For Dear Life

MARY CALMES

 

 

 

Eric & TJ~

Looking forward to better days.

All my love,

Mary Calmes

 

 

 

I.

 

WHAT I had thought would be a beginning turned out not to be, and since I needed normalcy and grounding, I called my brother, Fallon, to come sit with me in a bar downtown, close to Market.

“You just got back.” His voice was incredulous. “Why are you out drinking when you were on your way over to Wade’s place to tell him how you feel?”

I peeled the label off my beer bottle instead of answering him.

“Kevin?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Something.”

“Are you coming or not?”

“I am, but that’s what you were going to do, right? Confess your love to him and ask him to marry you and have babies?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I grumbled. “I was just gonna finally man up and tell him the truth, that’s all.”

“About how you feel.”

“Yeah,” I muttered.

There was a silence. “Kev?”

I coughed.

“How long’s it been?”

“Huh?”

“How long have you been in love with Wade Kingman?”

“I’m not in love,” I clarified.

“You could have fooled me.”

“It’s not love.”

“Oh, sorry, wanted to fuck him, then,” Fallon corrected. “Is that better?”

“Don’t be crude.”

“Me? Are you kidding?”

“I—”

“You’re the king of talkin’ trash.”

And normally I was, or could be, or had been. It wasn’t really me anymore.

“How long have you wanted him?” he yelled into the phone.

For as long as I could remember. I cleared my throat and said, “I dunno.”

“You’re such a liar.”

“Just let it go.”

“Kevin Chaney!”

“I—”

“You need to talk to him.”

I shook my head.

“I can’t see you, so if you’re shrugging or shaking your head or—”

“No. I don’t need to do anything, and I’m not going to.”

“What? Why the fuck not?”

“He’s not ready.”

“And you know this how?”

“He’s only been divorced a year,” I mumbled.

“Divorced because he’s gay.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“What are you talking about?” Fallon asked, his voice ratcheting up in volume.

“He’s not looking to settle down.”

“How do you know this? Are you psychic?”

“I don’t need to be.”

“Make me understand what that means.”

“Just drop it.”

“Fuck no. You’ve known the guy forever, right? He’s your best friend and the guy you love and—”

“Was.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

I nodded.

“You have to use words. I can’t see you.”

“Was,” I repeated irritably.

“Was what?”

“The guy I loved.”

“Oh shit,” Fallon groaned. “What happened?”

He didn’t want me. “It’s not gonna work out.”

“What do you mean, ‘It’s not gonna work out’? Did you tell him you loved him?”

I didn’t get the chance. “No.”

“No?” he barked, annoyed. “But you told me you were gonna go over there and—”

“Please, let it go.”

“Kev, you and Wade… you’ve been friends since you were thirteen, for crissakes, and I know you’ve loved the guy since—”

“I never said I loved him,” I muttered.

“Are you kidding?” he groused. “We could all tell!”

It doesn’t matter anymore. “It’s not gonna happen.”

“Why not?”

“Fal—”

“Why?” he insisted, almost shouting at me from the other end of the line.

“’Cause he was kissing some guy on his couch when I got to his place tonight.”

What?”

“I shouldn’t have used my key when he didn’t answer the door. That was my mistake.” My voice came out hollow and disjointed.

“You’re fucking with me.”

“Which is why you’re only supposed to use spare keys your friends give you to water their plants or feed their pets. You should not carry them around otherwise.”

“Holy shit.”

“It’s his house,” I said, defeated. “He can have anyone there he wants.”

“Yeah, but I thought—”

“It’s fine,” I said sharply. “He’s sowing his oats after being married for two years. I get it. Got it. Whatever. Message received.”

“What are you—”

“Instead of wanting me, he’s making out with strangers in his living room.”

“I—”

“Or maybe not strangers. I dunno. I’ve been gone for three months; maybe he and that guy are getting married. How the fuck should I know?”

“But—”

“Whatever I built up in my head was just stupid.”

Fallon made a noise like he was disgusted with me. “I’ll be right there. Don’t move.”

But I had nowhere to be and so sat and waited after he ended the call.

He was there twenty minutes later, all thunder and lightning as he crossed the floor, no one stopping him or hitting on him even though, of the two of us, he was the pretty one with his black hair and blue eyes. He started right in on me. “That’s it? You’re just gonna give up?”

“We’re in different places,” I said resolutely as he signaled for the bartender and took a seat beside me.

“What are you—”

“It’s fine,” I said sharply.

“Kev—”

“He’s at the fuck-tricks-on-couches phase; I’m at the settle-down-and-buy-a-house phase. It’s just not gonna work out.”

Fallon squinted at me.

“We want different things,” I answered. “And that’s nobody’s fault.”

“Yeah, but you’re both gay.”

“I’m gay. He’s bi.”

“You both like dick, right?”

I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. “Please stop talking.”

“I don’t see the problem. You wanna sleep with him; he wants to sleep with you. What am I missing?”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Just because two men like other men doesn’t mean that they’re gonna end up together.” I sat up and chuckled, smiling sadly at my older brother. “Being gay isn’t some magical recipe for love, just like being straight isn’t. Look how long it took you to find Kate. When it happens, it happens.”

“I know that, but we’re talking about you and Wade Kingman, and he loves you. I know he does.”

“Obviously not,” I countered. “He doesn’t think about me like that.”

“How do you know if you didn’t tell him?”

“Did you miss the part where I told you he was kissing some guy on his couch?”

“Yeah, but—”

I made it clear. “He doesn’t want me. If he did, he wouldn’t have been with anyone else. There would only be me.”

“But you didn’t tell him before you walked out of his place. You didn’t man up and say, ‘Wade, buddy, I love you.’”

I squinted at him. “Are you high?”

