The sun poured in through the living room window Sunday morning, shining on the right half of my face until it was red and sweaty, officially prompting me to get up. Molly’s mom walked into the room as I was folding the throw I had used for a blanket and straightening the pillows on the couch.
“Good morning, Janna!”
“Hi, Lisa.” All my friends called each other’s parents by their first names. Maybe it’s a Seattle thing.
“Is everything okay between you and Molly?”
“Why do you ask?” I silently panicked. Had Molly told her mom about my Academy Award—winning performances over the past few weeks? I knew better than anyone that Molly had a nasty, vengeful streak when she felt she’d been wronged.
“Well, for one thing, she got up really early to go running at Green Lake which, as you know, isn’t part of her typical sleep-until-eleven-on-the-weekend routine. And then there’s the small matter that you spent the night out here on the couch,” she said.
“Oh, it’s nothing. We just had a little disagreement last night. It’s no big deal.” I was hoping she couldn’t tell I was lying.
“All right, if you say so,” she said. “Would you like some breakfast? I’ve got granola and yogurt and some fresh blueberries.”
“No thank you. I have to get going. I have a lot of stuff to get done today,” I said.
“Do you need a ride home?”
“That’s okay. I’ll grab the bus.”
Lisa seemed to sense I wasn’t up for small talk, so she padded upstairs. I gathered my things and stuffed them into my bag, heading out a few minutes later.
As I walked to the bus stop, my mind worked to try to make some sense of what exactly happened last night between Molly and me. Certainly this wasn’t the first time Molly and I had gotten into a fight, but somehow this one felt more serious. But why? As I thought about the whole incident, it occurred to me how different Molly and I really were. On top of that, our friendship was unequal as all get out. I mean, if our friendship were a political ideology, it was a dictatorship, not a democracy. And in a dictatorship, only one person is in a position of power. In our case, it had always been Molly.
The electric bus quietly approached and pulled over for me. I climbed on and walked down the aisle until I found an empty double seat. I slid over to the window as the bus picked up speed.
While I was still superupset about the way Molly had tried to force her agenda on me last night, deep inside I knew it was my fault in the first place. I mean, in order to be a successful dictator, you’ve got to have people to govern. And I had all too willingly allowed myself to become Molly’s loyal and unquestioning subject. So what did that say about me? Why had I always been so quick to put other people’s wants, needs, and desires in front of my own? And what had happened all of a sudden that made me finally notice what was really going on with our friendship and take a stand?
I knew the answer to that last one. Janna Ika Ilka happened. And as I sat there, staring out the bus window, I had to wonder why it took me pretending to be someone else to figure out who I really was.
* * *
To say the next day at school was awkward would be an enormous understatement. Molly was an ice queen, the chill in the air nearly knocking me over anytime we came within ten feet of each other. Having Molly give me the cold shoulder would have been bad enough, but the taunting was pushing me to the brink of a breakdown. Specifically, while seated across the table from me at lunch, Molly offered to spare me the difficulty of confessing to Julian by telling him the truth herself. You know, because that’s what loyal and good friends do for one another. I didn’t think she’d go through with it, but with Molly one can never be too sure. Either way, the thought of Molly running to Julian and telling him the truth seriously stressed me out. Oh yeah, and then there’s the fact that all communication between Molly and me was conducted without us actually addressing each other at all. Emmett was our reluctant mediator.
The afternoon was filled with more awkwardness, this time between Ms. Kendall and me when she called me up to her desk after cultural studies class.
“Ms. Papp. I have to say, I was very pleasantly surprised by your extra-credit report! You really put a lot of effort into it.”
I nodded.
“Well, lucky for you it paid off. As long as you do well on the final exam, I’d say you’re in great shape to get a B in the class.”
“Thanks,” I said softly, grabbing the paper out of her hand.
“Thanks? That’s it? I was expecting a little more enthusiasm. Wasn’t this really important to you?”
“Yeah. Sorry. That’s great news, really it is. And thanks for reading it over the weekend.”
I folded my paper and stuck it in my bag as I trudged out of her classroom. Sure, I was glad I managed to eke out a B in my class, but today was the day Molly’s mom had to confirm our plane tickets. And with the way we’d left things on Saturday night, I could only assume that the trip, at least for me, was off.
By the time Emmett drove me home from school that afternoon, I was feeling sick to my stomach. The giddy Julian crush feelings I was still experiencing were becoming increasingly overshadowed by the fact that the fight between Molly and me wasn’t going to blow over anytime soon, and I was afraid of what she might do to make her point.
When we pulled up to my house, Emmett found a spot on the street and turned off the engine.
“All right Jan … seriously. I need to know everything. What’s going on between you and Molly?” Emmett had been doing his best to be Switzerland, but neutrality wasn’t his strong suit. And while in the past week he’d been increasingly distant, the fight between Molly and me actually seemed to revive my relationship with him a bit. Maybe he thought I was finally beginning to regret the charade Molly had pushed me into. Whatever the reason, I decided I needed his help.
“Everything’s such a mess right now, Emm. Molly’s mad at me because she got dumped by Spence, and she thinks that means I should dump Julian, too. She actually told me that if I was a loyal friend, then I would stop seeing Julian. And I’m just sick and tired of her always telling me what to do! It’s like she thinks she can control my life, and since I finally stood up for myself and told her she can’t, she’s pissed off at me.”
Emmett was listening thoughtfully, trying to make sense of the situation. “Okay. Let me see if I’ve got this right. Molly is mad at you because she can’t make you stop seeing Julian. And the reason you don’t want to stop seeing Julian is because Molly is telling you she wants you to? I’m confused,” he said.
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to stop seeing Julian because”—I paused, my eyes filling with tears—“I like him. I mean, I really like him.” I broke off, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket. I’d never cried over a boy before, but then again, I’d never felt this way about a boy before, either.
Emmett leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. He didn’t say anything, so I kept talking.
“And now I don’t know what to do. What if she really does tell Julian the truth about me? I don’t think I could handle him finding out!” The tears were streaming down my face now, faster than my sleeve-wiping could possibly keep up. “I just wish I could make this whole mess go away. I mean, I know that if Julian had met me as just me, he wouldn’t have been interested. But now, what’s the point, anyway? There’s no way he’s going to like me once he knows the truth.” I paused, waiting for Emmett to assure me I was wrong. He didn’t. “Right?”
Emmett opened his eyes and looked at me. I could tell he was sad, too, because his eyes were full of hurt. Wow. I knew he was a good friend, but his ability to empathize was really amazing.
“Look,” Emmett said slowly. “If you really like Julian, you have to tell him the truth.”
“I know,” I answered quietly. I took some slow breaths and blew my nose into a napkin I found on the floor of the car. “But how? How do I tell him the truth without him hating me?”
“I don’t know if you can. But I do know that it’s going to be worse if someone else does it for you. It should come from you and on your terms. Just be honest. That’s the best you can do.”
“What if you were Julian? Would you still like me if I told you what I did?”
Emmett didn’t answer right away.
“I would definitely be pissed. And I would definitely feel used,” he said. “I really don’t know. I wish I could tell you that everything will be peachy keen and hunky-dory, but it really depends on Julian. Of course, if I were him, I would also know that you’re an incredible person and that this little screwup was just a blip on an otherwise untarnished record of good deeds and thoughtfulness and general awesomeness.”
I let a small chuckle slip out between sniffles.
“So, what are you going to do?” Emmett asked me.
I took a deep breath. Emmett was right. It was time for the charade to end. “I’m going to tell him,” I said resolutely. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Of course I have to tell him. And I have to tell him now. The longer I drag it out, the harder it’s going to be.”
Emmett nodded his head in agreement.
“And maybe he’ll see how sorry I am and we’ll still end up together, right?” I asked.
Emmett hesitated before answering carefully. “You’ll find out soon enough.”
I leaned over and gave Emmett a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Thanks, Emm. For listening. For understanding. For being my friend,” I said. “You’re the best.”
“You are,” he said. “The best, that is.” He started up the car. “It’s the right call, Janna. He needs to know who the real you is if you really want to see what’s going on.”
“Yeah, I know. But wait—what about the whole Molly situation?”
“Don’t worry about Molly. I’ll handle her. Anyway, she’ll realize what a diva she’s being soon enough, and then you guys will patch things up. Okay?”
“Okay, I guess so. I’ll talk to you later.” I grabbed my backpack and jumped out of his car. Emmett pulled away as I walked up the steps to my front door. A second later, my phone vibrated. I unzipped the small pocket in the front of my bag and pulled it out. It was a text. From Julian.
How’s my favorite Hungarian girl today?
A flush of warm excitement coursed through my body just knowing Julian was thinking about me. I unlocked the front door and sat down on the love seat. It was time to engage in some digital flirting. Why not? I certainly wasn’t going to tell him the truth via text message, right? I couldn’t leave the boy hanging.
Great. When can I C U?
Don’t you have picture of me on your cell?
LOL. R U always this funny?
Yes.
Want to go to the Market w/me after school this week?
Yes. I wanted to go anywhere with Julian. Maybe that would be the perfect time to tell him the truth.
OK. Sounds nice.
Can’t wait to C U.
Me 2.
TTYL.
Bye!
I clicked off my phone and leaned back in the sofa. What was I doing? Digging a deeper hole for myself, I thought. I sat up and grabbed my backpack, pulling out my extra-credit cultural studies paper. I flipped to the back page of the paper and read Ms. Kendall’s note:
Janna, congratulations on putting together such a well-researched paper. I can tell that you took this assignment to heart, and that’s why I’ve given it an A+. I hope this means your trip to Europe is back on!
I closed the paper and tossed it onto the floor. Too little too late. Oh, well. Maybe not going to Europe this summer means spending more time with Julian. That is, if we were still together. I closed my eyes and willed with all my might for that to be true.