Julian had never experienced a ‘cold feet’ feeling – that is until that moment. As he turned the corner to the bishop’s residence, the moment he had dreaded was fast approaching.
He was greeted by Bishop Bernard himself.
“Come in, Julian. Come into the lounge – more comfortable there.”
For the first fifteen minutes, conversation flowed – news of the world, family, general topics.
Can’t prolong this any further, thought Julian.
“Bernard,” he began, “I’d better get down to the reason I requested this meeting.”
“Sure, Julian. Don’t look so serious!” Bernard laughed.
“Firstly, I assure you this is not a snap decision,” Julian began. “I have thought about it and prayed about it for months.” He paused, then continued, “I am asking your permission to leave.”
“Certainly,” began the archbishop. “Time out from Canon Law for a while, or a change of parish, or both?”
“No! No!” exclaimed Julian. “Sorry Bernard. I did not make myself clear. I am asking for a permanent dispensation from my priesthood.”
The bishop’s face fell. The shock he was obviously experiencing was mirrored in his expression.
“For a short time?” he asked hesitantly.
“No, Bernard. I am asking that you request for me from Rome permanent dispensation from my vows. My call to ministerial priesthood is no longer there.”
Silence fell heavily for the next few minutes.
Then Bernard began, “I can’t deny I’m shocked!” His shock was apparent. “But Julian, does it have to be so final right now? I would suggest for the present you take ‘time out’ – no final decision, just time out from your priestly duties to think and pray about your future.”
Julian smiled wanly. “Bernard, I have been thinking and praying for months.” He paused, then continued, “I’m not turning my back on God – no, just the opposite. I will try to explain to you how I have come to this decision.”
Bernard sat stiffly, but listened intently. For Julian, the pressure he had felt prior to the meeting had lifted. He now felt free to endeavour to explain to his bishop the spiritual road he had travelled during the past year. He began by explaining the initial uneasiness of his subconscious, the shock as it rose to his consciousness, the quest to seek answers to questions it surfaced, the months of seeking through thought and prayer, and the final realization that he was no longer called to priestly ministry.
“But you could be wrong,” Bernard almost whispered.
“Perhaps,” answered Julian. “But I feel as sure as humanly possible about this decision.”
“I can’t believe it!” Tears welled in Bernard’s eyes. “You have so much to give the Church. God only knows how much the Church needs men like you.”
“I’m not leaving the Church,” Julian answered quietly but firmly. “Just changing directions.”
Suddenly the bishop broke in, “Is there a woman involved?”
Julian smiled. “No, Bernard. I can assure you there is no woman in my life. This is my inner decision without any outside pressure or reasons.”
Once again silence prevailed as minutes audibly ticked away.
Bernard broke the silence. “Julian, you seem to be set in your decision. Of course, I’m not happy about it. But I will draw up the necessary documents to go to Rome and call you back for your signature when they are ready.”
“Thanks, Bernard.” Julian spoke quietly. Then added, “Do I have your blessing?”
Julian’s question was answered by a question from the bishop. “Julian, is there any hope that you will change your mind?”
Julian answered quietly, “No, Bernard.”
“Then what are your plans for the future?”
“At this stage my future is fairly unknown. I will certainly go back to some studies – but not sure in what area. Probably continue with law. That’s something to work out later.”
“Is there anything I could say or do to reverse your decision?”
“No! Bernard, I am sorry that I have upset you and that another priest is leaving your diocese. You have been a friend and I respect your leadership. I will always be grateful for your help, understanding and friendship.”
Julian was surprised – and happily so – as his bishop rose, place his hands on Julian’s head, gave his blessing, followed by a prayer of thanksgiving for Julian’s past ministry and of guidance for his future.
Notably touched, Julian whispered, “Thanks Bernard. I am very grateful for your blessing.”
The bishop immediately changed the subject as he asked, “It’s getting close to lunch time. Will you stay and join me for lunch?”
“I’d love to,” Julian responded.
It was a pleasant meal, with light-hearted conversation flowing freely, masking the feelings, deep-seated in both.
As Julian left, Bernard held his hand firmly, “Thank you, Julian. God bless you in your life ahead.”