“Shut the fuck up! I’m just saying, how the fuck is he supposed to know you love him? Is he psychic?”

“Just drop it.”

“No, Kev, this is your life. It’s too important. You don’t just let it go.”

But if he’d seen what I’d seen, he would. The image of Wade lying under some guy on his couch…. The whole scene was seared into my brain. I’d need a lobotomy to lose the image. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Fallon argued. “Have you called him since then? Did you even say anything when he saw you, or did you just chuck the key onto the coffee table and run outta there with your tail between your legs?”

“I come off like such a coward in your version.”

“Because you are,” he rasped. “Who does that? Who doesn’t stand and fight for what they want? Who runs away?”

“People who see the situation for what it is.”

“And what’s that? Hopeless?”

“No. Nothing,” I corrected. “There’s simply nothing there.”

Fallon took a drink of the scotch and water the bartender had put in front of him. “I think you owe it to Wade to tell him what you wanted.”

“But it doesn’t matter what I want if he doesn’t want it too,” I assured him.

And it was true. Wade Kingman had taken the opportunity while I was out of town cross-training some local law enforcement personnel in ATF hostage negotiation tactics to bring home a one-night stand.

“My wife thinks you’re plenty hot.”

“Your wife is biased because she loves me.”

He grunted.

I groaned and covered my eyes, and we were quiet for several long minutes, both of us lost in thought.

“And so,” he prodded, always the older brother wanting the facts, “what’s your plan now?”

Twisting in my seat, I faced him. “When this last job ended, my boss offered me a slot with the team going out to Quantico to train some of their agents. He said he could use me, but I turned him down ’cause I wanted to come home and talk to Wade, not be gone for another six months.”

“But sadly, it turns out you didn’t have the balls to—”

“You know, Fal, I—”

“And? Continue,” he directed.

I gritted my teeth. “But now there’s no reason not to go.”

“So you’re leaving for six months?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I already called and told them I’m in.”

“But I was looking forward to hanging out.”

“We never hang out.”

He tipped his head back and forth like maybe I was right.

“But anyway, I’ll e-mail, and I’ll be back before Thanksgiving so you don’t have to go see the folks and do the extended-family thing by yourself.”

His smile was all his, bright and buoyant. I had always loved to be on the receiving end of it, ever since I could remember, wanting to please him. “Bless you.”

 

 

II.

 

THREE DAYS after I got home, I was at the store because there was nothing at my place, not even coffee, and I had to stop eating every meal out. Grocery shopping was a lost art. I needed a housekeeper like all the bachelors in sixties TV shows.

“Kevin!”

As I pivoted, I was slammed into hard, arms wrapping tight around my waist. Alice Conway, Wade’s niece, his sister Georgia’s daughter, was absolutely shrieking with excitement to see me. And even though I was worried that her uncle would be with her rather than her mommy, I couldn’t bring myself to just pry her off and walk away. We had too much history, and whatever was going on between the grown-ups had nothing to do with the cute little face gazing up at me.

“You didn’t tell me you came home!” she accused me, her big brown eyes full of hurt and happiness. “I didn’t see you for so long!”

“You saw me on the computer all the time I was gone.” I went down on one knee, reminding her of our many Skype sessions. “I told you I was out of town teaching people how to be like me.”

“I know.”

“Did I miss anything big?” I asked, knowing I hadn’t.

“No.” Her eyes got rounder. “I only went to second grade.”

Grunting, I poked her in the stomach. “That kid, what’s his name, the one with the chipped tooth? He still around?”

She rolled her eyes. “Battle.”

“His name is Battle? Really?”

Lots of nodding followed. “Mommy said that he must have been a joy to deliver.”

I snorted out a laugh as a mixed blessing arrived. The person with Alice was, in fact, not her uncle, but neither was it her bright-eyed, effervescent mother, Georgia Conway. It turned out to be my ex-best friend’s mother, Elaine Kingman, who came flying around the end of the aisle, yelling for her granddaughter.

“Kevin,” she gasped, the happy surprise there in her voice as she rushed forward.

I rose, and she lunged, and I had both grandmother and granddaughter hugging me.

“Oh, Kevin, he misses you so,” she whispered.

“I doubt that.” I soothed as my stomach growled. “You guys wanna eat?”

Alice wanted clam chowder and donuts, a revolting combination, so we went around the corner to a bistro. Elaine excused herself so she could call Georgia and tell her where they were as Alice and I shared a maple fritter with bacon bits sprinkled on it.

Alice smiled. “You’re the only one who eats these with me.”

“That’s because I have a death wish,” I explained.

When Elaine returned she took hold of my hand and searched my eyes—for what, I wasn’t sure.

“Talk to me, Goose,” I teased.

“Why are you hiding from my son?”

I shook my head. “I am so not hiding from your—”

“Then why isn’t he with you? You two have been inseparable since you were thirteen years old.”

“We’re very different people, Elaine, and it was bound to happen.”

“I—”

“He’s an appraiser, I’m an ATF agent. Our hours aren’t exactly compatible.”

“Yes, but—”

“He’s straight, I’m gay. That was bound to eventually put a dent in our friendship.”

“Kevin—”

“Down the road,” I assured her, “when he’s married and so am I, I’m sure we’ll drift back together. People do that.”

“Yes, but in the meantime, what? You were Wade’s first friend here, and meeting your mother and then your father was a blessing for Alex and me.”

Wade’s folks and mine were fast friends who got together at every opportunity. They played board games, cards, had barbecues, bowled, and even went on a cruise before that whole cruising situation got dicey. After watching the news, I had called a moratorium on any of them traveling by that means. Planes, yes; ships, no.

“You came home from college to attend Georgia’s graduation just because she asked and didn’t miss her college one even though you’d been shot a week earlier.”

