Chapter 5: Where to Get Laid in Montreal
The bedrooms, bathrooms and back alleys of Montreal are no mystery to a girl like me. Is it because I'm a bad girl? Is it because I'm curious like a cat? Is it because I've lived here for so long―long enough to have seen and done it all―that I've been forced to get creative?
All of the above, my dear.
While a foreigner or newcomer to my fair city might believe the ideal place for any sexual dalliance is beneath the most obvious phallic symbol in town, i.e. right beneath the iron cross atop Mount Royal, most locals would have to disagree, having been there, done that, and gotten the poison ivy skid marks to prove it. Sure, sex in the great outdoors is romantic and exciting, especially while the Mounties are prowling about for exhibitionists to nab in the act of exposing themselves, but let's use our imaginations just a wee bit, shall we?
Where else might one work the romance of Montreal to fuel sexual excess?
Most will agree that the Old Port is a fine romantic destination, but it's clear that cold cobblestone surfaces don't lend themselves to a long, leisurely screw. If you like to fuck and run, more power to you: those uneven surfaces can make a quick get-away a challenge, even for the most athletic of lovers. On the plus side, at least our alleys aren't entirely piss-soaked, as in Gay Paree.
Speaking of gay, why not take a hint from the homos and try a tryst in a sauna? The swingers’ scene is alive and well in Montreal, whether you're gay, straight, bi or merely curious. Check out some of the best of the best at Colonial Baths (one of the oldest in North America, established in 1914), or the mixed gender Le Sauna 3333.
Where else can one make sweet and tender love in Montreal? The bed and breakfast is an obvious choice, particularly if the rooms sport heart-shaped whirlpool tubs. Delightfully decadent, and you even get a tasty breakfast whipped up by your hosts in the morning. Get your eggs over easy and then over easy, if you know what I mean.
Movie theaters are another usual suspect for public sex. I've known more than a few employees who say they enjoy watching the couples who think they're being surreptitious, fucking right there in the back row of the joint in full view of the projectionist's booth. On the other hand, these same employees-cum-voyeurs don't particularly appreciate cleaning up after filthy strangers' used condoms and spent packets of lube so please, Montreal, stay classy and dispose of your prophylactics properly.
And then there's the porno place, Cinema L'Amour. If you're female and unaccompanied, prepare for the frenzy of a shark attack and do not taunt the animals. If you're male and single, remember to bring a hand towel and a sock. Show your friendly neighborhood jizz-mopper a little respect and at least make an effort to clean up after yourself.
More suggested spots for clandestine trysts in La Belle Province:
Bathroom of any Belle Province hot doggery: get your hot dog relished, and enjoy a poutine pick-me-up afterward
Back alleys of strip clubs: watch your step, and dress for quick access
Dressing rooms at lingerie boutiques: just make sure the fashion police are otherwise occupied as you're trying a few things on and slipping into something more comfortable
Atop a table at O Noir: the restaurant employs blind wait staff and serves your dinner in pitch darkness to simulate the world of the blind; why not take advantage of this opportunity to stimulate all your senses?
Beaver Club: because nothing says lovin' like obscene references to Canada's national treasure, the world’s most industrious rodent
Hotel pools: particularly the rooftop specimen at Hotel de la Montagne for cocktails and stargazing
Last car of the metro: pick up a special friend on the last train home
Bathrooms at Whisky Café: I've heard they're stupendously gorgeous, something akin to a hotel room in and of themselves, and if they're going to advertise them as The Best Bathrooms in Town, it seems like they ought to know what they're in for
Sexy breakfast joint: shag the serveuse, but only if you've got permission from her boss
St. Joseph's Oratory: probe your lover's innermost catacombs before the disembodied heart of a dead priest, or in a quiet basilica full of candles and crutches from healed penitents—sacrilegious!
These are but a few options, my lusty ladies and gents. Why not put on your sexy thinking caps tonight and brainstorm a few new ways of your own?