––––––––
Death sucked! Strangely enough, it also felt a lot like being tied to a bed, only without the fuzzy handcuffs and a wussy safe word. Cracking open a zombie eye, I twisted my head around. Oh sweet delicious Gerard Butler! I'd died and gone to quilting bee heaven, or hell depending on your view of such things. My thoughts on the subject leaned more toward the last one. Well, this might be a bit of both. Whoever ran this version of Dante's Hell, decorated the place in Gerry Butler themed quilts. Least I'd have a nice view while suffering for all eternity, especially since one dedicated to his naked backside covered the wall next to the bed.
Readying myself for the pitchforks and dangling participles, it dawned on me that being bitten by a Vamp, death might be the least of my delusional hallucinations. Tugging at the bits of quilt scraps holding me place, I decided to ignore the gnawing in my gut, and the cotton mouth begging for a half gallon of Johnny Walker Red to clear it up. Once I determined that nothing short of a knight in shining armor would get me out of this cluster up the ying yang, I went back to worrying about the elephant in the room.
That Vamp had turned me into a Vamp! He sure had been hungry enough. I didn't care how polite he had been about it, sucking me dry and turning me into one of the life-challenged pushed him straight to the top of my foot right up the ass list. That of course would be followed by a socially acceptable stake to the heart and ritual beheading. I was nothing if politically correct when it came to such matters. Everyone said so, or did after I twisted their arms enough.
Growling, I let my head plop back into the incredibly plump pillow someone had graciously left for me. It had to be one of those memory foam deals, because it felt like heaven. If only the same could be said for the rolling in my tummy. How long had I been tied up anyway? Wait, I needed to get back to the important crap. I was a freaking Vampire! Or, really hungry for raw meat with a copper tinged margarita chaser. Nope, Vampire fit the bill. I liked my steak raw, but not that raw, and I never touched mixed drinks unless ice or Coke counted. Which shifted this conversation back to the fact my life sucked a big one. Not even Gerry smiling seductively back at me could change that sad fact.
Since I had accepted I had started playing for the other team, it left a few other problems on my plate, which I seriously needed to address. Beginning with, where the crap was I? How did I get here? Followed closely with, why was I tied to this freaking bed? I couldn’t have cared less in what order those were answered. I just wanted them freaking answered!
"And, here I hoped the sight of my Gerry would have a calming effect on you when you woke up." I twisted my head around to see Annie Oakley standing in the doorway I hadn't heard open.
Seriously, this character looked like she'd just stepped out of an RKO Western. Jet black hair curled around a cherub-like face Dale Evans would have died for. Her white shirt barely contained a Jane Russell worthy set of attributes that defied description. My eyes were drawn to them involuntarily, wondering if somewhere Dolly Parton was crying her eyes out over the competition. Shaking my head, I caught the rest of the rest of her swaying to and fro in a pair of skin tight jeans neatly tucked into a pair of hot pink cowboy boots with white piping. Okay, it was weird enough to a cause spontaneous embolism, but it didn't distract me from the fact I was being held against my will, and somebody, namely her, owed me a big fat explanation.
"Who the hell are you?" Being tied to her bed, I saw no reason to be nice. Now, if aforementioned Gerry had shown up—Vampire or not—nice, horny, and generally willing and able, compliance would have been totally on the table.
"I'm someone who keeps a shotgun outside the door to deal with foul mouthed guests." Her arched brows narrowed to an angry V. "Now, would you care to rephrase that into something a tad bit more polite, or do I need to get my gun?"
"Best grab the gun, ma'am." Jerking myself as high as the quilt ropes would allow, I snarled into this Hee Haw reject's face. "Because, as long as I'm tied to a bed, that makes me either a hostage or an unwilling sex slave. Both of which will get you in a pine box at my earliest convenience, y'all." I threw that last bit in just to be a total bitch.
"If this were the good old days, I'd string you up out by the barn until you learned some manners, in this life or the next." The woman swung a hip against the open door. "Horse thieves and smart mouth trail tramps being what they are, I'd have gotten away with it."
Okay, she was a little bit scary. If she wasn't holding me against my will, we might have become friends. Me, I held lifelong grudges over stuff like this. "Good thing this isn't the good old days, sister."
"You got that right, or you'd already be pushing up so many daisies Martha Stewart would be green with envy over my flower beds." The woman unhinged herself from the doorway. "So, I'm going to give you one more chance to be civil."
"Marlene." A heavily French accented voice brought the woman to a stop. "I'm sorry for her uncouth language and bearing. Some Americans, it would appear, are more American than others."
