CHAPTER FOUR

I wake up the next morning with anxiety still thrumming in my chest. The sky outside is a perfect bright blue, the sun streams in, and my room smells like flowers—but all I can think about is that list. I have to catch the bus to practice and then head straight down to Magnuson Park afterward, which means I have to get moving now to get everything packed. So I drag myself out of bed, grab my phone, and blast some music to wake myself up.

Everyone is gone already, of course. Dad works for one of the local unions and Mom’s a social worker, so they leave early. Sam is at art camp, and Ella has a shift at the bookstore. She came home yesterday buzzing with excitement. Thanks to her, I now know exactly how to ring up on a cash register.

I heat up a breakfast burrito and carry it back upstairs, eating with one hand while I rummage through my dresser with the other. Finally, in the last drawer (of course) I find my swimsuit wadded behind some pants.

I set the burrito down and hold up the suit. It’s a cherry-red one piece with a halter top. I like it because it looks like something a pinup girl from the fifties would wear.

My body’s definitely changed from last summer, though, because when I pull it on, it’s way too tight. The pinch under my arms and around my thighs is very unpleasant. This isn’t going to work at all.

So I do the logical thing: I raid Ella’s closet. I know she hates it when people go in her room without asking, so I send her a text because I’m not a total jerk, but I don’t have time to wait for her approval. Besides, it’s not like I’m taking her new one. I find the one from last summer—the two-piece with the emerald-green high-waisted bottoms and the floral-print top that I always thought would look great on me—and it fits perfectly.

But as I pack my bag, my chest gets tighter and tighter, until I can’t stand it anymore. Deep breathing isn’t helping.

I head down to the bus and shoot Talia a text. Morning!! Beach Day!! Maybe I can fake it ‘til I make it.

She texts back immediately. Cute girls here we come! You ready?

Oh god, she’s totally excited about this. But I don’t want to lie to her. Umm . . . yes and . . . I’m super anxious :(

OMG ME TOO

I laugh out loud, relief blooming in my chest. Do you still wanna do it?

Yes, totally. It’s ok if we don’t get anyone’s info though.

Absolutely. I put my headphones in and pick my music for the ride, bobbing my head as the beat kicks in. I feel less anxious, but it still feels like a lot of pressure.

I text her again. You know how we talked about taking it in steps? Maybe today could be recon or something? Like just seeing who looks cute and stuff.

The ellipses pop up, showing me she’s typing, and for a moment I feel so nervous I get nauseous. I don’t want to disappoint her.

But I don’t have to worry. This is Talia, and we have the same brain.

OMG, yes please, she says. Also the list is way harder than I thought it would be.

SAME, I say, adding a laughing emoji. The tightness in my chest eases up a little.

You’re the best, Talia says, and I smile down at the screen.

No u, I say back, and slide the phone into my pocket. The lake shimmers in my mind, deep and cool under the hot sun. This is why I love Talia. We understand each other.

Once practice is done, I change into my suit in the locker room and hop a bus to Magnuson Park. The day is warm but breezy, and the bus isn’t too crowded. I get off at a stop near the park entrance and text Talia to let her know I’m heading to the meeting spot. The park is a large stretch of meadows, sports fields, a dog park, and shoreline along the northwestern edge of Lake Washington. I head down the main road, across one of the parking lots, past a group of people playing ultimate frisbee, and down a trail that winds through the trees until it finally lets me out on the wide paved path that follows along the lake. The water is a perfect blue green, the sky light blue with wisps of cloud, the sun warming my shoulders.

People are already lining the lake’s edge, a lot of them groups of kids our age. I head north until I see Kite Hill and the bathrooms right across from it, and I start looking for my friends.

“Hayley!” I whip my head around and see Kevin waving furiously at me from the lakeshore. I veer off through the grass and around people’s blankets and he heads straight for me. It’s not until I’m too close that I realize he’s soaking wet.

I shriek, but he’s already wrapping his long, skinny arms around me, giggling like an evil scientist.

“So cold!” I yell.

“Got ’em!” he crows.

“You’re such a jerk,” I say, grinning, as he releases me and runs away back into the water with a whoop.

I lay out my towel next to the others at the spot they’ve claimed and scan the shore. Kev and Bri are having a splash fight in the shallows, and I can see Jacob floating on his back a little farther out. But where’s Talia? I squint out a little farther, and spot her, swimming back from the buoy.

