9

TEST

I GLANCED UP when the door opened, a little surprised...although I shouldn’t have been, I suppose. I’d invited him there. For a moment, we just looked at each other.

Then he glanced down at my hands, and smiled faintly.

“I had heard you were an artist,” he said. “...And yet, I have never seen it.”

Lying on my stomach on a floor pallet, I’d been drawing, for the first time in ages, really.

At Balidor’s words, I looked down at my hands, following his eyes. I hadn’t been thinking too clearly about what I was doing, but studying the sketch under my charcoal pencil, I saw an image of Feigran staring back at me, his owl-like eyes serious through the page, his cuffed hands in front of him as he traced patterns on the metal table with those long, bone-like fingers.

I wasn’t used to people walking in on me. Not even since we’d been in hiding.

The cave-like structure where they kept me consisted of a seemingly endless maze of underground catacombs. Despite the size of it all, and the countless rooms and nooks filled with artifacts, books and even bone fragments and organic machines from several hundred years ago, none of us seemed to have a whole lot of privacy. It came of living underground maybe—that feeling of enclosure, of needing to wander and not having enough room to do it right.

Or maybe I was developing some of Revik’s claustrophobia.

Supposedly we could take on one another’s traits, as well as one another’s skill sets. Maybe I could pick up his neuroses, too.

The other seers told me I was in South America, but I knew they could easily be lying. I couldn’t feel a lot of difference, honestly...we could still be in Asia for all I knew, which worried me a little. Given who I was, and my supposed super-seer powers, you’d think I would at least have some inkling about which continent they’d holed me up on. Instead, I found myself forgetting I was no longer in Seertown.

But strongholds like this, filled with seer artifacts and historical fragments, supposedly existed on all of the main continents, as a kind of safeguard against the potential destruction of seer cultural records that couldn’t be stored in the Barrier alone.

When I saw Balidor studying the drawing, his eyes simply curious, I felt myself relax.

A few seconds later, however, I noticed that he didn’t seem all that relaxed. I might have noticed earlier if it wasn’t for the collar.

Or maybe not. He could be as inscrutable with his light as he was with his facial expressions.

If I looked closely, though, the skin around his eyes looked tense. The light shining from the gray irises glittered a few shades sharper than usual, too.

“Are you all right?” I said.

He gestured a yes, without returning my gaze.

When I didn’t stop looking at him though, he sighed, clicking softly.

He was just so...seer...even compared to the other seers. Maybe it was a function of his age, or all that time spent in the Pamir with no one but his own people, the Adhipan.

“I do not know if I am at that,” he said. “...All right.”

“What’s up?” I said.

“I do not like this, Allie.”

“You don’t like what?”

He gave me a puzzled smile. “What do you think? What we are doing, Allie.”

“But you’re just giving me lessons, right?”

His eyes sharpened again, holding a denser understanding.

“Lessons, yes.” He exhaled, blowing out his cheeks slightly. “But for what purpose? You want to be able to keep things from him. Okay, I understand that. But you want to be able to do this to a degree that makes no sense to me...at least not if you are planning on maintaining your current distance.” He gave me another of those knowing looks. “In fact, if I did not know better, I would think you wanted to be able to conceal things from him even when you are with him, Allie...as in, when you are together with your mate...”

I flipped the page on my drawing pad, starting a new sketch on a fresh piece of paper. Feeling the Adhipan leader’s eyes on me still, I shrugged, answering him without looking up.

“Well...I might need to, right?”

“If he kidnaps you, you mean?”

“Yeah. I mean...sure. That’s one reason.”

Balidor clicked again, a little sharper that time, but still seemingly to himself.

“Allie, if he kidnaps you, you would have no need of this! He would already know he could not trust you...” When I glanced up, his eyes sharpened on mine. “You cannot infiltrate him, Allie. You cannot. There is no possible way...even if he were not your mate, he is Syrimne. Do you understand me? I doubt that even I could accomplish such a thing, and I am not married to him...” He gestured elaborately with one hand.

