XESSA

Sky City, Malel, Tokoban

168th day of the Great Star at morning

Otek’s house smelt of chillies and honey: the scent of her childhood.

Xessa sat with Otek, Kime, and Toxte around her, her first father draped in the heat of three big dogs, each trying to cram into his lap or under his arms or against his neck. They were as gentle as ever, but Xessa watched closely to make sure Otek didn’t just give every morsel of food to the drooling animals. He was too thin these days, barely eating unless someone was with him, and the Wet had increased Xessa and Kime’s duties so that he was alone for long periods.

But as always, Otek’s face relaxed when he was around the dogs, and the animals all understood; they were never exuberant around the old man, instead sitting close, in Otek’s lap if they could manage it, heads pressed against the thin chest or under his chin. And Otek’s old hands would stroke them and fondle their big ears and a little of his spirit would return to his flesh.

It was a special duskmeal, and she was warm in the love of her family and quietly delighted that Toxte had agreed to come along. Tika had stopped by earlier as well, to check Xessa and Kime were ready for tomorrow. When they’d attempt to capture a Drowned.

Will. When we will capture a Drowned.

She pushed the thought away and clicked her tongue when Ossa tried to steal food from Otek’s hand. The dog’s ears went low and he gazed at her as if he’d never been fed in his entire life, but he didn’t try again. Xessa made sure her father ate it instead and was rewarded with Ossa’s wounded betrayal. The corner of her mouth twitched up despite herself.

‘Do you understand?’ Kime was signing, and Xessa focused back on the conversation. There was a good chance, after all, that neither of them would come back from the Swift Water tomorrow; she hated the thought of Otek not understanding where they’d gone.

Xessa, Tika, and Kime had spent a lot of time with him, explaining what they were going to attempt, and a few times the conversation had sparked something in him. He’d told tales then of his days as eja and the battles he’d fought, the nets and spears and dogs he’d lost. The friends. Xessa had listened, joyous despite the subject, despite knowing all of these stories better than he did now, just glad to have him back for a while. Her father.

When he finished signing, she’d leant against his side, tucked into his armpit as she’d done as a child, even though now she had to scrunch down to fit, and she’d pretended she was that girl again, and her father still existed in the flesh world, and nothing could hurt either of them, despite the duty he performed and the risks he took.

Though now the duty and the risks are mine.

‘It is a very good plan,’ Toxte signed and said at the same time, the movement bringing her back to her surroundings, small and cosy and filling with the particular, heady scent of the man who every day burrowed his way a little deeper into her heart.

She put her hand gently on Otek’s knee, nudging Ekka’s haunch out of the way as she did. The dog shifted in his lap and her rump slid onto the mat. They were all far too big for laps anyway, not that it stopped them trying.

‘We have built a cage, a strong but light cage,’ Kime was signing as Xessa’s eyes flicked from his hands to Otek’s face. ‘… a Drowned, and take it to the—’

Otek’s hand grabbed Xessa’s; she started and met his gaze – his present, entirely-in-the-flesh-world gaze. Her heart flooded with love and relief and she smiled, raised his hand and pressed her lips against it; then she held it to her cheek. It shook. ‘Capture?’ he said and she nodded. She suddenly didn’t want to think about it, talk about it, not while Otek was here with her.

Kime had taken his other hand and Otek looked between them, his wrinkled brow creased further by a deep scowl. And then he took his hands away from them both and pointed at Toxte. ‘Who is this?’ he signed.

‘Toxte is my duty partner,’ Xessa signed and caught a glimpse of his mouth drop open. Confusion flittered over his features. ‘And my friend,’ she added hurriedly. That didn’t seem to work either. ‘My …’

‘We are becoming intimate,’ Toxte signed and Xessa felt a blush creep up her neck. ‘I care for your daughter very much, honoured ejab,’ he said, looking at Kime as well.

She waited for more, but Otek was wandering again, the brightness of his eyes beginning to fade. ‘Good,’ he said. ‘None of you die.’ He was gone before they could even raise their hands to assure him they wouldn’t – whether or not that might be a lie.

Still, he’d seen Toxte. Known him and what they meant to each other, even if she had fumbled the admission so badly. That was something, a small precious pearl more valuable than any traded by the coastal villages.

Kime tapped her knee. ‘“Becoming” intimate?’ he asked with a grin that made her blush come back. ‘Then why are you here with two old men? Go on, off with you.’ He shooed them away with a smile and Xessa thought she might burst into flame from the heat of her embarrassment, but Toxte seemed more than willing to do as they were told.

He rose to his feet with a fluid grace that nearly stole her breath, and then held his hand out to help her up. He grinned and signed something to Kime and Otek she didn’t see, then whistled for the dogs and dragged her through the curtain and out into the evening. He turned abruptly so that she collided with him and wrapped both arms around her and kissed her thoroughly until she was breathless for real.

Toxte let her go long enough to sign. ‘What does my duty partner and my friend want to do now?’ he teased and Xessa bit her lip. The thought of taking Kime’s advice was both embarrassing and deeply appealing. Maybe he realised that, because he signed ‘Drink?’ and she accepted gratefully. Hand in hand, their dogs ranging ahead and behind, they wandered down through the city to the entertainment district.

Despite wanting it to chase away the anxiety, the beer was too sweet and Xessa didn’t dare risk the hangover that came with honeypot. Instead, they strolled again as night fell and the late markets lit up with braziers and candles. There were more people than usual on the streets; the whole city knew what the ejab were going to attempt the following morning and more and more people came to offer blessings and prayers for her when they saw her pass. Eventually, Toxte read the growing panic in her eyes and led her firmly and quickly back to her home.

It was one of four houses in a square around a communal garden and firepit, and though the pit was red with embers, no one sat in its meagre light. Xessa breathed a soft sigh of relief and ducked under the curtain and in. She lit a couple of candles and then Toxte’s arms wrapped around her waist from behind and he kissed her neck. She leant into it and then he was turning her to face him.

‘Are you scared?’ he signed and it was like dousing the heat in her blood with water.

Xessa hitched in a breath, not wanting to think about this now, of all times, but the words smashed the wall she’d built to hold back her emotions. Her vision narrowed with a suddenness that frightened her and her breathing was rough as bright, jagged panic carved through her without reason or warning. She thrashed against it, but still its waters closed over her head.

She barely registered sinking to her knees, Toxte following her down with his big, warm hands stroking her shoulders and back. Xessa’s body was slick with cold sweat, her head too light and her limbs too heavy, and the walls were pressing in and out as if they were breathing, as if she’d taken some magic.

Dimly, she knew Toxte was helping her purge some of the fear so she’d be calmer tomorrow, but the knowledge was distant and drowning under the ocean of her terror.

And then Ossa’s face was in her face, his tongue in her ear as he wriggled between them. She didn’t have the strength to push him away, knowing that if she let go of the double handful she had of Toxte’s shirt that she’d collapse. Toxte’s hands slid beneath her arms and tugged her forwards; he shifted to wrap his legs around her hips until she was cocooned in his limbs and Ossa was in there too, somehow, sprawled across their legs. Toxte pulled her head to his chest and the dog stilled, his breath fugging the tiny space between them.

The aftertaste of beer roiled in Xessa’s stomach again but then it settled, the only part of her that didn’t seem to be screaming. Her muscles and bones and heart and spirit all clamoured that she should run, run high and far and fast and never come back.

Toxte rocked her and let her cry, and she was embarrassed for him to see her like this. But the panic was still a roaring beast with claws hooked deep into her spirit and she could do nothing other than fight it, pulling on his strength, focusing on his body and his scent and the heat of his skin beneath her cheek. On the real.

She supposed that answered Toxte’s question about whether she was scared. Between them, dog and man brought her through it and back into the world, the panic receding like storm clouds, hovering on the horizon, threatening but no longer immediate. Her fingers were clenched in Toxte’s tunic and she uncurled them with difficulty. He leant back to look down at her and she managed a half-smile, half-grimace of apology. His brows were drawn together, worry etched across the fine bones of his face, and his full lips were thin with pressure. Xessa ducked her head as embarrassment began to seep in again, but he put his finger under her chin and lifted her face up; then he kissed her softly.

‘You should sleep,’ he said and she shook her head. ‘Tomorrow is—’

Xessa sat up enough to sign. ‘There is no tomorrow, there is only now. Make me forget tomorrow, Toxte. Please.’ She hesitated. ‘I mean, that is if you want,’ she began but he caught her hands in his and kissed them until they stilled, before placing one against his heart; its beat was strong and slowly accelerating and she wrapped her free hand in the thickness of his hair, stretching up to him and pouring everything she had – and everything she wanted – into another kiss until her heart was full to bursting.

She inhaled, sharp, and her hand on his chest tightened and then found the neckline of his tunic. Her fingers slipped inside, onto warm, smooth, soft skin. He broke the kiss long enough to shove the dog away and slide it over his head, pulling free the long hair, plaited and beaded, that tangled in the material. The meagre candlelight outlined him in gold and pooled him in shadow, a hero from the old tales. First of the first children. She blushed at the absurdity, but then he was kissing her again, all the warm, hard expanse of his chest and belly and shoulders hers to roam.

The kiss didn’t end, not for a long time, not until there was fire flashing across Xessa’s nerve endings and she could barely breathe, barely see. She was still in the circle of his legs and shifted now, up onto her knees to tug off her own tunic and then the cotton band that held her breasts tight against her chest. She swung her leg over his, her kilt riding high, the thick sweep of her unbound hair framing his face as she grabbed it and kissed it again, feverish now. Wanting. Needing.

Toxte’s hands were on her hips, pulling the kilt higher and then tugging at his own, and Xessa pulled back from his face long enough to watch his expression as she shifted and sank onto him. His heat filled her, his arms tightened convulsively around her waist and back and his mouth sagged open. More than need in his face, more than desire. Love.

Xessa drank in the sight of him as they moved, her left hand pressed to his throat to feel the noises he made.

She sucked in air and let her head hang back far enough her hair brushed his thighs, let mouth and hands and body work their very own, very special, and ancient brand of magic. Slow but insistent, unstoppable, a rhythm that lit fire inside them both, a shared and sacred burning until fingers became claws and pleasure battered at them and swept them up and consumed them and the world cracked and broke open, drenching them in light.