The mind-reading habit is a very common type of thinking error that involves jumping to conclusions without any reason. When you make the mistake of mind-reading, you automatically assume you know what someone else is thinking. And you’re sure that it’s something hostile or unflattering about you. You’re convinced you’re right about what’s going on in the other person’s head without the slightest bit of evidence. Usually you do this without even realizing that there could be other more logical conclusions to consider. In fact, the chances are good that the other person isn’t even thinking about you at all!
Imagine, for example, that you’re at a party and the girl you’re talking to says, “I’m going to grab a soda,” and walks away. What’s your immediate reaction? If you have the mind-reading habit, rather than taking her word for it that she’s thirsty, you might say to yourself, “She thinks I’m boring!” As a result, you might start worrying so much about being boring that it interferes with all of your other conversations. Or you might just walk away from the party and miss out on the fun. It’s also possible that you might get super annoyed and blurt out something sarcastic, causing a tense interaction when your thought isn’t justified.
Or suppose you overhear your mother making a big deal to your grandparents about the A your brother got on his algebra final. Since she doesn’t mention you at all, you think, I guess Mom must really be disappointed in my grades.
Not surprisingly, this type of negative thinking can make you feel really down on yourself. It can also make you feel insecure and awkward in social situations. Teens who worry that other people are judging them critically are likely to start dreading such interactions and avoiding other people. Or they start feeling mad about imagined slights. Over time, mind-readers become more prone to experiencing social anxiety, self-doubt, or anger. When you doubt yourself, it’s very common to be fearful about stretching yourself—to meet new people, to apply for a job, to try out for a team. When anxiety causes you to isolate yourself from other people, your friendships will suffer. And when you misinterpret what other people’s actions mean, it’s very common to respond in a hurt or hostile way that harms your relationships.
The key to breaking this thinking habit is to recognize what you’re doing each time you begin to mind-read. Pause to remind yourself that nobody can read minds. Then, really look at and listen to the other person. What facial expressions, body language, and words are you seeing and hearing? As you try and interpret the situation, look for all the more positive and likely possibilities. Sometimes, of course, you’ll examine the evidence and know that you messed up, and that your friends or parents are frowning at you with good reason. When you read the situation accurately, though, you can take action and handle it.
One of the best effects of breaking this habit is that, when you stop assuming people are thinking badly of you, you become more comfortable and self-confident in social situations. You get braver about taking chances. Rather than avoiding other people, you’ll feel good about spending time with friends and might even be the one to reach out to make plans! Feelings of social anxiety or anger that arise from reading other people’s thoughts melt away when you gather the facts and do a better job of gauging what’s really happening.
Your goal is to become a “What else could he mean?” thinker. Using the steps of cognitive restructuring, you’ll get the hang of stopping yourself from jumping to conclusions about what other people are thinking. The idea is to try to see what is actually going on rather than automatically assuming that other people are evaluating you and making negative judgments. You’ll practice challenging faulty conclusions by coming up with other possible interpretations of the person’s expressions, gestures or actions.
When Nick is getting his lunch, he notices a group of his science classmates eating together at a nearby table. He spots an empty seat at the table and starts to walk toward the group. One of the girls says something that causes a big laugh as they glance in his direction. Nick stops short and tenses up, thinking, They’re laughing at me! He is embarrassed, feels dejected, and heads for another table.
Nick’s off-target thinking error: He is absolutely sure that his classmates are making fun of him. He’s convinced he is right even in the absence of any evidence that the laughter had anything to do with him.
What he does (or doesn’t do) next as a result of his mind-reading thought: He sits by himself and avoids his classmates.
How he feels: He feels anxious and humiliated.
How his body responds: His stomach tightens and his face feels hot.
Reality check: What does Nick say to himself to challenge his off-target thought? Nick examines the evidence that the group is laughing at him. He acknowledges that it’s a possibility, but can see many more likely explanations for the laughter when he challenges his thought. He says to himself: “How do I know for certain what they’re thinking, or even that they’re thinking about me? What else could they be laughing about? They could be talking about school or a funny video. They’ve never made fun of me or given me a hard time before. What makes me think they are laughing at me?”
Nick’s helpful thought and action plan: It looks like they’re having a good time. Since they haven’t ever put me down before, they probably aren’t now. This probably doesn’t even have anything to do with me. Next time something like this happens, I’ll take a chance and sit with them—and find out what’s so funny.
The payoff: How the helpful thought and action plan improve Nick’s situation: By recognizing that he has imagined a situation that is probably not true, he becomes more confident that he’s perfectly likable and would be welcome in the group. Rather than avoiding people, he also feels much more open to reaching out and being friendly with others at school. With practice, you, like Nick, can get better at catching yourself in the habit of mind-reading earlier and earlier. Ideally, you can recognize your thinking error in time to do a quick reality check before you start feeling gloomy, withdraw, and miss out on fun with your friends!
Activity 1: Practice the Steps
One day Emily is studying in the media center. She overhears her good friend Madison ask another friend to go to the movies on Saturday and get pizza afterward. Since Madison doesn’t include her, Emily thinks, Madison must not want to be my friend anymore.
What was Emily’s off-target thinking error?
How do you think Emily feels? (Circle all that apply.)
|
Sad |
Confused |
Annoyed |
Angry |
|
Lonely |
Worried |
Helpless |
Anxious |
|
Intimidated |
Fearful |
Stressed |
Irritable |
|
Distressed |
Uncomfortable |
Agitated |
Gloomy |
|
Tearful |
Shaky |
Panicked |
Rejected |
|
Disappointed |
Mad |
Vulnerable |
Hurt |
|
Frustrated |
Miserable |
Envious |
Hopeless |
Other(s):
|
Feels sluggish |
Fists clench |
Muscles feel tense |
Feels dizzy |
|
Gets shaky |
Heart races |
Feels tingly |
Breathes rapidly |
|
Gets sweaty |
Feels heavy |
Gets lump in throat |
Muscles relax |
|
Hands get clammy |
Stomach churns |
Face reddens |
Gets fidgety |
|
Face scrunches up |
Neck tightens |
Chest tightens |
Stomach gets upset |
|
Feels warm |
Shoulders hunch |
Feels chills |
Frowns |
Other(s):
Reality check: What can Emily say to herself to challenge her off-target thought? When Emily weighs the evidence that Madison doesn’t like her as much as she thought, she asks herself: “How do I know for certain what she is thinking? What are some more likely interpretations of the situation? Do I always include Madison when I make a plan? What would I say to a friend who does this kind of mind-reading?” Write down what Emily can say to herself after considering these questions to challenge her off-target thought.
Emily’s helpful thought and action plan: Madison and I both have other friends, and it’s fine to get together with different people at different times. I’ll call Jessica and see if she can get together on Saturday. I’ll plan something with Madison for another time.
The payoff: How do the helpful thought and action plan improve Emily’s situation? Consider the impact on her mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
Now that you’ve helped Emily break her mind-reading habit, take these thought-correcting steps yourself.
Activity 2: Change Your Own Thinking Habit
Think of a time when you engaged in mind-reading, interpreting someone’s actions to mean he or she was judging you negatively or putting you down. Describe what happened and how your thoughts were off-target.
How did this thought make you feel?
How did your body respond?
Reality check: What could you have said to yourself to challenge your off-target thought? Some possibilities: “How do I know for sure what he or she is thinking? How do I know it’s about me?” Notice what supports your assumption and what argues against it. For example: “What are some more likely interpretations of the situation? What would I tell a friend who is mind-reading like I just did?” After considering these questions, write down what you could have said to yourself to challenge the thought.
Describe your action plan:
The payoff: How would this helpful thought and action plan have improved your situation? Consider the impact on your mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
Taking these steps to catch and challenge your mind-reading thoughts will help you learn to react to what is real rather than to what you imagine is true. And you’ll soon discover that most of the time what you’ve imagined is far worse than reality!
Write a short story about a girl who breaks up with the classmate she’s been dating for three months. The problem that causes their split is that she has been doing some mind-reading. Describe her mind-reading error and include what happens when she realizes her mistake. How does that help her?
As you can see, jumping to the conclusion that someone else is thinking critically about you can have a very bad effect on your relationships. Think about it: Can you ever really be sure what someone else is thinking unless he or she tells you? In general, pausing to weigh the evidence of what is really going on in your interactions with friends and family members is necessary to form and sustain healthy relationships.
Whenever you find yourself believing that there’s something wrong with you, or that someone else thinks badly of you, it can help a lot to treat yourself with compassion. It’s human nature to offer kindness and forgiveness to other people when they make mistakes or do something silly or even hurtful because everyone understands that no one is perfect. Yet it’s often really tough to be similarly kind to yourself. Practicing the skill of showing yourself compassion helps you silence the harsh self-talk running on an endless loop in your mind. That nagging voice in your head—everyone has one—is usually busy harping on all of your supposed failings. But it can be trained to pat you on the back instead. The idea isn’t to make excuses for your mistakes. Instead, you put them in perspective by giving yourself credit for all your good points, too.
Start by reflecting on your best qualities and achievements and also think back on recent slip-ups you’ve made that have bothered you. Then spend a minute appreciating all of the wonderful things about you and accept that you’re going to make mistakes because you’re human. You might say to yourself, “I have many great qualities, and I have family and friends who care about me.” Practice being forgiving: “I can’t believe I said that, but everybody says dumb things sometimes.” As you get better at giving yourself credit, you’ll become more conscious of your many strengths. And you’ll be less likely to jump to the conclusion that other people are judging you harshly.
Write down an example of the negative self-talk you hear most frequently from your inner critic (for example, “That was such a stupid thing to do!” or “They must think I’m a real loser!”).
Next, list five of your strengths. (Use the examples below to get you started thinking.) Write a kind, compassionate statement, one for each of these five strengths, that your inner voice can say instead (for example, “Even though I didn’t do well on the math quiz, I am hard-working and a good student.”).
|
Good listener |
Thoughtful |
Caring |
|
Outgoing |
Creative |
Hard-working |
|
Good friend |
Organized |
Good student |
| Strength | Compassionate Statement |
|---|---|
The advantage to practicing self-compassion is that it reminds you that you have a lot to offer. When you feel good about yourself, you’re less likely to assume that people are critical of you. You’re also less likely to feel anxious or to have big ups and downs in your moods. Giving yourself a break when you make mistakes, and believing that you’re a worthy and capable person anyway, gives you the confidence to persevere when the going gets tough.
Teens who mind-read are often completely wrong in their conclusions. As a result, they feel down or socially anxious, and often withdraw into themselves. When you pause and look for all of the more likely interpretations of a situation, chances are you’ll find a number of possibilities that are not disapproving judgments of you. That more realistic outlook allows you to feel less anxious—and, as a result, you’re open to new experiences and more apt to have fun!
Remember: