I don’t want to gild the lily here because we all know birth nips a bit, and equally adjusting to those first few weeks takes some serious boobs/balls. But batten down the hatches and you might make it through with only a mid-level eye twitch with all relationships vaguely intact.
1 Don’t do anything. It sounds simple, almost relaxing. But your instinct is to join the world and show people you are on this, that you have not changed. You have changed. Your fanny and stomach have changed, your sleep has changed and you’ve made a human. That’s some big shit right there. Let all that sink in and ask friends and family to make that quinoa beetroot cake you feel might make everything okay.
2 Stack up the snacks. The most annoying thing for everyone involved is those moments of ‘darling, could you just pass me … [insert ‘my phone/ biscuit/essential life item’]. Find a table and treat it like your pencil case at the start of a new school term, when you made sure you had all the right stuff. This is no different, stack that snack station up and get all the reading material you need. Feeding babies is really boring; if you can master the feeding/scrolling Instagram set-up, you are winning.
3 Tell mates if you are not okay. There’s nothing more uniting than adversity. I don’t like to see my mates in a pickle, but I love to have the opportunity of showing the love. That love can come in a hug, home-made shepherd’s pie or just a grotty Tinder story from ‘the other world’. Just because you have a mate who doesn’t have kids, doesn’t mean she won’t get it.
4 Let everyone do everything. Again sounds simple, almost relaxing. But the sooner you can let go of trying to do everything perfectly your way, the sooner you’ll understand this whole keeping-humans-alive thing is a massive group task. If you have a mate who will hold the baby when you need a wee, then you are golden.
Those first weeks of being a family can be challenging, especially the first time around. This is when dads need to step up and earn their keep.
My role during those first weeks when I was on paternity leave was a combination of chef, PA, security and logistics manager – all rolled into one. I made sure that everything ran smoothly while minimising the amount of ‘stuff’ that could cause my other half to get stressed out (and, as you well know, a calm relaxed woman equals a calm relaxed house and an easier life for you!) Here’s some tips on things to stay on top of:
• Cleaning: nesting women are mental. They like everything sparkling, so avoid arguments and do your best with the antibacterial spray. It may not be up to her standards, but at least you’re making an effort.
• Bed rest: your partner should be having a couple of days in bed when you get home. Make sure you’re there to get things, sign for deliveries and generally be a dogsbody, so she doesn’t have to be up and about.
• Sleep: when the baby is asleep, you should encourage your partner to be as well. Sleep is a precious commodity in those early weeks, so enforce it when you can (for both her and your own sanity).
• Food: make sure your partner eats regularly. She’ll likely only want small nibbles but she’ll need them on a fairly frequent basis, so make sure you’ve got the food in the house she likes/wants/needs.
• Visitors: you’ve got to control the flow of people and make sure they don’t outstay their welcome – no visitors outside of direct family in the first two days is a good rule to start with.
• Positive messaging: your partner is going to be on a bit of an emotional seesaw. Tell her positive things about how she’s doing. Be calm, be kind and be patient. It WILL make a difference.
Sometimes the most natural of things are the most difficult. With all the planning and preparing in the world (see here) breastfeeding can, for some, be a real struggle. I struggled with each of my four babies when it came to feeding and all for different reasons. And I’m a midwife! It’s definitely not automatically easier for the ‘experts’.
It can, at times, feel like the ‘blind leading the blind’ – neither of you have done it before and it can take lots and lots of practice before you’ve got it right. That may be within the first week, or longer, it doesn’t matter either way. What matters is that you ask for help when you’re struggling.
I breastfed my daughter, Grace, for six months and to start with, it was incredibly difficult. All of the advice and ‘practice’ we’d had in our NCT classes suddenly felt a million miles away from the reality of having a newborn trying to latch on to my breast! It felt a bit like having this incredibly complex puzzle to solve – putting the bits in exactly the right way and order, for it to work. And on next to no sleep and with crazy hormones buzzing around my body. It’s fair to say, it was tough!
I struggled for the first few days and the midwives in the maternity ward were great at giving me tips when I asked for help. However, remembering the tips when it was feeding time was another challenge! And then, once we were doing it correctly, and Grace was feeding properly, THE PAIN! Oh, it makes my eyes water just thinking about it. Thankfully this didn’t last long, and we soon got into a rhythm of feeding every three hours or so. My husband, Mark, and my mum were usually on hand to make sure I had water, nipple cream, a snack, the TV remote and muslins nearby because in the early days, feeding could take up to an hour.
