When small talk goes wrong

– Did you see who won the game?

– I was at the game. A ball hit my son in the face. He’s in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital. The doctors say he might not make it. So, in answer to your question: No. I have no idea who won your precious game.

– Hey, you look familiar. Have we met?

– Oh my God, I’ve gained so much weight that you didn’t even recognize me. This is the single most humiliating experience of my life. We dated for seven years.

– Do you come here often?

– Yes. My brother was murdered at this bar in 1983. I come every year on the anniversary of his death to say a prayer. I miss him so much. I know he’s gone, but part of me still can’t let go. He was stabbed to death in the neck.

– Are you on the bride’s side or the groom’s?

– Well, the groom is my brother, and the bride is my wife … I’m sorry, I mean ex-wife. God, that’s going to take some getting used to. I still love her, you know. Even after what she did. (Drinks an entire glass of champagne.) You want to know something? This is the worst day of my life.