What Makes This All So Difficult
ONE OF MY goals is to raise your expectations of yourself so you can become better tomorrow. You can learn to take more verbal abuse with greater style if you begin to see yourself as a professional who treats people with dignity and respect. You can become a Verbal Judo expert, someone who can not only represent and translate, but who can also mediate.
What makes communication so difficult is another of my undeniable, inarguable, street-survival truths: When two people are talking, six different identities are involved—each person’s real self, each person as he is seen by himself, and finally, each person as seen by the other, doubled.
The way the other person sees himself is monumental for you to understand. I’ve never had anyone say, “I’m an idiot. I’m off the wall. I’m a jackass. I’m stupid, illiterate, and dumb, but here’s what I think.” People don’t go around thinking they’re irrational, especially when they truly are. So never put a person down. Focus on the goal of gaining voluntary compliance, and always allow a person to save face.
We know the least about our real selves. That’s why we must deal with how we see ourselves. Our real selves may consist of where we come from, our beliefs and values, and the way we’re raised. But our selves as we see them will be bogus unless we make an effort to really be honest and introspective. If we don’t, we will always have areas that can be exploited and can make us less effective than we could be.
The way we are seen by others is vital, because we have a lot to say about determining that. If you consider yourself a professional, you will exude professionalism. (One of the reasons I avoid bad-mouthing and humiliating people is that I don’t like myself when I do it. It’s no way for a professional to act.)
When dealing with somebody in a business or a law enforcement situation, you may be thinking I’m handling this well. I’m firm, fair, and professional. But if the other person sees you as pushy and aggressive, as ineffective, biased, and intemperate, where does the truth lie?
Unfortunately, it lies with how you’re seen and not with how you see yourself—even if you are right. I can prove it. Say I’m talking to you about a problem, and I think I’m handling you well. You do not think so, so what feedback are you going to give me? You are going to react based on how you see it, not on how I see it, and then I will have no choice. I can deal only with how you see it, even if I’m right. Otherwise, you might hit me upside the head. I’d be surprised, and you could flee, all because I was concentrating on my view of the encounter rather than yours.
What if that happens in the business world? You get a letter of complaint. Someone says you’re ineffective. Someone complains to the manager and you’re surprised. If you’ve ever been surprised by a complaint about your performance, you need some survival skill. Effective communication begins and ends with your ability to see yourself as you are seen. You desperately need the ability to read an audience and to sense from their voice and body language whether you’re coming across the way you want to, so you can adjust.
So, the most important of the six selves involved in any two-person encounter is you as seen by the other. You need to develop increasingly sensitive radar to know how you’re coming across while you’re performing.
ELEMENTS OF COMMUNICATION
From the receiver’s point of view, there are three elements of communication from which he will take his cues. The truth, which lies in the content element, carries a weight of only 7 to 10 percent of your total impact. Your very message, which you may see as the most important part of the process, is the least-considered factor.
Your voice carries a weight of 33 to 40 percent. And what I call your ONVs, other nonverbals, make up 50 to 60 percent of your impact. On the phone, where your ONVs can’t come into play, content remains at 7 to 10 percent of your impact, while voice makes up the rest. Think about that. The goods, the truth, the point in these encounters is almost irrelevant compared to your voice and body language (ONVs)! The facts don’t speak for themselves in court, in an arrest situation, in your office, or at home. People aren’t buying what you say; they’re concentrating on how you’re saying it.
In spite of that, you still have to be right, because should you be wrong about a single detail, you lose credibility. Lose credibility and you lose belief. When people stop believing in you, you lose power and influence. You’re history.
BABY, IT’S YOU!
If voice is so important, what do I mean by it? No guesswork here. Voice is your verbal personality as heard by the other. Remember the first time you heard your voice on a tape recorder? Like most of us, you probably said, “Hey, that doesn’t sound like me! That’s not me, is it?”
Bad news: That’s you, baby! That’s you with the monotone voice, the gravelly voice, the condescending voice, the unpleasant voice. If our voices are as powerful as research shows, we’d better know as much as we can about them, and how to improve them.
There are four elements to voice. The first, tone, is the most deadly four-letter word I know. Tone of voice has caused more violence, more divorce, more lost court cases, more lost business, and more brawls than anything else I can think of.
Why is tone so powerful? Because it conveys your real attitude toward people. To a customer your words may be, “Yes, sir, I’m doing everything I can to help you,” but if you have a negative, condescending tone of voice to go with them, do you know what the customer hears? In his mind he tacks something onto the end of that sentence that has come through so loud and clear that he believes you said it. He hears, “I’m doing everything I can to help you, you idiot!”
If you’ve ever been puzzled by a complaint where somebody claimed you called him a name you had not, in fact, called him, this is why. He heard the name implied by your tone, and he heard it so clearly he’ll swear you said it.
