Many people in long-term relationships report either not wanting as much sex as their partners, or wanting more. Some couples aren’t having sex at all because of that disconnect. Mindfulness can help us move through a low sex drive and into an even deeper sexual connection than we had in the early days of a relationship.
A meditation practice makes it hard to hide from your feelings. If you are feeling sexually disconnected from yourself and/or your partner, you’ll know it. That awareness is already a step toward reinvigorating your sexuality. It’s your job to keep shining that light of awareness on your sex life.
Mindfulness will also help you to understand the reasons behind your or your partner’s low sex drive. Being mindful with challenging experiences leads to acceptance. Acceptance of what is happening in the moment allows you to be kinder and more patient with yourself and others. This kindness and patience will be required to move through times when sexual connection is hard to come by.
Years ago, I had a string of relationships with people who were not interested in having sex with me. In the beginning we had tons of sex, of all kinds, and with abandon. But after a while the sex dwindled down to almost nothing. Before I had a daily meditation practice, I didn’t handle this well. I would cry, fight, and lie in bed next to my partner, sulking. I would agonize over what I wasn’t getting, and how we needed to fix the problem. I took their low sex drive as a personal insult. What I didn’t know at the time was that not getting laid was triggering a deep wound in me.
For many reasons, I equated sex with love. If my partner didn’t want to have sex with me, I subconsciously believed that they didn’t love me. Before meditation, I didn’t recognize what was happening. All I knew was that I felt awful, abandoned, and hopeless. I would cry and complain without taking the time to really look into what was going on. My reaction, of course, didn’t elicit a positive response. It made the divide between my partners and myself even greater.
When I introduced a daily meditation practice into my life, I started to wake up to the subconscious workings of my mind and emotions. I also began to see that in every problem there was a path to a deeper awakening. So I set out to utilize my new insight in my discomfort with being denied sex.
Over time, I learned to allow and accept my feelings of frustration. At first, I would need to get out of bed and go meditate in the bathroom until I felt less overwhelmed. Then I was able to stay in bed and continue interacting in a kind way with my partner. I was able to let the disappointment of not having sex pass through me. This made the experience less personal and less painful. As I became more advanced in my practice, I uncovered the self that felt it needed sex to be worthy of love. As soon I saw this as only a story, and not true, that self vanished.
All of this is not to say that you should stay in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs. Your partner will need to meet you halfway and work on their side of the issue. I don’t recommend resigning yourself to a sexless relationship, or secretly getting sex elsewhere. If you have done all you can do to address the situation and your partner isn’t willing to budge, it may be time to move on. At the same time, be gentle, compassionate, and kind as you discover if this is the right relationship for you. For some, low sex drive or sexual blocks can be the result of past sexual abuse. Even if that’s not the case, this material doesn’t get worked out overnight. It will take time and perhaps professional assistance.
Mindfulness alone may not be enough to shift your sexual connection with your partner. There are many types of sex therapy or coaching that can help with this issue. Get all the support you can. It will be worth it.
Make the most of this time. If you are not getting the sexual connection you desire, use the challenge as an opportunity to grow. Start focusing on what desire and unrequited sexual energy has to teach you. An important part of the spiritual path is learning to observe our desires with equanimity.
There is nothing wrong with desire. We all experience desire everyday: We desire to eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, and sleep when tired. Sexual desire is like that—simply a human desire. How you react to your sexual desire is the difference between it becoming a vehicle for suffering or something that you can learn from.
All desire is made up of the same stuff: our thoughts and emotional sensations. FOCUS ON SELF can show you desire is no different from any other manifestation of self. You can work with it the same way you would sadness, anger, joy, or embarrassment. Once you learn to deconstruct desire in one area, it will be easier to deconstruct other desires as well.
Try the following exercise with something less challenging than sexual desire first, such as food, to get a taste for how it works.
Now, try something similar with your sexual desire. You can even do this in bed next to your partner. It’s a hell of a lot better than sulking, complaining, and blaming. Get to the bottom of your desire so that you will be better able to mindfully find a solution for the lack of sex in your relationship.
Cultivating acceptance with sexual desire doesn’t mean trying to scrub yourself clean of all wanting. Like I said, there is nothing wrong with desire, including sexual desire. Unless you plan to spend some time being celibate, these suggestions are not meant to rid you of the wonderful feeling of wanting to fuck or make love. Instead, this work will help you not to be overrun and overwhelmed with desire. When you are contracted around wanting, and suffering as a result, it’s hard to connect with your partner or enact positive change.
I went through a period of low sex drive while I was in the process of preparing to write this book. This was strange and uncommon for me, and the fact that I was writing about the joys and wonders of sex at the time made it all the odder. I was the woman who loved sex and could never get enough. Where had she gone? She wasn’t as solid as I wanted to think she was. Honestly, I knew she wasn’t permanent, but I hated to see her go. It was fun inhabiting that self.
Meditation can show us that there is no solid self that we can rely on to stay the same. Instead, we learn that there are endless arising’s of self. These selves are made up of thoughts and emotional sensations. That’s it. Most people are walking around with total belief that they are their thoughts and emotions. In doing so, they limit themselves to a very small version of who they can be.
You are NOT your thoughts and emotions. Yes, your thoughts and emotions are part of what makes up your experience, but that’s not all you are. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts and emotions express. And you certainly don’t have to act on them. It’s okay to witness the activity of self in meditation. You don’t have to get involved. This saying can be helpful: Don’t just do something. Sit there.
One of the many downsides of believing your thoughts and emotions to be you is that you become very attached to certain versions of yourself. All the energy that goes into holding on to who we think we are could be better used finding out what we actually are: something vast, without edges, and beautifully mysterious. When my hypersexual self was ready to die, I mourned but did not hang on to her sleeve and beg her to stay. I knew that this was the next natural evolution in my spiritual development.
I’m what Buddhists call a “householder.” I don’t live in a monastery, and I have a career, rent to pay, and a romantic partner. It was important to me to continue to nurture my relationship. Part of that meant working through my low sex drive and finding a new way to connect sexually. My partner was incredibly supportive and understanding, and also challenged at times. It’s a bummer to get turned down again and again, as I well knew based on my past experiences. I was pretty sure that my sex drive would return at some point, I just didn’t know when.
I knew I couldn’t rush the process that was unfolding. The transition from who I had been sexually to who I would become was going to take as long as it took. What I could do was be patient and kind with myself as the evolution occurred. I could also take some action. Because I had experience coaching others through low sex drive issues, my tool kit was full.
Your sexuality is a relationship like any other. It needs your attention and care. Often times, especially in long-term relationships, people stop nurturing their own sexuality and then wonder why they never have sex.
I suggest that you attend to your sexuality the same way you would with your spiritual practice, physical exercise, or a relationship with a dear friend. Give it time, attention, commitment, and mindfulness. Don’t just expect it to dole out benefits without any effort on your part. Good sex requires that everyone involved has a healthy and active relationship with their own sexuality. Engaging with yourself in this way will make you available to support and nourish your sexual relationship with your partner.
Just like any part of your life, your sex life needs your energy. There may be times when most of the energy needs to go elsewhere, but don’t forget to feed your sexual piggybank a bit every day. Give at least a little attention to the sexual health of your relationship even when your schedule is full. There are lots of small ways you can do this. The tools that I’ve included here are only a few that have been helpful to me and others. You’ll need to tailor your tool kit to best suit you and your partner’s needs.
With all of these tools, I invite you to use your mindfulness practice as you try them out. Notice how your body feels as you learn new ways to connect with your partner sexually. Stay in touch with the activity of thoughts and emotions, and remember you don’t have to attach yourself to any one identity. Always work toward what in Buddhism is called the Middle Way: the middle point between excess and denial. Don’t become attached to outcomes or getting it right, but don’t hold back and limit your expansion either. Balance is the aim here.
Text messaging is a fun and simple way to create and sustain sexual energy with your partner. It’s a kind of daily foreplay practice right at your fingertips. A sexual text can be anything from a sweet and suggestive text to an X-rated video message you make on your lunch break. Even just a few sexy texts a day could help you to relight that spark. This is also a great thing to do while in a long distance relationship or when you are away from your partner for extended periods. Skype and other kinds of video chat can also come in handy when you are apart and wanting to keep your sexual connection alive.