“That sounds so cool when you—”

“Kevin Bartholomew Chaney!”

“Oh God,” I groaned, laughing at her. “Could you not say Bar—”

Bartholomew?” Alice sounded repulsed.

“Delete that,” I ordered.

She cackled. “Awesome.”

“That’s perfect,” I groused, throwing up my hands and glaring at Elaine.

She smacked the back of my head, hard, and she was wearing a really thick wedding band.

“Nana!” Alice scolded.

“Just eat your donut,” she directed before her gaze snapped back to mine. “You were at Georgia’s wedding, and you were the one who carried Tom home from the bachelor party when Wade passed out.”

It was true, but… “You knew about that?”

“I’m a mother. I know about everything.”

Terrifying thought.

And she continued. “You were at the hospital when Alice was born. You’re the one who drove me home from the hospital after Alex had open-heart surgery and both my kids and your parents were out of town.”

“Everyone got on a plane as fast as they could.” I could vouch for them.

“Yes, Kevin, I know,” she snapped, her voice rising, “but that’s hardly the point. You were simply there without being asked. One minute I was alone, and the next I had an arm around me.”

“Elaine—” I began.

“No,” she said sharply, stopping me. “You’re part of our lives. My husband misses watching football with you, I miss feeding you, Georgia misses hearing about your cases, and Alice misses barbecuing with you and having you chase her around the backyard.”

“Yeah, but—”

Elaine cut me off again. “Alice, you may go and look at the fish now, sweetheart.”

Alice bounced up out of her seat, stopped to kiss me on the cheek, and then darted the few feet away to the enormous fish tank in the center of the restaurant.

Watching her, how mesmerized she was, was soothing. “She’s such a good kid.”

“Yes, she is,” Elaine agreed, “but that’s not in question.”

I returned my attention to her.

“We’ve been a part of each other’s lives for twenty-two years, Kevin. You can’t just expect that to end overnight because my son was making out with some guy on his couch when you came home.”

I scowled. “That’s not what this is about.”

She leaned close. “Do not take that snide tone with me, and I know good and well what this is about.”

Of course her son had told her. I was not surprised. Christ. I was in hell.

“You two are ridiculous. He wonders why he can’t connect with anyone and find something permanent. And you don’t have the balls—”

What did you just say to me?”

“––to tell him what you really want from him! It’s maddening to watch. I’ve never wanted to shake two people so hard in my life.”

“Elaine—”

“He doesn’t know what he really wants, and you’re a coward.”

I was starting to shift from uncomfortable to mad. “You know—”

“It’s your fault.”

“What?” I snapped, amazed at her.

“If you’d just told him, he’d know. He’s been following your lead for years; of course he’ll keep doing it.”

“Are you hearing yourself? No one wants a gay son.”

“No good parent gives a damn about the sexual orientation of their child,” she corrected. “And when in the world did you become such a cynic?”

“You—”

“Do you know what I want for my son?”

I didn’t answer, just sat there feeling like I was five instead of thirty-five.

“I simply want him to be happy,” she said flatly, staring holes through me. “I want a son who could fall in love and raise a family.”

I held her gaze.

“That’s not what I have now.”

My sigh was loud.

“The point is that the two of you need to talk and then go to bed and sort this all out.”

“Oh dear God,” I bemoaned, putting my head down in my hand.

“You need to talk to Wade.”

“I don’t think it’s necessary.” I sighed deeply, lifted my head, took hold of her hand and squeezed it tight. I would not mention to anyone the many calls, voice mails, texts, and e-mails from Wade I had not answered. I was ducking him, and any day now the message would sink in. “His actions told me everything I needed to know.”

“He didn’t tell you anything because you didn’t give him a chance. You never even exchanged words. You walked in––which was terribly rude, by the way—and––”

“No,” I said firmly. “Between you and my mother—”

“You saw things, Kevin, but no words were exchanged. He told me.”

“Listen—”

“No.” She was adamant, shaking her head. “He was confused about things, but the two of you communicate for crap.”

“I’ll pay you money, cold hard cash, to stop talking about this.”

She plowed on. “He’s not confused anymore. You need to be more patient with him.”

“There’s nothing…. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then why are you punishing him?”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are,” she said sharply, pointing at me. “You cut him out of your life, and that’s a horrible thing to do.”

“Fine, I’m an asshole, but I’m not ready to just be friends with your son.”

“Oh, darling.” She huffed. “He has never wanted to be just your friend.”

“Elaine,” I began gently, “he was married for two years.”

“Because he thought that’s what he should do. It was not what he wanted to do.”

“Well, I’m sure Annie is really—”

“He and Anne are still friends, and we all went to her wedding.”

This was news to me. “Annie got remarried?”

“Yes,” Elaine said, smiling. “And she’s expecting a baby. We’re all thrilled for her.”

“When was this?”

“Six months ago.”

“Huh.”

She growled. “Kevin!”

“It doesn’t matter. Wade and I are in different—”

“No, you’re not.”

“We—”

“You don’t get to just remove yourself from people’s lives on a whim!”

“Yeah, but—”

“No! You’re a big shining light, Kevin Chaney, and he needs you.”

“What’re you—”

“Do you even understand how you are?”

“I don’t—what?”

She was disgusted with me; it was all over her face. “You’re like a force of nature. Your mother and I used to talk about it all the time. You walk in with that smile of yours and those dimples and those gorgeous hazel eyes that actually do the twinkling thing and your walk—strut—it’s why other men hate you.”

I was so lost. “Nobody hates me,” I argued.

“Oh, the hell they don’t,” she retorted. “You just kick down doors, and you never listen when someone says no, and you’re like the sun, Kevin, and really, truly, when you go away, when you remove yourself…. Poor Wade.”

