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IN WHICH… I TRY TO COME CLEAN

In a well-known record shop in London’s West End, buying a newly issued Johnny Winter & Muddy Waters’ live album, I noticed on the counter, with a glowing recommendation note from the shop, a bottle of liquid record cleaner. It cost a tenner, but I was running out of a similar product at home, so I grabbed the bottle, adding its cost to the record. I didn’t pay much attention to the label until I was ready to use it. The introductory info on the container lifts the spirits: ‘Our solution has been specially blended to make sure your vinyl is cleaned to the highest standard.’ That’s rather what you might think you’re entitled to expect by the very nature of the product.

I read on: ‘Integral ingredients… purified chemicals… best results in cleanliness… no residue remains on your record.’ All stuff I’m happy to know. Hang on, though, I have noticed two symbols on the label, with the word ‘Warning!’ printed between them. One is a large exclamation mark, the other what appears to be a conflagration or blaze of some kind. So, I look towards the written blurb to the left of the symbols. ‘HAZARDOUS INGREDIENTS’ I read, ‘…propan 2-ol, isopropyl alcohol, isopropanol.’ No idea what they are. Next line: ‘Flammable liquid and vapour.’ Good job I don’t smoke. ‘Causes serious irritation.’ What does? This line arrives without obviously applying directly to the one above or the one below, which warns: ‘May cause drowsiness or dizziness.’

Thus, it is no great surprise when the next piece of advice offered is: ‘Keep out of reach of children.’ The instructions keep on coming:

‘Keep away from heat, hot surfaces, sparks, open flames and other ignition sources.’

‘No smoking.’

‘Avoid breathing fumes, vapours, mist, spray.’

‘Wash hands thoroughly after handling.’

Advice now in case I spray it into my eyes: ‘Rinse cautiously with water for several minutes… Continue RINSING.’

‘Keep container tightly closed.’

I’m beginning to feel it is dangerous even having this product in my house. How can I get rid of it? Like this: ‘Dispose of contents/container to hazardous or special waste collection point, in accordance with local, regional, national and/or international regulation.’

I’m now too nervous to risk squirting any of this noxious liquid on to any of my vinyl in case it explodes, poisons the atmosphere or asphyxiates me. Donning a pair of plastic gloves I empty the contents of the bottle into an empty tin, formerly full of peeled tomatoes. Then I head outside to a road several blocks away from my own, and pour the stuff down the drain. All the time, I’m worrying, what if I’d woken in a daze one day, showered and sprayed some of this substance all over my body, mistaking it for deodorant? I’d have probably turned myself into a walking hazardous object requiring disposal by some of the operatives called in to deal with the Salisbury Novichok contamination. Looks like it will be back to the tea-towel and water method. Although they don’t individually cost a great deal, experimenting with different styles of record cleaner soon proves an expensive indulgence. Maybe foregoing all the liquids, anti-static carbon fibre brushes, stylus brushes, record-cleaning arms, wipes, cloths and sprays, but putting the amount they would cost towards buying a record cleaning machine of some kind is the answer?

It would put a dent in the price of owning an Allsop’s Orbitrac, for sure. The sales blurb for this invention tells us that:

Allsop’s Orbitrac 3 Vinyl Record Cleaning System is an all-in-one wet cleaning system with a rotating assembly that makes it quick and easy to clean your vinyl records and remove dirt, dust, debris, and fingerprints. The exclusive Orbitrac rotating design uses anti-static cleaning pads that follow the grooves of your vinyl for an extremely consistent and effective clean that won’t scratch your records. The advanced liquid cleaning solution was specifically developed for vinyl records and ensures safe cleaning. The Orbitrac reviving brush extends the life of cleaning cartridges and removes debris in-between cleanings. The Orbitrac provides superior cleaning in less than 30 seconds and removes pops, clicks and other sounds caused by dirt or debris.

How much do you think you’d need to splash out to own one of these machines? The generous folk at Amazon were offering one for £59.99 when I checked in March 2019. Free delivery, too.

If you think that that is a little pricey then you’re unlikely to be in the market for an Audio Desk Systeme Vinyl Cleaner Pro Machine for £2525. How does it work, what does it do? We’re told: ‘The Audio Desk Systeme Vinyl Pro Cleaner is an LP cleaning machine that incorporates an ultrasonic cleaning cycle in addition to a more conventional mechanical cleaning via bi-directional rotating microfiber cleaning drums, and the result is the cleanest LPs ever. The ultrasonic Vinyl Cleaner bursts millions of microscopic bubbles off the surface of the record all the way to the bottom of the groove, where no fiber (sic) is fine enough to reach.’ Any the wiser? Hm. Send me two… on second thoughts, maybe the chances of finding a reasonably priced, easy to use, efficient record cleaner are about the same as finding that other no-show, the Loch Ness Monster. Right on cue, here is the Nessie VinylMaster Record Cleaning Machine, £1832.99 in June 2019 – ‘a high-end record-cleaning machine that was developed on the basis of experience gained in many thousands (of) record cleaning cycles. Records cleaned with Nessie Vinylmaster® extend the service life of your pick-up system and guarantee unspoilt vinyl sound!’ Monster value, no doubt.