“...It is impossible on its own. For you...doubly so.”

“I’m getting better at blocking,” I reminded him. “You said so yourself.”

He clicked louder, aiming it at me that time.

I said, “I haven’t done anything yet...”

“But you are thinking about it, yes? You intend this?”

I shrugged, seer-fashion, still bent over my sketch pad. “It crossed my mind that it might be necessary. If he keeps killing people. If he goes after Vash...”

“It is out of the question!”

I looked up, a little annoyed in spite of myself. “I’m the only in you have with him, ‘Dori. You know that.” At the anger in his eyes, I clicked back mildly, cutting off his protests. “I haven’t done anything yet. I just want the training...it’s a serious plan B, okay?”

When his eyes didn’t relax, I sighed again, pushing a lock of hair behind one ear.

“Look. We’ll try to sever things first. But it might not work...you know it might not. If it doesn’t, we’ll be short on options. And probably time.” Feeling my jaw tighten a little, I tried again to focus on my drawing.

“...He’ll be pissed off, too, which won’t help anything.”

“But what we are talking about,” Balidor said. “It is risky in the extreme. It goes directly against my charge as the leader of the Adhipan...”

“‘Dori...again. I haven’t done anything yet.”

“But I should not be helping you!”

A little startled at the emotion in his voice, I glanced up. After studying his expression for another beat, I shrugged. “You work for me, right? And essentially what I’m asking you to do is to help me stay safe. So how does that go against your charge?”

His eyes focused on mine. The light gray irises looked openly skeptical.

I couldn’t help but smile a little. His looks still struck me as completely incongruous with his role in some ways. I knew he was around 400 years old, but he still looked more human to me than most of the others. I knew that helped him as an infiltrator, but it disarmed me, too.

Which I supposed was the point, really.

“I may never have to use it,” I reminded him.

“You are expecting you will need to,” he said. “That tells me you are thinking something, Allie...you are not telling me everything...”

I waved dismissively, still lying on my stomach. “If I was, you would have read me for it by now...collar or not.”

“Which is why I am worried,” he said.

I gave him a faint smile, and a bare glance. “So you’re spying on me now, ‘Dori? You infiltrating me?”

“You leave me little choice!”

I glanced up, surprised again at his vehemence.

He returned my look, his expression openly worried.

Hesitating only slightly, he sat abruptly then. Pulling his legs in so that he was cross-legged on the floor across from me, he kept his eyes on my face.

I realized only then that he’d been waiting for a more formal invitation to join me. Giving up on the drawing, I sat up, too. I pushed aside the pad a moment later, curling my legs under myself as I watched him glance at the drawing once I had. I realized that he was curious about my drawings more generally, too...and found myself wondering what Revik told him about my art.

It was hard to believe they’d been friends, before all this.

“Can we talk openly at least, Allie?” he said. “Are you so sure Vash won’t be able to do what you told Dehgoies?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m not sure at all. But I need to be able to keep my mind separate from Revik’s. You’ve been saying that all along.”

“But there is no way to guarantee it is working,” he said, exasperated.

I recognized his tone. It was the tone all of the infiltrators got when I did something that displayed how little I knew about their craft.

I’d been hearing it from Revik for almost two years. I’d heard it almost as long from Maygar, and now Balidor.

“...If Deghoies determines what you are doing,” Balidor continued. “...he could very easily pretend that he is not able to get through. He could do this simply to use the opportunity to gather more private information about you. Whether you know it or not, you control your thoughts more now, knowing he might be listening. He might hope you would relax this control, if you thought you had blocked him...”

At my skeptical look, he clicked more sharply.

“He is an infiltrator, Alyson...a damned good one, in addition to the rest. It is what I would do.”

I smiled a little. “You would spy on your wife?”

“If I worried she was thinking of leaving me...I might,” he said at once. “Especially if I had reason to think her affections had altered towards me...”

At my frown, Balidor’s jaw hardened.

