A day in the life of the Swiss Army

All right, everyone, listen up. I’m not going to lie to you. We lost a lot of good men today. But we haven’t lost the war yet. It’s time to hunker down and talk strategy: Has everybody been taking care of his fingernails? Because yesterday, during the battle, I noticed that some men – in fact, a lot of men – were having trouble opening their knives. Remember, you have to dig pretty hard to get the blade out. It’s not like the magnifying glass.

Okay, another thing. Yesterday, on the battlefield, there was some confusion about the location of the blade. If the logo is facing you, the blade is the third instrument on the right side of the knife. It looks like the tweezers, but it’s actually the one just above the tweezers. This is really important to remember.

Let’s have a moment of silence to mourn all the men who died today.

Okay. One more thing: I can see that many of you have accidentally cut yourselves while trying to open your knives. Listen, this happens sometimes, it’s just another part of war and army life. But try to be careful.

Tobias, how’s the fire coming? Still sawing down the tree? Okay. Remember to be careful with that saw, Tobias. Just because it’s little doesn’t mean it isn’t sharp.

All right, men, it looks like we have some more time before dinner. And as long as you’re all here, I’d like to talk to you about respect. During weapons inspection, I noticed that many of you have lost your toothpicks. This is unacceptable. The toothpick is part of the Swiss Army knife. Yes, I know, it comes out. But that’s not an excuse to lose it.

All right, that’s it. Get some rest. Tomorrow we wage war.