“Poor Wade?” I said, letting my exasperation seep out. Was she kidding?

“Yes.”

“Between you and my mom, I’m feeling a little ganged-up on.”

“Good.”

“Can we please stop talking about this?”

She did the harrumph thing along with the furrowed brows but agreed. “Just so you’re aware, the only person he ever wanted to sleep with was—”

“My ears will actually bleed if you don’t stop.”

“You need to forgive Wade,” she pressed. “My son… he wanted… and it got all confused in his head, and the second he saw you there in his home—”

“Elaine—”

“He loves you.”

“Yeah, well.” I leaned back in my chair. “I loved him too.”

“No,” she snapped, “not in the past tense.”

“Dear—”

“You throw endearments around too easily.”

“I do?”

“Yes, you do, and people get excited because they think they’re more important than they really are.”

I glared at her. “You know, I’ve heard that dementia strikes seniors earlier and earlier these days so—”

Second smack on the back of my head.

“Nana!” Alice was aghast, rushing back over to comfort me.

“You’re mean.” I passed judgment on Elaine.

She arched one eyebrow and surveyed me. “You think I’m mean now.”

I coughed so I wouldn’t laugh, and Alice kissed the back of my head before returning to the fish tank full of wonder.

“You should come for dinner this Saturday. Wade’s out of town, you won’t see him. It will just be Alex and me, Georgia and Alice.”

“And Tom?”

“No,” she said quickly. Too quickly.

“What’s going on with Georgia and Tom?”

“None of your business if you’re not coming to dinner,” she said pointedly.

“I—”

“You can’t drop everyone in your life because of a mistake Wade made.”

“But it wasn’t a mistake.” I tried to get her to understand. “Things just got twisted up in my head, is all. Wade’s how he always was.”

“No, he isn’t, not at all.”

“Elaine—”

“Don’t make me get my granddaughter to ask you,” she said menacingly, “because I have no shame.”

I grunted. “Well, we all know that’s true, don’t we?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t get me started on what you and my mother did to that poor woman who made the mistake of thinking Mr. Kingman was available.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“And at Georgia’s wedding too.” I tsked. “The shame.”

“She needed to be more observant.”

“You guys were awful.”

“Your mother and I simply needed that woman to understand that hitting on married men is tacky.”

“Oh, I’m sure she learned her lesson,” I said snidely, recalling the lady with a lapful of merlot.

“That’s not important,” she said, tone dry as a bone. “My point is that I need you to call Wade.”

“I need to date,” I countered. “I’m thirty-five already. I’m way past my prime.”

She looked horrified.

“What? I am. I gotta dive into the dating pool and see if anybody wants me.”

“Have you listened to a word I’ve said? I know exactly who wants you.”

“You and my mom just want your sons to get married. I know a setup when I see one.”

She threw up her hands before I got up to go look at the fish with Alice.

“You know,” Alice said as she turned to face me, “Uncle Wade was sad when you went away.”

All the women I knew were trying to mess with my love life.

“Mommy said so.”

I groaned silently.

“You should come and have Sunday dinner with us.”

I was so screwed.

 

 

“KEVIN,” MY mom said, glowering at me as she played Tetris with the food in her refrigerator as my father and I washed dishes after Thanksgiving dinner. I had no idea how she was going to fit all the leftovers in there, even with as much as was going home with my brother and his wife, Kate, and with me. “Have you spoken with Wade since you got back?”

Since he was the reason I’d left eight months ago and stayed gone for six… no. “Not yet,” I answered, drying the roasting pan my old man passed me. I cussed silently. I loved my parents, but the grilling was always rough. They wanted the best for me and always asked to find out how close I was to getting it. They often employed techniques that had not been implemented since the Spanish Inquisition. It was grueling, but Fallon and Kate had done it alone for six months, so in all fairness, it was time for me to shoulder some of the burden and a lot of the judgment.

“You should,” she assured me, eyebrows furrowed. “He misses you.”

Misses me? Was she kidding? “I’m sure he’s fine, Mom.”

“No, he’s really not, and how dare you just dismiss something this serious.”

I turned to her. “This serious?”

“He’s your best friend, Kevin,” she reminded me. “He deserves better than being shut out of your life.”

She was probably right. Wade didn’t know why I had left or why I hadn’t visited him since I returned from Quantico. The thing was, my absence in his life was saving both of us embarrassment and humiliation.

“Hello?” she demanded.

The attitude was new. “Mother, listen to––”

“You need to call him.”

I groaned, turning to my father for support. “You gonna back me up? Tell her it’s my life and I should be allowed to live it without her butting in?”

He cleared his throat. “You should call him.”

He never took my side over hers.

“Dad, I––”

“Remember when you were sixteen and you told us you were gay?”

Oh Lord.

“And Wade came with you, and right after you told us, he passed out all his materials?”

My best friend had compiled everything from factsheets to PFLAG pamphlets and even created a PowerPoint presentation that I still had somewhere because it was hysterical. It had been titled So Your Son Is Gay, What Now? “Yes,” I answered, chuckling just thinking about it.

“I didn’t even have time to tell you I knew already before he was beating on me and your mother to simply accept what we couldn’t change.”

“I know.”

“And it wasn’t like we gave a crap––you are who you are, why do I care who you sleep with?”

“You’re digressing,” I said dryly.

“He’s always been your champion.”

And he had been, it was true. But things had changed. “Dad––”

“This distance,” he huffed. “It makes no sense to me.”

“Or me,” my mother chimed in. “And I know he’s hurting.”

“Mom––”

“You’re breaking his heart.”

“I sincerely doubt that,” I grumbled, drying a saucepan my father handed over.

“And how would you know since you haven’t spoken to him?” She had me pinned with her gaze, with the Mom one, her eyebrow arched like she was waiting for me to say something brilliant.

