35

Ethan is already gone by the time that I woke up in the morning. I decide to head back to my place to try and get some aspects of my life together.

I work for a few hours, finishing a previously started requisition and beginning one requested charcoal drawing. I start to get a little lost in my music and can't concentrate at all, and before I really know what I'm doing, I'm grabbing new products and just drawing. Ethan is heavy on my brain and my hand is working with quick, methodical movements, transferring him onto the paper in a lifelike rendering.

But his nose, his nose has that tiny little crook in it, and I can't for the life of me get it. I move, standing on the far side of my work area, but that's not enough. I climb onto the goddamn table, desperate to get this fine detail right. From the new angle, I can. It's a small detail, but it's important. Just as important as the light dusting of freckles that color his cheeks—more on the left than the right. I tilt my head back, shoving my hair off of my face, and catch movement in my peripheral. I glance up, not expecting anything more than a trick of light, but gasp and tumble right off the edge of the table when I find Ethan standing there, watching me.

I yank my ear buds out as he rushes over to me, but he doesn't say a word as he crouches down, cupping my face in his hands.

He doesn't have to say a word, I can see it on his face. Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong.

His eyes are bloodshot, his jaw tight, his entire face ashen... and he hasn't said a word.

I slide my palms over his hands on my face and pull them off. With his hands not there to stop me, I dart forward, wrapping my arms tight around his neck as I hug him close. It takes a few moments for him to respond, but when he does, it's forcefully. His arms are almost painful, how tight he wraps them around me. He drops his face into the side of my neck and just breathes. He breathes deeply, brokenly.

I give him a few minutes before I whisper, "What happened?"

He sits back slowly, digging in his pocket. "I maxed out every card that I could get cash off of," he says, shoving his hand at me, loaded with hundred dollar bills. "He moves quickly, but not as quick as I do. There should be about twenty grand here. I know it's not much, but I want you to have it."

"What?" I gasp, shaking my head at him. "Ethan, what the hell?"

"It's over," he says, a small smile curving the corners of his lips upwards. "It's finally over."

"What?" I gasp, this time completely out of breath. "It's over?" What the hell does he mean it's over? What...

"Yes. Here," he says, stuffing the bills into my unresponsive hands. "Take the money, Jasper. It's over, no more hiding."

I can feel it, the darkness, it's coming. I can almost see it coming. I welcome it. I can't do this, not again. I want the dark to swallow me. We're over? And he's giving me money?

"Jasper," I hear him call distantly. He moves in slow motion, reaching for me. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Over?" I hear myself ask again. There is a long pause, then the whole room is spinning.

"No," Ethan gasps. "No, no, no, no. Jasper, baby, that's not what I meant. Not us. Oh God, breathe, Jasper."

I hear a terrible rasping sound and it burns, it burns so good as the air hits my lungs.

"Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe," Ethan begs.

I'm in his lap, I can feel him holding me, rocking me. But I have no idea what is going on right now.

"God, I'm so stupid. We're not over, baby, never. I'm sorry, so sorry. My stupid mouth. Can't I think, just once before I open it." His lips press quickly over the side and back of my neck, kissing, my chest aches so bad... "Jasper, are you okay? I'm so sorry." He kind of shoves me onto the floor and crawls around so he's facing me. "Baby, please tell me you're okay. You scared the shit out of me, you weren't breathing for a minute there. You can't just stop breathing because I say something stupid." He shoves his hand into his hair, glaring at me halfheartedly.

"You're not allowed to get mad at me for not breathing when you told me that we're over," I rasp out.

"I never said we're over, I said it's over."

"That's the same thing," I yell.

He winces, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers, leaning forward to cup my face in his hands and kiss me.

I pull back, frustrated. "It's fine, I guess, but would please tell me what the hell is going on, because you shoving twenty thousand dollars at me and telling me it's over does not sound good."

Ethan sighs, keeping his eyes closed while he hangs his head. "It, Jasper, not us."

"Okay, what is 'it'?" I snap.

"The whole mess. My father, he knows. There's no more hiding, that's over," he explains, confusing me further.

"What?" I ask breathlessly.

"Yesterday, the thing that happened at work that I didn't want to tell you about? Turns out he was testing me, and I failed terribly. I might as well have just came right out with it and told him that I'm gay.