Remember that tone is often lost in texting. You might mean one thing, and your partner might read something very different. Your mindfulness practice will help you to navigate any misunderstanding, but sometimes you need to put down the device and just talk in person.
Adding more sensuality to your life can easily translate into more sex. Buy some new bedding in warm and fiery red tones. Wear silk. Make a meal that turns you on. Light delicious and earthy-scented candles. Create a playlist of rich and sensual music. Repaint your bedroom. Try a new perfume or cologne. Enjoy the sensations of your breath.
Directing your attention to sensuality and refining your aesthetic tastes in creative ways will awaken those parts of you. As you sink into beauty and your sensual nature, allow the ripples to reach your sexual expression as well.
The way we feel on the inside is often reflected in how we present ourselves outwardly. If you are in the midst of a drop in your sex drive, you might find that working from the outside in can help. Give yourself a little extra time to get ready each morning, even if you work from home. Take your time bathing and grooming. If you wear makeup, apply it gently and with mindfulness. Style your hair the way that you find most flattering. Choose the clothing that you feel most attractive in. Starting your day in this way will give you a sense of self-love that can ignite some sexual energy inside of you.
This is all about how you feel, not what others think. If overalls and a bonnet make you feel attractive, go for it!
There are so many pleasurable experiences in any given day, and learning to tune into them can enliven your sexual self. Eating, urinating, and lying down at the end of the day are all simple activities that can actually be quite pleasurable. All it takes is your attention to change these activities from routine to profoundly pleasure producing.
Sensitizing yourself to pleasure will open you to receive more. Simple pleasure awareness can jumpstart your sex drive by reminding you how good it feels to feel good. Remember that truly enjoying pleasure requires letting go of attachment to pleasure, untangling from thoughts, and being in your body. The PLEASURE BOOST can help you to notice and explore pleasure and have equanimity toward it.
When one is on either side of a period of low sex drive, there can be a lot of pressure. Every night as you climb into bed there is both a sense of doom and a distant hope. The longer you go without having sex, the more the pressure builds. A movie with a sex scene reminds you that you are not having sex. Your newly partnered friends who are in the first flush remind you that you are not having sex. It starts to feel like there’s nothing that doesn’t remind you that you are not having sex! This pressure can begin to put the relationship in a frozen state. All the fun drains out, and there is a sense of disconnection. What you need is to get connected in a fun way.
Something I sometimes suggest at this juncture is to take sex off the table. For the low-sex drive partner, this can be a huge relief. For the partner with higher sexual desire, this can actually be a relief as well—if sex is off the table, you can relax and not worry about being rejected. But when you take sex off the table, you have to replace it with something fun.
First, set a period of time to take sex off the table. I suggest two weeks. During this time, I highly recommend connecting physically with each other. Cuddle, hold hands, even make out, but take any version of sex out of the scenario. You may find that when the pressure of sex is no longer there, affection comes easier and more often. The low sex-drive partner isn’t worried that they will disappoint when a spooning session doesn’t turn into sex. The partner with a higher sex drive doesn’t have to worry about feeling rejected. Sit down with your partner and write a list of fun activities you can do together for the two-week period. Aim to have at least a few big-ticket items. Maybe a weekend trip to the desert or the mountains, skydiving, or a trip to the theater. If money is an issue, Google cheap and free things to do in your city. There are lots of options. Along with the more ambitious activities, plan a bunch of simple and fun outings or homebound activities. Do a puzzle together, learn to play chess, go on a hike that you’ve never done before, try a dance class, read a funny book aloud, have a dance party in your living room, binge watch a silly show, and eat take out for lunch and dinner. You get the idea.
If you truly commit yourselves to this endeavor, you will be delighted with the results. You’ll feel closer and the relationship will be energized with all the fun you’ve had. This is a version of the POSITIVITY BOOST in action. Rather than directing your attention to what isn’t feeling good, you instead focus on what does.
After the period of no sex, plan a time to reintroduce it. Give yourselves a few hours to hang out in your birthday suits. Take your time and keep coming back to relaxation and breath. It is a good idea to keep the expectations neutral. You may not have sex that first time or even the second. But if you can move through whatever happens with a fun and loving attitude, you’ll be headed down the right path.
When I was a kid there was a lot of talk about the bases. First base was kissing. Second base was hands under the shirt, and shirt off. Third base was hands down the pants, and pants off. A home run was pretty self-explanatory. For the purposes of this exercise, let’s include any oral sex in the home-run category. Using these bases can be a fun and low-pressure way to connect sexually.
Set a “First Base Date.” You can include dinner and movie, or it can be a time purely reserved for kissing. Try to recall and encourage that feeling of a first kiss. Explore each other’s mouths. Kiss until your lips are swollen. But don’t go past first base. Set your next date to go to second. Next, set a date for third base. Plan a little extra time for this one. First through third is a lot of territory to cover if you are taking your time. Finally, set the date for a home run. Don’t forget the other bases on your way there!
Use your mindfulness practice as you have fun working your way through the bases. BASIC BODY AWARENESS and PLEASURE BOOST are two techniques that will help you stay with your body and focus on all the delightful sensations.
When doing this exercise, remember that you can always stop. You can always go back a base. Consent is always a rule in this game.
I dedicated a whole chapter to communication because of how important it is. I want to revisit that now. More often than not, I hear about couples not having sex because one or both of them are not getting what they want. For example, I’ve heard from many women that they want their partner to be more aggressive and dominant. I also hear from people that they want slower lovemaking, more foreplay (use those bases!), certain toys or props to be involved or to incorporate porn into sex with their partners. Because so many people are too shy to talk about sex, their desires are never spoken aloud. So, rather than open up and speak, they just opt to limit sexual contact. That is a real shame.
In our culture, sex is still taboo, and people don’t know how to talk about it—not even with their partners. I suggest that you start your own sexual revolution by asking for what you want. You can be scared, but do it anyway. You can be embarrassed, but do it anyway. The more you express your sexual wants and needs, the more comfortable you will get with it. If you have a partner that isn’t willing to answer your call, you may need to reexamine the relationship. If they don’t want what you want, it doesn’t make them wrong or bad. But it might make them not the right person for you. You won’t know until you ask.
Kindness, patience, and compassion for yourself and your partner are the keys to good communication. Allow those traits to be the foundation for asking for what you want and discussing what your partner wants. If one of you is unable to be present and mindful, take a breather and come back to the talk when you can both hold space for each other.
What eventually turned out to be most helpful for me in reconnecting with my sex drive was role-playing. No, not that kind of role-playing. There were no sexy nurse outfits, or badly done accents. What I’m referring to is a lot simpler and doesn’t involve any props. It just requires you, and the awareness that there is not only one you.
On any given day, endless versions of self arise and pass. There’s the you who wakes up grumpy, or the you who wakes up feeling refreshed. There’s the you who is annoyed that your partner forgot to buy toothpaste, and the you who wants poached eggs today. There is the you who flirts with the cutie in the elevator, and the you who is feeling the pressure of an upcoming deadline. There is the you who feels a pang of grief when thinking about your orange striped cat that died a few months ago, and the you who enjoys the scent of a black Sharpie pen. All of these selves are made up of thoughts and emotions—impermanent material. There are never-ending selves, and when you fully understand that, you can begin to choose which self you want to inhabit moment by moment.
This freedom to be who you want to be is a fantastic tool for increasing your sex drive. This is an advanced practice and may not be available to everyone. As you continue to dive into your mindfulness practice, it will start to make more sense. Here is an example of how you might engage in awakened role-playing.
Having low sex drive or a partner with low sex drive can seem like a big problem. Actually, like any other “problem,” this challenge can make way for gifts you never expected. Low sex drive can lead you to new ways of making love, more honest communication, and even new ways to explore awakening.
Taking some time off from sex (even with yourself ) can be a powerful way to grow emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. If you find yourself in dysfunctional romantic relationship patterns, taking sex out of the equation can help tremendously in creating a shift. Sometimes abstinence can also be vital for healing when working through sexual trauma. There are also some who decide that sex, and everything that comes with it, is an unnecessary distraction from waking up. Many monastic traditions have adopted a vow of abstinence as a way to more fully focus on the path of spiritual awakening. You can probably guess that I won’t be taking that route anytime soon.
