Over the course of this book we have made the case that perfectionist striving is inevitably associated with inflexibility and self-criticism. Ironically, this striving reduces your chances of achieving excellence because it can lead to procrastination, avoidance, fatigue, self-criticism and ultimately damaged self-esteem. Throughout this book we have also made the case that turning the rigid rules that accompany perfectionism into guidelines provides a pathway to flexibility and freedom – greater freedom to pursue excellence, greater freedom to like yourself, greater freedom to be compassionate towards yourself, and greater freedom to enjoy your life.
Make a supreme effort to root out self-love from your heart and to plant in its place this holy self-hatred. This is the royal road by which we turn our backs on mediocrity, and which leads us without fail to the summit of perfection.
St Catherine of Siena (1347–80)
Consider the quote above, from Catherine of Siena. This exhortation illustrates our suggestion that perfectionism and self-criticism (or ‘holy self-hatred’) go hand in hand. St Catherine’s life also offers an example of how being rigidly perfectionist can interfere with your ability to achieve your goals. Her pursuit of perfection resulted in her eating nothing but a spoonful of herbs a day, aside from the Eucharist. Any additional food she was forced to eat she would regurgitate by pushing a twig or small branch down her throat. While she achieved many impressive things, including representations to the Pope of the day about healing schisms in the Church and writing letters considered among the great works of early Tuscan literature, her life was cut short by a stroke at age 33, no doubt as a result of the virtual starvation linked to her perfectionism.
It’s the notion that there is no perfection – that there is a broken world and we live with broken hearts and broken lives but still there is no alibi for anything. On the contrary, you have to stand up and say hallelujah under those circumstances.
Leonard Cohen, about the song ‘Hallelujah’ (1995)
This second quote is from Leonard Cohen, a singer-songwriter, musician, poet, novelist and artist, and illustrates a principle that underlines all that has been written in this book. Perfection is not a realistic or desirable goal; on the contrary, we can celebrate our imperfections and experience greater freedom in our lives as a result. Leonard Cohen’s embrace of imperfection has set him free to experiment with goals in his life, sometimes unsuccessfully and sometimes successfully. Twenty-four years after the original release of his song ‘Hallelujah’, covers of it were placed at numbers one and two in the United Kingdom Christmas singles chart in 2008, with a third release, by Cohen himself, placed at number 36. He is widely acclaimed throughout the world for his musical skill, and was described by Lou Reed as belonging to the ‘highest and most influential echelon of songwriters’. His failures have not tarnished his overall reputation and achievements – in fact, these achievements were probably not possible without the failures.
In the end it comes down to a choice. Do you want to keep punishing yourself in pursuit of that impossible goal, reaching the ‘summit of perfection’? Or do you want to choose freedom from demanding and inflexible rules and standards in your life? If you have been working towards this latter goal by using the ideas presented in this book, then it is likely that you have started to see changes that have brought you increased freedom and flexibility without any significant deterioration in performance. Indeed, you might have noticed an improved performance. The degree of change experienced will differ from person to person. Keep in mind that even small changes are important. Just as an avalanche can be triggered by one small pebble falling, one small change is able to start a chain reaction in your life because you have started to experience change and believe that it can happen.
If you feel that perfectionism is still interfering significantly with your quality of life, and you are feeling a little stuck, it is important to consider getting professional help. While self-help approaches can be of help to some, they will not be sufficient for all. Working alongside a skilled helper may be the next best step for you.
If you have started to experience benefit from this book, we encourage you to see this as the beginning of a continuing journey, even though you have finished the book. Choosing freedom still involves hard work! You will need to keep working on the ideas in the book in order to experience further change in your life. The process of continuing change is never easy, especially if you have been living with perfectionism for a long time, and sometimes you will feel like giving in and returning to old patterns. In the rest of this final chapter we suggest some ways in which you can maintain and build on your progress throughout the ups and downs.
Put aside some time to go back over the book and all the exercises and experiments that you have completed. At the beginning of the book we talked about the strategies in the book being like tools. Some of the tools that you tried you will have found helpful, and some you will have found unhelpful. It is important for you to consider which tools or strategies you have found to be the most helpful, and to have these strategies accessible in your toolbox so that you can keep using them. As you review each chapter, decide whether the tools described there should go in the toolbox, guided by the following two questions:
Then prepare a one-line summary of each strategy that you want to keep practicing.
You should then end up with a list of strategies that you want to keep using in your life, in order to continue your progress. Keep the list in an accessible place, somewhere you will see it often – on the fridge, taped to a mirror, in the biscuit tin, or in your underwear drawer! Keep the book and any useful monitoring sheets accessible in case you need to use them or refer back to them.
Be aware that perfectionist, black and white, all or nothing thinking can influence your expectations for your progress, and that the self-critical voice may also comment on your progress. One of the unrealistic expectations that people can apply to themselves with respect to progress is that they must always be improving and never have any lapses or backward steps. Remember, in any situation where there is overall improvement, there are ups and downs, failures and successes, within this overall trend. This is natural, and the down times should not be considered a disaster, or a cause for panic or self-criticism. That is just part of the way we experiment with change and learn what works best for us.
Another unrealistic expectation you may have is that you always have to make progress by yourself and not ask for help. This is another example of all or nothing thinking and the self-critical voice. All of us at some time in our lives need others to help us through difficult patches. It may also be that you need some support from those around you as you make changes – don’t expect to be able to do all of the work on your own all of the time.
At times of stress the temptation to revert back to old coping strategies may be particularly strong. Again, this is a normal experience. However, when setbacks occur it can be hard to think clearly. At these times, refresh your memory of the following points to help you work through what it is you need to do.
We wish you the all the best as you continue to journey toward greater freedom and flexibility.