Around us are several other groups, one of mostly boys, one a mix, and then a smaller group of girls farther down from us. I shade my eyes and try to look like I’m just casually observing the scene, not checking them out.

“Hayley! Get in here!” Kev yells.

“I have to put on sunscreen!” “Well, hurry up!”

I pull off the shorts and T-shirt I’m wearing over my swimsuit, dig the sunscreen out of my bag, and start slathering it on. I don’t want a repeat of last summer’s early season burn.

The group of girls are chatting away about something, laughing every so often. Three of them are Black, one looks Latine, and one is white, as far as I can tell, and they’re all wearing bright colors, like an array of sherbet ice creams. The white girl has green hair, and one of the Black girls has short-cropped curls and orange board shorts. Possible signs of gayness. Excellent. Although, the other girls could be gay or bi, too. And they might not be girls; they could be nonbinary, which is fine. I’m into nonbinary people, too. I know a lot of people don’t think I’m queer when they look at me, just because I have long hair and don’t dress alternative. But my style is queer because I’m a lesbian and I’m wearing it. And I wouldn’t want to miss out on a potential date just because I assumed they were straight.

“Hi.”

I look up at Talia and grin. “I saw you way out there.”

She smiles, still breathing hard. “Yeah. Look at my new suit!”

The top is a light peach halter with a high neck, and the bottom is leopard print with a short skirt that skims the tops of her thighs. It took Talia a while to find a swimsuit style she felt comfortable in after coming out, and seeing her so happy in this one makes me smile, too. “It’s so cute!”

“So is yours. Is that Ella’s?”

I laugh. “Yeah. Mine didn’t fit.”

“Well, it looks great on you.”

“Thanks.”

“You wanna come chicken fight Kev and Bri with me?”

I look out into the water. Kev is waist deep, grinning at us, Bri sitting on his shoulders. They throw their arms out in a challenge.

“Oh, definitely.”

After we lose three rounds of chicken to Kev and Bri, Talia and I take a break, stumbling out of the water and grabbing our towels. Jacob is already there, laid out on his stomach, and he opens one eye as we approach then closes it when he sees it’s us. We settle in beside him, stretching out to let the sun warm us.

“Those fools,” I say, watching Bri and Kev splash each other furiously.

“I swear, Kev is an ADHD king,” Talia says.

“I can see that.” I look back toward the group of girls I was scoping before. A few more have joined. I nudge Talia and jerk my head in their direction.

“Oh yeah.” She scans the group casually, as if she’s observing the whole beach, then back to the lake. “They’re cute.”

My eyes gravitate to the Latine girl. She was wearing a T-shirt dress earlier, but now she’s taken it off to reveal a rainbow-striped bikini. Classic. Two of the other girls are definitely cuddling. The whole group looks so cool. I can hear bits of their music floating toward us over the noise of the people around us, and I’m pretty sure they’re playing Megan Thee Stallion.

I look away, out to the water. Kev and Bri fade and all I can see is me and Rainbow Bikini splashing each other and giggling. She jumps on me, wrapping her legs around my waist, and we both go under. When we surface, coughing and laughing, I grab her and pull her close for a cold, wet kiss.

We’d be so cute together.

“You’re swooning.” Talia’s voice jerks me back to reality.

“Nuh-uh,” I say.

She laughs. “You did that sigh you always do when you’re daydreaming about a girl.”

“I—” I can’t even deny it. I didn’t hear myself sigh, but she’s probably right. I’m so obvious.

“What about you?” I ask.

She shades her face and glances over at the group again. “I don’t know. They’re all cute. I like those orange board shorts.”

“What about the person wearing them?”

Talia screws up her mouth. “I mean, she’s cute? I don’t know anything about her, though.”

I shrug. “She looks so fun. She keeps trying to toss a grape into that other girl’s mouth. And her laugh is really bubbly.”

Talia tilts her head at me. “How is this so easy for you?”

I laugh. “I don’t know. I just see someone and I can imagine all our possibilities. It’s like a movie in my head.”

Talia nods and looks out at the water again, but her eyebrows come down ever so slightly. I open my mouth to ask her what’s up.

But we’re interrupted by Kev and Bri running up to us. Kev shakes himself like a dog, spattering us all with water. We all shriek and throw up our hands as he laughs.

“I’m hungry!” he says.

Bri breaks out the snacks. Chips, candy, crackers, and a grocery-store veggie platter go into the center of our little circle, along with some hummus, ranch dip, and LaCroix from the tiny cooler. I grab a can and crack it open, relishing the first bubbly sip. It’s the key lime flavor, or “Skittle water,” as we like to call it. My favorite.

