The “It’s not fair!” habit is one of the most common thinking errors. When you have this habit, your beliefs about what ought to happen in your life are based on the unrealistic expectation that the world always works according to strict standards of justice and equal treatment—and that you know exactly what those standards are. It’s not fair that I have to study for my test while my brother goes to the movies! you might think. Or It’s not fair that we can’t get a dog when all my friends have dogs! Rather than understanding that life is a complicated and often chaotic journey that’s different for everybody and not always fair, you seem to expect that someone should be keeping score to make sure you don’t get shortchanged. When you think this way, it’s impossible to take other people’s reasons and desires into account or to be glad for them when they get opportunities that you don’t.
For example, teens often expect that they should have all the same privileges their friends enjoy. So when you and your best friend get different curfews, or he gets to take over his grandparents’ old car while you’re dependent on getting rides everywhere, you’re going to feel badly mistreated if you have this habit. “It’s not fair that I have to be home by 10:00 p.m. when Terry can stay out until 11:00!” you yell at your parents. Or “I can’t believe that you won’t let me have a car, too!”
Obviously, there are times when justice is important and worth standing up for. But demanding that your personal standards of fair play must always be met leaves you feeling constantly like a helpless victim and disappointed or angry when reality doesn’t cooperate. This kind of off-target thinking can be very hard on your friendships because you’re often tense and grouchy when you feel unfairly treated. Your relationship with your parents will suffer, too, if you’re often angry about the decisions they make. And feeling like a victim when obstacles arise in your path can cause you to mope around and become depressed rather than learning to problem solve. You miss the chance to be proactive and make the most of your situation—skills that make you more resilient and better able to bounce back from disappointments!
The key to breaking the “It’s not fair!” habit is to remind yourself (until you accept it) that achieving equality in all circumstances is an impossibility. All sorts of joys and surprises and disappointments are in store for you, and you’ll handle the letdowns much better if you can accept what comes and roll with it rather than getting stuck in bitterness. Often, there are good reasons for the decisions your parents or teachers or friends make that you think are unfair. Trying to imagine what those reasons are can remind you that other people’s needs and wishes matter, too. In fact, part of the work of adolescence is to learn how to make changes when life doesn’t go your way, to cooperate with people, and to negotiate. As you practice taking a reality check, you’ll get better at distinguishing between off-target “It’s not fair!” thinking and cases of true injustice that may deserve some attention.
The payoff of breaking the “It’s not fair!” habit is that your anger dissolves as you grow more accepting of the way things are. As you begin to look at and appreciate other people’s points of view, you can start to come up with positive steps to take rather than seeing yourself as a victim. You might ask your parents to consider a later curfew if you make it home by 10:00 p.m. for the next six months, say. And you might decide that if you can’t have a dog, it would be fun to start a dog-walking business. Responding to disappointments creatively rather than angrily feels good. You’ll be a happier person and a better friend.
Your goal is to become an “It is what it is” thinker. By catching yourself in “It’s not fair!” statements and examining whether or not they’re realistic, you’ll let go of the notion that you’re somehow owed equal treatment. You’ll begin to see that other people have reasons for the decisions they make and that it’s more helpful to stop thinking in terms of fairness. Your aim is to take what comes calmly and with an open mind, and problem solve so you can respond to it in a positive way.
How to break the “It’s Not Fair!” habit: Emma has been looking forward all week to going indoor rock climbing with her friend Karima on Friday after school. But just before they leave, Emma gets a text from her mother saying that something has come up at work and she has to stay late to meet a deadline. Emma needs to get home to fix her younger brother dinner and stay with him for the evening. No! Emma thinks. That’s not fair! Because she gets stuck on that thought, she feels miserable for the rest of the evening.
Emma’s off-target thinking error: She immediately and automatically assumes that what she wants is the right and fair outcome. Emma can’t look beyond her disappointment and feelings of injustice to appreciate that her mother and her family also have legitimate needs.
What she does (or doesn’t do) next as a result of her “It’s not fair!” thought: She texts her mother back rudely, accusing her of being unfair. She comes home, but spends the evening sulking and yells at her brother for no reason.
How she feels: She feels furious at first, and is resentful and irritable throughout the evening.
How her body responds: She clenches her hands, and her stomach churns. She tenses up with anger.
Reality check: What does Emma say to herself to challenge her off-target thought? Emma considers whether it’s realistic to believe that life is always fair. She also thinks about whether it makes sense that her wishes always matter more than anyone else’s. She asks herself, “Could Mom help it that she needed to stay at work? Did she change the plans just to be mean to me? I can arrange to go rock climbing another time.”
Emma’s helpful thought and action plan: I’m bummed that I have to miss out on rock climbing tonight, but I can see my mother’s point of view. I’ll apologize to her for being rude. I’ll have other opportunities to do something fun with Karima.
The payoff: How do the helpful thought and action plan improve Emma’s situation? By acknowledging her family’s needs, Emma lets her frustration and anger go. Being willing to go with the flow improves her interactions with her mother and brother and puts her in a better mood. She feels less agitated and stressed out, and her body calms. Simply accepting the fact that life isn’t always fair can go a long way toward helping you relax and feel more positive!
Activity 1: Practice the Steps
Liam and his friend Demarco have been dying to get to the beach, and now Demarco’s older brother, Juan, has his license. They come up with a plan to drive to the ocean early Saturday morning, just for the day. Friday night, Demarco calls to say Juan got a last-minute opportunity to go to a concert of his favorite band and has backed out. Liam is really annoyed at the change in plans. He thinks, This is so unfair!
What was Liam’s off-target thinking error?
How do you think Liam feels? (Circle all that apply.)
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Sad |
Disgusted |
Confused |
Annoyed |
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Angry |
Worried |
Helpless |
Anxious |
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Stressed |
Irritable |
Excited |
Disappointed |
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Uncomfortable |
Rejected |
Gloomy |
Shaky |
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Panicked |
Frustrated |
Miserable |
Envious |
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Hurt |
Enraged |
Furious |
Misunderstood |
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Desperate |
Neutral |
Bored |
Disinterested |
Other(s):
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Heart races |
Gets shaky |
Muscles tense |
Throat feels constricted |
|
Breathes rapidly |
Feels sluggish |
Gets sweaty |
Feels cold |
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Feels tingly |
Hands get clammy |
Feels numb |
Gets headache |
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Stomach feels queasy |
Feels jittery |
Neck feels stiff |
Face reddens |
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Eyes roll |
Feels fidgety |
Feels warm |
Mouth feels dry |
|
Hands clench |
Jaw tightens |
Chest feels tight |
Feels strong |
Other(s):
Reality check: What can Liam say to himself to challenge his off-target thought? Liam is really annoyed that Demarco’s brother is backing out of the beach trip. But rather than staying angry, he tries to understand what happened from Juan’s point of view. He asks himself, “What are Juan’s reasons? What would I do in the same situation?” Write down what Liam can say to himself after considering these questions to challenge his off-target thought.
Liam’s helpful thought and action plan: I really wanted to go to the beach. But I get it that Juan really wants to get to that concert—I’d do the same thing if I were in his shoes. Maybe Demarco and I can hang out at the community pool this weekend and go to the beach another time.
The payoff: How do the helpful thought and action plan improve Liam’s situation? Consider the impact on his mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
Can you see the benefit of forgetting about fairness and trying to see the other person’s point of view? Try taking these steps yourself.
Activity 2: Change Your Own Thinking Habit
Remember a situation from your life when you thought “It’s not fair!” Describe what happened and how your thinking was off-target.
How did this thought make you feel?
How did your body respond?
Reality check: What could you have said to yourself to challenge your off-target thought? Some possibilities: “Is life always fair or equal? What did the situation look like from the other person’s point of view? Were my expectations reasonable in this case?” After considering these questions, write down what you could have said to yourself to challenge the thought.
Describe your action plan:
The payoff: How would this helpful thought and action plan have improved your situation? Consider the impact on your mood, physical sensations, behavior, and relationships.
Much as we might like to always be treated equitably, deep down we know from observation that life just doesn’t always work that way. Simply accepting that fact is a giant step toward breaking this habit. You stop feeling like a victim when you realize the world doesn’t owe you fairness. You begin to understand that you can cope with disappointment. And rather than feeling frustrated and angry, you can look for ways to work toward what you want.
Read the following story. Then consider Alex’s point of view. Try putting yourself in the shoes of his parents and grandparents. What do you think they’re probably thinking? What broader view can you imagine Alex might have after putting himself in their shoes? Write your answers in the spaces provided.
Alex and his brothers have been looking forward to a planned family camping trip to the mountains this summer. They’ve saved up their money to go to the amusement park near the campground and plan to spend a day learning to fish. But the week before they’re set to leave, Alex’s grandmother has a heart attack. His mom heads back to her hometown for two weeks to help her mother recuperate and to cook for Alex’s frail grandfather. She promises the boys that they’ll take the family trip over spring break instead. Alex wants his father to take them camping without her, but his dad agrees that they’ll wait until spring.
Alex’s point of view: “My father could take us—he’s just being unreasonable!”
Imagine Alex’s mother’s point of view. What’s she thinking?
Imagine Alex’s grandmother’s point of view. What’s she thinking?
Imagine Alex’s grandfather’s point of view. What’s he thinking?
Imagine Alex’s father’s point of view. What’s he thinking?
Now imagine what Alex thinks after he puts himself in all these shoes!
Being able to put yourself in other people’s shoes is an important skill to develop even if you don’t have any off-target thinking habits. It helps you feel empathy for other people, and make wiser and more considerate decisions.
As is true with many thinking errors, the “It’s not fair!” habit often leads teens to feel like helpless victims. One great way to learn to stop seeing yourself this way and to increase your feelings of contentment is to practice the skill of being grateful. When you feel mistreated, remember how lucky you are in other ways. Often, when you look hard at your disappointments, you can even find a silver lining. Read each of the “It’s not fair!” statements below, and then under “However, I’m grateful that …” write what you could feel glad about if you were in each situation. For example, when you’re feeling really mad about that 10:00 p.m. curfew, you might write, “However, I’m grateful that my parents care about my safety and how well I do in school.”
| It’s not fair that: | However, I’m grateful that: |
|---|---|
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My friends didn’t agree to my choice of movie! |
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My aunt got too busy to take me shopping! |
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My brother gets to stay out later than I do! |
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We got so much homework over spring break! |
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I have to work this summer, and my friends don’t! |
Remember how you practiced changing your perspective in chapter 8, when you stepped back and looked at the whole carpet rather than just one corner? Practicing gratitude is a very effective way to change your perspective. Seeing all the angles is especially helpful when your narrow view of what’s going on is unrealistic and keeps you from being appreciative of what you have.
The automatic habit of expecting fair treatment only makes you unhappy and angry and hurts your relationships because the world simply doesn’t work that way. Believing that it ought to leaves you feeling like a victim—and frustrated and angry about being a victim. Once you accept that sometimes things will go your way and sometimes they won’t, it becomes possible to react flexibly and problem solve, the hallmarks of a resilient person. And you’ll feel a lot happier and calmer when the anger fades away.
Remember: