You are a beautiful and remarkably singular creation. There is nothing else quite like you and there never will be. You are one with everything, but you are also unique and rare beyond measure. So it only makes sense that you have your own personal sexual creativity and imagination.
This creative current of sexual desire and fantasy changes and evolves as you do. The more you get conscious, curious, and accepting of your personal sexual twists and kinks, the more fun and depth will be available to you. Making friends with your sexual appetites is the beginning of a spectacular relationship with yourself. Don’t wait another day to introduce yourself to your desires and fantasies. You deserve to open up to all of the wonders that your sexual creativity holds for you.
When I began to realize that I didn’t have to be ashamed of my sexual fantasies, it felt like being released from a cage. As sex-positive as I’ve always been, it was hard to fathom that I was the one holding the key to that cage. All those years of hiding aspects of my sexual appetite fell away.
I spent a lot of time in fantasy when I was younger. I had a girlfriend who used to shake her head and say to me you are always off in a fantasy land. She wasn’t talking about a sexy fantasy. She meant that I was always stuck in my thoughts. Obsessing about one thing or another, replaying a fight we had the day before, or just plain not being present. At the time, I had no idea what she meant when she said this. At some point, long after that relationship had ended, my meditation practice showed me exactly what she was referring to. I had been living in a fantasy land in my head.
Before waking up, we are all living in a fantasy. Sometimes we are living in more than one fantasy. There is the fantasy of separation—believing that you are separate from everything else. Once you have had the insight of oneness, you can never fully believe that again. Or there is the fantasy of immortality—that old age, illness, and death will never come for us and those we love. The emphasis on illness and death in certain spiritual traditions is there for a good reason: to wake you up from the fantasy that it’s not going to happen to you. Fantasy can be a lifelong companion.
At a smaller level, we are constantly indulging in fantasies, second by second in daily life. Maybe you are telling yourself that you are unlovable because someone you went on a date with hasn’t texted you back. Or maybe you are telling yourself that you are a failure after being let go from your job. Those are negative examples; positive fantasies can be just as dangerous. Telling yourself that you are infallible and never make mistakes can lead to an unhealthy cycle of perfectionism. Any story that you tell yourself which assumes a fixed state—where you are either one thing or another—is a fantasy and can lead to suffering.
Until you learn to deconstruct and witness your own thoughts, you won’t recognize all of the unhealthy fantasies in your daily life. Meditation can help facilitate that process. Sexual fantasy, on the other hand, can be healthy and creative. But you won’t have the mental energy to spend on sexual fantasy as long as you are continuing to indulge in fantasies in your daily life. So, if you are interested in incorporating fantasy into your sex life, I also recommend taking the time to deconstruct (using your meditation practice) the fantasies that exist in your day-to-day life. That way you’ll get the most out of what your imagination cooks up in the bedroom. You can think of this as giving your imagination an oil change. Your meditation practice will remove all the gunk, or really your belief in and attachment to the gunk, leaving the engine of your imagination clean and ready to create some naughty fantasies. What adventures and pleasure are ready to spring from your and your partner’s imaginations? As you start to explore, you’ll see that the material is endless. This is a place where being able to use your mind, rather than it using you, really comes in handy. The mind is your most important sex organ.
You don’t want to get set exclusively on one fantasy or to need fantasy every time to get off. That takes you right back to getting stuck in fantasy and relying on it. Instead, use fantasy as one of the many delicious flavors of good sex. And allow variety into your fantasy life—let it be limitless. Some of the fantasies that surface in your mind might surprise you (and your partners!), and that’s great, as long as you both feel comfortable bringing them to life. There may be other fantasies that you are bothered by and judge harshly. You will want to deal with the pesky judgment that arises to try and beat your fantasies down.
Judgment and fear make us contract emotionally and mentally, which leads to suffering. What if you were allowed to share all your fantasies with yourself, and maybe with a partner too? What might that open up in you? How might you expand and grow, spiritually and sexually, as a result?
Sharing your fantasies can be uncomfortable. It can be a sensitive thing to talk about your desire for more domination or submission. You may be worried about how your partner will take your fantasy about a threesome. It might feel embarrassing to tell your partner that you want to dress up in a white coat and play doctor. Maybe it feels too uncomfortably intimate to share your wish to explore Tantric sex, or orgasmic meditation. Your mind can convince you that it’s too scary to speak your fantasies out loud to your partner.
But you don’t have to listen to your mind when it tells you to hide your sexual fantasy land away. You are a creative being, and shutting any aspect of self down is a recipe for suffering. We owe ourselves and our partners the gift of our unique sexual imagination. Allowing for free expression leads us into the mystery that good sex really is. Good sex is not some planned out, sterile activity. It’s a flowing, ever-changing activity that can only fully blossom when we open the gates and let it out to play.
Each time you shine the light of awareness on your sexual fantasies, you are knowing yourself more deeply. Don’t be surprised if honoring your fantasies in your sex life allows you to honor your healthy fantasies in all regions of your life. You may find that simply being willing to share your fantasy to drink a root beer float while you get head gives a voice to your fantasy of learning to play the piano. When you expand your sexual horizons you expand your life. You may not be ready to share all your fantasies with someone else, and that’s okay. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction.
Keep in mind that some fantasies are just that. Fantasies. Just because you have a rape fantasy, as a large number of women do, doesn’t in any way mean that you actually want to be raped. It’s okay to have violent or taboo fantasies. It’s okay to act them out in a safe and consensual way. Your sexuality is yours and there is nothing to judge or be ashamed of.
Here is a writing exercise to help you get started down the path to freeing your fantasies.
Once you’ve had the chance to work with this exercise a few times, try talking to a partner (or friend, therapist, or teacher) about one of your fantasies. You don’t have to rush in to anything or pressure yourself. Just take it easy and allow your fantasies to come out of hiding. As you learn to nurture and share your sexual creativity and imagination, your life will take on a special glow. This is the glow of dancing with the beautiful creative mystery of life. It’s a dance that will keep changing and delighting you for all of your days.
Having a threesome is a fantasy that a lot of folks have. But a threesome isn’t just something to drunkenly stumble into (as many people do). A threesome asks you to be even more present, because there are even more people involved. Being mindful with one person is important, and you have to double that level of mindfulness when you add another person into the mix.
My first threesome involved a lot of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum and a mattress on the floor. It was fun, sloppy, and we all had a good time. After that, my triad sexual experiences were all heavily supported by the use of alcohol. Sometimes the threesomes were the result of wanting to be physical with someone other than my partner, but not wanting to cheat. I always woke up the next morning feeling a little confused, a little guilty, and a lot hungover. I never really had to deal with the politics of a threesome, and certainly not the complex feelings that can arise, because I was not actually present. Another side effect of being checked out was that I missed out on how fun and sexy it can be to have an extra set of hands in the mix, or to watch your partner exploring another body. Today, I like to show up for everything, including my sex life.
And let me tell you: Fully experiencing a threesome is way better than drunkenly fumbling though one. Bringing mindfulness into your new sexual adventures magnifies them. The more you bring your practice into every aspect of your day, the more you have the potential to lead an awakened life. If you get mindful about it, a threesome can be a spiritual path of its own.
There are, however, unique challenges and negotiations involved with bringing a third person into the bedroom. If you are considering inviting someone to join you and your partner, a mindful approach will make all the difference in navigating those challenges. Here are a few tips for making your threesome fantasy a reality that doesn’t require a bottle of rum.
The people you interact with, sexually or otherwise, shape your life. That’s why I am now very particular about who I love with, work with, and play with. For me it’s not enough to trust that a lover will be honest about STIs and aware of the importance of consent. I require mindfulness, kindness, emotional and mental health, light-heartedness, attraction that is not just skin deep, creativity, silliness, and at the very least, a desire to expand spiritually and wake up. And that’s the short list. This level of quality isn’t just something I want in a lover. I want my friends and colleagues to inspire and elevate those around them. I want the best and I deserve it. And so do you. So whether you are choosing partners for a threesome or choosing your employer, make sure you are reaching for the stars and beyond.
Another incredibly common fantasy is to get kinky and explore BDSM (Bondage & Discipline/Domination & Submissions/Sadism & Masochism). The Fifty Shades of Grey anthology, while laughably inaccurate when it comes to the kink lifestyle, brought BDSM to the masses. Soccer moms in middle America were introduced to their own secret “naughty girl” fantasies thanks to those books. Kink became something that wasn’t just for the leather daddies of San Francisco or the cool tattooed chicks in New York City. People shed the shame they had carried about their fantasy of getting tied up, or being called Sir, and did some online shopping for handcuffs and paddles. Not all of this was due to those silly books, but they certainly didn’t hurt Kink from going more mainstream. BDSM done right is all about mindful sex. There is a lot we can all learn (and enjoy) about the kink lifestyle.
In the BDSM community, communication and consent are like the bible in a Christian home. These values can set the stage for some amazing (and quite creative) sex sessions. Negotiating consent and boundaries before entering a BDSM scene is always required. Trust in your partner’s capacity to be honest, clear, and mindful make it possible to dive into the wild side with abandon. You don’t want to be bound and gagged without some conversation about boundaries first. The crystal-clear communication that is modeled by people well-versed in kink is a skill we should all strive for. The more communication there is, the fewer opportunities there are to cause or experience hurt or harm.
