Demands

Dear cops,

I’ll release the hostages if you bring me the following items:

1. Combination to bank vault or some kind of machine that can open vaults
2. A strong bag that is big enough to fit all of the money from the vault
3. A second criminal to help me carry this bag out of the bank
4. Ropes to tie up the hostages so they don’t walk around so much
5. A third criminal with a car who can drive us away as soon as we get outside with the bag
6. MapQuest directions from the bank parking lot to Mexico
7. Some general information on Mexico (what kind of currency they use, which sports are popular there, basic culture things)
8. English to Spanish dictionary
9. Someone needs to go back to my apartment and bring me my asthma inhaler. It’s either in the medicine cabinet or on the little table next to the futon.
10. There’s a small chance I left the stove on in my apartment. I don’t think I did, but I’m a little bit worried because I can’t actually visualize myself turning it off. Anyway, whichever policeman goes to get the inhaler should also check to make sure the burner is all the way off because I left my cat behind and I don’t want him to inhale any gas.
11. I just realized that someone is going to have to adopt my cat. His name is Rudy and he is very smart and affectionate. I’m not just saying that because he is mine – he is a really special animal. He has a slight bladder problem but it’s not bad as long as you give him his medication (the directions are on the bottle).
12. I forgot to give Rudy his pill this morning. Just give him two tonight. You’re really not supposed to do it like that, but it’s okay if it ends up happening once in a while.
13. Some kind of weapon.