Chapter Twenty-six
Christmas Again

OUR SECOND CHRISTMAS ON the boat was planned to be a little different from the first. Arwen and Carl had decided to go to New Zealand for a month and we had asked if we could borrow their house while they were away. They had recently become the proud owners of a small flock of fussy, fluffy hens and the most spiteful and aggressive cockerel you could wish to meet, so they were happy to have someone to look after the scary group.

We were all approaching Christmas with wildly differing views. One minute I would be looking forward to it, the next I didn’t want to leave the boat, and the kids argued and bickered more than usual. Sam, of course, was ecstatic; Sky TV, computer games, Internet and all the lovely things that he felt he was being denied and were his right. Charlie swung her views from one day to the next. She hadn’t long left a house, and this was to be her first full Christmas with us so she was understandably a little tense.

Geoff and I had decided that with us all off the boat this was going to be a perfect opportunity to do all those jobs that were smelly and definitely not child-friendly; there is nothing more irritating than finding a seven-year-old stuck in your gloss paint. These jobs also included laying the new floor and completing (well, starting actually) the huge amount of painting that had to be done to finish Happy off completely.

With the car full of clothes and Christmas presents, we headed over to Arwen and Carl’s at the beginning of December. As we were heading down one of the little country lanes, trying to find a way to avoid the A14, a deer crossing the single-track road in front of us was lit briefly in the headlights. Geoff slammed on the brakes, accompanied by the children (and me) screaming. Going so slowly down the tiny lane it had been no problem to stop and we watched the deer disappear into the ditch and across the field.

As Geoff put our ageing Audi into gear and began to pull away, another deer crashed out of the bushes, saw the obstacle that we presented and just took off in an attempt to clear the car. All I can remember thinking is ‘Wow, deer really can fly’. But it didn’t quite make it. The back legs crashed down onto the bonnet and the animal, while twisting in an attempt to regain its footing, crashed sideways through the windscreen. For a couple of seconds there was only the sound of screaming children, cracking glass, heavy breathing and hooves screeching across metal as the poor thing struggled desperately to get itself out of the windscreen and back on to the road.

Luckily it had fallen with its back and rump through the window so at least we weren’t in danger of being decapitated by flailing legs. Finally, it made it off the bonnet of our now horribly battered car. It staggered about in the road for a moment in full view of the only headlight we still had in working condition, then, shaking its head, took off at full speed after its friend, leaving us to examine the state of our totalled car and attempt to calm two wide-eyed and terrified children (and me).

We limped to Arwen and Carl’s and made a call to the insurance company. They were less than helpful, and over the next week sent an assessor to study our car. He arrived with a condescending expression.

‘A deer jumped onto your bonnet while you were almost stationary,’ he sneered. ‘What type of deer?’

‘A red deer.’

‘We don’t have red deer around here,’ (funny, that was the third one I had seen since we had been here) ‘are you sure it wasn’t a reindeer, little bells, fat bloke in red attached behind it, ha ha ha.’

‘Let’s hope not because if that was Rudolph there are going to be a lot of disappointed kids in a couple of weeks’ time.’

He sneered again and said, ‘Well, lead on, lead on. Let’s see if we can find any evidence of your so-called deer.’ He gave a derisive sniff and indicated out the door.

Keeping my evil tongue well under control, I preceded him outside and pointed out the Audi, parked two or three cars down the lane. He wandered over to it, still sniffing, and I could have laughed aloud as I saw him walk round to the front and watched his jaw drop.

‘You could have been killed,’ he muttered, taking in the perfect hoof print embedded in the bonnet, the smashed lights and the decimated windscreen which sported ginger hair and clotted blood all down one side.

I nodded. ‘Yes, we were just lucky he didn’t come through feet first.’

He ran his fingers over the dent, ‘How big would you say this thing was?’

I shrugged. ‘It was nearly fully dark, but I would have said four and a half, maybe five foot at the shoulder, it made a hell of a thump when it landed; it was trying to jump the car.’ Then I just couldn’t help myself. ‘Mind you, the thump could have been that fat guy that it was dragging, I’m fairly sure I heard him screaming, “Blitzen, stop, ya bugger!”’

He whipped round and narrowed his eyes at me. I just smiled back at him, keeping my own eyes wide open and innocent looking. Then he laughed.

‘Yes, OK, I agree it was almost definitely a deer, or at least a big animal of some sort – you have to admit that, as a story, it sounded fairly unlikely.’

I nodded. ‘I think if I was going to make something up, I would have come up with something more believable.’

He smiled again. ‘You wouldn’t believe the stories we get told.’

Over a cup of tea he gave me the bad news that the Audi was probably going to be a write-off; she was so old and there was so much damage that it really just wasn’t going to be worth fixing her.

