Uncle John believes rules are a good thing—especially when they’re funny. He particularly likes this one from the 13th century: “Please refrain from falling upon the dish like a swine while eating, snorting disgustingly, and smacking the lips.”
BACKGROUND
In 1530 a philosopher named Erasmus of Rotterdam wrote a book on manners called On Civility in Children. It was so popular that it became a bestseller of the 16th century. What was so great about it? See for yourself:
• “If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn ’round discreetly and throw it somewhere.”
• “Retain wind by compressing your belly.”
• “Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not vomiting but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul.”
• “Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break wind.”
• “Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything disgusting falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it nauseate someone.”
A typical fast-food milkshake contains more than 50 chemicals.
• “You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearls and rubies might have fallen out of your head.”
• “Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have sat down. Wolves do that!”
• “To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is better to use the tablecloth.”
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MORE ON MANNERS
Advice from the 1880 ettiquette book Don’t: A Manual of Mistakes and Improprieties
• Don’t, when you drink, elevate your glass as if you were going to stand it inverted on your nose.
• Don’t devour the last morsel of food. It is not expected that your plate should be sent away cleansed by your gastronomic exertions.
• Don’t say ketch for catch, or ken for can. Don’t say feller for fellow, or winder for window, or meller for mellow, or to-morrer for tomorrow. Don’t imagine that only ignoramuses make these mistakes.
Least nutritious fruit: cucumber. Most nutritious fruit: avocado.