DOWNLOAD SYNDROME

(also known as: Upload Syndrome, Notehead, Powerpoint Paralysis, Appiness, It’s In My Machine, Text Me, I’m On a Train, You’ve Lost Me, What, Void, Delegation)

 

Country of Origin: United States

 

First Known Case: Arthur H. McCollum, a meticulous note-taker and archivist who in 1939 was sectioned after flipping out alone in a funhouse. It transpired that he felt the need to instantly record or verbally relate everything that occurred to him physically or mentally. Dropping his notebook when surprised by a ghoul and thus unable to record or pass on his experiences, McCollum had subsequently undergone mental overload through the remainder of the ride, emerging with foam spurting from his gob like a bath toy. Dr. Wilhelm Reich concluded that McCollum had been involved in ‘preventative archiving’, the passing off of thoughts and experiences the moment they have occurred. McCollum thereby sought to maintain an almost totally empty mind. ‘He regards the long-term harboring of thoughts,’ wrote Reich, ‘as a nuisance at best and at worst a violation.’ The bulk of Reich’s papers on the condition were lost in the Food & Drug Administration’s burning of his literature in 1959. Since then advances in technology have facilitated an epidemic of the syndrome.

 

Symptoms: 1. Constant talking with aid of cell phones and email; 2. near-zero memory retention; 3. dead stare; 4. blithely confident attitude.

 

Development, Cures, and Comments: The habit of thinking and recalling in their appliances rather than their own heads has left the greater proportion of the populace as empty, predictable and available as an arcade duck. Even when mismanaged into a moment alone the sufferer will state where he is and what, if anything, he is thinking. For millions the reluctance to introspect has led to the actual inability to do so. For others the world has always been so. The archaic practice of contemplation is not missed by those who, having never had an original idea, have never gotten a taste for them. They will speak of celebrity or, when pressed, mini-veggie preparation. Conversation is a brush of tumbleweeds, lacking all anecdotal detail, as in: ‘This guy was, like, “Hello?” and I was like, “Excuse me?”’ It becomes entirely reasonable to say in surprised exasperation, ‘How do you expect me to remember something we talked about half an hour ago?’ As Ken Stinnett bellowed from the upper ledge of a burning cathedral last year, ‘Since the procedure which has become known as “giving it the wave-through” or simply “voiding” has become common behaviour, churches and multinationals have never looked back. The masses trample themselves in their rush to forget. Yes, my beauties, dispute my fury and I’ll really commence. A man lives dilute, his death is a watercolour, we look upon it and pretend to learn. Pieces of law as medals, that’s as fertile as it gets. Tomorrow-dollars met our eyes for years before we realized they weren’t getting any closer didn’t they? So I’m naked, so what? Oh, here come the cops, what a surprise. Peering at my expertise eh madam? I don’t blame you. These are dry times and getting drier. The wrong solution closes the curtains, a slumber less natural than death. Eh, what? Cease and desist? What kind of yammer is that?’ Stinnett’s words were confirmed by his subsequent slaying by police and the blank stare that greets the mention of his name today. Research into nerve interfacing continues apace. Technologically, the ideal is to record all thoughts before they can surface to inflict texture and mayhem on the conscious mind. The pursuit of a cure is becoming hourly less a matter for urgency. A cure for what? Something forgotten. We are faced with the ‘I am Legend’ paradigm. When the majority of the world population suffers the same condition, does it become the ‘new normal’?