But I’m so glad we persevered. It got loads easier and soon I was whacking Grace on my boob for a feed without a care in the world. I was very self-conscious about feeding in public, which, looking back, is such a shame that society made me feel like this. I tended to find feeding rooms in shopping centres or scurry home to feed her, rather than do it in a café or restaurant. It was an extra pressure I didn’t actually need.
When Grace got to six months and we started weaning her on to solids, as it felt, for us, like the right time to stop breastfeeding. I remember having a desire to ‘get my boobs back’ after feeling like they weren’t really ‘mine’ for six months. If I had a second, I might try to breastfeed for longer.
• Don’t be disheartened if you find breastfeeding tough to start with. I don’t know anyone who finds it easy.
• Ask for help. There are breastfeeding clinics and support groups who are there to give advice and show you what to do (see here for more info).
• Don’t hide away like I did! There’s nothing embarrassing about breastfeeding and if anyone gives you a look, just ignore them.
• Stop when it feels right for you. Don’t pay attention to any pressure to breastfeed for longer, or shorter, than you want to. You know what’s best for you and your child.
Having a baby is huge, joyous occasion that brings everyone together to celebrate this brand-new human being, not to mention you and your partner becoming parents. But with all their good intentions, visitors are exhausting for any new parent. So what is the right thing to do when friends and family are desperate to come and see you and your new baby? You will no doubt be in your PJs resting in bed most days (which is exactly what you should be doing) and welcoming guests when you haven’t even opened the curtains and the dirty plates from three days ago are still in the kitchen can all seem too much to cope with. But given clear messages prior to the doorbell ringing, visitors can be an amazing asset to exhausted, sleep-deprived parents.
• Food. A simple store-cupboard staple such as biscuits and a pint of milk are far more essential than new-baby presents. I still remember the lasagne brought by a neighbour when the twins were born. I cried, it was so kind.
• Set a time limit. One person’s too-long is another person’s warm-up. But when it comes to visitors, limit it to 45 minutes to one hour maximum. Your energy is limited and there’s a hit-by-a-bus vibe in the air for a good couple of weeks after birth.
• Ask for help. Depending on the closeness of the friendship, ‘helpful’ can range from rinsing out your own tea cups to putting out the rubbish. Suggest specific tasks rather than staring hopefully at the dishwasher. Ask someone to take the baby for a walk so you can go to bed or have a long bath. Those small luxuries are few and far between in the beginning.
Try to spend as much time in bed nuzzling your newborn as possible. When I had the twins I didn’t leave the bedroom for the first week, AND IT WAS BLISS. Those early days are so precious, but lots of new mums are desperate to go out and try the new pram/sling. There will be plenty of time to do that. Enjoy this time.
After birth your body will change and will keep changing for some time while it recovers from pregnancy. It is important not to put any pressure on yourself to fit straight back into your pre-pregnancy clothes – you can get there and there is no hurry.
• Post-labour you will be feeling a bit fragile, so always opt for comfy, cosy, soft clothes. Invest in some tracksuit bottoms you love (chances are you will want to wear these a lot), look for stretchy, soft waistbands and make sure they are washable: babies can be messy. Get some soft T-shirts and vests that can be worn under things.
• If you invested in maternity clothes while you were pregnant, then these will be good to keep wearing post-labour as they will now fit on the looser side and feel comfortable, which ultimately is the most important thing. Look for clothes that you can breastfeed in and that are practical for when you are playing with the kids.
• Loose shirts and shirt dresses can be good; most probably your breasts will have got a lot bigger and your stomach needs time to recover from growing a human. These can be worn over your maternity jeans, leggings, shorts or skirts and you can wear things under and on top of them too.
• Jumpsuits can be great and are comfortable (avoid ones with waistbands, especially if you have had a C-section), as they are an easy, quick outfit-in-one. Dungarees are good, too, as they are flattering on the tummy and breasts and are perfect for breastfeeding.
• The key is to feel comfortable and happy. Chances are people will be more interested in looking at your new baby than you, so don’t worry.
If there’s one true fact about having a newborn baby in your life, it’s that your sleep patterns are about to become massively altered. Those carefree nights of eight hours’ sleep will be a distant memory, as your baby will keep you busy with what will seem like endless feeding, winding and changing. It’s incredible that something so small can demand so much from you at hours you haven’t seen since your partying days.
There is no easy way of getting used to the broken sleep – four children later I’m still adjusting – but with some realistic expectations and tips here and there you may find it a tiny bit easier.
Babies have a high biological need to eat regularly; their tiny tummies start off only the size of a cherry, so they empty quickly and they need to be re-filled again.
You may also wonder how your baby can sleep for long periods during the day but as soon as night comes he or she wants to feed like a mad thing. Your oxytocin and prolactin levels are elevated at night, which means you produce more milk, which in turn encourages your baby to feed more frequently. Also, the sleep hormone melatonin isn’t fully produced by babies until at least 9 to 12 weeks (when the pineal gland matures). Until then, breastfed babies receive melatonin from breast milk. The main thing you’ll notice is that your baby will not know the difference between day and night.
Although it may be hard, it’s a good idea if you can try to adapt your sleeping patterns to your baby’s. While this may be easier said than done, having an afternoon nap every day when your baby sleeps will give you and your body a little boost for getting through the next evening. This is why it’s a good idea not to book in any visitors during this time. Sleep is key for surviving these early days. Sleep deprivation can push you to the lowest of lows, so sleep whenever you can and rope in a relative or friend so you can sneak off for a nap. And remember: it won’t be like this for ever!
Don’t get too caught up in those baby-routine books. You have to remember that your baby hasn’t read them, so don’t put too much pressure on the situation by trying to enforce some sort of routine. Babies are supposed to wake every two to three hours at night; it’s normal for their development. Even if your NCT friend’s baby is sleeping through, every baby is different.
Poo: what goes in must come out! If babies eat roughly every two to three hours then they will need to empty their tiny tummies regularly to make space for their next feed. Never underestimate how many nappies you will go through: on average, a breastfed baby will poo six times a day. Their poo will start off as a dark, black tar-like substance called meconium, then change to green and by day five or six it should be a yellowish mustard colour and very runny.
We’ve all heard of milestones for your baby – first smile, first time he slept through the night – but what about you? My God, you’ve achieved so much already, you need a serious fist-pump to say ‘you’ve done it’.
• The first poo (and I don’t mean your baby’s) – the thought is always worse than the actual motion. Don’t hold on to it either – better out than in!
• And what about dealing with the first ‘poo-nami’ – sometimes chucking away the baby vest is the only course of action.
• Leaving the house with clean hair – that bottle of dry shampoo won’t last for ever and there’s nothing like the feeling of freshly washed hair.
• First day you go it alone – your partner has gone back to work and you’ve kept a small human alive all day and survived on chocolate biscuits and daytime TV. You’re amazing!
• First trip out with your baby – it took you two hours to actually leave the house and you’re only walking to your local shops, but how many spare changes of clothes and nappies does one tiny human need? (See point 2.)
• Getting into your non-maternity jeans – you may not be able to do them up or even contemplate eating in them but they’re on. Just.
• Successfully folding and collapsing the pram alone – without trapping your fingers in the process or dropping the baby. Winning at life.
• First time you breastfeed in front of your father-in-law – it gets all a bit hot and sweaty as you casually try to hide under a massive muslin and pray your baby stays latched on for once. Cue nipple exposure.
• First night out without your baby – even though you and your partner are either too sleep-deprived to have a proper adult conversation or you end up talking about the baby all night long.
• First time you wear an ACTUAL bra that holds your boobs up, rather than a maternity bra (wait until breastfeeding is fully established).
Sometimes, despite it looking to the outside world like you’re coping brilliantly, inside you might be feeling the complete opposite. And you need to take how you’re feeling seriously. It is estimated that more than 1 in 10 women are affected with post-natal depression. Signs/symptoms may include:
• A persistent feeling of sadness and low mood.
• Lack of enjoyment and loss of interest in the wider world.
• Lack of energy and feeling tired all the time.
• Trouble sleeping at night and feeling sleepy during the day.
• Difficulty bonding with your baby.
• Withdrawing from contact with other people.
• Problems concentrating and making decisions.
• Frightening thoughts – for example, about hurting your baby.
If you’re worried about how you’re feeling, there are people to talk to and help is available. The most important thing to do is to speak to your midwife, health visitor or GP. Recognising that you may not be okay is the first step. Don’t blame yourself, and don’t think it will pass or maybe you’re just tired.
I just kept crying and I didn’t know why. I looked at my perfect baby and wonderful husband but I just felt so sad. I got really good at putting on an ‘I’m fine’ face and blamed my low mood on the broken nights. But as weeks passed, I isolated myself from friends and eventually my husband persuaded me to see my doctor. She was amazing. I just cried and she sat and listened. She didn’t try and push anti-depressants on me but gave me treatment options. We need to be open about how we feel after having a baby; it’s a life-changing event. We need to change society’s stigma about mental health.