“I just do.”

“How very scientific of you,” my father said, clearly amused. “They teach you that when you became an agent?”

Sarcasm.

“You should call him,” my mother snipped, sending over the final volley. “That’s all I’m saying.”

My father grunted his agreement.

They never took my side.

 

 

III.

 

TWO WEEKS later, on the way home from work, I was surprised when my phone rang. It wasn’t even six yet.

“Hello?”

“Kevin?” The voice sniffled at me from the other end of the line.

“Elaine?” I jolted to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

“I need you.”

“Of course,” I answered without question, crossing the street to the other side, where I saw some cabs stacked up. “I’m coming.”

“Okay,” she said and hung up.

They lived in Potrero Hill, just outside of San Francisco, and as I sat in the back of the cab, I tried to get hold of Georgia, terrified that something had happened to her father, Alex. When that just went to voice mail, I tried my parents. When that, too, went to voice mail, my stomach flipped over.

It was cold in early December in the Bay Area, and as I was dropped in front of the house, it felt even colder. Cars lined the small street, and people were walking up to the porch of the Kingman house, where the light was on and the front door was open. Everyone carried something—dishes of food—and my heart hurt, realizing what I was walking into.

Stepping into the living room, I was startled to see my mother sitting next to Alex on the couch, their hands clasped tight. My father had his arm around Elaine as she leaned against him.

“Kevin!”

I turned to see Alice running down the stairs, getting close to the bottom, and then launching herself through the air at me. I caught her, and she wrapped her arms round my neck, holding on for dear life.

“Honey?”

“Mommy’s dead!” she cried into the side of my neck. “Kevin!”

Instinctively I clutched her tight, and only then did I see Tom Conway, her father, stagger into the room clutching Wade Kingman, my old best friend. Both men saw me at the same time. Wade’s eyes got huge and round, and Tom’s eyes, brimming with tears, overflowed.

“Take good care of her, Kevin,” Tom said before he collapsed.

I didn’t let Alice see her father hit the floor; instead I carried her past the couch, grabbing a blanket on the way, and out to the patio. She was crying so hard.

I was thankful for my mother bringing me out a box of Kleenex after a few minutes. “Who told her?” I asked, cuddling the little girl clad in pajamas, a fleece robe, and bunny slippers against my chest.

She shook her head, stroked her hand through my short hair. “Tom did. He wanted to confess.”

I had no idea what that meant.

“It will be all over the news tomorrow. It’s going to be a mess.”

I would wait to hear the explanation. Alice needed me now. She was clutching at my shirt, wanting to be as close as she could.

Once the door closed, I sat the six-year-old up and had her blow her nose for me before her head clunked back down on my collarbone.

“Sing one of Mommy’s songs.”

And so, off-key, without even thinking about it, I launched into “Sour Girl” by the Stone Temple Pilots. It was bad. I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, but I knew all the words, as many times as Georgia had played the album.

“Yeah, that’s good,” she sighed, nuzzling under my chin.

Once she was asleep, covered up with the blanket, I texted my boss and let him know I had a death in the family. I didn’t sleep; I had to keep vigil.

 

 

FALLON, WHO had a key to my place, was sent there by my mother to get me clothes for the next morning. Being him, he brought a really old pair of jeans, a pale blue Henley, a pair of Converse, and a fleece hoodie. I hugged him when he showed up, even though I would have preferred a suit. I felt more protected in a suit the same way, stupidly, I felt better under a blanket than without one when I was sleeping. It made no sense. But I nearly broke him with the bear hug.

“I’m not dying on you,” he promised.

“Yeah” was all I said before I shoved him out the front door.

When I went to take a shower, Alice sat outside the bathroom door and waited for me, and nothing and no one could make her move. Once I was out, I knelt down in front of her, and she wrapped her little arms around me and buried her face in the side of my neck.

“You smell good,” she assured me. “Like soap.”

I kissed and hugged her, and then we went to get her into clean clothes. Once we were both downstairs, Elaine was there to hug me, and then Alex did as well.

“Where’s Tom?” I asked.

“He’s with his folks in Marin,” Elaine told me, looking about twenty years older than she really was. “He had to be sedated last night.”

“When will he be here?”

“He won’t.”

Her answer made no sense, and I wanted to ask what had happened, but Alice was sticking to me like a second skin. Her hand was in mine, and she was not letting go.

“Hi, Ali bird,” a woman behind me said.

Turning, I faced a woman who was the spitting image of Tom. It took me a second. “Margo, right?”

“Yes,” she said, forcing a smile for me. “My mother wanted Alice to come out to the house, if that would be all right.”

“No,” Elaine said bitterly, “it’s not all right.”

“Listen, I know what you must be—”

“Do not say that to me!” Elaine almost shrieked, and Alice suddenly pressed her face against my stomach.

Lifting her up, I pivoted and walked to the front door and outside on the porch as fast as I could.

“Whew,” I said loudly. “That was close, huh?”

“I want frozen yogurt,” she told me.

Lifting her, I put her up on my shoulders, her legs curled under my armpits as we started down the steps. At the front gate, Margo called out to us.

I waited and realized, even as I was, that the porch was crowding with people.

“Alice,” she said shakily, her voice cracking. “Honey, your nana says that you can come out to Grammy and Grampy’s house and see your daddy if you want to. Do you want to?”

“I’m getting yogurt,” she told her aunt, her hands in my hair, clutching tight.

Margo’s gaze flicked to mine before returning to Alice. “I know you haven’t seen much of your daddy this past year because you were living here with your grandparents and your daddy was living at home.”

“He’s been gone a long time,” she informed her aunt. “He used to work super late, and I only saw him on Sundays.”

Margo was biting her bottom lip.