“He is seer, Allie...not human. The etiquette is not the same. And you know after that little speech of yours in Delhi, he thinks you are having an affair. I felt him thinking it, Allie. After you told him that you would leave him...”

Averting his gaze from mine, he gestured vaguely.

“...I know this in part because he tried to discern if I was the offending party. He could not feel it on you definitely, so therefore assumes it would have to be an infiltrator of high rank...”

I felt my face tighten a little more. “Yeah. I know all that, ‘Dori.”

“Then you must know he is obsessing on where you are right now...and who you are with. He would do anything to gain an advantage in this, Allie...anything. I would bet my life on it. He is likely looking for you at this moment...”

But I only half-heard that part. My mind still turned over what he’d said, thinking about his words. After a pause, I found myself frowning.

“It would be one way to know for sure,” I muttered.

“What would?” he said, staring at me.

It occurred to me I hadn’t included him in my previous train of thought.

I glanced up, and felt my face warm a little.

“I don’t think he could hide it, ‘Dori...if he saw me with someone, I mean. Not if he saw it while it was happening. I don’t think his super-spy powers would extend to being able to hold it together for that. Not if he wasn’t expecting it...”

I hesitated, watching the other’s eyes a little more carefully.

“I know I couldn’t, when he did it to me,” I added. Leaning against the nearby stone wall, I hooked my leg with one arm. “...I would feel it, ‘Dori. I know I would. If he saw that, I mean.” I felt my cheeks grow hotter. “You don’t know Revik. He’s got this thing about me...maybe because I hadn’t been with any seers before him. It would bother him if that changed...a lot, I think. There was the whole Terian thing in D.C., but that was different. If I let someone else into my light, if I did it willingly...it would really throw him. Maybe more than it would most mates. Maybe more than it bothered me with him...”

Balidor only looked at me. His silence was loud, though.

It occurred to me that I had shocked him...maybe with my implicit suggestion, maybe with my admission that Revik was the only seer I’d ever slept with. Despite the complete lack of change in his facial expression, I could tell one or both of those things had impacted him in some way. I couldn’t quite tell how, though.

My face grew warmer, even as I told myself it was stupid.

Hell. For all I knew, the same idea might have occurred to him already.

Whatever that initial reaction had been, it was gone within seconds. I could see him thinking about my words tactically, then...turning the possibility over in his head.

He was an infiltrator, after all.

“I agree, Alyson,” he said finally. “With all that you have said...it would be the only way to be sure.” He met my gaze, his eyes deadly serious. “You would be willing to try that? It puts you at considerable risk...”

I smiled humorlessly. “Actually, no. It puts whoever would be dumb enough to do it with me at considerable risk...” When he didn’t smile back, I added, “I don’t think Revik would kill me, no matter how pissed off he was. Especially if he’s on some whole religious kick with us. But he wouldn’t think twice about eliminating the competition.”

Balidor nodded again, his eyes still thoughtful. “I agree with that, too.”

“So do you have any infiltrators you’d just as soon get rid of?” I joked. “...Bonus if they weren’t too hard on the eyes...”

Balidor looked up. His expression grew denser again somehow.

Once again, his facial muscles didn’t move, but I found I knew what he was thinking anyway.

“No,” I said. Shaking my head, I gestured it in seer, too, to be sure there was no mistake. “Absolutely not.”

“I could help you,” he said. “I am probably the only one who could monitor your light in enough detail to see the holes. Even if he got through, we would know how he did so...”

“‘Dori,” I said, exasperated. “No!”

“Alyson—”

"And anyway,” I said, waving him off dismissively. “...the whole point is, I have to be able to do it without your help...without anyone’s help,” I added, seeing him about to argue with me again. “And no, Balidor...jesus. We can’t afford to lose you.”

I thought it, but didn’t add that I couldn’t afford to lose him, not after everything.

He was the only seer left I trusted absolutely...apart from Vash and Tarsi.

“It is my job, Allie.”

