruff and angry voice.
“Stewart.” Nothing. No response. “Stewart, please,” she begged. “Allow me the opportunity to explain.”
“Go away.”
“Please,” she cried, “I beg of you.”
“Not now,” he pleaded. “Go away. Leave me alone.”
“Stewart,” she begged in a slightly louder voice. “Please.”
Within seconds, the lock clicked. The door slowly swung open. Stewart had returned to his chair, sitting with his head down, still holding the ring in his hand. Shutting the door behind her, Natasha glanced around the room. The bed was still made. Stewart hadn’t attempted to get any rest. She sat on the bed beside his chair and looked at his red, bloodshot eyes. Her heart broke. Tears ran down her cheeks.
There was nothing in the world she wanted more than to have his arms around her. To be held. But she could never allow that to happen again. She wasn’t certain they could part friends. They needed to speak, but no one could see her and Stewart alone together.
“Have you seen your roommate?”
“Nay. He’s not due for another day,” he responded without looking her way.
Perfect. We can talk. “Will you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? I will never forgive myself for causing you such grief.”
Stewart glanced at her. He never uttered a word. He turned his attention back to the ring.
Please, God. Help me find the words to console him. “There is much to say.”
He scowled at her, and those blue eyes she loved were an ice-cold colour.
“Why did you not speak of this earlier? We have been friendly for more than six years. You encouraged me to kiss you, to lie with you.” His voice became angrier. “In my position, I don’t have the right….” He stopped himself. “I have been a blind fool, to something so obvious. I’m no longer surprised you wouldn’t allow me the opportunity to meet your family. But I wonder why you allowed my family the opportunity to make your acquaintance. You played me for a fool, and I fell in love with you. With a proper introduction the day at the river, I would have bowed and walked away, questioning only why you had ventured onto Poppa’s property.”
He stopped. She waited for Stewart to continue.
“You were raised by … Nanny. My poppa makes a modest income, but my family could not afford … your family financed two sons and a daughter at university, yet you do not share a room with another. My parents have saved since I was but a young child to allow me the privilege of attending university. There is not a family in this area that can afford the lifestyle you enjoy.” He placed his hands on top of his head. “A university degree, and I’m blind to the obvious.” He took a deep breath.
The pain in her heart, and the guilt, was unbearable. She fought the temptation to run from the university and never return. She couldn’t. Stewart had to understand why she deceived him. Natasha struggled to breathe. She must hear him out. She owed him that.
“Shortly after becoming acquainted, you hesitated as I offered my hand to assist you to your feet. I assumed you were shy, and reserved, but I did not possess the….” He glared at her. She had never seen him as livid. “Damn it. Royalty?” he hissed. “Lacking the bloodline, I don’t possess an adequate breeding to speak, let alone…. You must believe me to be a fool to deceive me so. A princess?” he snarled. “I believe I’m to wait until I have been excused by members of royalty, and I beg your forgiveness, but….”
Stewart stood, bowed, and walked toward the door. The gesture infuriated her.
“That’s why I deceived you,” she cried in anger. Her voice cracked.
Stewart stopped and stared at the floor. Natasha put her hands over her mouth, settled her voice, and took a deep breath.
“Stewart, please forgive me,” she begged, keeping her hands folded on her lap. “It’s not my place to raise my voice. You are angry, and hurt, and confused, but please, do not despise me.”
“I don’t. I can’t,” he admitted. “It would be impossible for me to love you more, but I cannot disguise my distress. I don’t understand why you intentionally deceived me.”
She closed her eyes and tried to breathe through her clogged nose.
“Tell me truthfully. If I had been honest the day we made our acquaintance, would you have kissed me? Would you have agreed to lie with me last night?”
“Of course not.” Stewart scowled.
Natasha shuddered as the thought of the last six years without him.
“Would you have befriended me?”
Staring at the floor, he shook his head. “No, I would not,” he admitted. He walked back to the chair and sat. Moving from the bed, she knelt in front of him. The second she looked into his eyes, he placed the ring on the table beside his bed, and stared at the floor, avoiding eye contact.
“Look at me.”
He shifted his head away from her.
“Stewart, please.”
Natasha reached up and placed her hands on his cheeks, forcing him to focus on her face. Tears streamed down his cheeks. It would be impossible for Stewart to endure more anguish. With a deep breath, she prayed for the words to console him.