Sexual misconduct is taken very seriously with BDSM, and for good reason. This territory can be particularly dangerous if everyone involved isn’t operating from a conscious and compassionate place. I love how much the BDSM community honors and respects the philosophy of do no harm (while actually engaging in a lot of consensual harm!). We can all learn from their example.
Because of the intense power play involved in this type of sexual practice, being present and mindful is absolutely necessary. Some of the things you might encounter when exploring bondage, or anything that causes pain, can be triggering. Even if during the sex you are having a ball, sometimes you can feel quite emotionally tender after a session of that kind. This is where the all-important aftercare comes in.
The dominant partner has the pleasure and responsibility of comforting and soothing the submissive after BDSM play. I think that aftercare is a lovely thing to do, even when there are no red, sore bottoms or rope marks on wrists and ankles. Taking care of each other after sex builds a sense of trust, safety, and intimacy. I suggest even creating a post-sex ritual. It can be as simple as cleaning each other up with a soft towel, or always saving time for some cuddling afterward.
One staple in the world of kink when it comes to communication is a “safe word.” If you decide to explore the wild side a bit, make sure to choose one. This is a word you can say if you ever want to quickly put the brakes on a sex act. Sometimes with BDSM, saying things like No! Please stop! Anything but that! is part of the fun. So you want to be able to let your partner know if you really want them to stop. Make sure to pick a word that you and your partner will both remember if you need to use it. If you can’t come up with anything, just use Safe Word as your safe word. It’s your responsibility to use your safe word and respect your partner’s, without question, should it ever come up.
A question that I get from folks is, How do I say my safe word if I’m gagged? First off, I suggest that you only put yourself in that position with someone you know and trust (or a paid professional). Decide beforehand on a signal that can be given as a safe word. It could be that you have access to a strand of small bells, or the ability to move a hand or foot in a distinct way. You could also blink your eyes to communicate that you want to stop. Again, this type of play should only be done when there is a deep trust between partners. Having expert skill in communication and mindfulness will give you the chance to take your fantasy as far as you like.
Even if you aren’t planning to get kinky, you may want a safe word anyway. As your sex life expands, some of your boundaries may expand too. Having a quick and effective way to say I’m feeling uncomfortable and I want to stop will allow you more freedom and play in your sexual experiences. Of course, just saying stop is a perfectly good way to halt the action too. Either way, the clearer you are with your partner moment by moment, the more you can actually let go and surrender to the experience.
Surrendering to your partner and to your sexual fantasies can take you to places you’ve never even dreamed of. Both creative energy and sexual energy are endless, and where these two meet is a wonderland of intimacy, adventure, and pleasure. The idea of surrendering to someone or something can feel scary—like we are losing our own free will. But in truth, the more we surrender to what is, including our sexuality, the freer we really are. This doesn’t mean surrendering to every whim and fancy you have, or surrendering to someone who is not willing to surrender right back.
The spiritual path asks you to surrender again and again to what is. As you awaken, you have no choice but to surrender your personal will each and every time it tries to solidify. There are times you can fight what is for a little while, but not without much suffering. And at the end of the day, you will have to let go of your stubborn preferences, opinions, and desires. You simply must surrender the self in the face of waking up.
Over time you’ll get used to this stripping away and you’ll even look forward to it. When you feel a great surrender brewing, you’ll know that on the other side is another awakening. I believe we are here to wake up. We are here to evolve into nothing and everything. By nothing, I mean the knowing that there is no one self that we get to have or be. By everything, I mean the knowing that you are all and all is you. Awakening to the nondual nature of you and everything else requires a deep, continuing surrender. Some parts of self will struggle against being revealed as fundamentally impermanent and part of the surrounding world. It’s quite common for someone to start up a spiritual practice and then run like hell when it starts getting real. I almost cancelled my first meditation retreat because of the resistance that came up in the form of fear and anxiety. Luckily, I had friends who threatened to tie me up, blindfold me, and throw me in the trunk of their car to make sure I got there. Resistance has continued to pop up over the years for me in all kinds of ways (getting lost in a relationship, binging on Netflix, sugar), but these days I usually know it when I see it and I take it as a sign of something good coming soon.
Expect a certain amount of resistance as you traverse this path. Once you start down the path to waking up, awakening will keep coming for you. You have two choices: suffer or surrender.
Safety and trust allow you to surrender to your partner and to your pleasure. Surrendering doesn’t necessarily mean submitting. You can be quite dominant sexually and also be fully surrendered to your partner and the creative expression of your sexuality. This sexual surrender is not unlike the spiritual surrender I’ve been talking about. As you awaken sexually, more will be asked of you and deeper surrenders will be imminent. These surrenders might not be what you think they will be. Your sexuality may surprise you.