"There is a paralegal at the Bennett Firm that is gay. He doesn't flaunt it or anything like that, but he has a boyfriend that brings him lunch everyday. Usually they are very discreet, and very few people in the office had even seen them hold hands, but yesterday they kissed goodbye and my father and I just happened to be able to see them from his office. It was very chaste, sweet, there wasn't even any touching or tongue, but my dad pitched a fit about inappropriate conduct in the office. And then he used the F-word. I behaved, even though inside I was ready to tear him a new one for using that word.

He went on and on ranting about homosexuality and a bunch of bullshit about no one wanting to see it. I barely kept my cool, but I managed it because he's just an old asshole, no one gives a shit what he thinks. He started talking about firing him though, and I asked him if he was seriously going to discriminate against him because of his sexual orientation and my dad spouted off some crap about him not being good at his job.

"That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard, he's one of the best paralegals I've seen, definitely the best in the office, and my piece of shit father was going to fire him because he was gay. I wasn't having that shit, but there wasn't anything I could say to my father at all. So I went behind his back. I told him what my father's plan was and I told him to quit. And he listened to me.

"So, my father found out today that it was me and asked me if I was some kind of 'faggot lover'. He started laughing when I didn't say anything to that, when I didn't deny it, I'm sure he could tell I was pissed. He taunted me for close to a half hour this morning before I told him to take his money and stick it so far up his ass he could taste it. He told me to get out of his house, to forget about law school, and to forget about ever seeing his family again, because I was not part of it. He wouldn't have a faggot for a son."

"Oh, God, Ethan," I gasp.

He just shrugs. "Whatever. It's better this way. I was never going to be a good lawyer and it's not what I wanted anyway. I don't need his money or his house, and I sure as hell don't need him as my father. Kind of sucks that Emily and William aren't going to be able to be there for me anymore, but—"

"Ethan," I choke out, "you don't have to do this, you—"

"Yes, I do, baby," he says, reaching forward to stroke my cheek. "I'll miss Emily, and William too, I suppose, but you're more important. The old bastard doesn't have that long left anyway so when he croaks, I'm sure William will give me my share of the Bennett estate and we'll all live happily ever after."

"But—"

"No buts, love. I love you, I'm not even close to regretting what I did, I'm happy. You're my life now."

"You shouldn't give it all up for me, not Emily," I gasp.

"Emily will be fine. She'll understand, hell, she'll probably tell me I actually used my brain for once. She wants me to be happy, Jasper, and you're what makes me happy. Even if you didn't want me anymore, I'm not going back. It's not worth it."

"Don't say that, don't even think about there being a chance of me not wanting you, because there isn't one. I'll always want you, I would have wanted you even if you were a hobo on the sidewalk."

He chuckles at that, stroking my back. "I don't know about that, love. I would have been a really smelly hobo, I'm sure."

"I would have bathed you and made you pretty," I assure him.

His lips purse and he shakes his head at me. "You're so cute, Jasper. I love you."

"I love you too, baby. I'm really sorry that you're giving all this shit up for me, I'm sorry that you have to, that that's the way it has to be, but I'm not sorry that you did it. I'm selfish enough to want you more than I want you to have your family. I'm too selfish to tell you not to do this for me. I don't know that I'm worth it, but I don't really give a shit either way because I'm not letting you go."

He smirks, sliding his hands into my hair to pull my mouth to his. "You know what this means, right?" he asks against my mouth.

"Mm-mm," I hum, shaking my head slightly, but not breaking our kiss.

"It means I need someplace to live..." he trails off, kissing me softly,

"No you don't," I tell him, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth.

He moans softly then pulls away enough to whisper, "I love you, babe, but I'm not willing to rough it on the streets just to give you some kind of hobo fantasy."

I chuckle, shoving him on the shoulder. "That is not what I mean, Ethan. I mean you don't need to find a place to live, because you'll live here, with me."

He smiles slightly, a relieved smile. "Are you sure? Is it too soon? I can find someplace else."

I shake my head, then bunch his shirt in my hands, pulling him to me. "I'm sure, and even if it is too soon, I don't care because I want you here, always. And take your money and get yourself a bank account, I don't want that shit."

"Jasper—"

"Don't you Jasper me," I warn.

He huffs. "We fight a lot, maybe it's not the best idea for me to move in with you."