“The day we met is vivid in my mind. I turned to avoid making an acquaintance, but you spoke your name. My intent to be polite was forgone once I looked into your eyes. You are a handsome man, and I found myself nervous. If beyond your shell you had lacked substance, I would have been polite and made haste. But when I joined you at the river, I met an amazing man. I found myself mesmerized by your personality, your intelligence, and your blunt wit. I laughed, something I do not recall doing since I was a young child, playing with my brothers. I discovered I could converse with you. I craved that companionship. I could forget about my life and attempt to be normal.”
She turned her head and wiped her cheeks. Stewart didn’t attempt to hide his own tears. Exhausted, she allowed her bottom to rest on her heels. She put her hands on her thighs. Stewart’s hands never moved from his lap.
“I was seeking a friend, but found my soulmate. You became my best friend. My only friend. I knew my feelings were growing the day I made an acquaintance with your sister, but I didn’t believe you felt the same way. My heart was yearning for my first kiss, yet I believed you only saw a study partner when you looked at me.”
“Nay, that would be impossible.”
There was no longer any anger in his tone. He moved to wipe the wet streaks from her cheeks, but when his hands were inches from her face, he pulled back. Pain streaked through her chest. She drew a shuddering breath.
“I made a grave error, allowing you to kiss me. I know I should be overcome with regret for that decision, but my heart is not. I yearned to experience having your lips touch mine, and I felt more than I dreamed possible.” Natasha stopped, hoping Stewart would speak, but he remained silent. “I’m expected to present myself in a reserved manner, yet I found myself discussing very private matters in your company. Over the years, I have divulged far more than is appropriate regarding my family, and the lack of love I received. I did not know how it felt to be loved, the true meaning of affection. I enjoyed having your arms around me, and cherished the affection you showed me. When you told me you loved me, I looked into your eyes, certain you were sincere. Please forgive me,” she begged. “I enjoyed lying with you, and will cherish that experience with my last breath.” Emotion overcame her, and her voice began to crack. She broke down. Her body heaved with silent sobs. She fought for and regained her composure.
“You informed me you were falling in love, and I was selfish, desperately wanting to be loved. I have been stupid, and naive, and blind to your emotions. I never suspected a proposal of marriage. You must know in your heart, Stewart, there is nothing in this world I want more than to be your wife. To bear your children. To grow old with you by my side. But that is an impossible dream. I’m so sorry. Please, I beg of you, you must believe I never meant for you to get hurt. I have always known my heart would be shattered, but….”
His face had softened. It was pleasing to see his eyes were no longer icy. He was listening.
“I have deceived you, and for that I apologize, but I don’t recall an appropriate time to confess the truth. The day we made our acquaintance at the river you were very polite, but would have turned and walked away the moment I formally introduced myself. I recall, as if it were yesterday, conversing with Vicki. You made a condescending reference regarding my family.”
Stewart scowled. He didn’t remember the conversation she was referring to.
“I’ll never forget your condescending tone or words. Allow me the opportunity to refresh your memory. ‘It’s not as if the royal family would ever lower itself and converse with us mere commoners.’ It was impossible for me to confess the truth. I fought back tears. The pain in my heart that day was overwhelming.”
“Good God,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “You became quiet. Instead of encouraging you to speak, I allowed you to walk away. Foolish. What was I thinking?”
“My memory of the day ends with the pleasure of your lips against my cheek.”
He looked at her once again.
“I should have been appalled, never returning to the river. Instead, the moment I found myself alone, and without allowing myself to express it, my emotions exploded with joy. I also recall our first kiss. Once I experienced that sensation, I encouraged you to continue although I knew it was not proper protocol. I will never forget that slow, gentle kiss.” Natasha closed her eyes and smiled. “The moment your lips touched mine, my entire body tingled. You opened your mouth. That kiss. That passionate kiss. I was certain my skin would not contain my pounding heart.”
A cramp developed in her foot. She opened her eyes and adjusted her position. It didn’t help. Her foot had fallen asleep. The sensation of pins and needles crept up her calf. She ignored the discomfort and softened her tone to just above a whisper.
“I became acquainted with your momma and poppa. I witnessed, and felt the love in their home. I was—” she stopped to correct herself, “—I am envious. After witnessing a tender kiss they shared, I yearned for a deeper connection to you, and your family. We rode back to the university yesterday, and I spent the time thinking. I knew it would be my only chance to lie with you without being seen. Once I graduate, I must return to my home. I’ll never see you again. Naïve, I thought I could lie with you, feel the intimacy of your body next to mine, and be content.” She blinked, looking up at the ceiling. “I put personal pleasure before common decency. You must think me a common prostitute.”
“Never.”
“I will never cease to love you, Stewart Donovan. Nor will I forget the evening we shared. With my last breath, I shall close my eyes and remember your body inside mine. I cringe knowing another man will touch me in such a way, but no other will enter my heart. I will never feel passion with another.”
