SUTRA: Tat Tvam Asi (taht t’vahm AH-see)
I see the other in myself and myself in others.
UNDERSTANDING HOW HUMAN relationships work is one of the most important keys to synchrodestiny. In the West, we tend to rely on popular psychology to come up with strategies for managing our thoughts and feelings. All too often self-help books propose manipulating our relationships so they can become more satisfying. But creating positive human relationships is much more than a tactic: It means providing the human environment in which synchrodestiny can take place. It’s absolutely fundamental, in the same way that gravity, or having air to breathe, is fundamental.
The mantra for this principle means “I am that.” This principle builds on the first principle, in which we learned that we are all extensions of the universal energy field, all a single entity with different points of view. I am that involves looking at everything in the world, everyone else in the world, and realizing that you are looking at another version of yourself. You and I are the same. Everything is the same. I am that, you are that, all this is that. We are all mirrors for others, and we need to learn to see ourselves in the reflection of other people. This is called the mirror of relationship. Through the mirror of relationship I discover my nonlocal self. For this reason, nurturing relationships is the most important activity in my life. When I look around me, everything I see is an expression of myself.
Relationship, then, is a tool for spiritual evolution, with the ultimate goal of reaching unity consciousness. We are all inevitably part of the same universal consciousness, but the real breakthroughs happen when we start to recognize that connection in our daily lives.
Relationship is one of the most effective ways to access unity consciousness because we’re always in relationships. Think of the web of relationships you have at any time—parents, children, friends, co-workers, romantic relationships. All are, at their heart, spiritual experiences. When you’re in love, for example, romantically and deeply in love, you have a sense of timelessness. You are, at that moment, at peace with uncertainty. You feel wonderful but vulnerable, you feel intimate but exposed. You’re transforming, changing, but without trepidation; you feel a sense of wonder. This is a spiritual experience.
Through the mirror of relationship—all relationships—we discover extended states of awareness. Those whom we love and those whom we are repelled by are both mirrors of ourselves. Whom are we attracted to? People who have the same traits as we have, but more so. We want to be in their company because subconsciously we feel that by doing so we, too, might manifest more of those traits as well. By the same token we are repelled by people who reflect back to us traits that we deny in our own selves. So if you are having a strong negative reaction to someone, you can be sure that they possess some traits in common with you, traits that you are not willing to embrace. If you were willing to accept those qualities, then they wouldn’t upset you.
By recognizing that we can see ourselves in others, every relationship becomes a tool for the evolution of our consciousness. And as consciousness evolves, we experience expanded states of awareness. It is in those expanded states of awareness, when we get to the nonlocal domain, that we can experience synchrodestiny.
The next time you’re attracted to someone, ask yourself what attracted you. Is it beauty, or grace, or elegance, or influence, or power, or intelligence? Whatever it is, know that that quality is also blossoming in you. Pay attention to these feelings, and you can begin the process of becoming more fully yourself.
Of course, the same is true of people who repel you. In becoming more fully your true self, you have to understand and embrace the less attractive qualities in yourself. The essential nature of the universe is the coexistence of opposite values. You cannot be brave if you do not have a coward inside you. You cannot be generous if you do not have a tight-fisted person inside you. You cannot be virtuous unless you also contain the capacity for evil.
We spend much of our lives denying that we have this dark side to ourselves, and then end up projecting those dark qualities onto other people in our lives. Have you ever known people who naturally attract the “wrong” people into their lives? Usually they don’t understand why this happens time after time, year after year. The truth is not that they attract that darkness, but that they are not willing to acknowledge it in their own lives. Finding a person you dislike is an opportunity to embrace the paradox of the coexistence of opposites, and to discover a new facet of yourself. It is another step toward developing your spiritual self. The most enlightened people in the world embrace their full potential of light and dark. When you’re with people who recognize and own their negative qualities, you never feel judged by them. It’s only when people see good and bad, right and wrong, as qualities outside themselves that judgments occur.
When we are willing to embrace both the light and the dark sides of our selves, we can begin to heal both our selves and our relationships. Start very simply, with the most distasteful person you can think of. For example, think of Adolf Hitler and say, How could I possibly be like Hitler? Most people refuse to accept that they contain even the smallest shred of an Adolf Hitler. But think more deeply. Have you ever expressed prejudice toward any group of people just because they had a certain name, or a certain skin color, or a certain accent, or a certain disability? If you can think of any example of that in your life, then you must embrace the similarity between yourself and Adolf Hitler. We are all multidimensional, omnidimensional. Everything that exists somewhere in the world also exists in us. When we embrace these different aspects of ourselves, we acknowledge our connection to the universal consciousness and expand our personal awareness.