"We only fight when you say stupid shit, so as long as you keep apologizing when you open your mouth and bullshit comes out, then we can have some epic make-up sex afterwards and everything will be fine."

"Epic make-up sex... Are you sure that's how it works?"

"Positive."

He chuckles and starts kissing me again, pulling me tightly to him. He raises his knees and I slide down onto hip lap, pressing us even closer together. He moans when I grind down onto him a little, but it kind of hurts my ass so I don't do it again. His hands drag down my back, holding me tightly to him as he grinds up at me.

"Baby, my ass kind of hurts," I admit begrudgingly.

"You fell off a desk," he says.

"Shut up," I tell him, not wanting to hear about me falling off a desk. I'd like to forget that happened, please.

His phone starts to ring and he shifts, digging it out of his pocket. I open my eyes as he continues to kiss me, and find him glancing at the screen. He pulls his mouth away from mine. "It's William, I have to answer it," he says.

I nod and he takes the call. I stay in his lap, wrapping my arms around his back and hugging him while he talks and strokes his fingers along my spine. He isn't on the phone long and as soon as he ends the call, he turns his head and kisses my cheek, telling me, "We have an hour."

"For what?" I ask.

"To go to William's and say goodbye," he explains.

"We? No, baby, you should just go, I don't think—"

"You're coming," he insists. "I want you there and they want you there."

"Are you sure?"

He nods, tapping my butt lightly. "Hurry and get dressed. I’ll meet you in the car."

I hop up, throwing something decent on quickly, and rush out the door.

Once on the road, I ask Ethan what his father is going to do now. He tells me he's not really sure, but he assumes that there isn't a whole lot he can do. Ethan knows that I draw under the pseudonym of J. Stone, but very few others are aware of that. I don't attend many gallery shows or really put myself out there all that much anymore and only the folks who write out my check know my real name. Ethan thinks that it would take some digging on Ed Senior's part to discover where exactly my work is, and even then, there really isn't anything he can do to slander me, as I'm not hugely known, but already established enough for anything he says not to matter.

Ethan assures me he's not stupid enough to have me whacked.

Ethan's future is in shambles, though. He really doesn't have any prospects, and law school isn't an option—even if he wanted to go back, he couldn't afford it. I'll be the breadwinner for the time being, and I'm completely okay with that, though I do wonder what it's going to be like spending that much time with him.

As we start to get closer to William and Emily's, I start to fuss over myself, as I do when I'm nervous. I know Ethan hates it when I pull down the visor every forty seconds, but I can't help it. He doesn't say anything about it, so I think that maybe he's getting better about the whole car obsession thing. He never said if Ed Senior was taking it away too... I'm not asking that shit.

When we pull into the driveway, Ethan grabs me, pulling my mouth to his and not letting me pull away until I'm panting. He barely lets me catch my breath before he's making out with me again, and the only thing I can think about is my throbbing dick. He's looks all kinds of hot in his plain white tee and jeans, his hair is a mess, and his lips are all red and juicy. I want to fuck that pretty mouth...

"Okay, baby, let's go inside."

Grudgingly, I do as he asks, stiffly, without checking to make sure I look alright first. I'm sure I don't, I probably have a sex flush and my hair is probably all over the place, and God, my dick hurts now.

He's such an asshole.

I love him so much.

I was never the marriage type of guy, but I want to drag his ass to Vegas and get hitched pronto. I'll even let him call me Mrs. Ethan Bennett if he wants to—in fact, I might even like it.

Emily hugs and kisses us both hello and there are a lot of whispered words between Ethan and her, and I just stand back, because I shouldn't be here. I'm the reason he's being torn away from them.

William stands back and watches as well, not coming between the... brother and sister-in-law. God, she should be his mother, it's so weird.

When Emily releases him, he approaches William and they share quiet words before hugging.

I kind of hate myself, because he's giving up this part of his life for me, and I know that he shouldn't.

"What are you doing all the way back here, Jasper?" Emily asks quietly.

I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it only grows larger. "Will you let him know, I'll be in the car."

"I will do no such thing," Emily replies, reaching out to grab me, stopping me. "He loves you, Jasper, that makes you part of this... dysfunctional family. You're important to him, and that makes you important to us. We'll miss you too," she says, hugging me again.

"He should be with you."

Emily laughs, pulling back to look at me. She shakes her head and cups my face. "No, sweetheart, he belongs with you. I mothered him as long as he allowed, but he's grown up now and he's right where he belongs."

"He needs a mother," I whisper.

She smiles. "He has one. Two, actually."

"He needs you."

"No, not anymore. He needs you now. Come with me, let's go make a drink."

She slides her hand into mine and leads me away. Ethan watches me go, and it feels so wrong, being here while he says goodbye, because of me.

"I need you to keep a secret for me, Jasper," Emily says hurriedly, releasing my hand and quickly moving away from me. "I've known for some years where Ethan's mother is, but William made me promise to never tell him. Ed Senior gave Elizabeth Masen a very large amount of money and sent her away. She didn't go willingly, mind you, she was threatened, and Ed made damn sure that she stayed away. But she contacted us, almost immediately. She made us promise that when Ethan was no longer in danger, that we would tell him where to find her. I'm going to give you her address now, Jasper. But you cannot tell Ethan until he has calmed down. I'm positive our phone lines will be tapped so Ed can monitor whether we are betraying him by speaking to Ethan, and Ethan cannot call here, especially not to yell at us about his mother. Do you understand?"

I stare at her blankly as she stuffs a piece of paper into my pocket. "Jasper, this is very important. If there wouldn't be consequences to myself, my husband, and Ethan, none of this would have to happen this way, but this is how it has to be. Ed is a very powerful, very angry, very bigoted man, he will hurt his own family to satisfy his own need to control. Do you understand what I have told you?" she pleads desperately.

"Yes," I rasp.

"Good. Wait until the time is right, Jasper, you'll know when it is, you know him very well, and tell him everything I've told you. Tell him that I'm sorry, that I love him, and that I wish I could have told him sooner, but his safety is more important. There is nothing Ed can do now, as long as Ethan doesn't point me out as the one who gave him the address."

I nod and she quickly mixes up some drinks. When we come back, Ethan is watching me carefully, and when I try to change my expression into something more indifferent, he seems to grow more suspicious.

He pats William on the shoulder and makes his way over to me, sliding his hand in mine, squeezing as he gives me a questioning sideways glance. I try to smile, to reassure him, but I doubt it works well.

He doesn't push for information, at least not yet, he just holds my hand as he says goodbye to his family. I admittedly do try to distance myself from them as they say their farewells, but Ethan seems unwilling to let me leave his side. I just press myself close to him and remain quiet. The level of emotion in the room is high, but we all keep it together, though I know Emily and Ethan are both probably struggling terribly with saying goodbye to each other.

"It's not like it's forever," Emily says brightly, wrapping her arms around both of us. "I'll see you both soon, and I'll think of you every day, and I love you both. Don't get into too much trouble with each other."

She has a very brave face on, but the wetness in her eyes give away just how much she is fighting to remain strong. I try once to pull my hand from Ethan's, but he holds fast, squeezing tighter, painfully so, and I give in, staying by his side.

There is an awkward silence, all of us just standing there after our goodbyes, all of us too afraid to move. William finally breaks the silence, clearing his throat before he says, "I'm sorry boys, but you have to leave before the first rounds are made. I believe I will be being checked upon in about three minutes."

Ethan nods, quickly kissing Emily's cheek, then starts to back away, taking me with him. She backs away too, clasping onto William's hand and he grasps her back, both of their knuckles turning white with the force they are holding onto each other with. Much like how I imagine Ethan's and my hands look like.

There are final goodbyes and 'I love you's before Ethan and I hastily make our exit. His hand only leaves mine to get in the car, then he is grasping onto it again for dear life.

"Baby, are you sure this is what you want?" I ask, so deathly afraid he's going to change his mind, and at the same time, terrified that he won't, and that he'll grow to resent me.

"I love you, Jasper, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he says, squeezing my hand and releasing a shaky breath. "This split from William and Emily is only temporary, what you and I have is forever. I can deal with not having them, as long as I have you, but I can't take it the other way around."

I raise his hand to my lips, kissing his knuckles once before I wrap my other hand around his, keeping his hand secure between mine. "You won't regret it," I promise.

He takes his eyes off the road for only a moment to meet my stare, and even if it's just a glance, it's intense, emotional, meaningful. "I know."