Your brain is designed to be an excellent filter, allowing you to pay close attention to what’s important in the moment while ignoring the constant bombardment of other information coming in. That’s why you can cram for an afternoon math test in a noisy cafeteria or concentrate on texting with a friend while everyone in your family is talking at once.
But sometimes that filtering action (also known as “selective attention”) gives you a badly distorted perception of reality. When you have this off-target thinking habit, your attention zooms in on a negative event or two as the day goes on and you get stuck thinking about the bad stuff. You can’t see the big picture, which is also composed of hundreds of other moments in your day that were interesting, exciting, fun, or even just okay. As a result, disappointments are blown way out of proportion, and your accomplishments and pleasures get lost.
Suppose your history teacher makes a sarcastic comment one day in class when you raise your hand and get the definition of “absolute monarchy” wrong. If you have the zooming-in-on-the-negative habit, you can’t stop thinking about it. You filter out of your awareness the goal you scored in P.E. class and the fun you had walking home from school with a friend. You think, My teacher was really mean! This was really a terrible day! A related problem when you have this habit is that your memory of events is also skewed. So even many days later, the disappointment or embarrassing moment may run on an endless loop in your mind, overwhelming any memories of events that led to any feelings of happiness or pride or satisfaction.
Paying attention selectively to the disappointing occurrences in your life while filtering out everything else makes you feel bad about yourself or others and pessimistic about your future. Or it makes you resentful and angry that life just isn’t going your way. Over time, this habit of psychological inflexibility, of taking account of only the negative details, can lead you to withdraw from other people and activities and to eventually get sad or depressed.
The key to breaking the habit is to catch yourself when you zoom in on a negative incident that takes all your attention. Sometimes really sad things are going to happen, and thinking about them is a normal part of processing them and moving forward. Plus, if you do make a mistake, you want to learn from it, not ignore it. But the idea is to interrupt that endless loop of negative self-talk and turn off the filter that causes you to ignore everything else going on in your life. You’re aiming for a realistic and appropriately balanced understanding of the big picture. In other words, you’ll try to capture all the “ups” and the “okays” that have happened along with the “downs.”
One of the best effects of breaking this habit is that, as you begin to pay attention to the positive and so-so aspects of your life, you feel more content and more hopeful. By taking in the big picture rather than zooming in on one small piece of it, you’re able to see that your disappointments aren’t so overwhelming. As you start enjoying (and remembering) the many satisfying moments that make up a normal day, you look forward to joining in the fun with your friends.
Your goal is to become a “let’s look at the big picture” thinker. The steps of the cognitive restructuring process will help you get used to stepping back and taking in the whole. You will learn to notice all of the good and the average moments in life along with the not-so-good moments. You’ll do this by taking a reality check and looking at the evidence that your negative thinking represents the entire story. Finally, you’ll learn how to come up with a more balanced and accurate view of the situation and a plan of action that is in sync with that view.
Tyler’s ninth-grade basketball team has had a great season so far. He feels especially excited going into Thursday’s game because he’s been doing really well in practice and he thinks he will get a chance to start. That doesn’t happen. But Tyler does get to play the whole second half and makes a great pass that results in a basket. And his team wins. Rather than enjoying his and his teammates’ successes, however, he thinks: I’m just not good enough to ever start the game! My life is terrible! He feels really glum and skips pizza with the team after the game.
Tyler’s off-target thinking error: He filters out all of the good things that happened during the game—his time on the court, his great play, the team’s win—as well as the many other moments of enjoyment he had during the day. Instead, he selectively focuses on his one disappointment.
What he does (or doesn’t do) next as a result of his zooming-in-on-the-negative thought: Tyler gets out of the locker room as fast as possible and heads home. He misses out on the team’s celebration.
How he feels: He feels irritated, down, and discouraged.
How his body responds: His shoulders are tense, his stomach feels queasy, and he lacks energy.
Reality check: What does Tyler say to himself to challenge his off-target thought? Tyler looks for evidence that he’s a poor player and that his life is terrible. He challenges that thought by saying to himself: “Too bad that I didn’t get to start. But let’s look at the big picture. I did get to play a lot, and we won! What went well during the game? What else happened today that was good?”
Tyler’s helpful thought and action plan: I really like playing basketball, and I am lucky to be on the team. It gives me a chance to hang out with my friends and get better at a sport. I have a choice of what to focus on. I will keep practicing as hard as I can, and maybe someday I will get to start.
The payoff: How do the helpful thought and action plan improve Tyler’s situation? Seeing the big picture reminds Tyler that one disappointment doesn’t really take away from how much he enjoys practicing and playing basketball and how much it means to him being part of the team. In fact, he sees his disappointment instead as a reason to practice harder. Having this plan makes him optimistic that he can improve his game. By changing your perspective to get a fuller picture when you zoom in on a negative, you, too, will soon see that you’ve almost certainly blown it way out of proportion. Your mood will improve, and you’ll feel motivated to get back into action.
Activity 1: Practice the Steps
Layla has had a pretty interesting few days. She made $35 taking care of her favorite neighborhood puppy, and she was invited to go to the movies with three girls from school this weekend. On Wednesday, though, she found out that she got a D on her English literature test. Since then, that grade is all Layla can think about. She tells herself: “I had a really bad week.”
What was Layla’s off-target thinking error?
What do you think Layla does (or doesn’t do) next as a result of her zooming-in-on-the-negative thought?