“This is Kevin.”

She nodded.

“He used to see me every Sunday, but then he had to go away. But when he was gone, we saw each other on the computer all the time.”

“I see.”

I was glad now that I’d made the time to Skype with Georgia and keep up on her life and Alice’s. It wasn’t as often as I should have, and obviously I’d missed some things, like Georgia and Tom being separated, but sadly it had been more than Tom had seen his own daughter.

“Kevin always plays with me.”

And the silent part of that was that her daddy didn’t, which brought tears to Margo’s eyes.

“Do you want yogurt, Aunt Margo?”

“Actually, I have to go back to your daddy, sweetie.”

“Okay,” Alice agreed, and I felt her hands slide under my jaw so she could tilt my head back and look into my face. “I want vanilla-and-chocolate swirl like Mommy eats.”

“That sounds perfect,” I agreed, walking by Margo, squeezing her arm. She covered my hand with hers and then patted it quickly before I withdrew and started walking.

“Do you think Mommy can see me now?”

“Yes,” I said with certainty.

“If I write Santa, can he bring her back?”

“No. Santa can’t reach heaven. Only God can go there.”

“I don’t want to go see him at the mall, then, okay?”

“Okay.”

I walked on and she was quiet for a few minutes.

“It smells good outside, huh?”

“Yes, it does,” I agreed.

We both heard shoes hitting the pavement behind us, and then suddenly Wade was on my right.

“Hi, Uncle Wade,” Alice said quietly. “Do you want yogurt too?”

“I do,” he assured her as he put a hand on my back. I stopped in place. “And I wanted to talk to Kevin.”

“I like riding on Kevin. I never fall off his shoulders.”

“That’s because he has massive ones.”

“Does massive mean big?”

“Yes.”

She nodded and brushed the hair back from my face, holding it so she could examine my eyebrows. “How come the right one is broken?”

“I had stitches through it when I was little, and the hair never grew back,” I explained.

“It’s kinda neat.”

“I’m glad you think so.” I chuckled, turning my head to look at Wade.

He trembled ever so slightly and the thought hit me that here before me was my best friend and he needed me desperately. Things that had seemed so vital now paled in comparison. What was truly important hit me like a train: family, friends, little girls who had lost their mothers, that was what mattered, not my anger or frustration, not what I wanted.

I lifted my hand from Alice’s knobby knee and reached for him.

He took one step closer but it seemed as far as he could go.

“Come here,” I whispered.

My gentle demand prodded him to move. He lurched forward, pressed his cheek into my palm before he kissed it, then let me slide my hand around the back of his neck and pull him to me.

“If you could please just give me another chance,” he whimpered, arms wrapping around my waist, face pressed into the side of my neck. “I just need—”

“Yesterday this thing… between us… mattered,” I husked into his hair, his face in my hand before I eased back, wanting him away from me before I kissed him. “But not today, not anymore.”

“It does still matter,” he clarified, his eyes swimming with tears, “because you’re talking about my whole life. What’s gone is the distance you forced on us.”

“Wade––”

“Right?” he asked, his voice so hopeful.

“Yes,” I agreed, because it was true. I didn’t feel the same. Everything was different.

“Okay,” he said, twisting free of my hand, then pushing back in close, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I didn’t know what to do.

He gave me all his weight, leaning heavily. Holding on and having him in my arms felt too good to stop. I registered a moment later that he was softly weeping.

“It’s gonna be okay, Uncle Wade,” Alice crooned, petting him. “When you stop crying, can we go get my yogurt?”

She was six, it was all about her and there was something so comforting about that.

“I need to talk to you later,” he whispered as he eased back.

“Whatever you want,” I promised.

“I want you to stay here with me.”

And I would, because whatever feelings I had about him and me had drowned under a deluge of sadness and loss and reality. I didn’t want space between us anymore—it was a waste of time and I had been given a hard lesson in priorities. I needed to see him and listen.

 

 

WE WENT to a small park after we had yogurt, and Alice got to swing with some other kids while Wade and I sat across from each other at a picnic table and watched.

“So?” I said, keeping her in my sight line. “Tell me what happened.”

He raked his fingers through his thick hair like he did when he was upset, and lifted his red-rimmed, tear-swollen eyes to gaze at me. “It’s a fuckin’ mess.”

I had no doubt.

“Did you know she and Tom were separated?”

“No,” I sighed. “She never mentioned it when we talked.”

He nodded. “Yeah, well, they were, but even though Tom moved out, they were supposed to be working things out.”

“But?”

“Georgia was trying, but Tom wasn’t,” he explained, voice quavering. “He, in fact, had a new woman in his life. Lauren Ralston.”

“Why do I know that name?”

“She’s in the news a lot, doing shit for the city, donating something or other. She’s a fuckin’ heiress to some big candy corporation. Georgia told me she knew Tom would love that, being a kept man, since he’d never been one for any real work.”

“Sure,” I agreed, not wanting him to stop.

“So while Georgia’s trying to keep her marriage together, Tom’s planning on getting a divorce. He finally ’fessed up when she followed him out to Napa to some fancy bed and breakfast on Friday and confronted him in the lobby as he and Lauren were leaving.”

I could only imagine how hurt and humiliated she must have been.

“Fuck, Kev,” Wade said, exhaling sharply, scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. “She called me and left a message because she knew I was in class. I mean, I put my phone on silent during the day because––” He choked. “I––”

“Stop,” I ordered, my tone hard. “She didn’t call the school. If she had interrupted class, you would have dropped everything and gone to her. But she didn’t, so she must have been okay then. She was never like that, she was never a martyr. When she needed something, she asked. I loved that about her. She was always so honest.”

He nodded quickly.

“So you gotta let that go. No more second-guessing yourself or what you ‘should’ve’ done. That choice wasn’t there.”