There’s a wonderful Sufi story that illustrates how this mirror affects our lives. A man entered a village and went to see the Sufi master, the wise old man of the village. The visitor said, “I’m deciding whether I should move here or not. I’m wondering what kind of a neighborhood this is. Can you tell me about the people here?” The Sufi master said, “Tell me what kind of people lived where you came from.” The visitor said, “Oh, they were highway robbers, cheats, and liars.” The old Sufi master said, “You know, those are exactly the same kinds of people who live here.” The visitor left the village and never came back. Half an hour later, another man entered the village. He sought out the Sufi master and said, “I’m thinking of moving here. Can you tell me what kind of people live here?” Again the Sufi master said, “Tell me what kind of people lived where you came from.” The visitor said, “Oh, they were the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate, loving people. I shall miss them terribly.” The Sufi master said, “Those are exactly the kinds of people who live here, too.”
This story reminds us that the traits we see most clearly in others exist most strongly in our selves. When we can see into the mirror of relationship, then we can begin to see all of our selves. To do this, we need to be comfortable with our ambiguity, to embrace all aspects of our selves. At a deep level we need to recognize that we are not flawed simply because we have negative traits. No one has only positive traits. Recognizing that we have negative traits simply means that we are complete. And in that completeness we gain greater access to our universal, nonlocal selves.
For this exercise, you’ll need a piece of paper and a pen.
Think about a specific person whom you find very attractive. On the left side of the paper list ten or more desirable qualities that person possesses. List anything that comes to mind. Write quickly. The secret is not to allow your conscious mind time to edit your thoughts. Why do you like this person? Why do you find him or her attractive? What do you most admire? Is that person kind, loving, flexible, independent? Do you admire that he or she drives a nice car, has a flattering hairstyle, or lives in a desirable house? You are the only one who will see this list, so be completely honest. If you get stuck before coming up with ten characteristics, then say out loud, “I like this person because—,” and fill in the blank. You can write down as many qualities as you like, but don’t stop before reaching ten.
Now switch gears and bring into your awareness somebody whom you find repulsive, someone who irritates you, annoys you, aggravates you, or makes you uncomfortable in some way. Start to define those specific qualities that you find unattractive. On the right side of the paper, list ten or more of these undesirable qualities. Why don’t you like that person? Why are you infuriated or annoyed by that person? Write down as many qualities as you like, but don’t stop before reaching ten.
When you have completed both lists, think again about the person you find attractive and identify at least three unattractive traits in that person. Don’t fight it—nobody’s perfect. (The more you can accept this in others, the more readily you’ll be able to accept it in yourself.) Then think about the person you found unattractive and identify three traits that are relatively appealing.
Now you should have at least twenty-six qualities listed on the page. Read over each one and circle every quality that you own yourself. For example, if you wrote compassionate about the attractive person, ask yourself if you are ever compassionate. If so, then circle that word. If not, then don’t circle the word. Don’t think too much about it—just respond to your first impressions. Go through all words on both lists and circle every word that describes a quality that you can identify in your own nature.
Look at the list again. For every word that you did not circle, identify the ones that are absolutely inapplicable to you, words that definitely do not describe you. Put a checkmark next to those.
Finally, go back and look at the words that you circled and identify the top three that describe you most strongly. Turn the paper over and write down those three words. Then go back and look at the words that you checked and identify the top three that define you the very least—ones that in no way whatsoever apply to you. Write those three words on the back of the paper under the three words that apply to you the most. Read those six words—the three that describe you best and the three that least apply—out loud. You are all of these qualities and traits. The qualities you most strongly deny in yourself are also part of you and are likely the qualities that create the most turbulence in your life. You will attract people with all six of these qualities—the extremely positive qualities because you may not feel that you deserve them and the extremely negative ones because you refuse to acknowledge their presence in your life.
Once you can see yourself in others, it will become much easier to connect with them, and through that connection to discover unity consciousness. The door to synchrodestiny will open. Such is the power of the mirror of relationship.
The Sanskrit word namaste (pronounced nah-mah-STAY) means “The spirit in me honors the spirit in you.” Whenever you first make eye contact with another person, say “Namaste” silently to yourself. This is a way of acknowledging that the being there is the same as the being here.
When you do this, everything about you—your body language, your expression, and your tone—will be recognized by the other person at some profound level. Even though this greeting is silent, the other person will consciously or unconsciously register the respect implicit in your greeting. Practice this exercise for a few days, and see if you notice a difference in your interactions with other people.
Sutra Statements for the Second Principle
Imagine that your spirit is not only in you but in all other beings and everything that is.
(tat tvam asi)
Imagine that everybody is a reflection of yourself.
(tat tvam asi)
Imagine that when you look at the universe you are looking at your mirror.
(tat tvam asi)
Imagine that you see what others see.
(tat tvam asi)
Imagine that you can feel what others feel.
(tat tvam asi)
Imagine that you are the qualities you most admire in others.
(tat tvam asi)
Imagine that others reflect the qualities you cherish in yourself.
(tat tvam asi)
Imagine that you are a person in a hall of mirrors where you can see yourself for miles and every reflection you see is of yourself, but appears different.