Teens who have the “I should, you should” thinking habit constantly hold themselves and their parents and friends to a rigid set of rules about how they should behave. Sometimes, of course, you do need to act in a certain way. For example, it’s reasonable to think, I really have to study hard for my test tomorrow, or We should go easier on the substitute teacher!
But when teens set unrealistic bars for themselves to meet—or impose expectations on others—they frequently are disappointed, hurt, or angry when those expectations aren’t met. They completely miss that other possible behaviors or outcomes are actually more reasonable and perfectly acceptable.
If you’re an “I should” thinker, you might get really disgusted with yourself after hitting a wrong note playing your trumpet at a school band concert, for example. You might think, I should always play my part without making any mistakes! Or you might feel so awkward at a party that you’re afraid to make conversation, and come home thinking, I should be funnier! Such rigid thinking doesn’t take into account that everyone makes mistakes. Or that being yourself is just fine.
Or if you tend to be a “he should” or “they should” thinker, you might regularly feel hurt or get irritated with your friends. You might think, for example, She should have done a lot more for my birthday, or He should respond right away when I text him. The problem here is that you’re ignoring the reality that your friends are focused on their own lives. Their choices may very well be different from the choices you would like them to make. And that’s okay. There is almost always a whole range of ways that any situation can develop. And there may be perfectly fine reasons for all of them!
Sometimes, the problem is that you set rules for the way the world should work, regardless of what is actually realistic. For example: True friends shouldn’t have arguments. Teachers should never give homework on the weekends.
Getting stuck in such inflexible thinking patterns often leads to feelings of guilt, regret, betrayal, disappointment, depression, and anger. When you apply such rules to your own actions and don’t measure up, you are likely to feel that you have messed up or let others down. This may make you start to withdraw. When you hold other people responsible for acting a certain way, their failure to do what you want may make you angry and resentful. As a result, you may reject them—or they may start avoiding you.
The key to breaking this thinking habit is to take a hard look at your “shoulds” and “musts” and learn to identify which ones are actually your wants and desires and which expectations are sensible and helpful. When common sense tells you a “should” statement is reasonable (for example, “He shouldn’t be driving alone since he only has his learner’s permit”), meeting that standard may be important. On the other hand, when you examine a “should” statement and realize that it is just a reflection of your own preferences, it’s smart to imagine other possibilities. And try substituting a more flexible thought instead, such as It would be nice if … or I’d prefer that … or It would be helpful if … Remember that many different outcomes can be just fine!
The payoff of breaking this thinking habit is that you can begin to be glad about (or at least okay with) what is actually going on in the present. You stop being angry or sad that things aren’t different. That allows you to be more accepting of yourself and others and just more flexible in general. And that makes you a lot easier to get along with. Being more forgiving of your own actions eases those feelings of guilt, which so frequently lead to depression. Plus, being more relaxed about the way things go should improve your relationships with your friends and family members—which will go a long way toward making you happier.
Your goal is to become an “It would be nice if … ” thinker. By catching yourself in rigid “should” statements, and examining and challenging them, you can begin to get away from constant rule-setting. You’ll ask yourself how realistic a “should” thought is and consider what other possibilities are more reasonable. You’ll get the hang of recognizing which “shoulds” are actually just your own personal preferences. As a result, you’ll become more open to letting things happen in ways that are not your way.
Kayla needs to be at school by 10:00 a.m. on Saturday for track practice. She’s excited to be driving herself since she’s only had her license for a week. Unfortunately, a big traffic tie-up halfway to school causes her to run ten minutes late. She immediately feels disappointed in herself and embarrassed for not meeting her responsibilities. “I should never be late!” she chastises herself. The practice has started by the time she gets to the track, and the coach gives her a questioning look. She starts running sprints, but her times are off, and her “I should” thinking leaves her feeling down.
Kayla’s off-target thinking error: While in general it’s good to be on time for practices, in this case, Kayla’s inflexible “should” thought is unreasonable because she is late through no fault of her own. She is holding herself to a rigid set of rules even when it doesn’t make sense.
What she does (or doesn’t do) next as a result of her “I should” thought: She loses focus on the task at hand while in her mind she keeps criticizing herself for being late. As a result, she performs poorly at practice.