“So.” Jacob rolls over and reaches for the chips. “You two see anyone who catches your fancy yet?” He flutters his eyelashes dramatically.

“That group over there.” I nod in the direction of the girls. Some of them are in the water now. Our friends all turn to look at the same time. “You guys!”

They all turn back around.

“Sorry!” Bri hisses.

“We’re trying to find dates, not creep people out.” I press my hand to my forehead.

“What about you, Talia?” Bri asks.

“I don’t know.” Talia twists her mouth. “There are people I think are cute, but I don’t know if I want to talk to any of them. I don’t understand flirting at all.”

“Oh my god, same,” Bri says.

“Really?”

“Yes! God, if Karina hadn’t done what she did, we would never have dated,” Bri said. We all nod. We know the story: Bri was representing our school at a debate competition last spring, and Karina was the other school’s rep. She beat Bri, but afterward, came right up to them and said it was hard to concentrate the whole time because of how cute Bri was. They’d started texting, had their first date soon after, and now they’re girlfriends.

“I wish everyone was that direct,” Talia says. “Or that more people were fine with me being direct.”

“Well, this is kind of a test run, anyway,” I remind her. “It’s OK if we don’t find anyone today.”

“What about the lists?” Jacob says.

We both look at each other and laugh. “We’re waiting on that for now,” I say.

“Too much pressure,” Talia adds. I reach out and squeeze her arm, and she smiles at me. We’re always on the same page.

“So Bri . . .” Kev trails off, grinning. “How is Karina?”

“Oh, um.” Bri blushes and looks down at their towel. “She’s fine.”

“That’s all?” Kev nudges them, and we all watch as a smile breaks out on their face.

“I really like her,” they say softly.

Jacob squeals. I grin. I love seeing my friends happy, especially when romance is involved.

“Tell them about your date the other day,” Kev says. I know he and Bri are pretty tight.

“OK.” Bri presses their hands to their cheeks, grinning fiercely down at their towel. We all lean forward, ready for the details. “So she really likes doing activities for our dates and all those kind of typical romantic things—flowers, surprises, picnics, stuff like that. Sometimes I feel bad because I just don’t really think that way. But anyway, she knows I get kind of stuck on thinking of things to do, so the other day I showed up at her house and she’d planned a whole day for us, and it was all my favorite things. It wasn’t a surprise because she knows surprises make me anxious. But we went to Carkeek Park and looked for cool rocks, and then she took me to lunch at my favorite cafe in the U-District, and then we went to the used bookstore nearby and I got to show her all the comics I like! And then we went back to her house and watched cartoons all evening, and we made out—” they whisper the last words, and we all squeal. They flap their hands at us, and we fall silent. “Anyway, yeah. It was perfect.”

“Oh my gosh.” I put my hands over my heart. “That is so romantic.”

They make eye contact with me, then look back down, still grinning. “I know.”

“Y’all are about to be in loooooove,” Kev says.

They smack his shoulder. “Can we talk about something else now?”

“Like the fact that Talia and Hayley are here to find dates and haven’t hit on anyone yet?” He grins at us.

“It’s a test run!” We say at the same time, and he just shakes his head, laughing.

We stay at the beach late, until the sun goes down and it’s too chilly to swim anymore. As we gather our things, I can feel the warmth coming off my skin. I’m definitely burnt in spite of the sunscreen, but it was worth it.

At the park exit, we hop on a bus up to the University District. We’re all starving, but I’m too jazzed from time with my friends to feel hangry.

Once we get to the Ave, the main street by the University of Washington, we make a beeline for Vietnamese food—banh mis, specifically. They’re the perfect sandwich for a warm night, filling and savory.

We wander up and down the Ave, people-watching and making fun of all the college students who are already drunk. It feels like we’re in a movie, like the perfect start to summer. Especially for a summer of love. The breeze is cool, but not cold, and the air smells like flowers. And car exhaust, because the street is busy. And occasionally weed.

I’m still not sure what else to add to my girlfriend list, but that’s OK. I’ll figure it out. For now, I just want to have fun and get over Sherika. I want to look at cute people, and maybe get a few social media handles, and see what happens from there. Maybe I’ll find something like what Bri and Karina have. They’re so perfect together.

Tonight was just the start. And it’s totally fine that neither of us talked to anyone. Really.

We have the whole summer to find our people.