How do you think Layla feels? (Circle all that apply.)
|
Hurt |
Enraged |
Furious |
Misunderstood |
|
Sad |
Disgusted |
Confused |
Annoyed |
|
Worried |
Rejected |
Vulnerable |
Alone |
|
Helpless |
Anxious |
Intimidated |
Stressed |
|
Satisfied |
Irritable |
Distressed |
Gloomy |
|
Uncomfortable |
Defeated |
Tearful |
Shaky |
|
Hopeless |
Scared |
Disappointed |
Frustrated |
Other(s):
|
Feels shaky |
Legs tense |
Heart races |
Feels heavy |
|
Throat tightens |
Breathes rapidly |
Feels tired |
Hands clench |
|
Skin feels clammy |
Face feels hot |
Feels energetic |
Feels sweaty |
|
Feels cold |
Muscles relax |
Frowns |
Body stiffens |
|
Stomach gets upset |
Feels numb |
Gets headache |
Feels weak |
|
Feels jittery |
Shoulders slump |
Head drops |
Feels breathless |
Other(s):
Reality check: What can Layla say to herself to challenge her off-target thought? When Layla examines the evidence that she had a really bad week, what does she notice? She asks herself, “Am I looking at the whole week, or one small part? What else happened this week? What went well?” Write down what Layla can say to herself after considering these questions to challenge her off-target thought.
Layla’s helpful thought and action plan: It’s too bad that I got a bad grade, but it was only one test and I know I can do better. I’ll ask my teacher if I can do anything for extra credit and study harder next time. I can always ask for help if there’s something I don’t understand.
The payoff: How do the helpful thought and action plan improve Layla’s situation? Consider the impact on her mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
Now that you’ve learned how to broaden your perspective, noticing the good and the okay as well as the awful, try taking these steps yourself.
Activity 2: Change Your Own Thinking Habit
Think of a time when you zoomed in on a negative experience and blew it way out of proportion. Describe what happened and how your thought about that day or week was off-target.
How did this thought make you feel?
How did your body respond?
Reality check: What could you have said to yourself to challenge your off-target thought? Some possibilities: “Is there evidence to support my thought? Is there evidence against it? Am I focusing too much on one detail? What good things happened that I’m forgetting? Next week, when I think back on today, what would be the most accurate way to remember the big picture?” After considering these questions, write down what you could have said to yourself to challenge the thought.
Describe your action plan:
The payoff: How would this helpful thought and action plan have improved your situation? Consider the impact on your mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
It’s amazing how different a picture looks when you step back and view it as a whole! In effect, that’s what your reality check will prompt you to do whenever you catch yourself overwhelmed by upsetting events. Getting that balanced perspective, and learning to recognize and appreciate what’s going on that’s positive, will help you cope with disappointment without losing your optimism and sense of possibility.
Make a list of ten things that happened in your life this week. Try to come up with several that were good, a few that were disappointing, and some that were just so-so.
It’s clear that zooming in on a negative experience can make you sad. What would happen if you were to zoom in on a great experience? Choose the event from your list above that makes you proudest or happiest, and experiment with zooming in on it, minimizing all the other experiences. Describe how zooming in on the positive makes you feel.
Of course, focusing only on the positive part of that picture will also give you a distorted view of the whole. But it feels good, doesn’t it? Trying this exercise every once in a while is a great way to remind yourself of how this thought habit works, and of how powerful your thoughts are in affecting your feelings, your body sensations, and your actions.
Often when negative thoughts cause you to feel really down on yourself or mad at other people, you get into a cycle of avoiding situations and withdrawing from social activities, which makes you feel even worse. Practicing the skill of behavioral activation—in other words, just doing something even when you don’t want to—slowly brings back into your life activities that are important to you and make you feel better emotionally and physically. Sometimes we think of behavioral activation as changing thoughts by working in reverse, or from the “outside” to the “inside.” In other words, as a first step we go out and do something that we may not feel like doing, and that action makes us feel better and gives us more positive energy.
Start by listing some activities you like (or used to like). Then schedule them into your day or week. You might feel so down that you’d rather listen to music in your room than go to the homecoming game, for example. But forcing yourself to go anyway and smile and talk with your friends makes you feel less down and gets you out of your funk. This leaves you more likely to think realistic, optimistic thoughts.
To try behavioral activation, think of several activities that you enjoy and think are important, such as playing a sport, going to the movies, or hanging out with your friends. Schedule at least two or three of these enjoyable and important experiences into the week ahead so you get up and engage in life even when you’re feeling down and would rather not. Note how each activity affects your mood and what you think afterward.
Behavioral Activation Scheduling
| Day and Time | Activity | Mood | Thoughts |
|---|---|---|---|
The feelings of depression that result from all sorts of off-target thinking patterns are sometimes so strong that you lack any motivation to be friendly and sociable. You may not even have enough energy to take a reality check and try to change those thought patterns. At times like these, a dose or two of behavioral activation can be just what you need to ignite positive feelings and get you engaged in life again. It can be hard to take action, but it does get easier once you get moving.
Whenever your mind gets stuck on a disappointment or an embarrassing moment, remember that you’re focusing on just one small part of a much bigger picture. You have the power to pause and zoom out. This allows you to see and appreciate the many other details you’ve been missing. Gaining this more balanced view will help you put those disappointments in perspective.
Remember: