I am far more grateful than I can say to Sonny Mehta, for giving me the chance to write this book, for his comments and encouragement, and for his kindness. Also to Dan Frank, for his superb guidance and care, and to Betsy Sallee, who helped with a million and one things. And to Erinn Hartman, Kim Thornton Ingenito, Kate Runde, and Angie Venezia, who keep me happily busy and who always know the perfect thing to say and do. And to Paul Bogaards, Gabrielle Brooks, Carol Devine Carson, Robin Desser, Edward Kastenmeier, Chip Kidd, Stephanie Kloss, Nicholas Latimer, Cassandra Pappas, Victoria Pearson (including for the epigraph), Anne-Lise Spitzer, and Sean Yule. And to Chris Gillespie and the awesome Knopf sales team.
I’m equally blessed to have Two Roads as my UK publisher. Lisa Highton is a miracle: great friend, great publisher, and great drinking buddy. Thanks, too, to Fede Andornino.
I’m perpetually grateful to the remarkable team at Brockman Inc.: Max Brockman, John Brockman, Katinka Matson, Russell Weinberger, and Michael Healey.
In many ways, this book grew out of conversations with Alice Truax. She challenged me, coaxed me, and helped me at every turn throughout the entire process. Her contributions to this book and my life are enormous. There is no one better to have in your corner than Alice. She amazes me every time we talk.
Several friends read the manuscript at various stages. Marty Asher and Betsy Lerner gave me massive amounts of their time and genius. Lisa Queen is the person I turn to again and again when I need help writing, thinking about writing, or avoiding writing. She is one of the wisest people I know, and also one of the most generous.
Lin Yutang’s youngest daughter, Hsiang Ju Lin, spoke with me for hours. She and her sister Lin Taiyi also allowed me to bring Lin Yutang’s The Importance of Living back into print when I was at William Morrow.
Mimi Baer helped me with the section on her son David; Emily Harkins Filer shared wonderful stories about her daughter, Lee Harkins. I’m blessed to know them both.
The clever and resourceful Chloe Sarbib helped me with myriad tasks. Thanks, too, to Fred Courtright.
At work, I’m lucky to have an incredibly supportive boss, Andrew Weber, and terrific colleagues, including Kara Rota and Bryn Clark.
I’m also deeply blessed with wonderful friends. A few who were particularly helpful on this book were Tom Molner and Andy Brimmer, who continue to fortify me, amuse me, and house me during the summer; Molly O’Neil Frank, whose midlife calling to the chaplaincy inspired me; and Bill Reichblum, who has over decades introduced me to many of my favorite books (and beverages). And conversations with the following friends helped me on various chapters: Kedron Barrett, Rich Benjamin, Doris Cooper, Elisabeth Dyssegaard, Laurie Eustis, Jonathan Galassi, Emily Gould, Sara Holbrook Guggenheim, Hpoun, Zareen Jaffery, Walter Kaiser, Mollie Katzen, Larry Kramer, Jamie Lustberg, Bob Miller, Nahid Mozaffari, Marco Pasanella, Rebecca Robertson, Erika Robinson, David Shipley, the Tutorial, Will Winkelstein, and Naomi Wolf.
Some of the book was auditioned at Bob and Sally Edgar’s dinner table. Bob was a spectacular teacher, and he and Sally are spectacular friends. I also want to thank my pals Rocco DiSpirito and Rick Brenders for helping me look after myself. And immense thanks to Josef Astor for the epic gifts of his friendship and photography.
I can never sufficiently thank my father, Doug Schwalbe, for all he has done for me, and also for so many great conversations over many decades. Apple’s motto is “Think Different.” My father is someone who has always done exactly that. And my mother is also present here on every page.
I owe unbounded thanks to my brother, Doug, and my sister, Nina, for their constant love and support. Also to Sally Girvin and Nancy Lorenz. And to my aunts and uncles, cousins, godchildren, niece Lucy, and nephews: Nicolas, Adrian, Milo, and Cy.
And then there’s my husband, David Cheng. There are no words that can describe what he means to me. I could “count the ways,” but I can’t count that high.