Emotionally drained, exhausted, and with her feet and calves numb from squatting, Natasha collapsed on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest, crossed her arms around her legs, and buried her head as she wiggled her toes. Finally, she looked at him. “I will regret the pain I’ve caused you until the day I die, but I will never regret falling in love with you. I will spend eternity cherishing every moment we shared.”
“May I speak?”
It hurt to hear him ask, as if they were strangers.
“Stewart, please. Don’t treat me differently.”
“Forgive my ignorance.” He kept his voice lowered. “But, is Natasha your real name, or…?”
She sat up, brought the skirt of her dress over her legs and brought her knees to her chest. She placed her hands around her knees.
“Indeed, my name is Natasha. I have twin brothers, Marcus and Joshua. I deceived you about my surname only. The day I made your acquaintance, I informed you of my given name without thinking. Once I realized what I had done, my mind raced for a fictitious surname. With my studies of literature, William Shakespeare’s name came into my mind. My brothers would never have questioned the surname Shakespeare, but I couldn’t take the chance that you might. I decided to adopt his wife’s name as my own.”
Stewart groaned, turning his head and staring at the ceiling.
“Anne Hathaway,” he acknowledged, turning his attention back to her. “Love is blind, and deaf, and I’m such a fool. Were you ever planning to confess the truth?”
“Honestly?” Natasha closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and reopened her eyes. “No,” she admitted. “During your first year at university, I was certain you would fall in love with a student at school. Every Friday I waited with mixed emotions. I must confess, you walked toward me, and I was overjoyed knowing we could converse, and kiss, one last time. You were missed, much missed. I prayed you would inform me you had fallen in love, and we should never see each other again. My heart would crumble apart, but I would be happy for you.”
“That would be impossible. Knowing you as I thought I did, how could I ever look at another woman?”
“I was naïve to suggest you apply to Picton, and then stupid to beg for permission to attend. During my first year I discovered you were devoted to me. You focused every moment of your time to your studies, and returned to be by my side.” Natasha turned her head. The light caught the diamond Stewart had proposed with.
“You’re so intelligent I never believed your focus could be diverted from your studies. You have two more years of university, Stewart,” she said, as if he needed reminding. “Two difficult years. For the life of me, I never assumed you were contemplating an offer of marriage. You were supposed to return for your master’s, fall in love with the woman that would carry your children, and I would become a faded memory.”
Stewart pushed himself off the chair and knelt down in front of her. He pulled back from her. That hurt. Her status. Her bloody status as a princess was infringing on their friendship. She sobbed. A few hours earlier they were lying together, and now, Stewart refused to touch her. With trembling hands, she reached out and touched his arms.
“Please Stewart, forget my title,” she begged. “I’m losing my only friend, my….” Grief and guilt consumed her. Why did Stewart have to learn the truth? To be hurt? “I deserve this pain, but you do not.” She slid her hands down his arms until her fingers were resting on the back of his hands. He turned his palms up, and held her hands.
“We’re both grieving,” he whispered. “You have a claim on my affection no other could possibly profess. I couldn’t bid you farewell. I love you so much, it would be impossible to love you more.”
Natasha lowered her gaze unable to respond.
“Do you no longer love me?”
She raised her head and looked at him.
“My personal feelings remain unaltered. But I would rather have my heart broken a million times than to see you suffer further. I am certain I fell in love with you the day we met. You looked into my eyes and spoke with me. My heart yearned to see you again. My life has been dictated to me. You’re fortunate to have the luxury of choosing a bride, and raising a family with a woman you love. I will equip myself with fortitude, and resignation, and accept my future life with a man the king deems acceptable, and bear….” She could not continue.
“Tell me what to do,” he pleaded. “To remain in your life. To take you as my wife.”
Natasha shook her head. “That’s not possible. Open your eyes to the opportunities before you. Fall in love, and forget I ever existed.”
“I won’t do that,” he spoke with conviction. “I cannot do that.”
“You must, Stewart,” she demanded, taking a tighter grip of his hands. “You’re an intelligent, passionate man. You must allow another to enter your heart.”
“No. I won’t,” he vowed. “I think of you when we aren’t together. I cannot be near you and ignore you. Think of what you’re asking of me. Every man in this school will approach you if they believe we’re no longer friends.”
Natasha closed her eyes. In her mind, all she could see was Stewart holding another woman in his arms. Kissing another woman. She put her hands over her closed eyes and shook her head in an attempt to block the image. “I beg of you, remain my friend until graduation. Once we leave these buildings, I will not return to the river. You’ll never see me again.”