These products seem to be at the extreme end of the price spectrum for such equipment. Those people I have spoken to who need such machines for professional purposes often favour products from the Okki Nokki stable whose benefits are claimed to be:

• Built-in safety features prevent fluid being sucked into the vacuum motor and the turntable motor overheating

• Cool running turntable motor allows for hours of use, no need for noisy fans

• Forward and reverse motor for ‘scrubbing’ action

• Virtually waterproof plastic / aluminium body gives increased stability

• Added soundproofing – the quietest of all comparable machines in its class

The ‘OKKI NOKKI RCM Record Cleaning Machine Black’ is going to set you back around £435.

However, this ‘Moth Record Cleaning machine’ Mark II was £599 when I checked:

• The Moth Record Cleaning machine is a wet cleaning/Vacuum removal device with powered turntable and drainable internal reservoir. Fluid is applied by hand to a rotating record, scrubbed, and drawn off by a high efficiency vacuum system into a drainable reservoir.

• The MKII Moth Record Cleaning machine is based upon the well proven and accepted record cleaner that has been available from Moth for a number of years

• The MKII version allows for bi-directional operation of the turntable in both the fluid application ‘Wash’ cycle and in the vacuum ‘Drying’ phase

• The vacuum tube has been modified to offer a more efficient vacuum system

I genuinely don’t even understand the blurb, let alone anything else about these industrial-style pieces of equipment. They strike me as so bizarre that I must check with the local Heath Robinson Museum, to find out whether or not the eccentric inventor ever devised a record cleaning contraption.

All of this palaver rather makes the whole idea of listening to music seem like a job of work rather than a relaxing exercise in auditory pleasure. BUT, if you can’t afford, or fear the consequences of using, any of these new-fangled contraptions and cleaners, fear not. I am given to understand that all you really need to clean your records efficiently is… a wet goat! Well, the ‘Tonar Wet Goat Record Brush’. This product will cost you a mere £15 or so, and of the 36 people who have taken the trouble to review it on Amazon when I look, 86 per cent give it a five star out of five rating.

‘Why have I waited so long to find this genius concept?’ asks Grant Howard. ‘The only thing I can say is spin the goat!’ raves Mark the Brewer. Krystal Kev enthuses: ‘I have tried everything, apart from an automated cleaning machine, to clean crackling vinyl, this beats everything else by a mile, so much so I am not understanding why it is not the go to (see what he did there?!) method for all audiophiles.’

Some cleaning methods do not rely on machines, as I discovered when coming across a YouTube feature, hosted by a short-haired millennial discussing ‘Washing a Dirty LP Record Using Soap and Water’, which had 494,000 viewers. And, stick with me, here is the big one. The video about ‘Vinyl Record Cleaning With PVA Glue’. I kid you not. I just had to watch this video, which should have carried a warning for nervous vinyl viewers that they might find its contents disturbing. The chap presenting giggled nervously as he took a crackly Beatles’ album he seemed to have bought specifically for the experiment and began squirting a gloopy, gluey substance all over it in one long spiral, before smoothing it down with a credit card. He then uttered the immortal phrase, ‘Here’s one I made earlier.’ He put it aside and said he’d be back in a day or so. When he reappears on the video it is to tell us that it took rather longer than a day for the substance to dry sufficiently on to the surface of the record. He dons gloves (on the risible reasoning that by doing so he won’t damage the other side of the record), scrapes up a corner of the covering, then peels it back carefully and slowly. ‘Let’s put it on’, he says, ‘to see if it has made any difference at all.’ He carefully places the record back on the turntable, gently lifts the stylus up, then down on to the surface of the record… which crackles, pops and snaps before, during and after playing ‘The Fool On The Hill’.

My hopes of a proper solution were revitalised by the next YouTube video I consulted, which was entitled ‘What to Do About Scratches on a Vinyl Record’ in which presenter Barry Thornton, a man who appears to have some knowledge of the vinyl world, spends several minutes leading up to these brutally accurate words of vinyl wisdom: ‘There’s nothing you can do. In effect, you’re screwed.’

But once we’ve (failed to) clean our records… how many times should one play the things? Who knew there was controversy about this in the collecting world? It appears that there is, judging by a segment I found on a YouTube channel called Vinyl TV, hosted by ‘Craig’, a long-white-haired fellow, in which he spends some 18 minutes discussing the question: ‘How many times can I play my records?’ As virtually all of us will know, the answer to this pointless query depends on any number of factors, ranging from the condition of every part of your playing equipment to the state of the record itself. Towards the end of his answer, and I paraphrase, Craig points out: ‘There are new records which sound really bad and old ones which sound brilliant.’ He also offers another solution to those concerned that their vinyl may wear out: ‘If you’re that worried, buy two copies.’ Maybe there are people who genuinely believe that records have an in-built maximum number of plays.

I was impressed, however, by a couple of comments which appeared on the site, by passing observers, like Sixdogbob: ‘The actual answer is, given proper care, 437 plays. After that, you just have to throw the record away. This has been proven by thorough scientific study, and by sacrificing many Abba records for the cause of knowledge.’ Tuten Vanman came up with an even greater, probably definitive answer: ‘Just play the damn things on any player. I do. So I don’t care about so called immaculate condition. If I buy a beautiful looking cake I still eat it. I bought the records for me not you, so how I don’t look after them is my business. Stop being so pedantic.’

How, though, might one tackle smelly records…?