How she feels: She feels really down on herself and distracted and loses her drive to do her best.
How her body responds: Her muscles tense up, her jaw clenches, and she feels unable to run fast.
Reality check: What does Kayla say to herself to challenge her off-target thought? She asks herself, “Is being on time an absolute rule, or are there sometimes exceptions? Am I getting down on myself for something that isn’t my fault? Am I making too big a deal of this?” Kayla also notices that having a rigid rule hasn’t helped her at all, but instead has hurt her running time and made her feel bad. She asks herself: “Did I leave the house early enough to make practice under normal circumstances?”
Kayla’s helpful thought and action plan: I’m almost never late. Today it couldn’t be helped. I’ll keep doing my best to be at practice before it starts. But I’ll give myself a break when I don’t have control. Even the coach ran late one time, and I didn’t think less of him!
The payoff: How do the helpful thought and action plan improve Kayla’s situation? By putting her lateness in perspective, Kayla is able to stop feeling so guilty and ashamed for being late. She feels relieved and optimistic that she’ll be on time next week. Like Kayla, you’ll soon see the power of thinking in terms of I’d like to … or It would be nice if … rather than I should or I must!
Activity 1: Practice the Steps
Jake has been looking forward for weeks to playing with his band in a battle of the bands competition to be held at his high school. But a snowstorm in a neighboring county prevents several of the bands from traveling, and the organizers decide to cancel the competition. They warn that it might be impossible to reschedule it. Jake gets so upset that he yells at his brother for playing his video games after school and decides not to bother doing any homework. He snaps at his mother when she asks what’s wrong, telling her that the organizers are just being ridiculous. “So what if some bands can’t come?” he says. “They should hold the competition anyway!”
What was Jake’s off-target thinking error?
How do you think Jake feels? (Circle all that apply.)
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Jealous |
Panicked |
Misunderstood |
Angry |
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Inflexible |
Sad |
Disgusted |
Annoyed |
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Confused |
Alone |
Worried |
Helpless |
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Anxious |
Intimidated |
Stressed |
Irritable |
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Distressed |
Rejected |
Hopeless |
Energized |
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Gloomy |
Hurt |
Disappointed |
Frustrated |
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Miserable |
Neutral |
Enraged |
Satisfied |
Other(s):
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Feels shaky |
Muscles tense |
Gets warm |
Heart pounds |
|
Breathes fast |
Feels sluggish |
Gets sweaty |
Feels dizzy |
|
Stomach gets upset |
Muscles relax |
Frowns |
Gets a headache |
|
Face reddens |
Gets fidgety |
Feels heavy |
Gets stiff |
|
Neck stiffens |
Feels tingly |
Hands clench |
Jaw tightens |
|
Feels numb |
Mouth gets dry |
Feels spacey |
Eyes roll |
Other (s):
Reality check: What can Jake say to himself to challenge his off-target thought? When Jake looks at his “should” statement, he asks himself: “Is it reasonable for me to expect the competition organizers to do what I think they should do? What could they be thinking? Is my point of view reasonable or just my own preference?” Write down what Jake can say to himself after considering these questions to challenge his off-target thought.
Jake’s helpful thought and action plan: I worked really hard getting ready for this competition. It would be nice if it could go on as planned, but the organizers have to worry about everybody’s safety. I hope the competition can be rescheduled for later. But if not, we’ll keep playing and see if we can find another event to perform at.
The payoff: How do the helpful thought and action plan improve Jake’s situation? Consider the impact on his mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
Now that you’ve seen how turning a “should” into an “it would be nice if … ” thought works, try taking these same steps yourself.
Activity 2: Change Your Own Thinking Habit
Remember a time when you set an unreasonable “should” rule for the way you, a friend, or your parent should act. Describe what happened and how your thinking was off-target.
How did this thought make you feel?
How did your body respond?
Reality check: What could you have said to yourself to challenge your off-target thought? Some possibilities: “Were my expectations reasonable in this case? What if I substitute ‘It would be nice if …’ for the should statement? How did having a rigid rule help me? How did it hurt me?” After considering these questions, write down what you could have said to yourself to challenge the thought.