Around the time that I quit drinking and set my sights on waking up, I decided to take six months off from sex. I had been in one disastrous relationship after another, and I was ready for a new experience. It was suggested to me that I shouldn’t date or have sex for a while, and with much hemming and hawing, I begrudgingly took the challenge. I can’t say I did it perfectly, but I did my best. A few months in, I had one little almost slip with an ex-girlfriend that ended in me crying. That made it clear that I needed to stay on the abstinence wagon. After six months, I tried again, with awkward consequences. This time it was a handsome guy with good tattoos who was an amazing kisser. That also didn’t go so well and we didn’t hit a home run. I felt sad, confused, and just not ready. I decided to tack another six months onto my abstinence.
At the end of my year of celibacy, I found myself two weeks into a relationship with an incredibly kind man. On Valentine’s Day we said I love you for the first time and had sex. Yep, kind of sickeningly sweet, but it was lovely. It was probably some of the most connected and intimate sex I had ever had up until that point. That relationship was my first fairly healthy one. No cheating, no lying, and no abuse. That was the beginning of me finding out that it was possible to have a loving and functional romantic relationship. I know that the year of celibacy was a major factor in that change.
When I go on meditation retreats or do certain spiritual practices, I abstain from sex for set periods of time. It’s always quite easy to do, perhaps because I have completed that year of abstinence. I actually quite enjoy those periods. It’s a time for me to delve into other parts of myself and direct my focus in a sharp and clear way. I certainly suggest trying this out, even for just a few weeks. If you have a partner, you’ll have to negotiate with them on this. Don’t forget that you and your personal growth are not the only thing that matter when you have a honey. If you want to live like a monk long term, you might need to let your lover go, or find one who wants to be celibate too.
You can use your meditation tools to address any cravings or strong emotions that arise during your sex-free time. There is a lot of fuel for your psycho-spiritual growth available when you remove such a primal activity from your life. Use it!
I remember the first time I noticed how mindfulness could relieve craving. Shortly after I quit drinking, I found myself with a sweet tooth for the first time ever. I was having a hard time letting go of my newfound drug of choice: sugar. Out to dinner with friends at a local diner one night, I couldn’t stop eyeing the dessert case. I didn’t want to order a piece of the berry cream cake, but I felt like I had no choice.
Luckily for me, I had been practicing mindfulness for a few months, and the benefits began to kick in. I tuned in to my thoughts and emotions and started to practice Focus On Self. I noticed that the thoughts about wanting the cake just kept looping in on themselves, in an almost comical way. I was able to stop contracting around them and instead just allow them to arise and pass. Then I began to touch into what was happening in my body. There was a strong pressure in my chest. It felt like the physical manifestation of grasping. As I softened around it, the intensity increased for a moment. But as I kept gently bringing mindfulness to the experience, the sensation loosened up, and it actually began to feel good. Within a few moments, the craving passed completely, and I skipped the cake.
The experience of being mindful with any craving is no different from the story I just shared. Notice the thoughts and emotions associated with sexual craving. When you feel that urge arise, take a few deep breaths and start to focus on the activity in your mind and the sensations in your body. You’ll be amazed at how quickly a craving can pass if you just take those simple steps.
Here is a meditation for working with craving. This is a technique to use when a craving is arising.
While you are exploring celibacy this technique will be quite helpful. Take the time to pause with your craving, really exploring the waves of sensation. Learning to pause and hang out with the sensations of craving will not only support your celibacy but also be a great tool for any other cravings you want to get perpective on.
Some say that living a life of celibacy is easier than engaging in romantic relationships and having sex. I have to say I understand this. Being in a relationship is hard. It will bring up the best and worst in you, challenging you in ways you might not have imagined beforehand. It is easier, in a sense, to call that part of life off and just focus on your spiritual practice. For many of us, though, that’s not an option. I’d rather face the challenge of being a sexual animal head on, ferocious and free. There is a spiritual path that leads to all kinds of awakenings, that traverses right through romantic love, lust, and sex. It’s the path of the householder, a path of radical humanity, a path of pleasure and suffering and beauty. I deeply respect the people who choose to dedicate their lives only to waking up and then helping others to do the same. I also respect the people who choose to do the same thing, but down in the village rather than up on the mountain top.