“Are you capable of living contently without me?” he asked, visibly upset.
“No,” she whispered. “I didn’t ask for my place in society, Stewart. I would give my life for the privilege of wearing your ring. I would be the happiest woman in the world if I were able to accept your proposal.”
Stewart leaned forward, placed his hands on her cheeks, and kissed tenderly on her lips. Refusing to yield to temptation, Natasha pulled back from his touch, determined to stay firm to her conviction. It was imperative Stewart walk out of her life forever.
“You’re not making this easy,” she cried. “My heart yearns to swim in the river, join you for long walks, converse with you and your family, and lie with you. To bear your children, carry them inside my womb.” She laid her hands on her stomach. “Beautiful, blue-eyed children that resemble their poppa. I have contemplated this for six years, Stewart. If it were possible to make this dream reality, I would become your wife before this day was through.”
Stewart stood, reached for her hands, and helped her to her feet. Exhaustion had set in. She wobbled, struggling to remain upright.
“We will remain together,” he informed her in a determined voice, “I’ll become acquainted with your father and convince him I’m a worthy suitor. He will give his blessing.”
“Unless you have a royal bloodline….” Stopping herself, she shook her head.
He released her hand, placing a forefinger under her chin. He tilted her head up.
“I will never give in. A life without love is no life at all.”
“Stewart, you must. Father has power, connections, and resources. He would be infuriated with the knowledge I have not dedicated all my time and energy to my studies. Enjoy your break and return here to university. Open your eyes and your heart to—”
“No,” he growled angrily. “Fight for us. I plan to marry you.”
She had never heard such intensity in his voice. Stewart’s determination was gaining momentum. Exhausted, Natasha couldn’t think straight.
“Stewart, please. Father doesn’t quit. Nothing will stop him. It doesn’t concern him if people are hurt. I cannot bear to see you suffer.”
“You’ve admitted your feelings. Be brave and fight for the love we share. After lying with you, I will never love another woman. I cannot bear the thought of losing you. I would sacrifice my life before allowing you walk into the arms of a man you don’t love.”
“Stewart, you must stop and think of the consequences. If Father doesn’t approve of a marriage he will force me to return to the castle. I will never see your face or speak with you again.”
“I won’t allow that to happen.”
Natasha sat on his bed and buried her head in her hands. The bed shifted. She opened her eyes. Stewart was sitting beside her.
“You don’t understand the power he possesses. If I don’t return home, out of stubborn pride he will search for me. Nothing will stop him. I fear you could lose your life assisting me. Heaven knows it’s possible your family could also be in danger. I beg of you, turn your back and forget I exist.”
“Don’t be pessimistic, Natasha. It’s possible your father will be pleased you have found happiness.”
“It’s impossible for you to understand my family. My happiness doesn’t concern my father.”
“Your happiness is my utmost concern. You’re not leaving my side. My heart would never stop grieving if you weren’t in my life.”
Natasha took a deep breath and sighed. Frustrated, he wasn’t listening to her. He wasn’t thinking as he should.
“I deceived you and caused you pain yet you still insist on supporting me,” she mumbled. A single tear fell down her cheek. “You should be running from me.” She rubbed her fingers over her cheek and into her hair. She grasped a handful, trying to think. “If you promise not to come after me, I’ll walk out, walk away from this school this minute, and never look back. I won’t graduate. You’ll never see my face again. Release me from your heart,” she begged in a barely audible voice, never more tired in her life.
“No.” He put his arm around her shoulder.
She closed her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder. “You’re so stubborn. You’re a fool. You should be running. You should throw me out of this building and onto the street.”
“Shh,” he whispered. He kissed her forehead. “You’re exhausted, and you’re not persuading me to leave you. You will graduate with your degree,” he said firmly. “You will remain in my life, and in my heart. Although you haven’t accepted my ring, you will accept my proposal of marriage. God willing, we will be happy as we raise our family. I’m in love with you, Princess Natasha.”
Natasha cringed. Nothing could sound worse. “Promise me something.”
“If it involves remaining in your life, I’ll do anything for you.”
“Don’t address me so formally. I despise that title and everything it represents.”
“You have my word,” he assured her.
“Why did I return to the river?” she asked. She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Why did I make your acquaintance?”
“For my unconditional love. The emotional bond we share will never fade, Natasha. It’s worth the fight.”
Stewart leaned forward. Although Natasha should pull away, she allowed him to kiss her.
“Lord help us,” she whispered. “Please help us.”
She let Stewart pull her down onto the bed with him. Her last thoughts were a desperate yearning to stay like this forever. To stay in the comfort of his arms.