"Alex, I love you like an adopted half brother, so let me save you the bother and take her out to greet the sunshine." A wicked gleam sparkled in the witch's eyes. "I got a nice patch out by the mine. We can watch the show from the bedroom window."
"As delightful as you make it sound, the girl is my responsibility." The sap sucker had that right!
If not for him, I'd still be Human. That's what I got for being nice and saving him from vending machine prison. I hadn't even gotten to eat a Twinkie as a last meal. That's what sucked the most.
Which in no way explained the quivering racing through my naughty parts, as he stepped into view. Curly hair the color of a starless night sky fell around his square cut face, dusting his shoulders as the mane came to an abrupt end. Icy blue eyes, clear of the raging red tinge to them, whispered sex, as they ate up my tied up body. A lecherous grin perked his lips into a smackable smirk. By that I meant, smacking it off his face, not kiss them pout and feverish. Although kissing him came in as a close second. The muscles straining at his white tee drew my eyes away from the bad boy face before I could dwell over the five o'clock shadow permanently tattooed to his rugged jaw. If I hadn't been so pissed off, I might have been tempted to take my ire out on him in a viciously sexual form of payback. Until I determined if I was indeed a Vampire, that sat on the drawing board as plan B. Plan A involved staking him with the cowgirl rectally until they were both deader than dirt.
I really liked Plan A. A lot!
Growling, I got the first real hint the Vampire thing might be an actuality. Namely, when two fangs creased my stretched too thin bottom lip. That couldn't be good. Well, good for Vamp boy. Somebody—him—was in for a world of hurt when I got untied. Nobody turned me into a dirty bloodsucker without my consent.
"Francesca, I know this will be hard for you to do, but remain calm and everything will be made clear for you." He had the nerve to pat the air, like that would help his cause.
"How the hell do you know my name? Some freaked out blood transfer that allows you to suck out my thoughts while noshing on my neck!" Well it could happen.
"Your driver's license, but your way sounds more melodramatic." His face crinkled into a charming smile. "But, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way."
"So, you had to settle for rifling through my crap after killing me." The muscles in my neck tensed to thick ribbons as I snarled into his mellow mood.
"This might not be the best time to bring this up, but I am sorry for what happened." He had the nerve to look all pathetic. I bet he didn't have that look when he was sucking me dry like a Capri Sun on a hot summer day.
"Got that right, you sorry piece of sh—"
"Merde, but for a petite beautiful thing, you have a mouth on you." He walked around the bed. Circled it, might have been closer to the truth. "Believe me, chérie, if I could change what happened I would. If I had not been lost in the Blood lust, I could have stopped myself."
"That and five bucks will buy you a Coke and a bag of Zapps." I twisted and snarled at him. "You can shove your 'I'm sorry' and whatever other meaningless platitudes when the sun don't shine along with your chérie. Last time I checked, half-ass apologies didn't cure vampirism. Until you have something that does, feel free to kiss my ass."
"I understand your anger. I once felt it myself. As hard as it might be for you to believe, I wasn't always a Vampire. I started life as Human as you did." He sat on the side of the bed, making me slide into him. "There are two ways we can deal with this. One, I can set you free, and you can kill me. Before you act on it, know that I wouldn't blame you if you did."
"Then, let's forget number two and go with option one." If not for the gnawing in my gut, I would have sounded as ballsy as I felt on the subject.
"As I said, I wouldn't blame you, but number two is the one you're going to go with." He smiled, creating a mind numbing set of dimples beneath his five o'clock shadow. "Because, you are like me. A slave to the job. You get it done, whatever it takes. Finding me isn't even close to accomplishing that."
"Okay, smarty pants." He had me there. Being raised by nuns had given me an over-compensating need to be all I could be, or had it been from dating one too many members of the armed services? Either way, I couldn't leave a job half finished, even if I had been turned into a blood sucking sack of crap for my troubles. Until I found out what he was talking about, I was still in the game. "My mission was to find you. In spite of the life threatening hickey, I did it. Mind telling me why I should let you talk me into extra innings?"
"Well, I do have you tied to a bed." He tugged on the strip of quilting holding my left arm in place.
"Ain't working in your favor, hot stuff." I flashed him fang. I might be new at this, but I knew the basics.
"Didn't think it would." Grimacing, he pulled his hand back.
"Look, let's get some things straight. Turning me into a freaking Vampire totally eliminates your right to flirt with me, look at my ass, and generally breathe in my proximity. The only two reasons you're not sporting a stake in your ticker is because I'm tied to this bed, and I gave my word I'd get you back to Deme." I crooked a finger at him. "In one piece, is still up for operational interpretation."
"I deserve that." He sucked in his bottom lip.
"Yes, you do." I shook my restraints. "Since we've established I'm not going to rend you limb from limb, how about letting me loose?"
"Not quite yet." He stood up and slithered away from the bed. "We need to deal with something first."
I knew it! Something had told me, this would end up being a rehash of Mardi Gras in '01 I could barely remember. By which I meant, tied to a bed with some perv standing over me. Funny how history kept bitch-slapping me by repeating itself in awkward sexual ways.
He laughed. "Don't worry, chérie. Your virtue is not in question."
Hated to tell him, the question of my virtue had been answered a long time ago to the eternal embarrassment of a certain Father Clement. It's not everyday you can make a priest quit the holy orders in favor of a less stressful vocation. Last time I heard, the man was the CIA's top bomb disposal expert. Jerking my brain back from remembering the good old days, I wondered what the crap this blood sucker was rambling on about.
"The gnawing in your gut is getting worse isn't it?" He pointed toward her rumbling stomach.
"So, what? I got the munchies. You try being tied to a bed for God knows how long." Though now he mentioned it, if I hadn't been so busy busting his chops I might have noticed the painfully irritating rolling around where I felt certain my six pack abs used to be.
"It is the thirst." He sank beside the bed on one knee. "As a newborn, your need to feed is all consuming. If left unattended, you will turn ravenous. This will be the case for your foreseeable future." I sucked in a deep breath to match his. "Before I release you, it is imperative for me to make certain you understand even though you didn't choose this, you're stuck with it. As your maker, it falls to me to ensure you survive this period in your new life."
I so didn't like the sound of that. "So, how long are we talking about?"
The gulp his Adam's apple executed I liked even less. "At the very least, a year."
Nope, all that crawled right where my thongs feared to tread. "And, the worst case scenario to all this?"
"I know this is going to be hard for you to take." Again, with the Adam's apple gymnastics. "But, if you don't do everything I say, you will suffer a fate worse than death."
Somehow, it didn't sound like an original pickup line on his part. It felt more like something that would end up biting me in my ass for the rest of my life. Like for all eternity! Yep, it had become clear this relationship wouldn't be able to get over the whole Vampiric elephant in the room. More to the point, I'd already decided to make it my life mission to never let him forget that blood sucking pachyderm. At least not for the next hundred years or so.
"Okay, master. What do I gotta do to get out of this bed?" Just in case this did result in some sexual freakshow, I felt it only fair to keep the fact I could crush a man's head to mush between my thighs to myself. A girl had to keep some things secret.
"Drink this." He pulled a silver cylinder from his jacket. "And, the other three Marlene is downstairs getting ready for you."
My upper lip curled into the base of my nose. "Is that what I think it is?"
"Well, it isn't Kool-aid, mon amour." He twisted off the cap, and my nose went crazy.
The thick coppery scent stained the air. My nostrils flared wide to drink in the heady rush of it. Twin daggers shot into my bottom lip, as agony sliced the gums surrounding my elongated canines. Staring at the shimmering canister, I didn't know if it was my imagination or my heightened senses really showing me a reddish cloud hanging above the opening. I went with imagination because Gerard was winking and giving me a thumb's up from the quilt hanging on the wall.
A growl ripped itself from my core. "Feed me, Seymour."
My lips peeled back as he tipped the bottle over my mouth. This all felt wrong on so many levels. I was a Slayer, not a Vampire. Correction, thanks to him, I was both. The second the rich thick blood hit my tongue, nothing else mattered. Vampire. Slayer. Christina Aguliera impersonator. I could've been that freaking skinny twit from Resident Evil for all I knew. Only one thing mattered. The wash of blood coating my tongue and throat. Every molecule made me want more. With each slap of Coursiane's hand to knock another out stream, a dinner gong went off in my head.
"She's eating. Good."
My head snapped up. The woman was back. I snarled, jerking toward the dwindling flow of blood splashing onto my face. She wouldn't get what was mine. I slammed my arms into the air, ripping the bindings and most of the headboard free. Coursiane scrambled back, but the canister in his hand was empty. I could smell the faint memory of blood clinging to the metal. The coppery nirvana had given way to blah stainless steel. I couldn't drink that. It'd be like sucking on a quarter. The woman, on the other hand, had three more glittering Happy Meals hidden behind her back. Don't ask me how I knew. I just did. All set to jump on a triple-decker dose of bloody delight, like the aforementioned Happy Meals, I was rudely accosted. By that, I meant Coursiane threw his arms around me and locked me in a meaty vice.
"What the fu—"
"Language, chérie." Letting an arm slip from around me, he put a cool hand to my forehead. "Mad Marlene is going to share. There's no need to rip off her head. You'd just piss her off and neither one of us wants that."
"Damn right." She popped the top on one of the canisters and handed it to Coursiane. "Drink up. That rotgut came from my private stock."
She didn't have to tell me twice. By the third bottle, it dawned on me I was drinking actual blood that very well likely came from an actual person of the Human variety. If I hadn't been reaching for bottle number four, I might have thrown my guts up. Instead, what did I do? I kept on chugging. What else could I do? The monster inside me was more powerful than any morals I might have professed to lie about. Most of them were loose and quite frankly not worth mentioning outside the confines of a confessional, no matter what the YouTube videos had to say about the subject.
A hand settled on my shoulder. "That's enough, sugah. Any more and you'll be spewing it back out."
Coursiane squatted down in front of me. "She's right. You'll need more soon enough."
Licking my lips, I nodded. The ache in my stomach was gone. My natural instincts rebelled at being told what to do, but I knew they were right. Until I got this Vampire thing figured out, as much as it rode up my last nerve, I needed them. Which sucked more than the Vampire thing. I hated depending on anyone for anything. Now, I might as well be married for all the screwed I'd landed myself into. I made a mental note to never volunteer for another mission again for as long as I lived, which looked to be for forever. And, believe me, I had a long memory when it came to crap like this.
"Then, one of you untie my feet. I'm not lying here to entertain you." I pushed Coursiane away from my face. He had invaded enough of my personal space for one day. "And, you better be glad, I've still got my clothes on. I don't play that restrictive clothing bullshit. You want to see me naked, you do it the old fashioned way. Get me drunk, and pour me out of them."
"Does four pints of blood count?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me.
Luckily, for him I felt euphoric after a good meal. That meant I only busted his nose. Hey, what did you know? I did it without even breaking a nail.
"What the hell was that for?" He whined, mopping a gusher of blood with his sleeve.
"Because I can't kill you for stupidity or dumbass remarks." I shoved past him and came to a stop in front of Annie Oakley. "Sorry to be rude, but where's your can. I need a shower and thirty minutes of alone time, if you know what I mean."
"Down the hall and to the right." She stepped to the side. "Towels are in the cabinet next to the door."
"Thanks." I ran a hand through my natted up hair. "Any chance you got some spare clothes?"
"None that will fit you, sweetie, but Alex brought your stuff. It's over there behind him." She nodded her head toward the blubbering hunk of bleeding man flesh.
"Mind setting it outside the bathroom door?" I rolled a nasty taste around in my mouth that had nothing to do with blood. "Not sure I can stop myself from giving him another whack on general purposes."
Marlene laughed and slapped me on the back. "Me and you are going to be the best of friends. If only I had a gal like you watching my back in 1874, we could've won the West single handedly."
"Yeah, yippee ki yay." I twirled a finger into the air.
"Thata girl." She banged on my back again. She did it again, and... Well, I didn't know but it'd involve some old west lingo in a very uncomfortable place.
Shaking my head, I just walked away. It was the only thing I could do and stay sane. Too much had gone south in the past few hours sanity had become subjective. They didn't even have the common decency to wait until I got out of earshot to start mumbling behind my back. Apparently, they weren't well versed in Southern polite etiquette, otherwise they'd have known, there was a two doorway rule when it came to backbiting. If a person was closer than two doors away, you kept your trap shut until second door shut. Period! End of subject.
Not like I gave a squat. Things itched. I had blood caked to my chin. A couple other things I was too polite to mention were happening, so needless to say, they could gossip all they wanted. It wouldn't be the first I'd become the talk of the room. Probably wouldn't be the last, either.
Closing the door behind me, I fell against the wall. In spite of my nap and four bottle supper, I felt mortally drained all over. The past five weeks came crashing down on top of me. Even without the Vampire crap slapping me around, I felt tired. I'd been on the run for way too long. First from job to job, now, I was doing nothing more than jerking on St. Vlad's, and what was left of the Vampire Council's, chain. I guessed my loyalties were really split. You couldn't kill Vampires if you were a Vampire, not that I hadn't already thought about giving it a good try. For most people giving up a promising career would be their only option. I planned to make myself the exception to the rule. Hell, I'd made myself the exception to damned near every rule the man had tried to throw at me. Why should this one be any different?
Maybe some part of me was tired of being the exception. I'd never admit it out loud or anything. Didn't mean it was any less true. Slumping over to the toilet, I fell onto the fuzzy covered seat. An embroidered sampler of Gerry shot me a thumb's up from the wall across from me. I broke out in the giggles. I couldn't help myself. It wasn't everyday, you sat down to do your business and found an intricately done piece of needlepoint of Gerard Butler wearing nothing but a kilt staring back at you. The fact said kilt barely covered his highly detailed man parts was a glowing testament to the skill of the artist. Although, even if that dangling participle was anatomically correct, I couldn't imagine... The hell I couldn't! I had a vivid imagination and every ounce of it was set to porn.
"You can look, but don't even think about touching, sweetie. That man is all mine." Marlene dropped my bag at my feet.
"What the hell?" I scrambled to cover myself, even though I was fully clothed. "Haven't you ever heard about knocking, and what if I'd been naked?"
"Then, I'd see basically the same thing I see when I'm naked. Sugah, you ain't got nothin' I haven't seen a thousand times before." She bumped a knuckle against her nose. "Besides, this is my house. That gives me unlimited access to every room in it."
"You're a perv." I slid the bag closer to me with the toe of my boot.
"Never said I wasn't. Everyone has an inner slut. Mine is just closer to the surface than most." Marlene smirked. "Well, when it comes to Gerry, it is."
"You need help. This unnatural fascination with Gerard Butler can't be healthy." Seriously.
"So the restraining order keeps saying, but I ain't started believing it yet." She turned to go. "Enjoy your shower."
"Wait!" I leapt from my perch and promptly tripped over my bag. So much for being a bad ass Vampire.
"Now, aren't you glad those panties weren't around your ankles?" She propped herself against the wall. "Thought you wanted to get naked?"
"I do, but how come you two are doing all this for me?" Kicking my bag, I fell back onto the toilet.
"Because, we're the guys wearing the white hats." She flicked a strand of hair out of her face. "Alex screwed up. With what happened to you, I mean. That's not him. When I was attacked and turned back in '66, he found me. Saved my sorry ass, when I thought I was a goner for sure. I owe him for bringing me back from the brink of madness and for so much more. He's noble in ways you'll probably never understand. I know you hate him for what he done to you. I guess, the real reason I came in here was to tell you to give him a chance to prove it to you."
"You'll forgive me if I say I find it hard to do at the moment. I had a life, a short one, but a life nonetheless, and he took it from me." Letting the frustration flow from me, I threw my hands into the air. "And, left me with this."
"What?" Marlene shook her head. "He gave you immortality, not a raging case of the clap. Damn, girl! You ought to be thanking him, not busting him in the nose."
"It wasn't my choice. That's the thing." I dropped my face into my upturned hands. "I just wanted to be me."
"Did you get a choice whether or not you got born? Did you choose to get orphaned or tossed in a nunnery? Sorry, but you talk in your sleep and I like to eavesdrop, which doesn't change the fact I'm right." Marlene pulled in a nasty sounding snort, before spitting a wad into a spittoon I hadn’t noticed. "None of us gets much of a choice in life, girl. We make too many mistakes as it is, without laying claim to things outside our control. You were doing your job and shit happened. Them's the breaks. Way I see it, you can sit there and get your hate going for everything and everybody, including yourself, or you can roll with the punches and accept that life can be anything you want it to be."
She was right in a foul-mouthed magic eight ball sorta way. She had one thing wrong though. I'd been hating myself for so long, it'd become second nature. You can't get tossed into the system without developing some serious abandonment issues, not to mention a crapload of self-esteem issues. Fortunately, I was so fabulous my self-esteem equaled fifteen of those normal hot females of the species. That was one of the reasons I didn't go in for those long meaningful relationships. Being this fabulous, I owed it to the world to spread myself as thin as possible across the male population. It goes without saying, I planned to keep telling myself such delusions until they became true.
"Ahem." Glancing up, I managed to catch the tail end of her heading out the door. "I'm going to leave you to chew on that. Come on down once you get yourself cleaned up and dressed. There's not much time left before you two need to hightail it out of here."
"Okay." I nodded, still running the commentary in my head.
The closing of the door didn't even register. I'd just become something way worse than a Vampire—introspective. From practical experience, I knew examining your life lead to only one thing. It was finding out what that one thing might be that scared the living crap out of me.
Standing up, I turned on the shower and swore to myself whatever happened I planned to avoid doing just that. Now, if the same could be said of a certain French Vampire, my life would be a whole lot less complicated. Because, under all the bluff on my part, I'd seen something which made my soul straight up wither. If given half a chance, I just might find myself falling for my own murderer.
If that didn't scream SyFy movie of the week, I didn't know what did. I tended to avoid Lifetime if at all possible, or I'd be blaming them for my outbreak of dumbassity. Although, if this kept up, I still might, and throw Oprah under the bus, too.