Rosie, mum of one
The answer is: when you feel ready. That may be when your baby is 5 weeks old or when he or she is 5 months old. Only you know your body and how you feel, so don’t feel pressured by others, or your partner for that matter. By the time you’re thinking about having sex, you might have a vague idea of when your baby might be asleep for more than 10 minutes. Always pick a time when your baby has had a good feed, especially if you’re breastfeeding (no one wants a leaky boob at a critical moment!) and has a clean nappy. There’s nothing like having to change an up-the-back-leaked-all-over-the-clean-babygrow-type poo for killing the moment.
Your post-baby body isn’t going to look how it used to. I remember being horrified when looking down at my stomach while in a certain position during sex with my husband after my first baby, thinking ‘will it always hang down like that?’ Obviously, with a bit of time and work it did eventually look marginally more acceptable, but it still wobbles and rolls in places.
I think sex after birth is an oxymoron … It’s terrifyingly wonderful. I was petrified of wiping myself after having a wee, let alone having a willy go there!! However, it’s so lovely when you realise it all feels just as amazing and it helps to reunite you as a couple.
Lucy, mum of one
Try not to ask your partner if it feels wider, bigger, looser, softer or different. It will put him off and kill the mood. You may feel different, but your partner may not even notice. He will just be pleased to be able to have some intimacy with you after such a long break.
The worst thing was the nerves. Would it hurt? What if I felt different or it wasn’t enjoyable for either of us? It was like it was my first time all over again! It wasn’t actually that bad or that uncomfortable; I think the fact that I was so tense was the biggest cause of discomfort. After lots of reassurance from my boyfriend and a few more goes I’ve got my confidence back, have relaxed and am enjoying it again.
Claire, mum of three
If you’ve had a C-section your vagina and perineum should feel and look the same as before you were pregnant, but you may still feel sore around your scar and your stomach muscles can still feel pretty wounded. A position like ‘spoons’ is probably sensible as it doesn’t put any strain on your tummy. If you’ve had a vaginal birth obviously make sure your tear (if you had one) is completely healed before embarking on a passionate night in the bedroom. (At your six-week post-natal check-up with your GP, you can raise any issues you may have about your perineum and vagina.) You even may want to have a look with a mirror beforehand. Don’t be freaked out by this idea. Getting to know what down there looks like is important for understanding how our bodies work and how well we heal after having babies. Go, Mother Nature! I have seen lots of women’s vaginas after they’ve had an episiotomy or a second-degree tear and the tissues have healed really well.
• Only have sex when YOU feel ready.
• Choose a time when the baby is fed, clean and asleep.
• It’s normal for the vagina to feel drier than usual after childbirth, which is linked to lower levels of oestrogen in your body compared to when you were pregnant. If you are breastfeeding they may be even lower: a water-based lubricant may help ease this.
• If it hurts or feels uncomfortable, just stop and try again another time.
• Choose positions that make you feel comfortable, so you can enjoy it.
• ALWAYS use contraception – even if you are breastfeeding (unless you want another baby straight away!).
• The more pelvic-floor exercises you do (see here), the tighter your muscles will be (and the less likely you are to wet yourself on a trampoline!).
Maternity leave can sometimes be boring, lonely and unfulfilling. And you may crave your old life and the job you left behind because you used your intelligent brain and felt stimulated and had proper lunch breaks and went for a wee without having a baby attached to you. But you are doing just fine. Who cares if your baby is wearing a stained babygrow and you haven’t done the baby massage you were taught in those classes you paid for? All your baby knows and needs is you. And that can feel overwhelming too. You may feel like a failure and that you can’t do it. You know in labour when you said ‘I can’t do this’ and your partner and midwife said ‘You can and you are doing this’? Well, remember that. Because all over the country and the world other mothers are thinking the same thing. You are scaling the mountain of motherhood. And no one said it was easy.
But the sleep does get better, and adjusting to motherhood takes time, plenty of time. Mine are nine, six and one and I’m still adjusting. Share your fears and anxieties with your mum-mates because we need to be sisterly in all of this – and be honest with one another.
And look, you’ve made it through the whole journey of pregnancy! I hope this book has helped you realise how amazing as women we are and what we go through to become mothers. It takes 40 (ish) weeks to grow a baby, so be kind to your body and don’t expect it to snap back into shape. Remember that you grew a human and that is incredible!
But the journey doesn’t end here, and it’s wonderful and exciting and exhausting, but you’re going to be just fine. You’ve got this, mama.
