Chapter 21

 It’s My Word 

The humid summer air nearly choked me when I returned home that evening.

The moment I stepped out of the airport and into the thick heat, I missed the dry scent of evergreen. City lights dotted the landscape. Even the whir of cars whizzing by felt out of place. I’d only been at Adventura for seven weeks, but it felt like a lifetime.

“I grabbed a pizza for dinner,” Rachelle said as she pulled into traffic. “Let’s just go to your house and … uh … sort things out.”

I sank lower into the seat.

“Thanks.”

Rachelle sent uncertain glances my way the whole ride home. We didn’t speak. I didn’t want to talk about it. She must have had so many questions—why didn’t I call Lexie? Why was I back early? Why did I need to borrow money? But she asked nothing. Which was precisely why I’d called her.

We’re divorcing. I kept hearing my dad’s voice in a loop in my head. It’s for the best.

An hour later, the door to my townhouse squeaked open. After weeks, the air smelled musty and old. Everything remained where I’d left it, though a light layer of dust coated the house. Rachelle flipped on the lights while I dropped my bags, advancing farther into the room.

“I should have come over and opened it up before your flight came in,” she said, her nose wrinkling.

I waved it off. Remnants of everything I’d left behind cluttered my table and counters. An old headlamp that didn’t work. A dirty pair of jeans. My stethoscope draped over the back of a kitchen chair. I walked past it without touching it.

“So,” Rachelle said, following me into the kitchen, tossing the pizza box on the table. She wore a pair of jeans and a Walking Dead t-shirt. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Not really.”

“Too bad. We’re going to talk anyway.” She flipped open the pizza box and sank her teeth into a slice with a light moan. “OMG,” she groaned. “I’ve missed this. Just … don’t tell Bitsy, okay?”

I grabbed the teakettle and pushed it under the water spout. The stream of water sputtered for a second before flowing free. Telling her about my cowardly exit—and the demise of my parents’ marriage—would force me to relive all the pain and shame. Not something I felt inclined toward. But Rachelle had lived through her parents divorcing. Another of the many reasons I’d called her instead of Lexie.

For some reason, I just couldn’t face Lexie right now.

Rachelle sobered as I sat next to her at the white wooden table, sinking into the chair as if I hadn’t sat in days.

“Out with it, Megan Bailey.” She slid a slice my way. “I want to hear everything.”

I pulled in a deep breath.

“Okay.”

I told her everything, starting with the night Nathan broke up with me, through the job loss, the creditors calling, all the way up to Blake’s phone call offering me the job. Piece by piece, she listened to my life review, murmuring in all the right places. But still, my heart ached.

Rachelle leaned back. “Sucks, doesn’t it? Divorce is the worst.”

Exhausted, I slumped in my seat, rubbing a hand over my eyes. My second cup of tea had turned cold.

“I know.”

She leaned forward, her earlobes glittering with sparkly black earrings. She’d lost more weight in the past six weeks. I almost hadn’t recognized her at first.

“So?” she asked. “What are you going to do?”

“Work. I start tomorrow morning. Then I can pay off my debt in time, keep myself out of credit hell, and figure out how to deal with this whole divorce thing in the meantime.”

Unable to meet her gaze, I dunked my teabag up and down in the tepid water. While my townhouse held all my belongings, it didn’t feel familiar anymore. I felt like a stranger in a strange land. The kitchen here seemed too neat, as if it had been put together for a magazine photo shoot. The flawless stovetop hadn’t ever met three pans of spaghetti sauce. I didn’t even know how the oven baked a loaf of homemade bread.

My heart sank a little deeper in my chest.

This place was supposed to be home. I remembered the ratty, poorly lit kitchen at Adventura. The deep laughter of the staff rolled through my mind. No one would walk through here and try to spray me with the sink nozzle. Or un-alphabetize the pantry while I wasn’t looking. The closeness of the walls felt suffocating after I’d lived under a wide expanse of stars and mountains. The warmth of Adventura seemed suddenly more permeating than anything I felt here.

Chills brushed me, and I shuddered.

“Do you remember your parents’ divorce?” I asked, needing the spotlight off myself. Maybe Rachelle could shed a little light into my all-encompassing darkness.

Rachelle leaned back against her chair with a heavy sigh. “A little. I was pretty young at the time. I remember being confused. Having nightmares. Feeling scared at night. Not much else. There’s a sense of betrayal, I think, no matter when it happens. Nothing makes it better, either.”

Her solidarity comforted me.

“I came back because life here used to make sense.” My eyes darted over the too-small walls. “I was hoping it would make sense now.”

