Julian was frustrated by my ability to force him out. He had said not a word to me on the carriage ride home from the inn. I sat sipping my port watching as he paced his office. I was surprised when the butler showed Paetus into the room. Without preamble, the two of them seized me and pulled me to the desk. Standing behind me, Paetus stripped off my gloves and grasped my forearms. Julian opened the doctor’s book to the half page that Sally had torn and eaten. Paetus forced my hand down onto the handprint, which matched my own perfectly.

Julian threw up his hands and then ran them through his hair, making it stand out in unruly curls. He looked like a madman. “I will ask you again, do you know where your first born resides?”

I was grateful to Sally who had seen this coming. I had not considered Paetus and his gift of touch. I answered honestly, “I do not.”

“Do you deny that is your handprint, stamped on the page that should hold the location?”

“I do not.”

“And yet you say you had no idea that you had a child at all?”

“I swear to you that I knew nothing of it until the day you examined me and told me I had carried a child to term and birthed that child. I was surprised by that news. And a little upset that my dark spells could have stolen such an event from my memories.” So far so good.

“I am taking your body out tonight with Paetus. He has some…entertainment set up for me.”

“No, you can’t!” I knew that his version of entertainment would leave me battered and endanger my unborn. Julian raised his hand to strike me for my impertinence. I had thought to thwart his desires, and with Paetus to witness it, no less. “I am with child,” I explained honestly because Paetus was still touching my skin.

Julian looked disbelieving. Without a word Paetus picked me up and carried me through the house, out into the courtyard and to Julian’s medical offices. I allowed them to put me on the table, my legs in stirrups. I knew they wanted my children more than anything and I was safe as long as Sally was right about my condition.

Julian and Paetus hugged once the information was confirmed. They began to talk fast and I knew it was about their plans for my baby. I interrupted, “I do not want my children to be Carriers.”

“They will be Carriers by nature because their mother is a Carrier.”

“I mean that I do not want them treated as Carriers for you to ride.”

Paetus tried to reassure me, “I have bought your first female child as my wife.”

“No. I won’t have her traded as a slave and treated as a brood mare.”

Julian joined the conversation, “I do not understand your attitude. Women are the property of their husbands and before that, their fathers. If I was a regular human man, I would decide on the groom of all our daughters. The law states when we were married you and I became one flesh—one person and that person is me. I will make our decisions and you will live with it or waste your life in a futile fight. As it is, you will be allowed to raise your children in the luxury that I provided you and with all the spoiling that Paetus’ ever-increasing wealth can provide.”

“There are herbs a woman can take to make her lose a child, and even ones to make future conception impossible.” I threatened them without thinking.

Paetus gasped at the thought that I might have found a way to ruin myself. Julian got red. They spoke in their foreign language and seemed to come to some decision and then my husband turned to me. “Remember when you are trapped in that terrible place you say you go when I ride you that I did not want to trap you there. You have no one to thank for what is about to happen but yourself, Ramillia.”

Paetus got a scalpel from a nearby tray and sliced Julian across his forearm in a circle just below the elbow. While he repeated the process on the other arm, Julian forced the wound onto my mouth. Though I did not want to, I swallowed his blood.

 

I sat up, passing through the coverlet as I always did when in Sally’s memories. I was in my bedchamber. Julian was there as was Sally. This was a memory that hadn’t been shared with me yet. This was the second time I had pushed Julian out of my body. The first he dismissed as an accident. When it happened again, he became enraged, striking me. Sally had come to my aid. This was that night.

Sally was badly beaten and she seemed almost happy for the blows. This was infuriating to Julian, who escalated his violence. That probably had something to do with our gifts of touch working against one another. Julian was so excited, so worked up, that he couldn’t stop himself and Sally was so at ease that the pain didn’t matter. I noted that Julian was careful not to land any punches to the body. He didn’t want to damage the mechanics of his Carrier factory.

I went for the window but instead of falling through the darkness, I landed on the bed again. I looked around at the unchanged scene. Julian was screaming at Sally, demanding to know who she was and how she’d gotten into his Carrier. He began to detail the tortures he would put me through, threatening to pull out my eyes so that I was an unsuitable Carrier for Sally or anyone else. He would just have me raped repeatedly, impregnated. Then he would have all the Carriers he wanted.

I was of no importance to him except for what I could provide. If Sally, per chance, found her way inside one of the children he would kill them also. He would erase every Carrier with even a trace of bond with Sally. Sally would not win, he claimed. He would prevail, even if he had to take this body, my body, as his permanent vessel.