Describe your action plan:
The payoff: How would this helpful thought and action plan have improved your situation? Consider the impact on your mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
By getting better at recognizing when your “shoulds” are actually your wishes, you will naturally become less demanding of others and more forgiving of yourself. The following exercise will give you more practice at seeing the difference.
Read the following “should” statements and put a checkmark next to the ones you think are reasonable. Put an X next to the ones you think are not reasonable and might be better worded “It would be nice if …” In the third column, briefly explain your answers.
| Should Statements | √ or X | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
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I’m the fastest runner on the team. I should always win the hundred-yard dash. |
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My sister was rude. She shouldn’t be so disrespectful to my parents. |
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The history test tomorrow is really important. I should study tonight. |
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I’ve done most of the work on this group project. He should agree with my ideas! |
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She’s friends with my friends, so she should have invited me to the party, too. |
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My parents really should come up with the money so I can go on the school ski trip. |
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I should be able to stay up as late as I want. |
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I don’t care that my grandparents are visiting tonight. My parents should let me go out with my friends anyway. |
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I get good grades, but I should always get A’s. |
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He shouldn’t text while he’s driving. |
Pausing to consider the rules you expect yourself and others to live by is important. It allows you to see which ones make sense and which ones are unrealistic and even harmful. Once you get the hang of doing that, you naturally become more flexible and resilient. That leaves you open to enjoying your life and other people as they are, instead of constantly feeling depressed, frustrated, or anxious about your rules not being met.
Mindfulness is a practice of being present in the moment. The goal is to let go of any thoughts of the past or future and become fully aware of the here and now—of what actually is. By practicing this skill of being completely in the moment, you develop the ability to experience what is happening without judging it, without imposing your ideas of the way things should be. At the same time, you free your mind of regrets about the past and of unnecessary worry about the future. Practicing mindfulness regularly can help you get unstuck when you find yourself thinking endlessly about unhappy events in the past. That type of ruminating contributes to sadness and depression. Becoming mindful can also cut short obsessive worrying about the future that can lead to anxiety.
Bringing your entire focus to the present moment can be difficult to do. It requires you to quiet the endless stream of thoughts flowing through your mind and just be! To become mindful, try sitting quietly with your eyes closed and pay attention only to your breathing, the feeling and the sound of air going in and out. Or listen with all of your attention to the sounds you hear. When your mind wanders, which is normal, simply focus again on your breathing or the sounds around you.
You don’t have to sit still to be mindful. It’s a good idea to practice being mindful in your activities throughout the day. Try focusing intently on each passing moment of your ride to school, for example, or keep your attention on each movement you make as you run or swim laps.
You can download “Be Mindful of the Moment,” an audio meditation exercise, at http://www.newharbinger.com/38891.
Find a wrapped piece of hard candy or a snack food—a bag of chips, for example. Focus all of your attention on it. Hold the item to your ear, and manipulate it gently with your fingers. Notice the sound. What do your fingers feel? Now open or remove the wrapping. What do you hear? How does the food feel in your hand? What does it look like? What range of colors does it have? Now take a sniff. Notice the blend of smells, without trying to think about what they are. Place the candy or a piece of the food on your tongue. Don’t chew—just take a moment to detect the flavor and sensations as the candy melts or the chip softens. Tune in to the taste and the experience of slowly chewing and finally swallowing. When you eat mindfully, or do any activity mindfully, you begin to appreciate your moment-to-moment experience rather than getting stuck in the past or future.
Being mindful is a great way to interrupt problematic thinking. Rather than berating herself endlessly for being late for practice, for example, Kayla might have chosen to shift all of her attention to how the air and her body felt while she was running. Chances are that her performance would have been fine. And breaking that loop of “I should” thinking would have helped her put her lateness into perspective. Staying in the moment without judgment helps you dislodge the sad or anxious or angry thoughts that result from many of the off-target thinking patterns described in this book.
Adjusting your rigid “shoulds” so they become preferences and wishes will go a long way toward making you a more flexible, resilient person. Rather than automatically getting upset when a situation hasn’t turned out the way you think it should have, you become able to consider whether what happened instead is actually okay or even great. You become less prone to depression about your imagined failings. And your friendships will flourish as you become less judgmental and more accepting. When you stop living by strict expectations, you might even find that you begin to enjoy the unexpected!
Remember: