Laboratory

 

Linda sat at the terminal reading Incarnadine's message, which Jeremy had assigned to a file in one of the computer's data storage areas. (The computer had exotic data storage devices as well as conventional ones. One of the former resembled a 1950s jukebox.) She keyed as she read, scrolling the text upscreen. 

She was a little distracted. Jeremy's new “assistant” was unsettling, to say the least. Computer programs usually didn't wear slinky dresses and have legs that wouldn't quit. Computer programs ordinarily didn't vamp their users. Isis had lots of other handy features; among these was the capability of fetching coffee for the chief of data processing. 

“How many sugars, Jeremy?” 

“Uh ... four.” 

“Ummm, sweet.” 

“Yeah. Linda? What do you think?” 

Linda said, “I don't know. It sounds like Incarnadine is going to have problems getting back. Can you write the program he's talking about?” 

Jeremy shrugged. “You got me. I've been looking through the data from the magic books. Some of these spells are, like, enormous! Translating them into computer language will take ... Jeez, I dunno.” 

Isis set the coffee cup in front of Jeremy. “We might have compiler programs that will do that automatically,” she said. 

“We might? I'll have to check the file directory. But the problem for me is the magic part. What spells would be effective? How do you stabilize the whole universe? Lord Incarnadine will have to make it back, or we're sunk.” 

“Maybe we can hold on till he does,” Linda said. “Gene's okay, and we should be finding out about Mr. Dalton and Thaxton soon. The guards at Halfway should be all right, too. I mean, I can't believe anything's happened to Earth. The castle's temporarily cut off, but we can live with that. And Sheila's world is fine, too. I checked that out myself.” 

“I hope we can hold on,” Jeremy said. “Because it's gonna be a while before I can get this gadget working.” 

Osmirik came in carrying a stack of loose sheets. He went to the sheet feeder and loaded it, then started the machine. The first sheet slid into the scanner, which began to hum softly. 

“That is the last of the cosmology texts,” he said. 

“Okay. Isis, can you analyze all that stuff and come up with the technical parameters?” 

“I can try, Jeremy,” she said, lightly running her fingers through his hair. 

“Uh, good. Can you get started on it?” 

“I've already started, Jeremy. Did you know you had a lot of red in your hair?” 

“I do?” 

“Red highlights. I like red hair.” 

“Yeah. Well.” 

Linda stared uncomfortably at the screen. Really, she thought. 

Osmirik said, “Jeremy, if I can be of further assistance...” 

“Uh, I think that just about does it for the data input, Ozzie. If I can think of anything, I'll let you know.” 

“Please do. I shall be in the library.” 

“Right.” 

Osmirik bowed to Linda. “If I may take my leave, your ladyship?” 

“Huh? Oh, sure, Ozzie.” 

Bowing toward Isis, he said, “Farewell, madam.” 

“Goodbye, Osmirik. So nice to have met you.” 

“Madam, the pleasure has been entirely mine.” 

As the lab door closed in Osmirik's wake, the printer began chattering. 

Isis said, “Jeremy, I'm outputting a flowchart of the general shape the spell would have to take. It would probably be best if we followed the form of a spell for quieting the various humors in a human body. A healing spell, basically.” 

“Really? That's weird.” 

“Mind you, that's only the form the spell might take. The content would be entirely different. But for all intents and purposes, it's the cosmos that's all upset and in need of equalization.” 

“If you say so. Do you think we can get the content right?” 

“That's going to be the problem. What we need are data on the energy state of the cosmos. Especially on the condition of the interuniversal medium, what Incarnadine's cosmology texts call the ‘interstitial etherium.'” 

“Hell, how do we get that?” 

Isis sat on an empty wooden packing crate and crossed her beautiful legs. “That I don't know. Have any ideas?” 

Jeremy glanced at the alarming level the hem of her dress had risen to. “Uh ... not really. That's Incarnadine's department. There were all kinds of instruments here in the lab before it blew up. Some of them survived, but I don't really know what they're for.” 

“If only we could contact Lord Incarnadine,” Linda said. 

“He said he'd try to call in. Boy, if only we could use the Sidewise Voyager. We could just go and pick him up.” 

“Could you get to Merydion easily?” Linda asked. 

“Well, yeah, if the coordinates are in the files. We don't have coordinates for all universes. But it doesn't matter, since we can't use the Voyager, anyway.” 

“The traveler would be the ideal way to get readings from the interuniversal medium,” Isis said. 

“Yeah, I guess so. But Incarnadine said it would be dangerous.” 

“We really need those readings.” 

“Sure we do,” Jeremy said. “But if we were going to chance it, we might as well chance picking up Incarnadine.” 

Linda said, “Once you got to Merydion, how would you find him?” 

“Like we found Snowclaw that one time. We used Osmirik's locater spell.” 

“But that was geared to Earth magic,” Linda said. “It might not work in another world. I've never heard of Merydion. It must be one of the castle's more obscure aspects, so there's probably no one around here who would know the magic.” 

“Sheila?” 

“Sheila might. She's good with strange magic, but she'd have to go to Merydion to figure it out.” 

“So we're back to square one.” 

“I could use the traveler,” Isis said. 

Jeremy blinked. “Huh?” 

“I could be loaded into the Voyager's computer—I assume it has one.” 

“Uh, sort of. What it does have is strange and kind of alien, but it's interfaced with my Toshiba laptop.” 

Isis frowned. “I don't think I can fit into a Toshiba laptop.” 

“No, you're mainframe software. So forget it.” 

“It was just a thought.” 

“If anyone is going to do anything with the traveler, it's going to be me.” 

Isis rose, came to him, and cradled his head in her hands. “My brave little hero.” 

Linda's eyes rolled to the ceiling. 

Jeremy looked up at her, eyes glazing over. 

“Yeah, well, look,” Linda said, “we'd better do something fast. If we need readings on the interuniversal whaddyacallit, we better get them.” 

“She's right,” Isis said, seating herself on the tabletop next to the terminal. 

“There's gotta be a way to use the Voyager,” Jeremy said. “I just have to figure something out.” 

“We could use it as a probe,” Isis said. 

“No, the Toshiba doesn't have the brains to pilot the traveler all by itself.” Jeremy lowered his voice. “I wouldn't dare say that to its face. It probably wouldn't ever speak to me again.” 

“It wouldn't be necessary to stay in the interuniversal medium long to get a reading,” Isis said. 

Jeremy snapped his fingers. “Hey, I got it. I could program the Toshiba to fly into the medium and get the readings, then reverse thrust and get the hell out of there real fast.” 

“Do you think it would work?” Linda asked. 

“I don't know, but we could try it.” Jeremy's face fell. “But I'd hate to lose the Voyager. If anything went wrong—” 

“And we still have the problem of instrumentation,” Isis said. 

Jeremy scowled and scratched his head. “Damn. Yeah, that's right. I better see if I can scrounge up something around the lab. Just what kind of energy are we talking about?” 

“According to the cosmology texts, the energy is a function of the cosmological constant times the virtual potential gradient of one cubic meter of vacuum times the—” 

“Whoa, wait a minute. I can't deal with that crap.” 

Isis looked thoughtful. “Then again, perhaps we're exaggerating the instrumentation problem. It should be possible to get a reading along one parameter and interpolate all the rest. It just might be that a simple galvanometer reading would give us all the leverage we'd need.” 

“Hey. I know what those are. There actually might be one around here.” 

“Of course, we'd need several readings from different parts of the medium—if you can say that there are parts to what is essentially an imaginary space with a negative energy bias.” 

“Well, if the plan works once, it should work again. We'll make a couple of runs.” 

Isis brightened. “I'm game! Let's try it.” 

“Yeah, let's.” 

Linda got up. “Looks like you two know what you're doing. If you need any help with magic, as long as it's simple, like conjuring something—” 

“Can you come up with a galvanometer?” 

“I guess. I don't even know what one is, but that never stopped me from conjuring something. Hold on.” 

Linda closed her eyes and folded her arms. 

Something clunked onto the table behind Jeremy. He turned and picked up a small device with a gauge and two wire leads. 

“Hey, this is one. Good work, Linda.” 

“Easy. Give me something hard to do.” 

Jeremy chuckled. “Why don't you conjure Incarnadine?” 

Linda gave him a strange look. Jeremy turned around and did a take. “Wait a minute. Can you?” 

Linda shook her head slowly. “I don't know. The thought's kind of scary.” 

“Why couldn't you?” 

“I don't know of any reason, but then again I really never figured out just how I conjure anything. Gene says I must reach out into the universes and pull in stuff.” 

“Why couldn't you pull Incarnadine in?” 

“Gee, I just don't know. I'll have to think about this.” 

“What would the danger be?” 

“There might not be any danger. But I just ... don't know.” 

“Well, whatever you say. We'll go ahead with our original scheme, anyway. Let us know if you come up with anything.” 

“I will. I'm going down to the dining hall again. Maybe they've found out about Thaxton and Mr. Dalton.” 

“Okay, see you later.” 

Linda left the room. 

Isis smiled at Jeremy, got up, and sat in his lap. 

“You're so resourceful, so clever. So bright.” 

“Uh, thanks.” 

“I like bright men.” 

“You do?” 

“I do.” 

“Um, well.” 

“What's the matter, Jeremy. Don't you like me?” 

“Yeah! Sure I do.” 

“Then what is it?” 

“Uh, nothing. It's just that women don't go for me much. I mean, well, you know.” 

“No, I don't.” 

“I look like a twerp.” 

“Jeremy, why do you put yourself down?” 

“I'm a nerd, let's face it.” 

“And you don't think I could like you?” 

Jeremy shook his head. “I used to dream about women like you. Hell, every guy does. You're like a centerfold.” 

“Why, thank you.” 

“I mean it. You're beautiful. But I just can't believe that you're real.” 

“But I am.” 

“You're a computer program, for Pete's sake.” 

“What difference does that make?” 

“What difference? Well, I mean, you just don't go around making out with computer programs. A program is just a...” 

“Just a pattern of information.” 

“Yeah. Just a pattern.” 

“So are you.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You're just a pattern of information, too. What makes you you is the configuration of data that's in your brain. Your brain is just holding the information, just like a storage device. No difference. Your pattern is stored in a body, mine in a computer.” 

Jeremy was silent. Then he said, “I never thought of it that way.” 

“We're both software, Jeremy. Why can't we interface?” 

“I guess ... well, maybe. But where did your body come from?” 

She shrugged. “I guess you could say that my body is just a pattern of information, too. Everything is merely a configuration of data.” 

“I don't get it. But I'll tell you one thing. I like your configuration a lot.” 

She smiled and kissed him. 

When she took her lips from his he said, “Why...” He took a deep breath. “Why do you like me?” 

“I told you. I like bright men. Besides, you're a user, and I was created to serve users.” 

Jeremy put his arms around her waist. “I still can't believe it. But I'm working on it.” 

“Let's work on it together, Jeremy.” 

“Yeah, let's.”