One-liners from some of our favorite comedians.
“When I was a kid, I only had two friends. They were imaginary, and they would only play with each other.”
—Rita Rudner
“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 and we have no idea where she is.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
“Statistics say that one out of four Americans suffer from mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.”
—Rita Mae Brown
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
—Erma Bombeck
“My parents used to stuff me with candy. M&M’s, jujubes, SweeTARTS. I don’t think they wanted a child, I think they wanted a piñata.”
—Wendy Leibman
“When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”
—Gracie Allen
“My mother told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, ‘Just wait.’”
—Judy Tenuta
“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Halfway through my fishburger, I realized ‘Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.’”
—Lynda Montgomery
Babies blink about once a minute; adults blink about once every five seconds.