Do not worry, Ramillia. Julian does not win. We do. She spoke to me in her silent way so that the Julian of her memories could not hear.

“But why, when I went out the window, did I end up back in bed instead of back in my body as has happened every other time?” Julian couldn’t hear me. I wasn’t really there. I was only watching the memory of an event that had already happened.

That is my doing. You cannot go back just yet. I need you to stay long enough that Julian thinks he has succeeded in possessing your body. It is imperative that he complete the procedure.

“I can’t just watch him do that to you while I wait. Do we have to be here? Can we go to the time when you’re pregnant?”

This is not our choice. We must be here in my memories unless you can break us out. Only you can take us from here. This, the pain, is all I have to share but you, Ramillia, have a lifetime of, if not happy ones, then painless memories.

I did not know how to do that. I could not affect even small things here. How could I get us out? I wracked my brain. Then inspiration hit. Sally had all the control, all the power, here. I had to take these memories back from her before I could share mine with her.

I went over, close to Sally. Her swollen, purple eyes opened as much as they could and she looked at me. Be sure this is what you want. Once it is done, once you and I share our memories, it cannot be undone. We will share every waking moment. This is your life and I, your servant. You could just as easily kill me and take my memories as your own, reclaiming yourself as a whole.

I laid down in the same space that Sally occupied. “You have done so much for me. You deserve better than to be destroyed or forced to live in the pain.” I still could not feel the pain that Julian was doling out. I concentrated on this day. I tried to remember what had happened after Julian had struck me. I tried so hard, willing myself to remember, that I shook with the effort. No. That wasn’t me shaking. The walls trembled.

This time, Sally did not stop me. She did not keep me from recovering her memories as my own. I did not fly through a window. I stayed there. This small world Sally existed in shook at first and then it bent and stretched, pulling itself to join my reality. I saw everything at once. All versions of Sally, from my first scraped knee to the pain Julian had put her through, crowded around me. They moved to occupy this same space. Every bad thing that had ever happened to me was revealed.

The pain was intense. All the wounds Sally had taken for me, the molestations she’d sustained, the bruises she’d endured, they all became my own. Compressed into one split second, the agony was almost too much to bear. I barely had the mental capacity to doubt my decision.

It felt as if the world exploded. There was pressure on my body and fire in my thoughts and when it burned out I found myself laying in a field. Sally was beside me and we held hands, enjoying the soft grass, cool breeze, and ultra-blue sky. We wept at the beauty of this moment. It was ours and for the first time Sally and I were happy.

 

I do not know how long I spent in that beautiful place with her. We talked and took strolls through the most pleasant of my memories. They were entirely new to her and I was happy to play tour guide. We even enjoyed my early memories of Julian. They were good, after all, I had loved him even if he had made a spoony of me.

I had been anxious to get back, fearing that Julian was using my body to get closer to finding Dawn. Sally assured me that that was not going to happen. Dawn was safe and the instant I returned to my body, Julian would cease to exist. He had gambled without understanding the rules of the game and now the house would collect.

The way an Incola changed bodies, Leonus had explained, was to go into the body of your choosing and then mutilate and kill your previous body. He had feared that was Julian’s plan. No one, save Julian, had known that I had the ability to push out any Incola. His fatal mistake would be that he would be leaving himself no place to be pushed to. He would destroy his body and then he would die when I decided to push him out.

I woke in my own bedchamber. No harm had come to my body. Sally had assured me it was in no danger because of the baby I carried. Julian had treated it with extreme care. I found papers on my desk, delivered by his attorney, detailing the inheritance order according to the entail. Julian, ever the wealth and power chaser, had ensured that “our” child would inherit if a male. If there was a girl born, she would marry Thaddeus’ son, who was Julian’s current heir.

Thaddeus had a son before he died.

I added it to the list of things Julian was not completely honest with me about and vowed I would find this boy and ensure he did not become a slave-like Carrier. A slightly battered Moira was there in my chamber and I hugged her without reservation. She was timid but warmed quickly when I assured her that it was me and that the bad “me” was long gone. Julian was dead and could never hurt her again. She helped me get dressed.

I was not yet starting to show my condition and could put on my normal corset stays. The tightness and support was as comforting then as it was when Hester first fitted me with them. They were my armor and kept me protected from the outside world. I would have specialty ones made for my pregnancy, and a new wardrobe too.

It wasn’t only my corset that felt tight. Having Sally occupying the same space as me was different than her being delegated to her own. It was snug, for want of a better word, though I found it too was a comfort. I would never be alone again. I would never lose my friend.

Once fitted, Sally claimed I needed to make my appearance. We had a whole household that thought I was Julian and keeping it that way would be no easy feat. Luckily, Julian had never been very chummy with his Carriers. Maybe I could get away with being stoic. I was no actor and Sally laughed at me when I thought that my only hope was that he had been practicing behaving like me.

I would need to steer clear of Paetus. His gift of touch could be our undoing.

I made my way down the grand staircase and headed toward the breakfast room. The steward waited for me there. He rang for my meal to be brought upon my arrival. The first footman served me. When I thanked him, he started to call me Lord and quickly corrected himself.

“My apologies, Lady Brooksberry.” He trembled slightly, as if afraid of his punishment. When I did nothing he quickly retreated to stand near the sideboard.

The steward spoke up then. “His mistake will not be repeated, my lady. We all know how important appearances are. There will be no slip-ups from the staff by the time you decide to receive callers.”

I dipped my head to him and he removed the cover from my plate. At first the smell made my stomach growl and then it did a little flip. A sickening warmth spread through my abdomen and my lips felt cold. Sally took over and grabbed the cover from the steward. She flipped it over and got sick into it. Morning sickness, she told me silently, is the bane of every pregnant woman’s day. She handed the disgusting cover over to be carried away and said aloud, “No meat before noon. Well-cooked eggs are acceptable, though never cooked any less than. Bring me fruit with sweet cream and toasted bread with preserves.”

After eating, I went into my drawing room. I was going to pretend to read while I conferred with Sally on our next course of action. I did not have time. The steward announced, “Sir Paetus Crowley,” and Paetus appeared. He bowed to me and sat across the room. It would seem that I would not have to deal with his gift of touch simply because he did not want the effects of my own gifts to affect his day.

The steward laid a package, long, narrow, and flat, on a table near the door and left. When the servant had left us alone, Paetus laughed. I smiled at the sound, wondering if it was what Julian would have done. “Scarcely a fortnight has passed and your mourning is done already?”

I looked down. I had forgotten with my newly widowed status, I should have worn my mourning black only. I had dressed in a comfortable pink that was highly inappropriate. Before I could speak, Paetus dismissed his previous statement with a wave and said, “Of course you were not expecting any callers and should not have to deal with any for some time.”

“Save you, of course.”

“I come bearing gifts, otherwise I would never have visited. It is highly improper for a bachelor to visit a widow during her mourning. I will not bother you again until society would be accepting. Seeing as I am already here, I would talk a while. How are you, old friend? How do you find your new body?”

“You should address me formally, or at least by Ramillia, even when we are in private. It will help you when I make my re-entry into society. And I find this body quite acceptable, but its current condition is wearying.” My eyes went to the package. I wondered what it was. Should I already know? Would Julian have known?

Paetus saw my gaze and rose to collect the object of my attention. “It is for the child, the children, that you took that body. We could not let the previous owner even think about thwarting our plans. She did not know how valuable her ability to produce Carriers was.” He laid the package on my lap and returned to his seat. “Though I haven’t looked, I know they are beautiful. The tanner is the best and they were made to your specifications.”

I carefully removed the brown wrapping paper and then opened the box with the tradesman’s mark. Inside lay a pair of leather, elbow-length gloves. They were a very pale beige color and entirely devoid of decoration. Nevertheless they were quite beautiful. I could not help but touch them and I was not disappointed. They were as soft as possible. These were, by far, the nicest gloves I had ever seen.

“Try them on,” Paetus urged. He went into the hallway while I complied and came back with a footman. The leather was even softer on the inside and I reveled in their comfort. The footman approached and took my leather-bound hand in his. He sighed and then brought the back of my hand to his cheek.

I watched this action and saw that my touch was satisfying, calming, to the servant. I looked at the gloves and noticed an oddity. Save the few stitches across the top of each fingertip, there were no seams at all. There were no places where the shape had been cut from a larger piece of leather and sewn together. I pondered what that meant.

These did not come from a larger piece. They were made in one piece and from an animal hide that had a hand just like mine. I put the puzzle together in my head. These were made from a human’s skin. I kept myself from gasping in horror at the discovery, but the thought turned my stomach once more. I dismissed the footman, whose half-lidded eyes and slow gait told me whose skin they were made from.

I lost my breakfast into a nearby urn.

Paetus apologized. “I should have left them with the tanner longer so the aroma was not as pungent, but I knew you would be excited to see and test them. I am honestly surprised they retain any of the gift of touch you enjoyed in your previous body.”

“But that body was destroyed, wasn’t it?” Sally asked because she was terrified. If the body was out there, even mutilated, it could heal and Julian would have a place to return. Our nightmares would start again and this time Julian would be onto us.

“Of course, my friend. I would never endanger your hold on this body like that. After you left to gain your alibi, though I don’t know where a woman could go in the middle of the night that could provide an acceptable exculpation, I bashed the head in and took the small amount of brain needed for the tanning, pulled the rafters down in your offices, and set the place on fire. I personally watched your ruined body burn. I made sure there was nothing left except this.”

I threw up again at the thought of Julian’s battered head spilling its mind onto the floor of his offices. Thoughtlessly I put my palm to my forehead and the calming effect of Julian flooded my senses. Paetus must have thought I used it on purpose. He sympathized, “I see what you mean about your exhausting condition. Come back to the club whenever you can. Let me know when your memories start to go. Perhaps reminiscing with me will allow you to keep them longer.”

 

I sent Moira out for errands and she came back with both a seamstress to take measurements for my mourning-maternity wardrobe and a message from Leonus. I read it while the draper went to work. The message was brief, having been written while Moira waited. It said he was glad I was feeling “like myself again,” which was the phrase I used to tell him that I was me and not Julian, and for us to set up a meeting.

I had no idea what the meeting was for, though Sally knew. She wasn’t telling, though, since Paetus could show up at any time and demand all manner of information from me. I dressed in my best and dullest black when the day came. I rode to the meeting address with apprehension.

When we stopped in front of a terrace, I was quickly ushered inside. The inside was much more luxurious than the middle-class outside appeared. Sally told me that Leonus had been lying to Paetus and Julian. He wasn’t poor and he gained all his wealth through hard work. He and his Carriers pooled their money together to ensure a better life for the collective. He owned not only this terrace, but every row of houses on this street and the two to either side of it. His residence was at the heart of his Carriers’ homes. He was completely safe here and so was I.

Leonus greeted me and I was shown into the parlor where a drably dressed older woman stood waiting. I noticed that her skirt tilted to one side before seeing the tiny hand clutching at it. I covered my mouth. Could this be her? Sally answered, That is our Dawn. I gave her location to Leonus when we met him in Darville’s inn. He has been protecting her.

An adorable face, surrounded by golden curls much like mine, peeked around the gray skirts at me. Sally sat us down on a nearby settee and patted the space next to me. The woman pushed the girl out in front of her toward me. I didn’t move. I did not want to scare Dawn on our first meeting. Not when who knows what horrors she had endured in her five years.

I had an uncontrollable fear take over and blurted out, “She wasn’t r-ra…”, except I couldn’t finish the question. I did not know how I would live with myself if she had been abused and raped as Sally and I had.

The woman, a high-priced nanny I guessed, said, “No, my lady. Though she was in a house of ill repute, she was not used in that manner. It seems the women there, such as they were, had enough honor not to allow any man to buy her or even see her. She has never felt the strap nor fist. As far as we can tell the worst she sustained was being underfed.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding and I watched my daughter approach. Dawn was tall for her age and very thin, as if her flesh could not keep pace with her bones. She had my face. No trace of foreign features betrayed the identity of her father. When she built the courage to sit beside me, I held out my gloved hand and nearly wept when she took it. Sally reached into our reticule and pulled out a bracelet. I put it on Dawn’s wrist and showed her how pretty the jingles sounded. She smiled.

I told her they were not half as pretty as her smile. I declared I was her mother and that she had been taken from me. I had never wanted to give her away and I would spend every waking moment from then on loving her and protecting her. I patted my belly where her sibling grew and told her she was to be a big sister. We were to be a real family.

A mother’s love is hard to numerate. I had only seen Dawn in Sally’s memory and then only for a few moments and yet I loved her in so great a way that I cannot describe. The device pinned to the inside of my bodice glowed so blue that it shone through the dress fabric. I knew then that my feelings for Dawn were true. There was nothing affecting my emotions that could be brought to doubt. I did not manage to hold back the tears when she threw her arms around my neck, the beaded bracelet twinkling gaily.