I had to agree. I’d been expecting this, and she certainly had been playing up for some time now, overheating and making strange noises, even when she didn’t have Rudolph embedded in her radiator. So obviously it was time to get a new car.

Watching the tow truck load our poor, bloody, hairy Audi onto the back of a car trailer, I was not that sad to see it go. It was a really expensive car to run, although it did have a huge boot and I was going to miss that. Now all we had was our tiny little Daewoo Matiz; the children had named it ‘pod’ because it was bright green and looked like a mobile pea. Arwen and Carl had left their car behind and said that we were perfectly at liberty to use that while we were staying, so at least we each had transport.

While the entire trauma with the car had been going on, Geoff had taken full advantage of us all being off the boat and had been working steadily through his list of jobs. It wasn’t only laying the new floor and the glossing that needed to be done; there was also some tiling to do, some emulsioning, lino to be laid in the bathroom which also now needed re-decoration (good grief, had we really been on here so long that the first room was now due for re-decoration – the mind boggles) and, finally, the finishing off and decoration of our bedroom.

Christmas Eve and the new floor was down. It hadn’t taken as long as I expected as I was under the impression that the old floor would have to come up before the new laminate went down. When I suggested this, Geoff stared at me in amazement.

‘You can’t put laminate flooring over a void.’ He flapped a bit of it at me. ‘Look, it’s all floppy; it would just bend and break.’

‘A void?’ I frowned at him. ‘What’s actually under this floor then?’

He shook his head at me. ‘How long have we lived on this boat?’ he asked. ‘Are you seriously telling me that you have never looked under the floor?’

I couldn’t understand what the problem was; why on earth would I want to look under the floor, so I just shrugged at him.

‘Look.’ He put his finger through a drilled hole and lifted up a wooden panel. The gap he revealed appeared to be full of concrete paving slabs.

‘What are those?’ I poked one; they actually were concrete paving slabs.

‘It’s the ballast,’ he put the floor panel back down and frowned at me. ‘You know, those things I have to lug from one side of the boat to the other every time you put a new piece of flaming furniture in and we end up leaning over?’

Realising that I had obviously missed something important, I tried to make amends for my complete lack of observational skills by showing some interest. ‘So what’s under the concrete blocks?’

‘Nothing.’ Geoff frowned. ‘Well, obviously there’s the bottom of the boat, but that’s just the steelwork and the struts to lay a floor on. Without those blocks we’d be floating a good foot higher and her prop would be out of the water.

‘Good grief!’ The extent of the weight and the amount of these things suddenly dawned on me. ‘How many of these blocks are there?’

‘I don’t know, I’ve never counted them.’ Geoff gave me a pointed look. ‘But I feel like I’ve moved hundreds because you keep changing your mind about where you want things to go and every time, I have to drag up the floors and push them from one side to the other.’

‘Yes, you already said that.’ I thought back over the last few months and reddened slightly, remembering all the changes I had made and how many mornings Geoff had woken up with muscle pains ‘Oh ... sorry, you should have said.’

Geoff gave me a kiss on the forehead. ‘Never mind, you’re happy with it now, aren’t you?’

‘Well, I did think that maybe the sofa would look better on the other side.’

Geoff’s eyes widened and I grabbed a paintbrush to fend him off.

‘Don’t you dare, I have a brush here and I’m not afraid to use it.’ I brandished it at him with a grin.

‘Just remember,’ he snarled. ‘I’m sure I can find a wife-sized space under this floor if I have to.’ He gave me an innocent smile. ‘Cup of tea ... darling?’

Although the new flooring took less time than I had feared, there were so many cuts to be made, avoiding furniture and other built-in obstacles, then creating lift-up panels so that the dreaded ballast could be accessed, that it had taken far longer than Geoff had hoped.

But while he was completing the floor, I had been working on the tiling that needed to be finished in both the kitchen and the bathroom. So with two of the scheduled ‘big’ jobs finally crossed off our list, we settled down to a good, old-fashioned Christmas with Amelia and Huw. Being away from the boat we were forced to relax; we had a wonderful time.

Geoff was taking Sam up to see Grandma for New Year and with Charlie heading back to the other family for the same period, I had decided that I would use that time to complete the glossing. Then we had a week left at Arwen’s after New Year, which would give the paint a good time to dry, and we could move back into a totally finished boat.

I spent so many hours trapped in the boat with the paint fumes that by the time I had finished each day, I would happily weave my way back to the car and have to spend a good ten minutes breathing deeply on top of the flood defences until I felt that I was safe to drive. On New Year’s Eve, I did actually make it to a friend’s party that was being held just down the road from Arwen’s house, but I was so tired and so high on paint fumes that I left well before midnight and I probably wasn’t very coherent company while I was there – sorry about that, guys.