The only way to be careful enough with your voice to keep its tone from giving away your true feelings is to be sure there’s harmony between the role you’re playing and the voice you’re using. I’m convinced that if there is any conflict between your role and your voice, people will always believe your voice. That means you must harmonize the two, and that, unfortunately, means that there are times when your voice must lie. I’m not talking about speaking an untruth. I’m talking about camouflaging a tone that would otherwise reveal your true feelings.
You’re a cop and a lady asks you for directions to the convention hall. You snap, “Ma’am, you’re standing right in front of it!” What does she hear in her mind at the end of that sentence? “. . . you fool!”
Now you know she didn’t miss that tone. If she’s a Nice Person, she just takes that insult and goes away, feeling bad. She’ll say, “Thank you,” and walk off, thinking, Gee, I thought they were supposed to help me.
If she’s a Difficult Person, she’ll say, “Hey, thanks a lot, Officer! Really appreciate that! Let me tell you something. I’ve had it with you people.” Now she’s in your face, and she wants your badge number. You’re in deep trouble.
If she’s a Wimp, you’re even worse off. She takes the insult and says, “Thank you,” but while she’s at the convention she’s sitting on that insult, and it is inflating her with righteous adrenaline. She’ll be thinking, I should have said something. This is outrageous! I don’t have to put up with this.
This woman who went in at eighty pounds is now four hundred pounds of adrenaline. She doesn’t go to the party she was invited to, she goes home. She reaches for her phone or for her stationery, and you have yourself a complaint. Nice going! You did your job. You gave her the correct information, but your tone undercut your work.
A ROLE IS A ROLE IS A ROLE
Think how many roles we play in a given day. As a police officer I played enforcer, good guy, bad guy, report writer, information dispenser, tourist guide, investigator, employer, supervisor, and so on. Regardless of your occupation, at different times during the day you’re probably playing mediator, translator, salesperson, customer service rep, complaint department chief, and so on.
How would you, nearly an expert at Verbal Judo by now, have handled the lady asking you for directions to the convention center—the one she was standing in front of at the time?
First, you’re a chameleon, so you put on the appropriate face. She may be a dingbat, but she’s not a speeder, not a criminal. She may be a nuisance, but she’s a citizen, a constituent. So you smile. And you say, “Ma’am, you’re in luck! Turn around and you’re there. As you go through the main entrance, take an immediate right and head to Gate B. That’ll get you inside the quickest, okay? You have yourself a nice evening now, and thanks for stopping by.”
Now, if in reality you’re a Difficult Person and a cynic, and you just have to make fun of her, wait till she turns away—hopefully with a smile and a thank-you—and you can say to your partner, “Idiot!” Just don’t say it to her.
THREE OTHER ELEMENTS
Besides tone, your voice has three other elements: pace, pitch, and modulation. Pace, of course, is your speed. Pitch is how high or low and how loud and soft you speak. And modulation is your rhythm and inflection.
If you want to calm somebody, modulate your voice as you assure him, “Listen, it’s going to be all right.” That’s a whole lot different than “Listen! I’m doing everything I can, so calm down!”
Cops also listen to pace and pitch to tell them whether people are getting more upset or coming to a decision that may not be good. If someone’s voice picks up speed, watch out! He’s getting excited and something may happen. If the voice slows down, he’s thinking, which may be positive or negative—so be careful.
If cops can tell that much by someone else’s voice characteristics, imagine what others can tell from yours. Correct and appropriate tone, pace, pitch, and modulation can help you harmonize your voice with your role, and you will be successful communicating with people.
PROXIMICS
Proximics is a fancy word for proximity, or the way you stand around and carry yourself in your space. If 50 to 60 percent of your power and effectiveness in face-to-face encounters has to do with your ONVs, it only makes sense to work on your facial expressions, how you use your hands, and how you carry yourself.
Your ONVs must harmonize with your voice. If your voice is calming, your demeanor has to be calming. Otherwise, people will not believe what you’re saying. Remember, 93 percent of your success with people has to do with your delivery and only the slightest percent has to do with what you say.
A mediocre idea brilliantly presented often gains acceptance, whereas a brilliant idea badly presented often dies in birth. Your success with your children, your spouse, your employees, and the public hinges on how you come across. Think of yourself as the person who can make or break your audience. Your power to persuade, to combine and harmonize your voice with your other nonverbals, can transmit the message: “I’m here to serve you,” because you convince your hearer that you care about what you’re saying.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTING!
The presentation of self is terribly important. If I had my way, I’d send everyone to acting school before having him or her deal with the public and perform eight to ten hours a day. But that’s not feasible, so stay with me, pick up on the principles and tactics of Verbal Judo, and you will find yourself more effective almost overnight.