I gave an incredulous laugh. “I think that goes a bit outside of your job duties, ‘Dori,” I said. “...But I appreciate the full service shop you’re running.”

He looked at me, his chiseled face hard.

He’d always reminded me of one of the more ruggedly handsome action stars in the movies. His gaze sharpened on mine when I thought it, so I knew he might have heard that too, collar or no. There wasn’t much that got past him when we were sitting this close...and he was Balidor, after all. Head of the Adhipan, and most famed infiltrator of the Pamir. Revik told me once that Balidor was considered the best infiltrator alive.

If he heard that, too, his face still didn’t soften.

Seeing the expression there, I realized he had made up his mind.

He really thought he should be the one to do this.

And maybe it even made sense, after all. Could we really afford to pull anyone else into what we’d been working on for the past few months? I needed more than one set of eyes looking at my light, making sure the shields really held. Despite the confidence I’d expressed, I also needed one other person listening for Revik, and hearing if he picked up on what was going on.

Balidor had the best chance of being successful with both of those things.

I supposed he could just watch while I did it with someone else, but that idea didn’t appeal to me all that much, either. And anyway, it wouldn’t be as effective.

I needed to actually be having sex with the person...not conducting a clinical experiment. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be much of a test at all.

Nerves rose in me as it occurred to me that I was thinking about this seriously. It had moved out of the realm of theory and into an actual plan.

I found myself looking at him then, in a way I never had before.

Could I really do it? Balidor was a friend, and his looks definitely weren’t the issue, but the reality of it threw me completely. Whatever else was going on, with me and Revik and whatever else, I’d never really contemplated doing what I’d threatened I’d do in that garage.

In fact, the whole issue of other people and sex felt like a back-burner one to me. I’d just wanted Revik away from me. I’d felt sick at what he’d done, about the fact that I’d slept with him right before he’d done it. I’d felt like an idiot for thinking him seeing me would make any difference in his mental state or his ideology.

I made the crack about prostitutes because I was pissed off, but also because I figured he needed to hear it to know I was serious. In no way had I gotten far enough in my thinking to imagine myself doing the same.

Truthfully, all seer reputations for promiscuity aside, I’d never really been the type to need a lot of different sex partners in my life.

But it was more than that, and I knew it.

I’d never thought I’d ever do that, not after Revik. And okay, he was someone else now, but it only helped a little, remembering that.

 Remembering D.C. helped a little more...but not in what I’d call a ‘good’ way.

Maybe the whole thing was just seriously bumping up against my denial that he wouldn’t somehow magically transform back into the person I’d married.

It occurred to me that Balidor was waiting while I thought through all of that. When I glanced up, it occurred to me also that he might have heard some of it as it passed through my mind. Remembering my thoughts around the D.C. thing, I felt my jaw tighten a little.

“All right,” I said. “So when? Do we do it tonight?”

He blinked.

It was the closest to a real reaction I’d gotten off him.

“What? Too forward?” I smiled a little as I quirked an eyebrow. “Want me to buy you dinner first?”

I saw his eyes change again, right before they flickered briefly to my mouth. He looked away a second later, but I saw him shift his weight slightly where he sat on the floor.

So he was male, after all.

I remembered then, that I was in pain, and might have been affecting him before all this. I didn’t know much about the virility of seers as they got older. Vash seemed to have a thing going with Tarsi, so I figured all systems were go. Vash had to be pushing seven hundred years, so ‘Dori must be in working order...although maybe the pain thing wouldn’t get to him in the same way. That might be a younger seer’s issue.

He gave me a thin smile, clicking softly.

“I am decrepit now?” he said.

I laughed a little, in spite of myself.

“Sorry,” I said. “I’m a nervous thinker.”

“Are you sure you are all right with this?” he said.

“Am I all right with you risking your life for an experiment? Especially since it might not even work?” I said. “No. I told you I wasn’t.”

“I don’t mean with me...I mean in general.” He met my gaze. “Are you all right with being unfaithful to your mate, Allie?”