She glanced around, and I wondered what she saw. “Does it?”

“No.”

“Are you expecting it to?”

“Hoping, more like it.” I swallowed. “I don’t think it ever will again.”

Rachelle rolled her lips together. “No,” she whispered. “For a while, it won’t. And even then, it’ll be a whole new kind of normal. Holidays, birthdays, all that will be different.”

Tears filled my eyes. I downed the last of the cold tea and set the cup back down. A heavy ball of agitation had been unrolling in my chest ever since the plane landed. It threatened to break free. Taking my heart and all its many broken pieces as its victim.

Rachelle stood up.

“I’ll give you some space,” she said. “I recognize that look. Call me, okay, if you just need to talk.”

I cleared my throat.

“Yeah. Will do.” My voice deepened with emotion, grateful to be left alone with my thoughts. “Thank you, Rachelle.”

The next morning, I stared at the golden plaque on Blake’s door. My heart beat a heavy staccato beneath my ribs. Every time I blinked, sandpaper moved under my eyelids. Sleep hadn’t come easily, despite a king-sized bed all to myself. Behind me, two staff members walked by, the lines in their faces deep, their gait slow.

Brushing it off, I squared my shoulders and stared at Blake’s name again. Focus, Megan, I thought. This means everything.

With a sigh, I reached up with a fist to rap on the door, but a buzz from my phone caught my attention. I’d been avoiding all phone calls since leaving Adventura. Mom had called five times last night before I silenced it. With a rush of courage, I checked the screen.

Voicemail (2)

Jodie Renner

I tucked it back into my pocket. I’d call her after I spoke with Blake. My knuckles rapped quietly on the door. Seconds later, the door swung open. Blake grinned, a toothy smile on his stubbled, thin face. He stretched an arm into his office, which overlooked the landing pad through sprawling glass windows.

“Megan Bailey,” he said. “Welcome home.”

With a relieved sigh, I stepped into his office.

Organized stacks of paperwork littered his mahogany desk. Two young girls smiled from his computer screen. He wore a pair of scrub pants and a t-shirt, and his badge jangled with every movement. I missed the singsong of hospital life. The overhead paging system. Phones ringing. Medication drawers slamming. Being back inside reaffirmed what I already knew deep in my bones: I belonged in a hospital.

Outside, the blades of the helicopter spun so fast they appeared not to move at all. A nurse ran out in a flight suit, leaping inside. The door closed behind her.

My stomach clenched.

That will be me soon.

The thrill I’d expected didn’t come. Instead, I pictured Mark sitting on the counter at Adventura, his heels banging into the cupboard as he told me about his day and laughed at his own terrible jokes. Blinking, I cleared the picture from my mind and sat down.

Maybe the jokes hadn’t been that terrible.

“So,” Blake drawled. “How does it feel being back?”

I smiled, forcing it wider. “Awesome. I think West End missed me.”

He snorted. “Confident. I like it.”

“How are things going here?” I asked. “With the hiring freeze and cutbacks?”

He shrugged but didn’t make eye contact. “You know. It’s going. A lot of people were understandably upset. Budgets are a little tight. But thankfully we’re making it work. Next to your impressive resume, I think that’s the reason they approved your hire, to be honest. You worked for us so recently, it’ll save money.”

Way to sweep me off my feet, West End. But what did it matter? At least I had the job. Even if my home felt strange, my best friend was getting married, and my parents were divorcing, I always had my career.

“And the CICU?” I asked. I pictured Karen’s haggard face. “How are things going down there?”

“Fine.”

He leaned forward, flapping a hand.

“Enough of that stuff. Let’s get down to business. You’ll sign the contract with Michelle in HR, but I like to meet with new hires and discuss the training schedule, expectations, etc.”

He grabbed a folder and flipped it open, producing a thick wad of papers that he tossed to me. They landed with a light thump. The professional header across the top made my heart flutter.

West End Flight Team.

Swallowing back a swell of emotion, I scanned the words that directed the next step in my career. Phrases jumped out at me. Full-time position. Twenty-four hour shifts. Training modules completed to success. OR rotations. Survival training. Although Blake said something every now and then, I felt as if I were alone in a vacuum of silent words and the ghosts of my decisions. Why did my hands feel clammy? Why couldn’t I focus on the words? The whole paper seemed to blur in front of me. I re-read the third line four times before moving on, having no idea what it said.

“—starting immediately. I’m really excited to have you on our team, and so is everyone else. Although you’ve only worked here a year, everyone speaks very highly of you—”

Besides, I wouldn’t even make you sign a contract, Mark said in the back of my mind, overriding Blake’s easy chatter. That’s how much I trust you, blister.

Like a landslide overwhelming my heart, the truth fought a mighty battle against my walls. And won.

I never should have left Adventura.

Mark’s words swept over me again and again, circling back to the ugly arithmetic. I’d abandoned my brothers. My Adventura family. Justin. Sione. Hollis. For the first time, I allowed myself to ask: What would happen in my absence?

And why hadn’t I asked that before I left?

Tears filled my eyes from a deep, aching remorse. What had I done? Blake shouldn’t hire me. Not because I wasn’t qualified but because I wasn’t honest. This wasn’t right.

“Meg?”

I jerked out of my reverie. Blake peered at me.

“You all right?”

“Oh, sorry.” I rubbed a hand over my face. “Yes. I just … I just lost my train of thought. Sorry.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Okay. Well, like I said, the work agreement extends out for—”

“Blake, wait. I have to stop you there.”

He snapped his mouth shut and raised his eyebrows. “Yes?”

I swallowed.

“Listen, I’m sorry. But…” I slid the sheaf of papers back to him. His brow lowered. “I can’t take this job.”

My fingers braided together in a knot of ice on my lap. I squeezed them so tight my nails blanched white. Don’t do this! my mind screamed. You’re giving up a golden opportunity.

No, I said, responding to my own inner fear. This is the right thing to do.

Blake frowned. “I’m sorry. You … can’t?”

“No.”

“Do you mind if I ask why?”

My shoulders lifted as I drew in a deep breath. “Because I wasn’t honest in how I came to this job. I-I mean that I was working somewhere else this summer, and I just left them. In a big lurch, I think. I want to work for you. But … it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.” I bit my bottom lip. “Besides, things aren’t good in my family right now. I’d like to be close to them. I can’t do that here.”

Blake leaned back in his chair. “What did you do there? Throw together some sandwiches and bandage knees? This is real life stuff. You’re turning down a major promotion and a salary increase. I mean, c’mon, Meg. It’s a summer camp.”

“No.” I shook my head. “It’s my word.”

He spread his arms. “But you’ve wanted this job for years. When you first started at West End, you came to my office, introduced yourself, and said you hoped to be a flight-nurse on my team within two years. I tried kicking you out, but you came back. All the time. You weren’t kidding then. I hope you’re kidding now.”

“No. I’m not. And I’m sorry, Blake. You worked hard for me, and I can’t tell you how much it means to me. But I’d never be able to live with myself if I don’t fulfill my obligations at Adventura. And you wouldn’t want a nurse on your team that didn’t live up to her word, right?”

A long stretch of silence swelled between us. Blake ran a hand through his hair with a heavy sigh, making it stand up on end.

“Wow, Meg. I don’t know what to say. This came out of nowhere.”

“I know. And I’m sorry.”

He stared at me, long and hard. A thousand thoughts seemed to fill his gaze. Questions. Doubts. Frustration. Curiosity. He mirrored my own feelings, which moved like the wings of a hummingbird.

“I know you are,” he finally said. “And although I don’t like this, I can at least respect what you’re doing.”

A deep sense of relief and mourning washed over me. Not taking this offer from Blake effectively cut my ties with West End Flight Team. Refusing the golden chalice meant I wouldn’t get another chance here. But maybe I didn’t want tired West End as much anymore.

He stood, hand extended, a wan smile on his face. I followed suit, accepting his firm handshake with one of my own.

“Thanks, Blake.”

“Best of luck to you, Megan Bailey. You’re a good woman. Whatever you do, you’ll kill it.”

My hand fell back to my side. The consolation of doing the right thing—even while losing the thing I’d wanted—filled the empty hole in my chest. With one last glance over my shoulder, I stepped outside his office and let the door close behind me.

Megan: Rachelle, are you busy? Can I stop by your work?

Rachelle: YAS! I’m ssssoooooooo bored. My client is asleep. AGAIN. I’m playing checkers by myself now.

Megan: I need to ask you a massive favor.

Rachelle: You’re going back to Adventura, aren’t you?

Megan: Yeah.

Rachelle: Come on by. We’ll look at flights together. My mom will buy. You can pay her back later.

Megan: Thank you! I owe you BIG time.

“Hey Megan, this is Jodie Renner again. Sorry for the second voicemail. Look, we need to talk. Job opportunities aren’t looking great, but I may have an idea. One that I need to talk with you about off the record. Call me when you can.”