If I was a cum fiend, then Ethan was a butt fingering fiend. I swear he just started sticking his fingers up my ass so I would return the favor. Christ, he couldn't get enough. I was using muscles in my hands that I never even knew existed and my fingers are too sore to even draw these days. There isn't a blowjob he gets that isn't accompanied by some form of ass play.
I'm able to fit three fingers in him now, and Christ, does he get horny and loud when I'm three fingers deep in his ass. You can't even imagine what it does to me when he's beside himself begging me to give him my cock and telling me how full he feels.
I'm not going to be able to listen to that shit much longer before I give in. My only concern is that he's still not as ready as he says he is. Even though he's been fingering me nearly as much as I've been doing him, he still has made no move whatsoever to actually 'make love' with me—to me. I don't know if he thinks that maybe I'm not ready or what, but I'm starting to get a little agitated. I'm ready to just buy a goddamn dildo and make love to myself. I'm craving the cock extra bad these days and every time he fingers me, it just gets that much worse.
He's definitely not bad at the fingering thing either. His fingers are long and extra dexterous. To want more than his very nimble fingers is a true testament to how badly I need his cock. I need it.
I'm so not willing to push him, though, so I don't say a damn thing while he fingers me and sucks me off. He's grown much better at the whole blowjob thing as well. He learned how serious I was when I told him that deep throating is overrated. There's no more relentless gagging, though he still does gag a little on occasion. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's kind of cute. He gets so embarrassed when he gags, and we all know how I love it when he blushes. You can imagine how much I love it when he blushes with my cock in his mouth.
I just don't get why he isn't moving any further. Is he afraid of putting his cock in my ass? He sure as hell isn't worried about putting his fingers in there. I'm terrified that he still thinks I might leave after he does it, but I have no idea how to reassure him anymore. The simple truth is that I can't leave him. He's as significant to me as my heart, there's no way in hell I can be without him. I tell him how much I love him all the time, but I don't know, maybe he still doesn't trust me enough.
I understand why he has trust issues. His father is a real piece of work. Ethan has certainly opened up to me in more ways than one recently. The more I learn about his home life, the more I understand why exactly he is the way he is. Part of it is just personality, true, but the distrust, the fear, those are all products of his messed-up family.
He played the piano for me again and let me sit on his bench next to him while he played and told me the story of how he learned and why he didn't play much anymore. I had assumed that maybe it was because music was the career choice he had wanted for himself, while everyone else had pushed him to be a lawyer, but that wasn't even the half of it.
His mother taught him to play piano and encouraged him through the early part of his life to do whatever made him happy. It was clear that even now music is what made him happy. But when Ethan turned thirteen—just thirteen years old—he'd been ripped away from his mother, never to see her again.
When I asked him what happened to her, his exact words were: "Baby, what do very rich men do with people they want out of their life?"
He found it hilarious when I freaked out, hugging him and apologizing, nearly in tears for the hurt he had gone through because of his prick father. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he was laughing. No one laughs about their mother's death.
He explained that his father paid her off, not murdered her. He said she sometimes sent him letters, but they were always through buffers and he didn't have a clue where she actually lived. He didn't know why his father was so adamant about the fact that he would never see his mother again, but he assumed it was pride, or some other selfish feeling that would make him believe it was okay to take a thirteen-year-old boy away from his mother.
He told me that Emily basically raised him, which really made sense considering how maternal and caring she seemed. William worked a lot, and though he was away more than at home, he still managed to spend more time fathering Ethan than Ed Senior did. As much as Emily nurtured Ethan, he still wasn't okay. His father was a prick. His wicked, evil stepmother was also a prick. In my opinion, William turned out stellar considering who his parents were.
Basically, Ethan got the short end of the family stick. It really makes me happy that I grew up with two stable parents who accepted me for who I was, despite having their beliefs. I would much rather have grown up in poverty with two loving parents than have had all the money in the world and such messed up individuals as his family. Thank God for Emily.
I told him a little about my family. About being an only child, and my parents, and growing up poor. I told him that they know I'm gay and that they are very supportive for the most part. We mostly don't talk about it a lot, because they are slightly religious and I try to keep our lives separate so they won't have to feel uncomfortable. I tell him about being raised in Texas, I even tell him a little more about Duncan because he was such a huge part of my life. Needless to say, Ethan is not a Duncan fan.
Sometimes we just start talking to each other and the hours fly by. We tend to get lost in the little world we created for ourselves and we talk until we're tired. It still nearly brings me to the point of tears to realize that I have someone now. Someone who loves me and whom I love back, regardless of wealth, messed up family, or any other baggage he has. He's the person I feel I can share anything with and know he won't judge me. I've never had that before. Johnathon probably could have been that person, but I never wanted him to be, which made all the world of difference. I wanted Ethan, he's my person, my soul, my whole life. I'd do anything for him.