“Yeah,” he admitted, taking a quick shuddering breath before he plowed on. “On her voice mail she was bawling but laughing at the same time. She said she and Tom had it out in front of God and the whole world.”

Thinking of her laughing made me smile just for a moment. She had always been able to see the absurdity in most situations, and I could imagine her telling her brother about her latest adventure.

“She said she’d call me later and I could take her for a steak or something, so I thought––she sounded good, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“But from what the police said when they talked to the staff, Tom chased her outside, and they had a shouting match and it escalated from there. Everyone said how cold Tom was and how sad Georgia was, just in tears, and then she drove away really fast.”

I had to hear it all, and more importantly, he needed to tell me. “Go on.”

“So Tom jumped in his car and went after Georgia, and I guess, from what he told the police, she was just flying down the road and he was trying to call her and she wouldn’t pick up—” His breath hitched, voice cracking. “––and she was supposed to make a left onto 29 South, but she was going too fast, and it was pouring.”

I knew exactly where she’d been.

“I mean, we’ve been there together, you and me, me and her, we’ve all driven that road and there’s nothing difficult about the merge, but….” His eyes locked with mine and I saw the pleading in his gaze. He needed me to make it all a big mistake. “She was going so fast and it was raining so hard.”

“And crying,” I added.

“Yeah,” he muttered. “All that.”

“Finish,” I prodded gently.

He took a deep breath. “The car rolled five times; she was pronounced dead at the scene.”

“Jesus,” I groaned, reaching out and grabbing his hand tight. “I’m so sorry.”

He nodded, covering our clasped hands with his other. “Me too.”

After a few minutes of silence, him pulling himself together, me thinking about all the what-ifs, I asked the question. “So, what now?”

His tears made his dark blue eyes glimmer. “Now there’s decisions to be made.”

I waited.

“You ready?”

“For what? None of the decisions are mine.”

“Oh, the hell they’re not.”

I was so confused.

He cleared his throat. “When my sister and Tom separated, she changed her will.”

“Changed her will how?”

“Georgia changed where Alice would go if something ever happened to her.”

“She’ll go to Tom.”

“No.”

“No?”

He let go of my hand, walked around the table, and sat down beside me. “I guess Georgia asked Al who she wanted to live with if anything happened to her.”

“Seriously? Who asks a six-year-old that?” But truthfully, I knew the answer. Wade’s little sister Georgia was a headstrong, wild spirit. It made sense that she would give her daughter the same consideration her parents had always given her.

“Come on.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said with a grunt. “The second it was out of my mouth, I knew better.”

His eyes glinted when he smiled. “She was insane.”

“In a good way,” I reminded him.

“Yeah,” he husked.

“Okay,” I said, clearing my throat. “So, who gets Alice?”

He turned from looking at his niece to me. “It’s you.”

I stared at him. “What?”

“Alice picked you, and Georgia put that in her will.”

“No.” I was stunned.

“Oh yes.”

“Yeah, but in all seriousness, Tom will get her.”

“He doesn’t want her.”

“What?”

“He messengered papers over this morning. That’s why Margo was here. She was trying to tell us that she and her folks still wanted Alice even if Tom didn’t.”

“You’re serious?”

“I am.”

“Why wouldn’t Tom want his kid?”

“Well, before, he was planning to divorce Georgia and make a new start with his girlfriend, and now I’m sure he feels so guilty that he can’t even bear to look at Alice.”

“Are you fucking with me?”

He shook his head. “He made provisions for Alice. There’s a trust, but… he’s washing his hands of her.”

“Poor kid, to lose her mother and her father in one day––fuck.”

“Tom’s been out of the picture for a while.”

“Yeah, but it’s different now,” I said, my voice ragged with sadness. “Why would he leave his daughter?”

“I don’t know, and honestly I don’t give a shit. He’s gone, that’s all I care about.”

“Whaddya mean gone?”

“He left with Lauren last night for Paris. He’s out of the country.”

“Holy shit.”

“That’s about it.”

“His parents can contest it.”

“Not with him leaving and the legal papers all drawn up. All of this is six months old.”

I shifted on the bench to face him. “She made me guardian while I was gone?”

“Yeah. Apparently Georgia told Alice that if anything happened to her, you would never be gone again.”

“So why would Margo come to talk to your folks about getting Alice back if I’m Alice’s guardian?”

“Because she assumed that they’d go to court to get custody from you.”

“They don’t have to. I’ll sign Alice over to—”

“No, you won’t.”

I stood up. “Have you lost your mind? Of course I’ll—”

“No,” he snapped, getting to his feet and taking my face in his hands. “You’ll give me joint custody, and we’ll raise Alice together, you and me. It’s what my parents want.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

“Don’t you get it? This is what Georgia wanted. If she couldn’t be here, who else but you would she want guarding her daughter, protecting her daughter for the rest of her life? She always called you her—”

“Guard dog,” I whispered.

He nodded, staring up into my eyes. “Yeah.”

“But she loved you more.”

“And this was her forcing my hand, forcing me to say what I should have the day my divorce was final.”

“I—what?”

“That I have been in love with you, Kevin Chaney, since I was thirteen years old. I was just too stupid to know it.”

I couldn’t breathe.

He brushed his thumbs over my cheeks as he held my gaze and smiled. “You know, I was coming to talk to you because I finally was ready to hear no. I was so afraid before, and when you found me kissing that guy at my house—it’s stupid, but I was checking to see: am I gay for everyone or just Kevin?”

I didn’t want to interrupt him, just wanted him to keep talking.

“And so, yeah,” he said hoarsely, stepping closer, “it’s just you. Always has been, always will be.”

Worst day of my life and best day of my life all together. I had to sit again.

“I’m sorry,” he said, standing over me as I flopped down on the bench. “It’s a lot to take in, and my timing is shitty.”

He turned to go, but I was faster. I had my hand wrapped tight around his wrist before he could take a step away.

“Kev?” he asked breathlessly.

“Don’t you ever fuckin’ leave me,” I growled.

His eyes were huge and round when my gaze flicked up to meet his.

“Did you hear me?”

He nodded, fast.

“Then sit down.”

Moving quickly, he sat down close, crowding against me, his hand gripping the inside of my thigh as he wedged his shoulder against mine.

“How long have you wanted me?” I asked.

“Since I was thirteen,” he said, watching Alice, his eyes on her but his focus on me. “I thought I explained that already?”

“You married Anne.”

“I loved Anne. Still do, she’s one of my best friends. And I thought marrying a woman would give me all the things I wanted.”

“Home. Kids. Stuff like that.”

“Yes.”

“But it didn’t.”

“Because I wasn’t happy. You can’t live half a life, Kev, and now I know that.”

I lifted my hand and put it on his back, gently, reverently, knowing that under the leather jacket and heavy wool sweater was smooth, sleek skin that I really wanted to touch.

“It was stupid to not go directly to you the second the divorce was final, but I was scared too. What if you didn’t want me? You’re my best friend; I didn’t want to lose you. It’s scary to know when you should look and when you should just leap.”

“I know.”

“And then you walked in that night and found me kissing that guy, and it was an experiment, but how horrible would that have sounded?”

He was right.

“I had to know if I should start dating or simply lie in wait for you.”

“What was your conclusion?”

His gaze moved from his niece and met mine. “That waiting on you was my only option.”

“I left because I thought you didn’t want me.”

“You communicate for shit.”

“You’re no better.”

He nodded. Then he looked back toward Alice, and she was suddenly there, right there, in front of him. She startled both of us.

“I had no idea you could move that fast,” Wade teased.

“Or that quiet,” I chimed in, scowling at her.

Her fingers were laced together, her eyes were wide, almost hopeful, and the smile was disconcerting. It was her mother’s mischievous grin curling the daughter’s lips, and for a moment, she took my breath away. God, she was going to be stunning, and a handful.

“Uncle Wade, are you going to kiss Kevin?”

“What?” he gasped, obviously surprised by the question.

She looked like she was positively thrumming with anticipation. “Mommy said I could live with Kevin if she went to heaven, and she said that you could stay too, but you had to kiss him.”

“Your mother…,” he rasped, because there was so much to say. “Your mother.”

She swallowed hard. “Will you read to me tonight?”

“Yes.”

“Will we sleep here or at Kevin’s house or at your new house?”

“You have a new house?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said pointedly, speaking to both Alice and me at the same time. “I was looking for a fresh start, and so I bought a home in Pacific Heights. It’s a chateau style, and there’s lots of room for the three of us.”

Alice clapped her hands and lunged at her uncle, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing tight.

“I can visit,” I told him. “You keep her with you and—”

“No,” he said huskily. “This is not something that was forced on me; I’m ready for my life to start with you. I was coming to get you anyway, Kevin. At this point, right now; you would have been mine.”

He was so matter-of-fact.

“You would have said no to me?” His cobalt eyes were locked on my face, and I found that for all my bravado and repression and stiff upper lip, I just wanted him. He was always supposed to belong to me.

“No. I would have said yes. It was always yes.”

He leaned forward with Alice in his arms, slid a hand across my cheek, and plastered his mouth to mine, his lips parting the second they made contact.

Finally.

 

 

Epilogue

 

HE WAS right: the house was gorgeous, and there were no bad memories there, nothing but new everything everywhere I looked. And that fast, it felt like home after just one evening, because Wade was making grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner and Alice was sitting in the reading nook looking out at the lights of the city. She had explained that she wanted her room just like it had been, except with a picture of Mommy on the nightstand by her bed.

We could do that.

She was so brave and hopeful. Wade promised her a puppy; I agreed to take her to the zoo on Monday morning. We were all playing hooky, her from school, me from crime, Wade from the auction house where he worked as an appraiser. That night in bed, he was lying beside Alice, reading, and when I leaned into the room to check on them, he threw back the cover on the queen-size bed. I walked around to the side, padding across the floor in my bare feet, to slide in next to him.

“Scoot closer.” He prodded me, and when I did, he reached under the blankets, slid a hand over my hip, and looked at me over his shoulder. “And I’ll take a kiss.”

“Will you?”

“And everything else.”

I surged forward and took his mouth as I’d done earlier in the day, falling into him, inhaling at the same time, wanting to taste him, lick, and suck, needing to own every part of the man. Never before had the urge been so wild, to be buried inside of him, not simply to sate a throbbing desire and satisfy years of longing, but even more, to connect and simply belong to him. I wanted to be his, and in return, I wanted his heart. “I’m all yours, you know that.”

He had always been able to read my mind. I had forgotten what that sounded like, felt like. “There should be no doubt.”

And I could see it clear as day, my whole life spread out in front of me. How funny that when you finally met the one, or got the one, everything fell into place. The stars dropped right out of the sky and lit your path home.

“Kiss me too, Kevin.”

I smiled against Wade’s mouth, wiped his tears away, because, like me, he was in heaven and hell at the exact same time. Our life was just beginning, and we still had to mourn for his sweet sister, who’d made all things possible.

But tomorrow would be a better day for the angel I would help raise, and I promised her that as I leaned across the man I loved and kissed her forehead.

“I know,” she told me. “We’ll make this room mine, and Monday we’ll go to the zoo and see the bears and the otters. I love them.”

“Me too,” I said as I pulled Wade back into my arms, and he did the same to her. “I can’t wait.”