I felt my jaw tighten a little. I knew he said it that way on purpose, to try and flush a reaction out of me. I was tired of the infiltrator cat and mouse though.

I shrugged, sliding my thumb under the organic collar.

“Any chance I can get rid of this, first?” I asked him.

He didn’t move right away. I realized, looking at him, that he might have his own feelings about this. I had no idea what those might be, though. Being who he was, he was about a million times better at compartmentalizing his emotional stuff than I was, so maybe to him this really was just another op exercise. In that case, helping me with my little ‘problem’ would just be part of his sacred duty under the Adhipan. The thought made me smile a little.

When I glanced at him again, I saw his eyes on mine.

For a moment, he looked like he might speak.

Something touched his expression then, right before he motioned for me to turn around. 

Pulling my weight off the stone wall, I did as his fingers indicated, pulling my hair over my shoulder with one hand to expose the back of my neck. I didn’t move as he leaned over me, activating the retinal scanner holding the two ends of the collar together. Since he’d been the one to put it there, his retinal imprint also caused the collar’s tendrils to retract from around my spine...right before the lock opened with a click.

He pulled it off me, gently, caressing the skin there with his fingers. I watched him toss it to the floor, not far from the bag of clothes I’d lugged in a few hours earlier.

I smiled at him when I turned. He didn’t move away, but remained close to where I sat, his face only a few inches from mine. I saw his eyes flicker once more to my mouth.

“So what do you want to do now?” I said.

The gray eyes narrowed, holding a faint emotion now. Or maybe I could just feel him more, with the collar gone.

“Can you really shield us?” he said. “This will be a test, Allie. A test to see if you can do it...I could help you at first, and then let go, if I find no holes.”

“So more than once then?”

His expression tightened.

I realized suddenly that I was needling him too much. He didn’t like it.

“Sorry,” I said. I touched his arm. “I’m nervous. That’s all it is.”

He looked away, as if second-thinking the whole thing. I saw conflict on his eyes, and realized I could feel his light again, despite his shields. It had crept back around me once the collar was removed, only I’d barely noticed because of who he was.

“Do you still want to do it?” I said.

“Yes.” His eyes remained hard. “Can you shield without my help?”

“I guess we’ll know pretty quick if I can’t,” I said. I hesitated again, still studying his face. “Are you sure you want it to be you, ‘Dori?” I said. “I could ask someone else. Someone a bit more...expendable.”

There was a pause.

Then I felt pain waft off him, along with something I never thought I’d feel on him...at least not aimed at me. Truthfully, I never thought I’d feel it from anyone. No one who wasn’t Revik, that is. It took me another few seconds to feel the answer that came with it.

I swallowed, feeling his light flicker once more around mine.

“So not someone else,” I said, quieter. “Is that it?”

“I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t, Esteemed Bridge.”

“You’d appreciate it?” I said.

But his pain worsened, sliding deeper into my light.

“Stop playing games, Allie. Make up your mind.”

I could only stare at him after he said it. As I did, I realized I’d been kidding myself, thinking this would be clean. No way would it be clean, not for either of us.

In the same instant, I realized I wanted him.

He looked at me directly then, and his pain worsened. “Allie...”

“I love him, ‘Dori,” I said. “You must know that.”

His expression didn’t change, but I felt his light retract slightly.

“I do...yes.”

When he didn’t say anything more, I nodded, feeling my throat close.

I knew he was waiting...just like I knew I was stalling. I knew enough about seers by then to know he expected me to initiate, that he wouldn’t do anything until I had. That would be true even if I wasn’t the Bridge, and therefore requiring some kind of deference for that whole thing.

Revik told me once that he’d had to learn how to be the aggressor with humans, because he’d often found the females expected it.

But I couldn’t think about him right then, not the old Revik, or I really would lose it.

I watched Balidor stare at my face, waiting for me.

As I did, I realized why I was really hesitating, what my real problem was. I recognized the emotion that lived behind it, too. It wasn’t fear, although it probably should have been.

It was guilt.