Playing nice

Dear fourth grade parents,

In order to make sure no child gets hurt this year, the PTA has agreed to the following guidelines for birthday parties:

1. If a child invites more than half of the class, he must invite the entire class, including Ivan.
2. If a child only wants to invite a few best friends but Ivan hears that there’s a party, that child must invite Ivan and pretend that the party is for Ivan.
3. If Ivan is at a party and he starts to have one of his fits, everyone else at the party (including parents) must pretend to have fits also so Ivan doesn’t feel that he’s the only one having a fit.
4. When Ivan runs out of steam, nobody should talk about what just happened.
5. If Ivan demands that a child invite him to a party, that child must invite Ivan to a party even if it’s not that child’s birthday and that child doesn’t have any party planned. The next day, at the party, everybody should pretend that it actually is that child’s birthday and Ivan was right about everything.
6. If Ivan figures out somehow that the other children have been faking their fits, the children must be taken out of school until Ivan has one of his major breakdowns and loses his recent memory.

No matter whose party it is, Ivan always blows out the candles and opens all the presents.

Thank you,
Mrs. Billings